Local non-fun bloggers reported earlier today that “rapids” had formed in the Longfellow Creek area, near the urban nuclear renewal waste repository on Delridge.

Unconfirmed reports state that powerful eddies are likely to form in the swift current, bringing death and destruction to everything in its path. More than 300 livestock and small pets have been reported missing since the sky tsunami rolled into the region around 2:00PM PST.

Citizens are urged to stay indoors, or head to Burien where the local blog reports “just another Seattle day” as the current weather conditions.

There is an ample supply of tacos and other delicious foods in the Burien business district.

Meteorologists far and wide are warning of a La Niña Winter, colder and wetter than its effeminate brother, El Niño.

Mother nature has a nasty bitch of a daughter, and she’s coming to your house for a visit.

Before the cold weather sets in, it’s important to take a few necessary precautions to ensure that your home, health, and sanity are protected. We here at the Funblog offer you this brief 5-Point La Niña Primer that covers the basics.

1) First and foremost, you need to keep the cold air out and the warm air in. This is commonly accomplished by installing weather-stripping around windows and doors. A little draft can spike your heat bill and chill you to the core.

In the event that you don’t install weather-stripping, we recommend an easy-to-remember alternative: weather-stripping.

When freezing your junk off, one is typically inclined to put on more clothes when in reality you should do just the opposite. You should strip down to nothing, crawl into bed, and trade body heat with your partner. If you’re not a police officer, you should get naked with your significant other.

2) Along the lines of preventing cold air from coming in, we highly recommend caulk. Where a little caulk will do the trick, a lot of caulk is much better. Using caulk is quite simple, even for the amateur caulk enthusiast. Just point and squeeze. For general purposes, we recommend white caulk, but hear that black caulk is even more effective. So raulk out with your caulk out!

3) Stock up on booze. This typically goes without saying here at Funblog Headquarters, but we’re trying to be thorough. A little nip will always take the edge right off. It will also relax you and make weather-stripping and caulking much more enjoyable.

4) Load up on wood. We can’t stress enough how much wood you need. The heat of good wood will warm you from the inside out. A common belief is that your wood should be bone dry, but we’ve found that when wood gets wet, the internal inferno still rages. On a serious note, if your wood burns excessively, you should see your doctor.

5) The previous item assumes you have a fireplace. But fret not, ye without hearth and mantle! An alternative means of heat for those less fortunate is the “round file firepit” and all you need is a computer, internet access, a printer, and a round metal waste basket. Simply go to the West Seattle Blog, print out a bunch of their “news” reports, throw them in the trash can where they belong, and add fire!

Ahhhhhh, thank you WSB! You’ve warmed my cockles.

And by cockles, I mean caulk.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Photo: www.wind-works.org

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, October 24, 2010 (WSFB) – Brisk winds blew through the Fauntleroy ferry dock area at the south end of Lincoln Park in West Seattle earlier this afternoon and for the first time ever, the monolithic helix-shaped vertical wind turbine attached to an area home turned.

The turbine generates electricity and passes the current to the home, supplementing inbound current from the grid. In the event of a surplus (or when the turbine generates more current than the meter will allow), the current is directed back into the grid.

“We’re so pleased to finally see the turbine spinning!” exclaimed Metro rider Thom Lembergh while waiting at the stop for the 54. “I thought for the longest time it was some kind of avant-garde art piece, except they had that sandwich board out front applauding the ‘latest green installation’. I never know what these hippies are up to.”

Other citizens we approached for comment cited similar observations.

Recently, in an effort to allow more wind to channel unobstructed to the turbine, a large fir tree was stripped of its branches and the tall matchstick-like trunk left standing. However, due to the historically mild winds in the area, the turbine was unable to rotate.

“They may just need to take out some of the trees on the south end of Lincoln Park,” said one passerby who requested to remain anonymous, pointedly. “Clear off that hill by the parking lot and you’ll get some wind.”

Recent Federal and State rebate programs provided incentives for citizens to purchase green power alternatives such as wind and solar systems at deep discounts. However, full installations started at $10,000 and increased from there. This contributed to sales falling short of projections as many potential customers consider the green power industry to be in its infancy and the notion a luxury.

[Image from http://www.wind-works.org/SmallTurbines/WorstTurbineInstallinHistory.html]

- Zenok

Badass Picture of a Frozen Car

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, February 25, 2010 (WSFB) – In weather news, El Niño almost fucked up the Vancouver Olympics and is skewing our own West Seattle feel for what Mother Nature will bring. It also minimizes my ability to appropriately use that badass picture of  a frozen car you see to the left.

Look, every year we have some kind of weather event. A foot of snow in January, bitter cold temperatures that coat the city in ice, that Jewish windstorm a couple of Decembers ago. What was that called? The Hanukkah Storm? Yes, the wind had a Yiddish accent that night….

But who doesn’t need, want, or will a snow day?

KANT 12’s weatherman, Bjorn Ibenhoff, had this to say. “Seattle is the ideal market for a weatherman. We mostly say it’s either showers changing to rain with a chance of sun or rain changing to showers with sunbreaks possible. And every year we get a HUGE WEATHER EVENT to spice it up.  This year? Grits, man. It’s fucking bland.”

Furthered Ibanhoff, “This is beyond un-newsworthy. This winter has been mild with a chance of something a little less than mild, but not much. No complaints from me, though. I want to be a weatherman in Seattle now as much as I used to want to be one in Hawaii. Show up late, have some coffee, catch up on gossip, fuck an intern, go to makeup, say the SAME DAMN THING I SAID YESTERDAY,  and then maybe hit happy hour with a different intern.”

“Yeah…. Seattle weather is money, baby. Nice frozen car pic by the way.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

“I got on the bus today and the driver and I couldn’t get over how cold out it was,” local resident Maggie Fjorgensen said.  “Then everyone at work was talking about how freezing it was, and all of a sudden I had something in common with all kinds of people that normally don’t even look at me.”

The cold weather also has had an unusual impact for local businessman Randall McFlockerman, who found people seeking warmth in his hobby shop today.  “All these (expletive) coming into my store stealing my heat.  They don’t care about my hobby shop, bout my things. Nobody wants to buy board games or model airplanes anymore.  God damn Call of Duty 4 ruined it all, mother (expletive) Wii-box station.”

While day to day life continues amidst the dropping temperatures, the impact is much higher amongst drifters and the homeless.  Regularly scheduled homeless patrols by city officials have been halted due to “it being really fucking cold outside”, leaving the homeless to light each other on fire for warmth.  Drifters have found themselves knifing people more as well, mostly when they come across someone in a dark alley with a coat warmer than their own.  They then also typically steal the unlucky victim’s wallet and drift into the next unsuspecting town, usually by hitchhiking.

Though dogs are not as affected by the cold as much as humans are, many of their owners do decide to dress their dogs up in ridiculous garb in attempts to keep them warm, effectively embarrassing the canine to the point of actual physical pain for the animal.

“My poopie loves his doggie sweater,” West Seattlite Old Lady Henderson told the WSFB.  “He wuvs it, yes he does,” Henderson said while holding her Saint Bernard, who could visibly be seen sweating, a lot.

However, please do keep your dog warm this winter.  And maybe your cat too, even though he’s a little bastard.

Local pimp “Golden Archie” told the WSFB that he recently had to switch from spending nights with his “warm weather ho” to his “cold weather ho”, forcing him to drive an extra three miles each night.

Local officials meanwhile have made a push to remind residents of the importance of staying warm as the cold weather hangs around West Seattle.  A recently distributed newsletter urges residents to remember the following top 5 tips for staying warm and safe this Winter:

1. Put clothes on.  If the amount of clothing you have on is not working put more on.

2. Black ice is everywhere.

3. Drink water and hot shit.

4. Don’t be dumb.  The oven is not the kitchen heater.  The BBQ grill is not the outside heater.  Your hair dryer, curling iron and a towel do not make a very safe homemade electric blanket.

5. Stop talking about how cold out it is, you’re annoying everyone you say this to.

Above all remember that the best way to stay warm this winter is to funblog, especially with the WSFB.

12:01 AM – 6:00 AM – Fog!
6:01 AM – 8:59 AM – Overcast with a 45% of rain
9:00 AM – 11:59 AM – 100% chance of HAIL!
12:00 PM – 3:00 PM – 95% chance of sunshine
3:01 PM – 6:00 PM – 65% chance of clouds
6:01 PM – 11:59 PM – 95% Frozen Fog

There you have it, our weather sucks. Doesn’t South America sound nice right about now?

Credit: Stealth Foto Ninja

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, November 06, 2009 (WSFB) — On the evening of November 5th, 2009, an autumn storm came through West Seattle.  It brought hail, sleet, rain and gusts of wind, but what it left is what people are still talking about to this day.

One West Seattle resident by the name of Cyrus Benjamin was cleaning up his front yard of tree debris.  When he went to begin to cut down a maple tree that the city had planted as part of a program several years ago he saw a bright light shine through the tree’s trunk.  He promptly recalled as a kid, seeing the commericals for LUcky Charms cereal and believed me may have struck a pot of gold!  “I’ve always dreamed of this day, but never thought it would actually happen!”  Exclaimed a gitty Cyrus.  “I’m going to tell my job to fuck itself and but I haven’t decided what I’m going to do next, who cares!”

There you have it, another story of resident makes out like a bandit while you are just holding your dick.