Seal gon pop a cap off.

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, February 3, 2012 (WSFB) – To follow up on other “news media’s” scoop on this developing story, the West Seattle Funblog has learned that sea life violence is escalating on the peninsula, specifically around beach areas, and it’s not exactly in ways what one might think.

While authorities focus on hunters and miscreants in their search for the perpetrator(s), our street intel has narrowed the focus of the seal deaths to the seal community itself.

The recent shooting of seals whose bodies have washed up upon our shores were retaliation for what is known in the aquatic world as “The Atka Mackerel Incident.”

The seal bodies have been positively identified as members of The Mack Daddies Ocean Club.

“In 2009, the The Krill, a West Seattle-based seal gang, violated sea law by infiltrating the Aleutian Islands to feast on the oil-rich Atka Mackerel,” said NOAA’s Kevin Johnson, Seal Gang Unit Commander. “These grounds were clearly the territory of The Mack Daddies, who are now paying back The Krill by feasting on their halibut, rockfish, and Dungeness Crab off the shores of West Seattle. This region is Krill territory, from the beaches all the way to the 7/11 at Admiral Junction. Thus, this has become a territorial blood war, with seals sporting guns. The dead seal has been positively identified as a member of The Mack Daddies, as noted by his blue bandanna.”

Krill seals can be seen briefly surfacing off the coast of West Seattle, sporting their red bandannas and Nines. And they’re making their way to shore to reinforce their turf.

“I don’t feel safe partying on Alki anymore,” said Gertrude Butters. “I just can’t hang with The Krill. They smell like fish and pop caps off like its Jacques Cousteau Day in France. How can I have fun with all of this seal clubbing going on?”

"No comment. But Krill, yo."

Asked for comment, pop music sensation Seal, had no comment.

“I have no comment,” he said, sporting what might be construed as a Krill bandanna.

“An oceanic blood war may be fun to watch,” said West Seattle Police Chief Keven Seazle, “but it’s no place for children. Please respect the ocean.  Take your kids home and don’t use plastic bags from Safeway, QFC, or 7/11.”

Security expert and Funblog Street Intel Expert D.C. contributed to the article.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

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So the mother is actually rather kind about asking the man to turn that bullshit off (get a life, holmes), and he grunts and spits out something along the lines of, “Yeah yeah yeah just a few more minutes.”

This isn’t a goddamn video game where you’re just about to hit the save point.

This is a worthless piece of trash that has no common decency other than to look at porn at the goddamn library.

There really isn’t a solid law that I’m aware of that doesn’t bar a man from looking at porn in a public place, but for the love of Lemmy don’t goddamn surf porn in the library! The mom even got the attention of a typical pussy bitch Seattleite to get this fuck to turn off the porn, and you know what the librarian does? Gives some sort of bitch-ass excuse that she can’t because it’s his right to look at whatever he wants for the time he has on the computer.

So everybody, this means that we can look up WHATEVER WE WANT TO ON A GODDAMN LIBRARY COMPUTER AND NOT GET KICKED OUT FOR IT. Well, as long as we’re doing it quietly without a gun, knife, mild explosive or your dick in your hand.

The proper response should have been that this cock-ass fucktard should have been booted from the library at a minimum, and if the librarian should have been so declined there could have possibly been some police called to beat the shit out of this slime.

The daughter of this mom-thing reported that her daughter cried her eyes out on the way home and something else, I really stopped giving a shit about the impact to the family for some reason at this point because all that struck me was that there was some fool in a library surfin’ porn for all of this earth’s population to see.

That shit’s just nasty.

He probably was that ‘Can You Gimmie Somethin’ To Eat’ guy that prowls South Lake Union. That dude is horrible.

Heh, I can kinda see it, “Can you gimmie some lotion to beat mah meat?” All scraggily with his beard and shit…

Anyway, where was I…

Oh, so election bullshit.

Stormin’ Mormon Mittens won Florida over Newty Tooty with a pretty sizable gap, everyone saw it coming. Newt won’t give up because he wants attention and more women to slay behind his wife’s back while Mittens blows money and doesn’t give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock about the poor. Ron Paul and Psycho Santorum didn’t really campaign there, which was rather smart of them since they don’t have the rabid mongrel horde of old nutty bitches and bastards that Newty has and neither has the fucking berserker cash that Mittens has to have thrown much into Florida.

Both, in fact, started campaigning out here in the western states to try to get a head start by the time the caucuses roll around up here.

And to round it all out, here’s a cheerful fun fact.

The city of Black Diamond is considering a name change, replacing the word “Black” with the word “King”, which some might thing is a racial move against the African American population. When the Black Diamond city council was asked of this decision, they punched the investigator in the testicles, screamed how much that Kiss song sucked and then summoned Satan while screaming about their grandmothers getting out of wheelchairs and wondering what their trip to a “holiday site” was like.

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Further, if you’ve run into a homeless person lately, you’ve probably noticed that homeless people can have a certain… fragrance.

This isn’t a slight on the homeless or whatever got them to where they currently are. It’s just a fact of life. Life on the street can be unhygienic.

But no longer!

Unilever, the British/Dutch makers of Axe Body Spray, have made a sizeable donation to help America’s homeless in the form of a thousand cases of Axe Body Spray which is being distributed at soup kitchens across the country.

“The first part of not being homeless is not smelling homeless,” said Kevin Johnson, an overly fragrant douche nozzle representing Unilever. “It’s hard to nail an interview when you smell like street, alcohol, and soup. I should know. I got my job with Axe by using their product to mask my own scents of alcohol and soup.  Praise be to Jesus I wasn’t homeless or I would have smelled like street too.”

Representatives from the Campbell Soup Company released a statement regarding this issue:

“We here at CSC admire the good intention behind Unilever’s ‘Axe The Homeless’ campaign, but disagree that soup smells bad. We’d be more inclined to hire a homeless person if he smelled like Tomato Bisque than that shit that comes out of those Axe cans.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

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Yesterday, with less than 24 hours remaining before the increasingly important Florida Primary, Gingrich named his running mate for Vice President…

Floridian, Casey Anthony.

Typically, Presidential candidates wait until they’ve secured the party’s nomination before naming a running mate. But Gingrich is proving to be more rogue than his fellow Alaskan party member, Sarah Palin.

“This is a brilliant move,” said Palin, (R-Frigid Tits). “You’ve got to reach out to voters with a candidate who has children and government experience, such as the legal system. Ms. Anthony has both. Or at least one. And as a candidate for Vice President, she also has experience with Vice.”

The Romney campaign, which has spent more than $14 million in negative Gingrich ads in Florida leading up to the primary, made no sudden moves.

“Wow,” said Kevin Johnson, Chief Campaign Manager for Romney. “This is… well, I’m not sure how to say it. It’s… fucking MONEY, that’s what it is! Money we don’t have to spend on more negative ads! I think I’m taking the staff to Barbados for a week after Florida.”

“Damn, this is too easy.”

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My best friend started dating my ex-girlfriend. Should I ever speak to him again?

Bouncer:

I’m very disappointed in both of you. Not mad. Just disappointed. I guess I expected more from the two of you.

I’m going to start with you, since you’re within arm’s reach. (Metaphorically speaking)

What the hell are you thinking? You’re making this a big deal and I’m trying for the life of me to understand why. You dated a girl. Maybe you dated her seriously. Maybe you lived together. Hell, maybe you were even engaged. But things didn’t work out right? Maybe she dumped you for all those nights she got called to come to the bar to pick up her blacked-out drunk boyfriend. Or maybe you kicked her to the curb for catching her in the kitchen of your favorite local pub making out with one (or more) of the Mexican cooks. Or maybe it just didn’t work out and you guys mutually decided to end it. Either way, I have a hard time comprehending why you can’t just forget this girl and move on. There are so many other women out there, why are you wasting even a moment of needless thought on this one?

And now for your best friend:

Hey, listen best friend, I don’t even know you but I already feel like you’re kind of an insecure douche bag that would probably be well-served by having a meaty hand slapped across the side of your head on principle. However, since you’re OUT of arm’s reach (metaphorically and literally speaking) you’re going to get away with a stern look of disapproval. Ready? Here it is: …

Seriously, though. Are you intentionally trying to fuck over your buddy because you’re mad or upset about something he did? Or do you feel that your options for actually getting a semi-legit girl on your own are so poor that you have to walk into the Good Will of relationships and pick up your best friend’s used girlfriend? Did she give you some line saying that she always liked you better and was dating your friend to get to you? Or maybe she said that your friend turned out not to be the right kind of guy for her, but since you and her had hung around so much, she realized she had fallen madly in love with you?

Dude, women are bat-shit crazy self-serving manipulative liars and I truly love them for that. But you can’t be letting yourself get all caught up in this after school special brand of high school drama. There are so many women out there, why are you wasting even a moment of needless thought on this one?

Since you guys seem to be failing to grasp basic relationship 101 stuff here, I’ve come up with a new easy-to-follow rule for you: If you and your friends meet a new chick and the first guy she makes out with isn’t you, just write her off.

A guy makes out with a girl for the first time because either a) he asked her out and they went out on a date, or b) she is an insecure attention whore who is happy to make out with random guys at a bar to get the attention she craves so badly.

If one of your buddies has gone on a date with a girl, that’s great. You should move her into the friendzone and never consider her a romantic option in the future. Look around, there are millions of other single girls out there, go pursue them.

If one of your buddies just had a little drunken make-out session with a girl at the bar, this girl is an attention whore. If you have any self-respect, you will steer well clear around this girl, because it’s only a matter of time before her attention addiction is going to make her start doing other things to get the spot light focused back on her. Namely, trying to make out with you or a different friend of yours, while complaining how the first guy was trying to “mark his territory” and how she only wanted to be friends.

Personally, any girl who might be interested in me is going to certainly forfeit her one and only shot if the first thing I see her do is start making out with a random town drunk. If you truly want a shot at the title sweetheart, you need to posses enough self-respect to keep your tongue from slipping down other guy’s throats for at least the first couple of times we meet.

But back to your question: One hand, your buddy is a douche and you are a douche. On the other, Bro’s before ho’s is how the saying goes. But really, since you’re both douches, just move on and find a less douchy friend instead. Maybe he’ll rub off on you and make you less of a douche as well.

Blonde:

I mean, you don’t have to be all melodramatic about it. But he sounds like a douche, so probably not.

Look, I understand guys and girls are WAY different when it comes to “codes”. With girls, even having a passing thought regarding a man and mentioning it to one of your girlfriends automatically makes that man off-limits to her. You can simply think a guy is “hot”, like, “Ohhh. Our waiter is fucking hot. He has a nice ass”, and all of a sudden there is an invisible sign on his forehead saying “taken”. Sure, girls break these rules all the time, which is why girls are so fucking annoying. None of the rules make sense, there are too many, and nobody follows them. There are some solid groups of girlfriends out there who actually give a shit about each other, but more times than not I just see a bunch of sluts who hang out and would turn on each other in half a second if the right opportunity arose.

With dudes, it’s different. In fact, most of the time dudes don’t care if their friend has their leftovers. We all know “that girl”, the one who’s fucked the whole group. Guy codes tend to be much less limiting. Still, one thing remains the same with men and women: your best friend is simply as it sounds. The friend you like the best. The BEST one. Out of all of them, this is the friend in which you share a mutual, extra special bond.

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that your best friend is not allowed to date your ex. Ever. In my opinion, it is the ultimate betrayal. As a best friend, you are instantly no longer allowed to EVER feel ANYTHING for your best friend’s significant other or ex. If a sexual thought even crosses your mind about this person, you immediately have to say ten Hail Mary’s. This person becomes platonic to you. No matter how hot they may be, you are never to cross that line. Dating your best friend’s ex is not only fucking shitty, but it is proof to your best friend that the whole time they dated this person, you secretly had some creepy little crush on them.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

SEATTLE, Washington, January 30, 2012 (WSFB) – The City of Seattle began removing homeless people who are currently living below the Alaskan Way Viaduct at 8:00 this morning. This move is part of preparing the area for tunnel boring and is considered a matter of “public safety”.

The City claims the operation will be organized and non-violent, though there has been no mention of where the homeless might go.

However, in a limited effort to help by the City, each displaced homeless person will receive a spritz of Axe Body Spray before they are sent on their way.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

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But Harry is not the has-been opening a Vietnamese restaurant in White Center. That would be the artist born Robert Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, and his new haute Vietnamese restaurant Manok Ng Ina Mo, which is wide open for business as of last week.

“Honestly, a lot of people thought that I was on top of the world selling so many millions of records,” said Van Winkle, “and that this is the life that everybody would want, but I never got to enjoy any of my success.”

Vanilla Ice was clearly in his 14th minute of fame by the time the controversy erupted in which he allegedly ripped off the Queen/David Bowie collaboration “Under Pressure” for the foundation of the song that launched his career, “Ice, Ice Baby”. But the success of that one song gave him the freedom to pursue other interests, such as Vietnamese cuisine.

“I made some great investments and I held on to my money,” said Van Winkle, “which also enables me to have the freedom to do what I want now. But it’s not about finances. No matter what, it’s about keeping it real.”

Real tasty, that is.

Van Winkle is still cashing in on his Vanilla Ice fame though. New television and radio ads for Manok Ng Ina Mo are set to debut in December and feature Van Winkle in his douche-bag Ice attire.

“Yo yo, I gots the noodles, boyeee!” said Ice.

“Word. To my noodles. Yo.”

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“He spends all day watching Fox News,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney, “we’re a little worried. I keep telling him he has to meet with some school children and sign a bill, but he just tells me to fuck off and give him another hour.”

The republican primaries have certainly kept the nation rapt with attention. Between the exits of Rick Perry and Jon Huntsman, and the late surge of Newt Gingrich, audiences are finding it impossible to predict what will come next.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” said a concerned Michelle Obama, banging on the door to the oval office. “He just keeps watching television and ordering in food, occasionally popping out to tell me the latest poll numbers.”

Many of the presidential duties have been ignored of late. The halls of the White House are packed with championship teams waiting to meet the President, all of whom are sitting on boxes of broken Solyndra solar panels. Additionally, various European leaders have had their phone calls ignored, and are greeted with an answering machine message that simply tells them to “Get your shit together.”

The assumption that Vice President Biden is running the White House appears to be wrong, because Obama has him flying to every primary state in order to bring back the local popular food.

“Republicans are having a field day with this,” said Carney, “which only makes the coverage more exciting. He’ll never come out.”

We got a chance to sit down with President Obama during the last South Carolina debate. The oval office was strewn with empty bags of white truffle popcorn, crushed beer cans, and a rope of licorice that appeared to be endless. In the middle of the room stood David Axelrod, roasting a pig over an eternal flame. Obama was sitting on the floor against the front of a futon.

POTUS: You want a chair? Axelrod! Get this guy a chair!

ME: So are you concerned at all that no one’s running the country?

POTUS: Oh man, Newt just pwned John King! Are you watching this shit? Put down that fucking notepad. I can’t believe that people don’t care about his cheating. Did you know that Scarlet Johansson wrote me a letter? I love my wife, but come on, if I had known that cheating was ok…I don’t know, I’m just saying.”

ME: Are you worried about potentially debating Gingrich?

POTUS: Wait a second. Ron Paul was a doctor? That’s hilarious. Here’s my impression of Dr. Ron Paul. You be the patient.

ME: Uhhh…

POTUS: Come on, just complain about something.

ME: Ok. Hi Dr. Paul, I’ve been having a pain in my chest.

POTUS: I know what the problem is: the Fed! Laughs hysterically

ME: That’s a good one.

POTUS: Thanks.

CARNEY: Sir we need you to approve-

POTUS: FUCK OFF CARNEY!!! Hey reporter, don’t you think that Carney looks like a guy who’s supposed to turn into a superhero, but never does? What a nerd.

ME: Well I suppose-

POTUS: Boy I love watching these debates. This Obama guy sounds like a jerk.

Aides quickly escorted me out the door, but I managed to ask Obama one more question.

ME: Does their angry rhetoric bother you?

POTUS: No, not at all. I’m just a fan. I can’t believe I get to meet one of them!

For more from Chason Gordon, check out his website at literallyhumor.comand follow him at twitter.com/chasongordon.  LIKE him, if you dare, on Facebook here.  <— click that!

Once again it’s been proven to us that the fact that we can’t handle the snow can be attributed to the hills, the misappropriation and ill use of the snow plows (and the roads that are mystically chosen to get plowed) and the fact that there’s this blindness to the fact that if we keep trees away from the power lines, the trees won’t fall on the power lines.

The more major the road, the more likeliness that the snow will be 75-85% removed, but not enough to where we can see the lanes though. Even Fairview Ave., which goes between the Mercer Street exit and Denny Way, was not even goddamn touched.

Better than 2008, but dammit Western Washington, could someone over here talk to Oregon and Eastern Washington and get a memo or a hint or fucking cheat sheet? It’s not that hard, it just all comes down to planning, foresight, and true grit. All of which I’ve never seen much of since I’ve lived here…

And now to politics.

It’s still just a back and forth between the venomous master of disguise, Newt, and his richer than Midas rival the Stormin’ Mormin Mittins. Florida is next, and Santorum has been laying low… low… so low he’s back home in Hell as the Rectal Master of Phallic Torture and Polka Fuhrer. Ron Paul is skipping campaigning in Florida to get a head start on other battleground states where he actually has a chance, them Florida folk apparently don’t done get too much smartness from that Ron Paul feller, he don’t none make the sense! Gawrsh!

From what I can see so far, is that Obama is still the clear winner in all of this. He’s accomplished much of what he set out with. We got out of Iraq, unemployment has gone down, we’re BEGINNING to get back on track – and that’s awesome. The weird thing is that he never really promised any flat fact on anything other than promising that we could do something. You know? “Yes, we can.” Well… I’m just still wondering what it is that we’re supposed to be being can doing.

I do believe that there’s going to be better incentives to have American companies stay in America while hiring American citizens, but I can’t be too sure… I’ve been without sleep for three days. Everything on my face feels like a melted, damp candle. It’s hard to understand that the feeling in my gums is a lie that’s been forced upon me by the imps living in my knee joints – but you know as well as I do that those little fuckers are LIARS.

Weather-wise, we’re on the way back to normal, blustery and wet weather. Which is tolerable.

We’re still stuck, though, with the same terrible politicians and unless the GOP plans on getting into the White House just to get me out of the country, Obama’s got a second term lined up and in his sights.

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