HOLLYWOOD, California, January 28, 2010 (WSFB-AC) – Hey. you all know me, but just to avoid the copyright and trademark cops I’m gonna go by a pseudonym. So let’s just say my name is Ben. But with a “K.” Got it? Cool.

So listen. I know everyone thinks being Ke … I mean “Ben” is awesome and all that. I have a killer body, great hair, fantastic smile, and a smokin’ hot girlfriend known the world over. Fame, fortune, good looks, I have it all, right? I mean seriously, even Brad Pitt hasn’t got shit on me. Yeah, he’s got Angelina and all, and taggin’ that shit day in and day out must have its advantages, but how many fuckin’ kids has she dragged back from Bophutswana or whereverthefuck and set up at the Casa de Brangelina? Christ lady you’re a movie star, not Old Mother Hubbard. Give it a rest.

But I digress. Let’s get back to what’s important here, and that’s me. You think I’ve got it all? Are you kidding me? I don’t care how many friends and dream houses and sports cars I may have, because all that shit? It’s nothing. Meaningless, materialistic bullshit. It means nothing to me. And I’d give every bit of it up in a heartbeat for just one thing.

Please, just give me a cock.

Seriously, this shit is fucked up. You know what sort of numbers I could rack up if I had a dick? I’m literally surrounded by hot-as-hell faker-than-shit chicks who think I’m, like, the only guy in the entire world. And in many ways that’s true. I mean, have you seen the crowd I hang around with? I swear, the chick:dude ratio is like 15:1. And most of the guys? Well, let’s just say that they really dig the chick’s accessories a bit more than the average horndog.

And maybe that’s a coping mechanism, you know? Because those guys? You guessed it: no dicks either. Although if they had them I swear they’d spend most of their time trying to figure out how to adjust their package so it didn’t fuck up the fit of their jeans.

But if I had a cock, I could lay some serious pipe. No competition at all.

Think about how fucked up this is. You’ve seen my body, right? Well, you don’t get stacked like that accidentally. I spend, on average, like 3 hours a day at the gym. And when my workout’s done and I hit the showers, it’s a bit awkward. I mean, everywhere I look, there’s guys. Naked guys. And they all have dicks except me. Me? No dick. And you think guys don’t check? Think again. Everybody checks. I can hear their snickers.

They call me “Mr. Smooth,” and claim it’s because I’m so slick with the ladies. But I know what they really mean.

So please, someone, help me out here. I’m not looking for anything outrageous. I don’t need some sort of Foot Long Jet Propelled Dream Schlong with Optional Kick Starter. I just want a basic, average size, functional ABS plastic cock. It’s not too much to ask. Please, help me become a real fake plastic man.

And while you’re at it, a pair of nipples wouldn’t suck either.