AUSTIN, Texas, November 16, 2009, (WSFB-AC) — Following the announcement last Friday that water had been discovered on the moon, NASA officials admitted that the excitement of the discovery has trickled to a world-class disappointment since the admission by Edwin Eugene “Buzz” Aldrin, Jr. that the lander crashed into the very spot he pissed, back on July 20, 1969.
The initial find was based on data collected when the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite, or “LCROSS”, intentionally crashed October 9, 2009 into the permanently shadowed region of the Cabeus Crater near the moon’s South Pole.
In what amounted to dropping a pipe bomb into a ripe restroom toilet, project leader Anthony Colaprete confided that the admission was difficult to swallow, but it was “sterile, and he liked the taste”.
“I’m here today to tell you that indeed, yes, we found urine. And we didn’t find just a little bit; we found a significant amount.” Colaprete then produced about a dozen two-gallon, white, plastic buckets, filled to the brim. “This guy wasn’t playing around – he would give Chuck Berry a run for his money”.
A noticeably intoxicated Aldrin recounted the events leading up to what will now become known as “one small step for man; one giant leak for mankind“.
“Hey, we cracked our first brew after breaking through Earth’s atmosphere and each pounded at least 16 more before landing,” Aldrin said. ”By the time we touched down, I had to piss like a space racehorse.”
In what appears to have been an act of jealous defiance, Aldrin went on a rant that lasted almost 3 minutes, including two shakes and a full-on body shiver.
“So fuck all you guys, it’s always Neil this and Neil that. This time I am definitely Number 1!”, at which point Aldrin exposed himself to show a tiny American flag flying from his own private command module which he referred to as the “bald eagle”.
“You walk around that barren shithole for over 20 hours and see if you don’t have to take a leak. And look, I was also sitting on my breakfast for 2 days, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they found another little diddy I left them on the North side of the crater.”
Aldrin, seemingly proud of the attention he was receiving, asked NASA to revise the lunar plaque bearing President Nixon’s signature and an inscription to read: “Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the Moon July 1969 AD. We came and pissed for all mankind.”
NASA officials would not comment on the suggested revisions but announced that they are planning another project this summer at an estimated $150M to install lunar HoneyBuckets / Port-O-Cans for future missions.
