The West Seattle Funblog &#187; Sports

Cowboys' New Center

Tarvaris Jackson Toasted As Starter

Pete Seazle — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 13:58:52 +0000

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, November 16, 2011 (WSFB) – Despite Tarvaris Jackson’s strong performance in Sunday’s 22-17 victory over the Baltimore Ravens, Coach Pete Carroll is opting to make a change for next Sunday’s matchup against the St. Louis Rams.

Carroll is going to start Charlie Whitehurst based on his likeness appearing on a piece of toast.

“It was a sign from above,” said Carroll. “On Monday morning, I was reading the usual blogs on T-Jack’s performance and thinking ‘yeah, the kid did pretty good’. And then the toaster popped and there it was. The sign from above that told me I needed to go with Charlie.”

Whitehurst’s performance in his last showings against the Browns and Bengals was abysmal, but the choice is Carroll’s to make.

Said Jackson, “I can sum up my comment in two words: white bread. That’s all I have to say on it.”

“I figured T-Jack would be upset with the switch to Whitehurst, but come on now,” said Carroll. “He could be the answer to our quarterbacking prayers. After all, they don’t call him ‘Clipboard Jesus‘ for nothin’.”

Lord help us all.

Tim Tebow To Coach Penn State

Pete Seazle — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:24:32 +0000

STATE COLLEGE, Pennsylvania, November 14, 2011 (WSFB) – In the wake of the firing of Penn State’s iconic football coach Joe Paterno, the Nittany Lions have hired Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow as JoePa’s replacement.

“We’ve taken a serious blow to our image,” said Penn State President Rodney Erickson, “and it was necessary to bring in someone who was righteous, just, and preferably a virgin. Tim Tebow fits that bill to a T. And he knows a thing or two about football. That’s an added bonus.”

Tebow’s professional football career was going nowhere fast, so this move is a brilliant decision on his part.

“Diddling little boys is wrong,” said Tebow, “And I don’t think anyone at Penn State thinks that it is. As someone who’s never diddled, I felt I could bring a sense of morality to Penn State and help their image just like I did with the Broncos. I hope to one day have 46 non-diddling years behind me as the coach of the Nittany Lions.”

Said Broncos coach, John Fox, “We wish Tim luck at Penn State. He definitely has the purity and virtue that Penn State’s image needs right now. And he was really killing our locker room mojo with all of his bible versing and whatnot.”

Curry Misses Another Assignment…Badly

Pete Seazle — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:08:14 +0000

"Hey batter, hey batter, SWING!"

SOMEWHERE IN, Texas, October 17, 2011 (WSFB) – Former Seattle Seahawks linebacker Aaron Curry, traded on Wednesday to the Oakland Raiders because he ”didn’t have a clue”, missed the Black and Silver’s Sunday win over the Cleveland Browns because he was on a flight from Dallas.

Immediately after being traded, Curry was informed of the home game against the Browns. However, Curry tends to not fully grasp concepts and easily confuses Cleveland and Detroit. A simple check of any sports website showed that Detroit was playing in Texas on Saturday, so Curry went there for his Raider debut. However, he didn’t quite understand that it was the ALCS in which the baseball Detroit Tigers were playing the baseball Texas Rangers.

Curry suited up nonetheless. In his Seahawks uniform.

“It’s a simple misunderstanding,” said Hue Jackson, head coach of the Raiders. “We still have a tremendous amount of faith in Aaron’s skills on the field. I blame our coaching staff for not clarifying which field.”

Said Detroit Tigers outfielder Brennan Boesch, “I don’t know what the hell he was doing there as I fielded that ball, but he kinda freaked my shit out. That’s why I dropped it.”

Aaron Curry brushed off the confusion and waxed poetic about his new found future with Oakland.

“I apologize to the Detroit Tigers if I had anything to do with them being eliminated from the playoffs, even if they did lose by 10 points, a touchdown and a field goal if my math is right,” said Curry. “But I’m an athlete and my heart is in San Francisco. Or perhaps a little to the east of San Francisco. Unfortunately, my luggage is still in Dallas.”

AFC’s Colts Milking New Logo

Pete Seazle — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 19:04:45 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana, October 16, 2011 (WSFB) – The Indianapolis Colts, going into Week 6 of the NFL season with an 0-5 record, were at the very least honest about their performance.

On Friday, they unveiled a new helmet design which looks remarkably like funbags.

“Yep, they’re boobs,” said Colts head coach, Jim Caldwell. “If we’re going to look like boobs on the field, we’re going sport boobs on our helmets until we turn this bus around.”

The Colts lost 27-17 to the Bengals in an AFC matchup in Cincinnati on Sunday, dropping their record to 0-6.

“I’m tired of our guys getting milked out of victories,” continued Caldwell. “We’re getting squeezed, pinched, licked, and nibbled out there, week in and week out. We should be dominating with our Double D defense, but instead it looks like we’re competing for the A Cup.”

Said Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick on the new design, “I can’t argue. They’re look like giant titties out there. It’s quite appropriate.”

Peyton Manning, on the Injured Reserve list with a neck injury and never one to pull punches verbally, said of Vick’s comment, “We can design a logo for Vick’s helmet if he’d like us to. Gimme your pen. I’ll do it right now.”

Cracker? Puh-LEEZE!

Pete Seazle — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 12:12:25 +0000

PHILADLELPHIA, Pennsylvania, September 26, 2011 (WSFB) – Racism found its way into professional sports for the second time in four days on Sunday with an incident at Lincoln Financial Center, home of the NFL’s Philadelphia Eagles.

Eli Manning, the white quarterback of the New York Giants, was the target of a violent barrage of saltine crackers emanating from the notoriously raucous Philly fans.

“I’m not proud of our fans right now,” said Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid, a fan of many foods as evidenced by his sizable girth. “Sure, they’ll heckle the visitors without remorse and cheer for their death and mean it. But they’ve never been racist before. This is unacceptable and quite frankly, I’m a little hungry about it.”

Sunday’s incident follows a similar incident on Thursday in London, Ontario during an NHL exhibition game between the Detroit Red Wings and the Philadelphia Flyers. Flyers’ forward Wayne Simmonds, who is black, was preparing to take a penalty shot when a banana peel was thrown from the stands. John Labatt Centre does not sell bananas.

“It was clearly premeditated,” said Simmonds. “The only thing they sell at Labatt Centre is Labatt’s beer, saltine crackers, and more Labatt’s beer. They’re Canadian, eh?”

Eli Manning seemed unfazed by the incident and proceeded to beat the Eagles 29-16 in an NFC East showdown.

“I love playing in Philadelphia,” said Manning, a graduate of the University of Mississippi and not known to be the sharpest tool in the shed. “By the time the fourth quarter rolls around, I’ve usually worked up quite the appetite. I think it’s very courteous of the Eagle fans to throw down a snack or two. Thanks Philly!”

Said Michael Vick, Manning’s quarterback counterpart for the Eagles who is black, “I can only imagine the retribution the fans in New York have planned for me when we play there later this season. Frankly, thinking about what they might throw in my direction scares the dogshit out of me.”

In response to this comment, PETA has issued a bulletin to its New York metropolitan members stating that if fans are to throw anything at Vick, it should be bullets. And to please throw them really, really hard.

Now that's a Giant cracker!

West Seattle Equestrian A Leg Up On Adversity

Pete Seazle — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 12:31:35 +0000

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, September 15, 2010 (WSFB) – Gemma Gamison is a an 18 year-old Senior at Chief Sealth High. She is an avid horse-lover and co-captain of the school’s Literal Water Polo Team, The Marcos. Her horse, SugarCube, is her prized posession.

As rich as Gemma’s life is, it’s only made richer by the tragedy she has overcome. Gemma lost her right leg in a Water Polo accident.

Chief Sealth is a 4A school, tucked amid a Water Polo conference as tough as any in Kentucky or in a coastal state.

And 4A Water Polo is downright vicious.

“These bitches bring their nags onto my turf and throw apples and carrots into the water. There’s no rule against that, but it’s well-known to be shady play,” said Gamison.

“It was a match against Ballard High,” she continued. “Those fish-loving, blockhead motherfuckers threw BUSHELS of Red Delicious into the pool. It was mayhem. SugarCube did her best, but the fruit got the best of her. She took a bite at a monster apple, missed, and snapped my leg clean off just above the knee.”

Doctors were unable to save the leg as most of it was devoured by bottom-diving horses. But Gamison is fine with that.

“It’s like football. If you go pro, your body is gonna show it when you hit 45. My sport is a little rougher. No other sport involves biting unless you’re Evander Holyfield.”

When asked about the fate of SugarCube, Gemma said, “I can’t hold that against her. It’s instinct, right? She was just doing what swimming carnivorous equine are programmed to do: snap my fucking leg off. She’s still with us and is being taken care of as she always has been. With love and respect.”

Any thoughts of vengeance at all?

Gamison: “”I’ve eaten at Jack-In-The-Box, so I’m sure I’ve had horse before. She knows this.”

Want to bitch about horse abuse? Bring it. Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Drag Racers Pounce On West Seattle

Pete Seazle — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 12:02:52 +0000

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 29, 2011 (WSFB) – A new phenomenon has reared its head in West Seattle: Drag Racing.

High speed? Check.

High adrenaline? Check.

High heels? Uhhhhhhhh, check?

The terrain of West Seattle has been deemed conducive to this new sport in which male contestants don dresses, skirts, blouses, nylons, and heels for Cross-Country Drag Racing. This is not your traditional 40-yard dash. This is ten kilometers of grueling, heel-breaking, street-pounding, gravel face-planting, ground-piercing mayhem.

“Though it may seem hard to believe, it’s actually the the grass portions of the course that are the most difficult,” said Petr Flagstad, running the 10K for the fifth time. “I wear 6 inch stilettos and, when the ground is wet, they sink right in. The City of Seattle should pay us for aerating Lincoln Park.”

The course begins on Alki and takes racers up Beach Drive, with off-road detours through Me-Kwa-Mooks Park and Lincoln Park. The turnaround leads up Fauntleroy and through Morgan Junction, with a jaunt through Camp Long for more woodsy wobbling. The race’s final leg is Harbor Avenue, with a checkered flag back on Alki.

Said local resident Shorty “Dave” Wembley, “It’s not something that I’d do,” referring to donning a tube top and mini-skirt, “but I can relate. Back in college in Houston, I got so passed-out drunk one night, my buddies dressed me up like a lady and dropped my ass off in the parking lot of the Texas Rodeo. When I woke up… well, let’s just say it was Texas in the 60’s and they didn’t go for that. I was in drag and running like hell, too. Yeah, that still haunts me at night.”

Said Stefano Durango, a Morgan Junction resident, “It’s an organized event? I really didn’t think anything of it. Shit like that happens all the time around here.”

Canoe Dancing As An Olympic Sport?

ezb — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 12:51:33 +0000

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July 25, 2011 (WSFB) – Listen up everyone. You probably have never heard of canoe dancing. Until I was told I had to write about it I hadn’t either. I guess it was featured on the Colbert Report. Should it be an Olympic Sport? Sure, why not. Please don’t ask me to elaborate because I really don’t care about the Olympics or canoes. If someone wants to watch some old dude paddling in the water to Lady in Red, by all means have at it. End of article.

McEnroe Underwear Banned By Wimbeldon

Pete Seazle — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 17:21:17 +0000

(Lothario Manning - making this post SFW)

NEW YORK, New York, July 13, 2011 (WSFB) – Tennis rivals from the 80’s, John McEnroe and Björn Borg, have teamed up in yet another rivalry, this one to see who can sell more underwear. Borg, an icon of tennis dominance in the disco era, started his own underwear company after his retirement and recently brought on McEnroe to help market his drawers.

They each have two sets of self-designed skivvies that are matched up against each other in a “Total Sales – Winner Take All” bet.

Said Borg, “He always whined like zee leetle guu-uurl. His pouch ees very small. Zee victory is mine.”

But McEnroe intends to nip that misconception in the bud.

“I’m NOT small, you kraut-eating twat-waffle!” he screamed at his press conference. “Those tight shorts from the ’80’s pushed my JUNK up into my BODY cavity! You’re BLIND if you think my junk is SMALL!”

McEnroe’s two sets of underwear entered into the competition are both frontless, just to prove his point.

“Match. Set. GAME, Björn!” he whispered at the top of his lungs.

But McEnroe’s plan for a swift blitzkrieg against Borg were daunted by the British at Wimbledon this year when they banned his briefs from the clubhouse.

“This is a respectable tournament for gentlemen and their ladies,” said Nigel Ouiman, Wimbledon’s Director of Decency and Chips. “We won’t have McEnroe or McEnroe supporters bandying about with their privates hanging OUT the front of their athletic supporters. No way. This is Wimbledon. Not a chance.”

Screamed McEnroe, “OUT! Are your SERIOUS!? My junk’s not OUT! You must be BLIND!”

Borg is currently leading at Wimbledon, or Wimbleton as you Americans say it, two sets to nil.