Pleaseda meetcha!

AUSTIN, Texas, November 18, 2009 (WSFB-AC) - In a press conference early Wednesday morning, Joe Eliot of the English rock band, Def Leppard, addressed the mysterious circumstances surrounding the October 17, 2009 cancellation of the last leg (sic) of their North American tour of the U.S. and Canada. Until this point, it had only explained as “due to unforeseen personal matters.”

It seems the drummer, Rick Allen, is once again the focus of massive band tragedy.

Details of the original band angst involving the 46 year-old Rick Allen, the formerly right-armed drummer of the band and his December 31, 1984 car crash that claimed his left arm, were never divulged, but are coming back to haunt the band now.

In what appears to be a dismemberment déjà vu incident, Allen again crashed his car on Oct 17, 2009, after reportedly losing control of the vehicle while texting on his cell phone.

Allen’s 2009 Porsche 911 Carrera S was found on the right shoulder of Chesterfield Road, just north of Hull, where it impacted a road sign on the driver’s side causing the immediate amputation of his only remaining arm at the…well…the right shoulder.

Allen is recovering nicely at his home in Derbyshire and reported as being in good spirits despite the repeated heckling of his band members.

“At first we thought it best to simply bow out of the tour without a fuss in order to preserve Rick the embarrassment of his fucking it up royally, AGAIN.  But after some consideration, it really pissed me off that he was so bloody stew-pid.   I mean, sweet Christ on po-go stick, what will it take to get through to this lad?  I suppose next year we will be rigging his kit to his wanker to get our next album completed?”

After leaving the podium, Eliot was reportedly overheard mumbling “We’ve got to do something.  Maybe we can call the next album, Cauterize, or no, no, maybe Amputize.  Yeah, Amputize, for sure.  We’re gonna make a killing with mullet-wearing quadraplegics across the world!”

Guitarist Vivian Campbell, a passenger in the collision, suffered minor injuries and reportedly retrieved the arm from the scene and repeatedly smacked Allen in the face with the limb yelling “You!  Are!  A!  Stew-pid, TWAT!” before attempting to twist the severed limb up an unconscious Allen’s arse.

It appears Allen was in the last remaining clicks of sending a text to his girlfriend allegedly stating “brb, gotta drive”.

He was unable to press send before the collision.

Bassist Rick Savage could only babble incoherently, “Bloody arse, that dim-fuck, bladdered toss-pot! Umpteen times I tole him!?  iPhone malarkey!  Simply cock and bull!”