WEST SEATTLE, Washington, October 28, 2009 (WSFB) – This weekend countless costumed kids will embark into the night in pursuit of candy and Halloween spirit. At the same time thousands of adults will take their best crack at a costume and attend parties and events. Based on our own experiences though Halloween is scary as hell. Murderers are out to get you, sickos are putting things in your candy and it’s actually darker than any other night of the year. That last one is a scientific fact. Most of all there are some key points that will save you grief and, quite possibly, a limb.
If you find yourself alone it’s probably too late. If you get separated from your friends or ditched at a party it’s probably too late for you to make it through the night. The chances of your survival are directly influenced by how many friends you have in case you need to use one as a shield when old kids attack young kids or psycho killers are on the loose.
Everyone is going as a zombie this year. Zombie’s are so hot right now, and there is bound to be at least one person who goes balls out with their zombie costume. Don’t be the guy or girl that half asses it and looks more like a vagrant next to the person that has the amazing zombie costume. Just go pickup an Obama mask or something.
Most things made in China catch on fire. There is a high likelihood that some part of your costume is made in China, and if you get to close to a cigarette or a candle you will be engulfed in painful flames. Make sure you know where your Superman cape is at all times and if you do catch on fire remember, run as fast as you can so the wind puts out the flames.
Arm your children. If you are going to let Johnny and Cindy go out into the cold night with pillow cases while mommy and daddy go to the neighbors swinger party the least you could do is arm those kids to the teeth. Make sure they each have cell phones, maps, mace, knives and synchronized watches. The more formal martial arts training they have the better. It’s a scary world out there so remember, if the stranger comes toward them they should kick him in the groin and yell “get the fuck away from me you strange fucker!”
Kids – don’t let them get away with fruit. If someone offers you fruit instead of candy when you trick or treat simply find a police officer and tell them that the people in that house offered your fruit AND a personal tour of the basement. I bet they will never even think about offering fruit again for Halloween.
It is a competition. Do whatever you need to do to get the most candy of all your friends or win that costume contest. For the kids, if you need to hop fences, switch costumes twice and hit houses in the same neighborhood over and over again, steal from smaller kids or knock on dark houses until those losers open up then by all means proceed. It is completely a competition for who can get the most candy and anyone that tells you otherwise never got to trick or treat as a kid because they were probably forced to stay at home and pray pr something. For the adults, do whatever you can to win that costume contest or be the most popular person at the Halloween party. As you know (and what the kids will some day discover) life is one big competition. The person with the best Halloween costume not only will win the contest, but probably will also win the girl or boy they want to take their costume off with later. Good news for you is that sexy costume sales are though the roof this year, so as long as you don’t go as Spock you run a decent chance of getting some adult candy later in the evening.
