There’s this bar my friends and I frequent, maybe once every two months, and I’ve been crushing on the bouncer since we first went. We constantly check each other out while I’m there, and I heard him tell him friend I was beautiful as I walked by. However, we’ve yet to actually talk and my ID is hopelessly fake. Any advice? I’m convinced that bouncers are bombarded by girls constantly.

Bouncer:

Do you have any idea how many cute girls a bouncer sees every night? Now mulitply that number by 8-10 nights per month and then double it since you only go in once every two months. That’s a lot of girls. So you’re right about constant bombardment.

Listen, I hate to break to you, but you’re not that special. In addition to being an adult baby-sitter, a good bouncer is also a promoter. You want to make the people who come into your bar or club feel welcomed. If a guy has been there before, you want to remember him and shake his hand so he looks all cool in front of the ladies he’s bringing in. Anytime a cute girl comes by, you want to comment on how hot she looks, or make some other (mostly stupid) comment that makes her feel really good, since it sets a good tone and vibe, making for an overall better atmosphere.

There used to be these girls that would come into my club that were…well, they weren’t pretty. I mean, they weren’t fat or anything, they just didn’t have favorable bone structure or teeth or whatever else. The first time I saw them, they came in with a few guys, and later asked me if I had seen where the guys went; the guys had ditched them and gone to another club.

The thing is, these girls tried so fucking hard that it made my heart break. They dressed to the nines, they had their hair all done up, and hell, out of the corner of your eye or if you saw them from behind, you’d be like, “Hey, what do we have here?” Then when they’d turn around you’d jump back in horror going, “Whoa!”

Every time they came to the door, I acted like they were the hottest girls in the world. And truth be told, if you count spirit and enthusiasm, they were. I would even get to the point where I would wave them through like they were VIPs, making sure they didn’t even have to pay the cover. And why the fuck not? They deserved it for the effort.

Of course, all this goodwill would come to a pretty abrupt end if the girls started thinking I was hitting on them. Fortunately, that never happened and we avoided that awkward moment. I think you should also avoid that awkward moment and not assume you have anything special with this bouncer.

And besides, if you’re under 21 you should keep a low profile. I don’t care how cute or cool a girl thinks she is, if she’s under 21, I don’t want her in my club. Well, you know, not unless her ID happened to have a crisp hundred dollar bill folded around it, in which case…well… But seriously, girls do this all the time, they come in with their sister’s ID or whatever, it looks good enough that they get in, then later they get drunk and start chatting with me and feel the need to come fucking clean and tell me they are under 21. How can I make this clear? I don’t want to fucking know!! Ignorance is bliss! If you are under 21, please don’t tell the bouncer. Let him maintain plausible deniability. Once a girl that the bouncer knows for a fact isn’t 21 somehow gets into a club underage, she will brag to all her fucking friends about it. The next thing you know, it’s all over fucking town and the bar owner/manager starts asking questions. Fuck that shit. Stupid underage shorties aint worth it.

So keep your dirty whore mouth shut. Once you turn 21 for real, decide if you really want to know the bouncer better. If you do, go up and talk to him. But keep in mind his niceness may all be an act and you may be one of those ugly girls he feels very sorry for. If so, do me a favor and get your damn teeth fixed already!

Blonde:

The only chicks bouncers get bombarded by are fat chicks, ugly chicks, belligerent chicks, or, like you, underage chicks. But usually not hot ones.

If you take away the self-inflated egos and tight t-shirts and man tits, bouncers are just like any other guy. They see a hot girl and their animal instincts come into full play. I’d bet ninety-percent this bouncer knows your I.D. is total shit. There’s a reason he’s letting you in. You’re hot. This takes me back to a story which has no actual value to the outcome of your situation, but it’s funny, and it involves bouncers and underage chicks. So whatever.

A few years back, before I was twenty-one, I had a fake I.D. It was the most legitimate fake I.D. around. I mean, I never got questioned. Well, one day I decided to enter the bar where “Bouncer”, my stupid, worthless co-author of this column happened to be bouncing that night. He knew me prior to this because he used to stalk the coffee shop where I worked. So we were acquaintances to say the least. Anyway, I decided to go to that bar because I figured he’d be cool and not say shit about my I.D. I sat down with my friend and we start chugging our Long Island Iced Teas, when, all-of-a-sudden I am approached by one of the bartenders who says, “Bouncer wants to talk to you”. Fuck. I walked outside and here’s this no-good son-of-a-bitch waiting to give me a stern talkin’ to. Which he did. Right before he kicked me out.

Moral of the story is, Bouncer is a loser. Now, back to your question. How do you get this idiot to like you? First of all, start frequenting the bar more often. Duh. Once every two months is so fucking moderate of you. Get it together. Secondly, muster up the courage to go talk to him. You’re probably going to have to make the first move because bouncers never leave their bouncer stoop. So take lots of smoke breaks and walk past him, like, eighty-seven times. One of those times hit on him. Just keep it casual. If he’s not a pussy he’ll reciprocate and keep shit flowin’. Then you guys can date and wear matching Affliction t-shirts.

Find more here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde

Your president supports marriage between people who unconditionally love one another despite their gender.

Yeah, it was a rushed announcement since Good Ol’ Biden jumped the gun a bit with his mouth, as he’s apt to do, but it sounds like it was going to happen anyway – just happened a bit earlier than he planned it to be.

This happens even in a nation that sometimes lets you fuck your cousin and marry them instead of someone the same gender.

Isn’t it great that people who are honestly in love don’t have to live in fear of who they really are in the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Hey, you, religious right. Obama hasn’t been exploded by your God for supporting open and happy love amongst the people of this great nation.

Your move.

Have fun being sheltered behind a book of values written 2000 years ago that doesn’t believe in dinosaurs and thinks that every animal in the world could live on a boat for a month.

Jonah Gabriel Stonewater on Facebook

Every Thursday on your West Seattle Funblog

Earlier this week, I finally worked up the courage to ask a guy out for the weekend. He said, “I’m actually busy.” And proceeded to tell me what he was doing this weekend (which I later found out was the all true). So after he got done telling me how busy he was this weekend, I asked, when he’s not busy, if he’d enjoy hanging out. He said, “I don’t know….maybe.” There’s this dance coming up. I’m tempted to ask him again because I’ve been into him for a while. Should I?

Bouncer:

He’s just not into you.

First off, good for you for having the sand to ask this guy out. More girls need to work up the nerve to make the first move, especially with so many guys being pussies who are afraid to ask someone out that they like.

However, if you ask someone out and they give you any response other than a resounding “Yes!” they are not into you. If a girl asked me out and I wasn’t interested, I would tell her I was busy and pretty much laugh the whole thing off to spare her hurt feelings. Unless of course, she was really hot and full of herself, and then I’d be a real dick and say something, “Uh-huh, you think you’re really ready for a shot at the title, sweetheart?”

But say I am actually interested in a girl, but I have to work that day. I would reply with a counter-proposal, “I’m working a gig that night, but how about meeting for happy hour on Tuesday?” And it’s the same for guys and girls, if they are busy but interested, they’ll come up with another offer. If they don’t, it’s because they aren’t interested and it’s the easiest way to blow someone off.

And I’ll give you the same advice I’d give a guy in the same situation, if you ask someone out and they blow you off, you need to move on and ignore them. Fuck that guy. If he’s not jumping at the chance to hang out with you, there’s a million other single desperate lonely guys out there waiting for you. Don’t waste another minute thinking about this guy and definitely don’t ask him to the dance. Unless of course, it’s because you want to introduce him to your new boyfriend.

Blonde:

No way. Are you kidding? This guy is clearly not into you. Stop now. Please, for the love of God, stop now.

I can’t stand this. I want to blame the dude and talk about how chivalry is totally dead and guys are losing their touch, and this is probably true, but I get the feeling you’re the kind of persistent, annoying-ass chick that keeps bugging the fuck out of this poor guy.

“He proceeded to tell me what he was doing this weekend (which I found out later was all true)”. Why the fuck are you keeping tabs on this mother fucker? What are you, the C.I.A.? Why do you give a fuck whether it’s true or not? It doesn’t make him like you any more. It just means he’s not a liar. You need to back off. Nowish. The most unflattering quality in a woman is desperation. If a man wants you, he will go after you. He will take his MANLY, non-pussy ass and do what it takes to win your heart. You know what a man DOESN’T want? Any chick who makes it painfully obvious how into him they are and any chick who won’t give the fuck up.

Personally, I believe you are allowed to make the first move whether your’e a woman or a man. Go for it. But after that first move is made, it is up to the MAN to continue the courtship. I’m not going to stalk your ass and force you to fucking hang out with me. You know how disgusting that makes me feel? It makes me feel like a big, fat, lonely loser. If you don’t want to hang out with me, I sure as fuck am not going to make you.

So, should you ask him to the dance? No, no, and more no. He didn’t want to hang out with you this weekend, he doesn’t want to be grinding his wiener up on you to some Chris Brown remix.

Find more here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde

My boyfriend is always late to things we have planned. Not just 15 minutes late, but often an hour or more. What can I do to make him more punctual?

Bouncer:

I think we all know people like this. One of the bouncers that works for me is exactly this way. Nice guy, always trying to keep everyone happy, and always insanely late. I’ll even call him sometimes and say, “Dude, where the fuck are you?” and he’ll reply, “I am real close. 2 minutes away.” 10 minutes go by. “Dude, WTF?” He says, “Hey, I am close, I can already see the club.” 15 more minutes goes by and he finally shows up.

It’s like one of those great mysteries of life. There are some people who are just perpetually late to everything. In my experience of managing bouncers and thugs, someone who has a tendency to show up late, will always have a tendency to show up late. And there isn’t much you can do.

In fact, sometimes it can be very hard to change anyone’s behavior. I suppose I am somewhat fortunate in my line of work. When someone is behaving in a way I don’t like, I can always resort to good ole fashioned physical violence to make them comply. They say violence doesn’t solve anything, but I can tell you that violence solves A LOT of things. Unfortunately, there are some situations where violence isn’t preferable (like with your boyfriend, since that’s domestic violence and can get you in trouble) or just too tiring (do I really want to knock another 60 year old obnoxious drunk panhandler on his ass? Even I sometimes feel bad for roughing up grampas) so you need to resort to other tactics.

For example, no matter how many times I tell them, many of the junkies who panhandle the streets near my club still end up hanging over the railing harassing paying customers who are just trying to relax and have a good time. Sometimes when I am feeling particularly cheeky, I’ll take a waterbottle and use a corkscrew to poke a hole in the bottle cap. When the junkies ignore me the first couple of times that I tell them to move away from the front of the club, I take the water bottle and spritz them with water. Anyone who knows junkies can attest that bathing isn’t on the top of their list of priorities, so they tend to hate getting wet, even in the summer time, so a few splashes of water usually sends them muttering and grumbling on their way. Of course, being the witty and self-amusing guy I consider myself to be, I usually spray the water on the junkies while loudly declaring, “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” Fortunately, none of them have responded by vomiting pea soup at me, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a matter of time.

Anyway, in your case, violence and water dousing are probably not your best options. I’d say that your only choice is to start telling him to be someplace an hour or so before you actually want him there. If that’s not acceptable, then you should just to dump his ass and exorcise that demon once and for all.

Blonde:

I have a friend like this. Though she is not technically my boyfriend, I have always kind of considered her my husband because, well, she just kind of is. Her name is Zoe. Zoe is always late. Always. In fact, she has told me in the past that she would actually feel weird being on time, as it would be far too out of character.

Here’s the thing. Late people are just late. I’ve known Zoe for about fifteen years now and never once has she been punctual. I mean, she will be late to my wedding. Though it’s incredibly annoying and often brings rage to my bones, it’s the cross you have to bear for that person. If you love them enough you just learn to put up with it. Simply “talking to them” or “telling them how much it bothers you” doesn’t do shit. Do you know how many times I’ve told Zoe her lateness is annoying as fuck? If you added it up it would probably take more time off my life than the amount of cigarettes I’ve smoked. It’s not fun for her, either. If she tells me she’ll be here at three, I will text her every sixty seconds that passes after three o’clock. I will excessively call her and send her threatening messages. I do it to bug her. I do it because I can. I wouldn’t suggest you do that with your boyfriend.

Contrary to what you may think, late people do feel bad. They don’t necessarily like being late. The fact of the matter is, it has become a personality trait that they have come to know as “theirs”, and changing it now would just be silly.

Now, Zoe is not your boyfriend. Zoe, though always “5 mins away”, makes me hysterically laugh and lets me make fun of her as much as I want, so I totally put up with her lateness. If your boyfriend is lame, though, and you don’t like him that much, it is super annoying to have to wait around for people. It’s a bad trait that usually doesn’t get better. So, you’re just going to have to decide if the good outweighs the bad in your relationship.

There are ways to trick these people, though. If a function is at two, tell them it’s at one. If they show up at one-thirty, bask in the glory of having to make them wait for the function to start. Shove it in their face! It’s so fun.

As of April 21, Obama has played 95 rounds of golf as president. But before you give him a mulligan, here is what George Carlin said about homelessness and golf, “I know where we can build housing for the homeless- golf courses…Land that is currently being wasted in a meaningless, mindless activity…I’m getting tired of these golfing cock-suckers…Golf is an arrogant, elitist game and takes up too much room in this country.”

Even his own body guards have given up on his 18-holed ass, drinking and hitting the hookers rather than taking a bullet for “Mr. I’ll Close Guantanamo”. And if golf isn’t enough, President Liar Obama builds a soccer field at Guantanamo Bay detention center at a cost of $750,000 to taxpayers. GOOOOAL!!!

Let’s bust some myths right here and now. And no, the GOP does not want to criminalize condoms. The Dems are the party that brought you the Japanese Internment Camps (FDR), decided not to bomb German concentration camps (FDR), Nuked Japan TWICE, got us into deep shit in Vietnam (JFK & LBJ, who increased troops to 550,000) and celebrates the late Sen. Robert Byrd who in the early 1940’s recruited 150 of his friends and associates to create a new chapter of the Ku Klux Klan.

And, speaking of the Japanese, Obama last year said he still wants new nuclear power plants. “Obama administration officials brushed aside calls for a freeze on new U.S. nuclear power development, and sought to reassure the public the nation’s nuclear facilities are safe and the threat of harmful radiation reaching U.S. soil from Japan is minimal.”  The question is, “What about harmful radiation on American soil if a nuclear power plant disaster strikes us HERE?” And weren’t the hipsters chanting, “NO MORE NUKES!” in the 70’s? NOW it’s cool?

Obama is not for gay marriage. He said, “I believe that marriage is the union between a man and a woman. For me, as a Christian, it’s also a sacred union. God’s in the mix.”

Obama did not win the 2008 election from wide-eyed students donating one dollar each on the Internet. He beat Hillary, then McCain thanks to Chicago billionaires. That’s right! Those pesky selfish soulless ONE-PERCENTERS including Oprah, who knighted him while banishing Hillary, and the Pritzker family, whose Hyatt Hotel fortune trumps the Donald by billions. The Pritzker family is worth over $20 billion. Penny Pritzker, with an ironic first name, was Obama’s national finance chair of his presidential campaign.

Last month Obama said, “The U.S. economy is growing stronger and the economic recovery is speeding up” yet in February black unemployment — those actively seeking work but unable to find it — rose to 14.1 percent from 13.6 percent in January. No prob peeps. When you tell him your house, if you have one, is under water, that you actually feel lucky to still be barely hanging on to your crap job, and that’s IF you have one, he will agree with you that the economy is a big bowl of Suck and he will blame the last guy. So he gets it both ways- The economy is good thanks to him, and the economy is in the toilet thanks to Bush.

He pretends to be Mr. Environmentalist by standing in the way of the Keystone Pipeline project, which, by the way, has been rerouted around the Ogallala Aquifer, which was the environmental obstacle that is no more. Then, on March 22, he Green-lighted the lower half of that pipeline. Guess what, Undecided Voters? This coming late October when gas hits $5 or $6 a gallon, he will announce that he made a “compromise plan with the EPA and Keystone and now we can move forward on the upper half.”  It’s all fake and it’s all bull shit.

He talked about restoring dignity to the White House, yet we are loathed by Russia, laughed at by China, and ignored by North Korea, Syria, and Iran. And, with 46 million food stamp recipients and gas costing 90 percent more than when he first took office, it is pretty clear he is the President of Suck. Are we better off today than we were four years ago with W? Maybe a few of us are. But the question really is, “Will we be better off in four years than we are now with Mr. Hope & Change?” Fail.

“Apparently it is supposed to be wildly funny if you have a low threshold for humor. It’s supposed to be uproariously funny if everything makes you laugh,” Rush garbled as he munched on a handful of suspicious pills during his show on Wednesday. “It’s also funny if you smoke certain controlled substances, too. That could also make it funny as well.” Well it’s also funny if you have three divorces (two of which lasted three years, third lasted a whole ten!) and you stand for wholesome American values… meaning in this case you get married, fuck her until you get tired, then move on. It’s ALSO funny if you hate black people so much as to say that, “the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons.” It’s ALSO (now stay with me here) funny when you say “too many whites are getting away with drug use” and you get busted for shopping around to different doctors looking for your oxys and get away with it by paying $30,000 and go to therapy for eighteen months.

IT’S ALSO FUCKING FUNNY IF YOU SAY THAT FEMINISM WAS ESTABLISHED SO AS TO ALLOW UNATTRACTIVE WOMEN EASIER ACCESS TO THE MAINSTREAM OF SOCIETY. THAT IS A GODDAMN QUOTE.

BOOM.

It seems to me that he just fucking spews shit and piss out of his hogswill mouth and then always has to come back to defend himself. Saying that “the phony soldiers” (being Iraq war veterans opposed to the Iraq war) somehow pissed EVERYONE off, he had to go back and say that he was only talking about one specific person and not all vets are phony. He said on January 16th ‘09 about Obama, “I hope he fails.” Again, later he said that he wanted his policies to fail and Obama as a person.

Yes, because one thing I always want is the president to fail in ANY WAY. It’s not like he’s the biggest big shot in the world of American big shots who has control over, uh, I dunno, America or something and all the Americans that live in this America that I speak of.

I totally understand the fact that to get the best ratings and to get talked about, you have to call someone a nappy headed ho (Thanks Don!) or say that Michael J. Fox seems to be shaking just a little too much for his Parkinson’s disease to seem real, and it really, really is sad and terrible that this is a fact. He’s good at it, oh yes he is. He’s probably the best at shoving his ham covered foot into his mouth and then pulling it out while popping some oxy’s right before giving a half-shit apology to whatever the hell he said was born of Nazi and Martian parents who hold Klan rallies in their back yard while raping seal cubs while sipping marriwanna tea and taking a shit on the American flag while (somehow) whistling ‘Deutchland Uber Alles’.

Back to the “slow jam”.

He moistly rambled on and compared it to Tricky Dick Nixon’s appearance on “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In” way back in 1968. According to the transcript of his shit show, “Remember that show? And everybody thought that it was a descent into no dignity whatsoever. So beneath the presidency, so beneath the office of the presidency.” Later on he spat, “You have to go all the way back to Nixon to find a president who done so much to lower – wait, what am I saying? They had two terms of Clinton after Nixon.”

Well, as far as we know, at least Lewinsky’s face didn’t need birth control. Heyyooo!

He’s mainly just giving Obama shit for being “hip” and trying to “relate to us”. I look at Obama’s little “slow jam” like this… yeah, he’s goddamn POTUS and there’s probably so many REAL important things that FUCKING MATTER sitting on his desk at the White House. But you know what? Worker bees like us take vacation sometimes, we also have weekends where we just might let our hair down and loosen up the collar so to speak. Bill Gates isn’t as busy but he still can poke fun at himself even when he was running goddamn Microsoft.

Yes, Obama has more pressing things to take care of than we ever will… but I think that it’s good for him as a person to do this. Can you imagine all the stress and headaches that he has to go through daily? Then he’s approached by an aide or something that says, “Hey, wanna go sing with Jimmy Fallon on his show?” I’d be all over that shit! Just to get away from the office for even an hour probably feels as refreshing as a week-long vacation from our normal jobs.

I can see Rush now… sitting back in a bath tub, eating a sandwich… maybe a little snifter of coke and some prescription pills… wait. Holy shit I do apologize dear readers, I was thinking about Whitney Houston.

Jonah Gabriel Stonewater on Facebook

Every Thursday on your West Seattle Funblog

I meet the most wonderful guy!  We click in every area of life our chemistry is awesome. Those are his words!  However he does not want to be in a committed relationship with anyone. He got married really young and has been divorced for two years after twelve years of marriage and five kids.  So, after about six months of going back and forth, he decided to back off and we be just friends.  I said ok,  and respected his decision however he won’t leave me alone.  He is always asking me for sex and sending me pics.  Which was all fine and dandy when we were trying to work things out but now that we decided on friendship it is confusing.  I like him a lot but I do not want to have sex with him anymore under the umbrella of friendship.  When I tell him this he says he understands and within a couple of weeks he is asking again but says he only wants to be friends.  Am I fooling myself to think that he will come around and ask me to be his woman? Or does he want me to just be is toy?

Bouncer:

First off, let me thank you. We seem to get non-stop questions from delusional love-struck guys who keep hanging out with a girl who only likes them as a friend under the ill-concieved notion that the girl will eventually come around and fall for them. (And seriously, just knock if off guys, the girl will never fall for you) It’s very refreshing to get a question from the other side, where it’s the girl being delusional and thinking a guy will come around.

Listen, guys like to have sex. Sure, girls like to have sex too, it’s true. But for guys it’s different. For most of our lives, guys never go longer than 10 or 15 seconds without thinking about sex. It’s actually really hard to explain to someone who is not a guy, what it’s like to always be craving sex. Think of the last time you were on some crazy diet and starving yourself. Now think about how much you were craving and desiring food. That’s how we are, all the time, only about sex.

I hate to let the secret out of the bag, but seriously girls, if you want to have sex with a guy, have sex with him, but if you want a relationship, don’t have sex with him. Throwing your legs open right away is a perfectly fine thing to do, and I actually highly encourage you to do so, but if you really want to have a relationship with a guy, you need to at least make him work up to it.

You gave the guy the goods, and now he’s got you in his rotation. He doesn’t want a relationship with you, he just wants you around so he can have sex whenever that craving hits him (which is always) and when there is no one else around (which is why he isn’t dating you). Even when you tell him you want to just be friends, he is probably honestly agreeing with you, but two weeks later, when he is like a starving man walking through a desert, you’re going to look like a giant pork chop to him. Some kind of sexual pork chop, I guess… Whatever, now I am both hungry AND horny.

Anyway…no, he is never going to come around. Stop wasting your time and find a new guy, there’s a million out there. Just do yourself a favor and try to resist the urge to immediately flop onto your back the moment you see a new guy that you like.

Blonde:

Seriously? Get real here. Please.

You must be the most clueless girl on the face of the earth. And not the cool kind of clueless like Alicia Silverstone. This guy is literally telling you “You are my FUCK-BUDDY”, and you’re simply choosing to ignore it and instead lean on the false hope that this fucker is going to come around. He’s not. I’m not trying to make you feel totally shitty. Every girl goes through a stage in her life where she meets some deadbeat loser and for some deranged reason thinks he’s the sexiest, most stand-up guy around. We then justify every wrong thing he does, creating an often timely and seriously fucked cycle of disastrous relationship hell.

I understand he just got out of a devoted, twelve-year marriage. Blah blah blah. Five kids. Blah blah blah. A white picket fucking fence and a pomeranian named Fluffy. Blah blah blah! And more blah! Does he think he’s original? Get the fuck over it dude. It’s been two years. That’s plenty time to move on. That’s beside the point, though. This dude is not looking for anything serious. I don’t know why we, as women, mentally convince ourselves of things that are not happening. We really think that we are somethin’ real special and this guy has just stumbled upon a diamond in the fucking rough. I don’t care how special we are, or think we are. Sometimes he’s just not THAT into you. In this case, he may be into you, but he’s sure as hell is not trying to call you his lady, and that’s gotta mean something.

No one ever wants to be friends. I mean, I’m telling you, there is a MINISCULE percentage of people in this world who have previously been romantic and can make it as merely “friends”. Maybe after years, when each person has gotten married and started a life a surface friendship can ensue, but the chances of being close fucking homies is slim to none. One person always wants something. Always.

Honestly, this guy sounds like a real fucking douche. He also sounds like he tippin’ the crazy scale. Deciphering whether or not he is going to ask you to be his woman is literally a laughing matter at this point. What you should really be trying to decipher is what kind of guy sends you dick pics.

Find more here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde

Not so, says Becca Long of Highland Park, winner of KOMO’s Win A Day With Paul Tosch contest who cashed out her prize on Thursday.

“I found it a little odd that he was wearing the headset when he got in the car,” said Long. “But no problem.  I could live with that.  It got bad when he started tapping his chest really fast to simulate talking over a helicopter.  That shit got old. Fast.”

Having planned to take full advantage of Paul riding shotgun, Long planned a long day including treks from her West Seattle home to Auburn, Bellevue, downtown Seattle, and Lynnwood.  A happy hour in Kirkland was initially on the agenda, but that shit fell through. Fast.

“He usually gets 45, maybe 60 seconds every 10 minutes. With 9 extra minutes to work with, he had a lot of dead air to fill,” continued Long. “If I hear ‘into and through the Kennydale Hill‘ one more time, I’m gonna blow an O-ring. Seriously.”

Unbeknownst to either one, Paul’s headset microphone was live, with KOMO catching every last detail.

A few excerpts complete with Paul’s fake static noises…

Paul: kcccchhhh… Now Becca, these four way stops, well they can be kinda tricky… kcccchhhh…. You’re going to want to look left, then right, then left again before you… kcccchhhh… That’s what’s called a “rolling stop”, Beccster… kcccchhhh …

Becca: I stopped, dammit. I came to a complete stop. And stop making that noise.

Paul: kcccchhhh… You went “into and through” the intersection in one fluid motion… kcccchhhh…  Speaking of fluid motions, the fine folks at Northwest Shingle can lay down a quality roofing job in what seems like one fluid motion. Like your performance at that last intersection… kcccchhhh…

Or this one…

Paul: kcccchhhh…We’re likely to run into ahhhhhhh BIT of pressure as we approach the Kennydale Hill.  kcccchhhh… As someone who says “Kennydale Hill” alot, I’ve always wondered where that name came from. Was it after a guy named Kenny? Dale Maybe? Maybe it was named after a Nascar driver named Kenny Dale. Did you just not signal that lane change? Right here on Kennydale Hill? kcccchhhh…

Dear lord:

Becca: Paul quick, I90 or 520 bridge?! Quick, the exit is right there!

Paul: kcccchhhh… I’m starting to feel ahhhhhhh LITTLE pressure on my internal organs from your driving. But to answer your question, ever since tolling began on 520, the whole dynamic of traffic changed. kcccchhhh…

Becca: I90 or 520, Paul?!

Paul: kcccchhhh… Do you know what it costs to cross 520 at peak hour, Beccster? I bet you don’t.

Becca: Fine! Too late! I90 it is!

Paul: kcccchhhh… Actually it’s only $3.50. That’s about how much one of those replacement foam covers for this microphone costs.  Did you know they made those at a factory just east of the Kennydale Hill?

kcccchhhh…

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

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If you have not been around the waterfront area or driving over the skeleton corpse of Highway 99, they’re beginning to dig the pit to shove the massive boring machine into the soft, moist, pink dirt and it’s gonna start drilling the FUCK outta that hole until it gets its money’s worth. Oh yeah, and it’s gonna be drilling all – night – long. Gonna drill that bitch into 2013 and beyond.

But as far as I know, nobody really fucking cares anymore. We didn’t want it done, we don’t care much for it, and we just want some goddamn lanes of traffic open so we can get the fuck around town faster. Ever try to get to Alki on a lovely Saturday? Oh ho, dear reader… well first off your chances of getting there in the first place are fucked because the goddamn West Seattle bridge is probably closed for some fucking reason so we’re all forced to go through goddamn Georgetown or some other way, and that fucks up traffic on I-5 because nobody can read the goddamn ROAD CLOSED sign that’s stacked up from the convention center all the way to the goddamn exit and EVERYONE and their FUCKING MOTHER, DOG, PASTOR and CAT try to shove themselves over into the unsuspecting lane forcing massive slowdowns due to incompetence and everyone caught doing this should be allowed to have other drivers shoot at them for their failure to act as an intelligent motor vehicle user. You dumb fucks.

Big mouths… we’ve had Rush Limburger calling people prostitutes, we’ve recently had Hilary Rosen saying a surviving cancer patient and mother of five children (Ann Romney) had “never worked a day in her life”, and now we got the Motor City Madman HIMSELF, Thee Ted Nugent, saying “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

Now Ted, I love your music. Wang Dang Sweet Poontang is awesome, and everyone loves Cat Scratch Fever. I agree with your ‘Kill it and Grill it’ method of hunting because you’re not just murdering a fuzzy  widdle pwecious piece of heaven for shits n’ giggles… but fucking seriously? Seriously??? “We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November… Our president, attorney general, our vice president, Hillary Clinton – they’re criminals, they’re criminals.”

SERIOUSLY???

Now of course he’s trying to downplay this by saying that he’s not threatening anyone and he’s always “ended the sentence with ‘in November at the voter booth’”. People are not as smart as Ted here seems to think. If I’m a retarded rebel redneck that likes to talk on the phone while taking a shit, then I’m going to decide to stand with Allfather Nugent and go into battle to try to murder some of our political members this November. There’s a good way to use metaphors when it comes to beating someone at something. I’ve used a lot of creative ones here. Look, I’ll make one up right now…

“This November, we shall shoot the wad of Liberty from our firm and mighty erect shafts of Justice and launch our valiant cumshot into the eyes of tyranny and oppression!”

First off, I didn’t name names. I didn’t even pick which fucking side of the political line I’m gonna skeet towards. That’s how this works!!! You say key words like liberty, oppression, recession, freedom, hope, truth, justice, American dream, ANY POWER WORDS and then for the icing on your cake you add some vagueness to it just so you’re not hating on anything in particular… oh no… you’re just “attacking the darkness” as the saying goes.

Bottom line – media and celebrities should stop talking about killing or murdering the president, we’re tired of Seattle roadway clusterfucks, and goodbye Dick Clark – we’ll see you rockin’ the Heavenly New Year.

Jonah Gabriel Stonewater on Facebook

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WEST SEATTLE, Washington, April 17, 2012 (WSFB) -

My bf has a smaller than average peen. He is good at all other forms of sex and everything else in life, blah blah blah. It still bothers me. What do I do?

Bouncer:

You need to dump him.

In the grand scheme of things, civilization has been built around the penis. Since the dawn of time, people have had an incredible urge to create things in a phallic image, be it a cave drawing, statue, monument, or just a picture of your junk (or someone else’s) as your Xbox Live gamer profile.

Guys tend to grow up learning to handle their peen, and often wave it around wildly and eagerly as soon as they learn how. Girls grow up discovering their own penis envy, if my good friend and drinking buddy Carl Jung is to be believed anyways, and spend the rest of their lives adjusting to the fact that they don’t have this neat tool that guys are constantly waving around.

Even more than the actual appendage itself, a penis has come to represent all that is masculinity in today’s society. How many times have you seen a dude driving a huge ass truck and heard a friend say, “Someone has a small penis”? Or what about all those times when two guys start jawing at each other and arguing and people say, “Stop fighting over who has the biggest dick, you assholes.”

The penis represents everything. If a guy is really awesome at sports or something, he’s considered a stud with a big dick, regardless of what his actually size might be. On the other hand, Pointdexter could be the clumsiest dork in the world while being hung like a derby winning horse, yet people will still make fun of his ‘small dick’.

In the end. the fact that this bothers you at all means that it’s not really about the size of his junk. If everything was great, you wouldn’t even think about it for a moment, and you certainly wouldn’t be writing into us asking for advice about it. Instead, his tiny penis is just being symbolic of other short comings (heh, get it? short comings) in your relationship where he is letting you down. (heh, again) So it’s not really the penis size that’s the problem, he’s just not measuring up (ha!) in other ways, and you’re consciously or subconsciously using this as an excuse to start unraveling a relationship that isn’t satisfying you on some level for other reasons. Dump him.

Blonde:

You just have to decide if this is something that bothers you ENOUGH. Is it constantly on your mind? Is it the only thing you can think about when you guys bone? I mean, how small is it? If it feels more enjoyable getting finger-banged there might be a problem.

This problem is just like any other problem in a relationship. Everything may be great, but if there’s one thing that’s constantly bothering you and weighing heavily on your mind it won’t work out. You will continually focus on the bad aspect, building up resentment along the way until one day you just won’t be able to take it and you’ll go fuck someone else.

The difference with your problem is that your man can’t control his peen size. It’s not like most relationships where the dude is doing something totally stupid that he CAN control and it’s eating away at you. You know, like the fact that he talks to other bitches online, or has a secret Xanax addiction. Or something simple like you can’t stand the kind of music he likes and forces you to like. If your dude is totally awesome in every way, though, and especially all other forms of sex, it’s kind of hard to decide what to do when you know he has no control over the problem at hand.

Have you ever tried talking to him about it? Just kidding. Do not do that. In this case, talking won’t do shit except make him feel horrible about something he is already extremely aware of. Basically, this just falls on you. Is it worth breaking up over? Weigh the pros and cons, then decide. In my opinion, if it’s something that continuously bothers you, it’s not going to get any better.

However, there is one plus to a small peen. Butt sex. Get some!

Find more here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde