“Our return policy is clear,” said Seattle mayor Greg Nickels. “No refunds or returns without a receipt. Just because the Thunder suck ass doesn’t mean we want them back, despite this great city’s fondness of ass-sucking sports teams.”

“I don’t know where that damn receipt is,” said Bennett. “I’ve looked everywhere – in my car, in the pants I was wearing the day I lied to the whole retarded city and bought this sucky team, in Kevin Durant’s locker, which smells lovely, by the way. I’m just hoping I didn’t throw it away at the Taco Bell.”

Bennett expressed surprise at both the rigidity of Seattle’s return policy and the ass-suckiness of the team. “I knew this team sucked ass when I bought it,” he told reporters. “But I had no idea they sucked ass this badly. I didn’t know anyone ever sucked ass this badly. I didn’t know it was even physically possible to suck ass this badly. I mean sure Kevin Durant looks good in leather chaps, but it’s like this team never even heard of gravity the way they shoot. Seattle should have paid me to take this suck-ass team. Oh wait, that’s right…they did. But still, you know what I mean.”

Nickels was quick to defend the city’s strict policy. “No returns means no returns. We offered him in-store credit at the Qwest Field gift-shop. What more does he want?”

Mutombo, 43, is said to be considering accepting the invitation regardless of a bad knee that forced him into retirement.  “I want to play in the NBA until I am 65,” the 7′2″ Congo native told the WSFB in his trademark deep and intimidating voice.  Mutombo then added, “ha ha just kidding little reporter man, I only want to play in All Star game this year for the free schwag and to party with Kobe.”

Mutombo, a well known figure in humanitarian circles, then flashed his trademark smile and departed to assist men and women of lesser stature than his own.

The announcement of Mutombo being voted onto the NBA All Star team comes at the same time as the controversial voting of Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady to the team as well.  Iverson has not played well this season while McGrady has played about 2 seconds on the court and is currently not with his team. Yet somehow both were voted ahead of others that were more deserving.  It is believed that the All Star voting system the NBA uses is flawed and that allowing players and coaches to help decide who makes the team would result in a more fair process.

However the WSFB thinks that the Dikembe Mutombo voting is different due to the sheer awesomeness of Mutombo as a former player and contributor to society.  We support the Mutombo vote, and also hope to encourage the public to vote for other amazing contributors to the game of basketball that might have one more game left in them, including Latrell Sprewell, Charles Barkley, Gary Payton and Alonzo Mourning.

The NFL playoffs start today and the Seahawks, for the second year in a row, will not be participating.  However, today’s firing of head coach Jim Mora, as well as rampant rumors of the potential hiring of Pete Carroll as a replacement (and possibly as president of the franchise), have kept the Hawks in the news.

The fact of the matter is the Seahawks losing season has just added to the local affliction that I call SSAD (Seattle Sports Affective Disorder).   Just in the last few years Seattle sports fans have suffered through a crushing (and some say stolen) Superbowl loss, a Mariners team whose completely incompetent (and eventually fired) GM took them out of contention for any kind of World Series appearance for years and the complete relocation of the only professional Seattle team to ever win a championship, the Seattle Sonics.  Add the struggles of the UW Football program and few would argue that any other major market city has suffered through poor professional team performances more than Seattle fans have.

However, there is hope, and their names are Zduriencik, Sarkisian, Romar and hopefully Carroll.

Jack Zduriencik has made some brilliant moves in this off season.  Sarkisian has re-inspired the Husky faithful and his players alike, setting up for a potential first place finish in the PAC-10 next year.  Lorenzo Romar has his team’s sights set on a high March Madness seed and a shot at the National Title.  While the hiring of Pete Carroll as head coach of the Seahawks is still just a rumor, sometimes a team needs a fresh perspective from the top to reach a higher potential (plus the NFC West is one of, if not the, weakest divisions in the NFL, ripe for the taking).

So while Seattle fans may not have a professional NBA team (thanks to David Stern who essentially let his buddy steal the Sonics away from this town by basically calling Key Arena the Death Valley of NBA venues), there is the potential for a bright 2010 in Seattle sports.  And remember, even if the Hawks, Mariners and Huskies lose in 2010 you still have the Seattle Mist.  Who are the Seattle Mist?  They are the Seattle Lingerie Women Football team.  They went 3-1 last year.  From checking out their homepage I can tell they have very competent WR’s and CB’s, and an impressive LB.  I see a Funblog field trip in the works next year.

And now onto the picks for this weekends NFL playoffs.

Jets – Bengals

Mark “Dirty” Sanchez vs. Carson Palmer.  USC alum vs. USC alum.  The Jets stout running game vs. the Bengals up and coming defense.  The often outspoken Chad Ochocinco vs. stud cornerback of the year Darrelle Revis.  While the Jets whooped up on the Bengals last week it was a must win for the Jets while the Bengals had already clinched.  While the Bengals have had more success this year it’s all about what have you done for me lately in the NFL, and the Jets are too hot to handle in my opinion.  Look for the Jets to run all over the field, and keep a hurting Ochocinco in check all day.  While the Bengals will undoubtedly be playing in the memory of fallen teammate Chris Henry, they won’t be able to stop Dirty Sanchez and co.

Prediction

Jets 31-Bengals 28

Eagles-Cowboys

So it’s no secret here that the WSFB completely supports Jessica Simpson, and while that is not the reason for us taking the Cowboys over the Eagles this weekend it surely doesn’t hurt.  In addition, Jerry Jones is scary as hell, and he constructed this mega arena with the world’s largest LCD which you can probably see from space or something, and it cost him tons of money and he probably expects nothing less than a Superbowl for his time, effort and cash.  If the Eagles do end up beating the Cowboys in their giant stadium, Jerry Jones might reveal himself to be some kind of man-bat and fly down from his suite and kill every Cowboy player and coach on the field.  And since Tony Romo plays for the Cowboys, and Jessica Simpson was in love with Tony Romo, we figure this act might somehow hurt Jessica Simpson as well, and the last thing we want is for Jessica Simpson to get hurt, I mean she already lost her dog to coyotes this year.  The Cowboys beat the Eagles last week to take the NFC East title, and while this will probably be a better game I think history will repeat itself this week as well.

Prediction

Cowboys 21 – Eagles 14

Ravens – Patriots

With Wes Welker out for the year Tom Brady and Randy Moss, along with a suspect defense, will be asked to carry the show for the Pats.  On the other side of the coin toss a couple guys with the first name of Ray will be controlling their own destiny.  If the seemingly eternal linebacker Ray Lewis can bring together the defense, and their spark plug running back Ray Rice can bring down the house with his yardage, the Ravens might just upset the Pats at home.  This game is definitely the most high profile of the four this weekend, and there is a good chance the Ravens might shine through.

Prediction

Ravens 24 – Patriots 21

Packers – Cardinals

Aaron Rogers is the reason the Packers are in the playoffs.  Kurt Warner is basically the reason the Cardinals are there as well.  Both teams are banged up, but the fact that the Packers have two crazy white guys with long hair on defense lends credit to my theory that crazy white guys with long hair will give a team the edge when a lot of the other match ups are somewhat even.  There is a chance that if the Packers win they’ll go onto play the Minnesota Vikings in Minnesota next week, and I’d love nothing more than to see Brett Favre carve up the Packers like a turkey on Thanksgiving.

Prediction

Packers 34 – Cardinals 24

As rich as Gemma’s life is, it’s only made richer by the tragedy she has overcome. Gemma lost her right leg in a Water Polo accident.

Chief Sealth is a 4A school, tucked amid a Water Polo conference as tough as any in Kentucky or in a coastal state.

And 4A Water Polo is downright vicious.

“These bitches bring their nags onto my turf and throw apples and carrots into the water. There’s no rule against that, but it’s well-known to be shady play,” said Gamison.

“It was a match against Ballard High,” she continued. “Those fish-loving, blockhead motherfuckers threw BUSHELS of Red Delicious into the pool. It was mayhem. SugarCube did her best, but the fruit got the best of her. She took a bite at a monster apple, missed, and snapped my leg clean off just above the knee.”

Doctors were unable to save the leg as most of it was devoured by bottom-diving horses. But Gamison is fine with that.

“It’s like football.  If you go pro, your body is gonna show it when you hit 45.  My sport is a little rougher. No other sport involves biting unless you’re Evander Holyfield.”

When asked about the fate of SugarCube, Gemma said, “I can’t hold that against her. It’s instinct, right? She was just doing what swimming carnivorous equine are programmed to do: snap my fucking leg off. She’s still with us and is being taken care of as she always has been. With love and respect.”

Any thoughts of vengeance at all?

Gamison: “”I’ve eaten at Jack-In-The-Box, so I’m sure I’ve had horse before. She knows this.”

Want to bitch about horse abuse?  Bring it. Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

The Seattle Mariners recently acquired three new players over the last week; Chone Figgins, Cliff Lee and Milton Bradley, leaving local fans simultaneously praising General Manger Jack Zduriencik as well as asking him “What the fuck?”

One of these guys really wants to be in a Seattle Mariner uniform.  One of these guys apparently doesn’t.  And let’s just say one of these guys will probably end up doing his own thing, kind of like the odd kid out in the Sesame Street song.

Chone (pronounced “Shawn” as in my name is Shawn “don’t call me chone”) Figgins was the first to arrive in Seattle last week, and was introduced to the media where he cried his eyes out over the fact that the Mariners organization targeted him in free agency, saying it was great to be wanted.  Apparently the Angels, who decided not to resign Figgins, wanted to spend their money on rally monkeys.  First off this is an excellent signing for the Mariners.  Shawn don’t call me Chone Figgins was an all-star last year, he steal bases left and right, plays multiple positions plus his size is pretty much completely adorable.  When the Chone Figgins bobblehead comes out it might be actual size.  We’re paying this little dude $36 million over four years and Mariners fans should be completely ecstatic over this one as he’s one of the better utility players in the majors.  The article last Tuesday in the Seattle Times makes him look like Beattlejuice from the  Howard Stern Show, but trust me he’s going to be a great addition to the team.

Cliff Lee was the second major acquisition the Mariners made over the course of a week.  The Mariners traded a trio of prospects to the Phillies for one year of Lee’s services.  Various new outlets reported that he was “shocked” by the trade, and that he was completely happy on the Phillies and wanted to end his career there.  His agent claimed he didn’t know anything about a trade prior to the deal, and Lee ended up taking the news hard enough to think he was being sentenced to 50 years hard labor at a Siberian concentration camp.

While not at all true, this is probably how his initial conversation with his agent, Darek Braunecker went:

Braunecker:  “Hi Cliff it’s Darek, how’s the hunting going?”

Lee:  “I told you never to call me while I’m on vacation unless something really horrible happened Darek.”

Braunecker:  “Um…..yeah you see that’s the thing Cliff…”

Lee:  “What?  Is it my family? Are they alright?”

Braunecker:  “Oh totally, your wife is right here, I mean they’re fine it’s just, well Cliff….you got traded.”

Lee:  “Traded?  Wait, traded? I just helped the Phillies win a world series and they trade me?  I won the fucking Cy Young a couple years ago, how could you let this happen?  You’re supposed to not let this stuff happen Darek!”

Braunecker:  “I know, I kind of wasn’t paying attention to this email that they sent and one thing led to another..”

Lee:  “Fuck.  Ok.  Well they must have sent me to a contender at least?  Darek?  Darek are you still there?”

Braunecker:  “Listen Cliff, it’s not like you got traded to Toronto or anything that shitty, I mean how do you feel about Bigfoot?  That shit is kind of crazy right?  Really interesting topic.”

Lee: “Seattle?  Fucking-A Darek, fucking Seattle?  Are you fucking kidding me?  They’ve been rebuilding since they day they started as a team Darek, fuck!  I don’t even know where that is on a fucking map, man.  God fucking dammit Darek, Seattle?  Are you serious?”

Braunecker:  “You gotta calm down Cliff, you can’t get off on the wrong foot with the media here, or the fans.  These fans have lived through Carl Everett, Kevin Mitchell, Vince Coleman and Erik Bedard. Erik Bedard, Cliff!  He’s like the biggest bust ever, plus he’s Canadian.  If you play this right you’ll be a hero there, you know Franklin Gutierrez is on the team right?  Remember him from Cleveland?”

Lee:  “Franklin barely speaks English Darek!  Seattle?  Really Darek?  I heard Ichiro is a total dick!”

Braunecker:  “Listen, you go to Seattle, play one year, opt out and then you’re with the Yankees, I guarantee it.”

Lee:  “Fuck you Darek, I’m calling Boras (hangs up the phone).”

Braunecker:  “Fuck.”

You get the picture.  Hopefully Lee will be an outstanding addition to the Mariners rotation, a true right handed punch to Felix Hernandez’s lefty hook.  As long as he doesn’t turn into a sullen, skinnier version of Erik Bedard or fake an injury every other day Lee might take us to the AL West title.

And that leaves us with Milton Bradley.  The guy swings a mean bat when he wants to, but he also is know for his temper.  He’s known for on the field temper tantrums, including one in 2007 where he tore his ACL simply by arguing with an umpire.  My theory, though never proven, is that his head got so hot that fire shot down through his nerves and turned his ACL into ash.  It was recently reported that when the Cubs players learned of Bradley being traded they all gave a standing ovation at hearing the news.  There are two situations here that could play out for the Mariners.

Option A – Bradley slips into the number three hole and gets mentored by Ken Griffey Jr.  He hits 42 home runs, has an outstanding on base percentage and become completely a star in the community.  No blow ups on the field, no controversy off.  He turns his professional image around kind of like Johnny Lawrence at the end of The Karate Kid where he tells Daniel Larusso that he’s “alright” after Daniel crane kicked the shit out of him.  Sometimes a moment of humility is all it takes to win over the crowd and change people’s perception of you.

Option B – Bradley gets upset at a call and punches out the home plate umpire.  The catcher tries to intervene and Bradley punches him too.  Then both dugouts clear and Bradley punches everyone, kind of like Neo in The Matrix.  Then the fans get upset at seeing their favorite players punched out and Bradley proceeds to punch everyone else in the entire stadium. Bradley then turns to professional wrestling and adopts the ring name “The Game”.

If Milton Bradley turns into an Option A kind of guy, Cliff Lee realizes Seattle has a decent shot at the AL West title and Chone Figgins just keeps playing his little heart out it could be a fun year for the Mariners.  By the end of the year Jackie Z will either look like a genius, or he’ll be hearing the quiet, polite boos of Mariners fans.

]]> http://www.westseattlefunblog.com/sports/milton-bradley-cliff-lee-and-chone-figgins-walk-into-a-bar/feed 1 http://www.westseattlefunblog.com/sports/abc-sports-and-tim-tebow-announce-engagement http://www.westseattlefunblog.com/sports/abc-sports-and-tim-tebow-announce-engagement#comments Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:16:42 +0000 Killboy Powerhead http://www.westseattlefunblog.com/?p=3897 GAINESVILLE, Florida, December 04, 2009 (WSFB-AC) – The University of Florida’s Tim Tebow has won virtually every award a college athlete can win: the Heisman Trophy, The Maxwell Award, Player of the Year, the Davey O’Brien Award, the Manning Award, the Disney Spirit Award, the highly coveted Wuerffel Trophy, and is a finalist for the Best Person in the History of the Universe Award. But he recently won a prize that makes the others pale in comparison – the hand in marriage of ABC Sports.

Tebow and ABC Sports earlier this week confirmed rumors that they have indeed set a date and will exchange vows in April. “Tim is a kind, sweet, and loving Christian man,” ABC Sports told ABC Sports. “I swore off dating after that whole Matt Leinart fiasco, but Tim made me believe in love again.”

“When you’re as famous and awesome as I am, you always kind of wonder about people’s true motives,” Tebow said. “But ABC Sports loves me for who they have made me out to be.”

“It was like something out of a fairy tale,” said a gushing ABC Sports about Tebow’s proposal. “Tim surprised me with a mix tape he had made and took me to see Twilight. Then he got down on one knee. It was kind of awkward because I was already down on both of mine, but he is much bendier than most people think so we worked it out. We decided to get married on Easter Sunday, to keep open the possibility that he is the second coming of the Messiah.”

Florida will play the Alabama Crimson Tide this Saturday in the SEC Championship Game, which is a de factor semi-final for the BCS Title Game in January. Assuming that the University of Texas Longhorns take care of business in their Big 12 game against Nebraska, the stage will be set for the national championship game.

The Longhorns’ own Colt McCoy has been nominated to be Tebow’s best man in the ceremony, though ABC Sports is reporting that Tebow might be his own best man, because he is the best man. Ever.

Nordegren is known for her own work as a famous Scandinavian model as well as being the wife of Tiger Woods. She has been in the news of late due to speculation that Tiger’s early morning one-car accident and subsequent golf-club rescue was in fact an act of rage over Tiger’s improprieties and affair with a cocktail waitress.

The following excerpt is from an interview conducted at a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs in Orlando, Florida.

Lorena Bobbitt: Thank you very much for meeting with me and agreeing to clear the air in an exclusive WSFB interview.

Elin Nordegren: Of course, Lorena. We’re sisters now.

LB: So, explain that statement please. How are we sisters?

EN: You and me. Men. Infidelity. Unpunished violence. You got a 45-day mental evaluation and no jail time for chopping off your husband’s wiener. I’m not accused of anything either. You’re actually an inspiration to me, dear.

LB: How’s that?

EN: Your husband flaunted his affairs and you took action! Tiger didn’t exactly flaunt it, but due to his fame and stature, the National Enquirer flaunted it for him. Flaunting is flaunting and it made me feel inadequate and enraged!

LB: You’re a beautiful woman. You could have had a tryst or two yourself, right?

EN: Of course.  Maybe I have, and maybe I haven’t. But the goddamn National Enquirer isn’t writing about my wiener.

LB: Yes, wiener…. (long contemplative pause)

EN: Uhhhhh, Lorena? Over here, hon.

LB: Yes, wieners. Delicious. Are you afraid that this incident will make you a laughingstock, the subject of jokes and such? Surely, it’s already started.

EN: I don’t think I want to answer that question. The jokes are a private matter for the public to forward via email amongst themselves, much like this entire incident is a family matter for the Woods family.

LB: Let me phrase it this way. Have you heard any good Tiger-Elin golf club jokes? We’d love to hear one.

EN: I have a joke for you. These two guys are driving down the highway and happen to be tailgating YOU at the exact moment you toss John’s wiener out the window. Smack! Right into their windshield! The first guy turns to the second guy and says, “Damn! Did you see the size of the dick on that bug?” HA!

LB: That’s not nice, Elin. This interview is supposed to be about you.

EN: Yeah? Well, you can tell your little wiener funblog this interview is OVER!

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

High speed? Check.

High adrenaline? Check.

High heels? Uhhhhhhhh, check?

The terrain of West Seattle has been deemed conducive to this new sport in which male contestants don dresses, skirts, blouses, nylons, and heels for Cross-Country Drag Racing. This is not your traditional 40-yard dash. This is ten kilometers of grueling, heel-breaking, street-pounding, gravel face-planting, ground-piercing mayhem.

“Though it may seem hard to believe, it’s actually the the grass portions of the course that are the most difficult,” said Petr Flagstad, running the 10K for the fifth time. “I wear 6 inch stilettos and, when the ground is wet, they sink right in. The City of Seattle should pay us for aerating Lincoln Park.”

The course begins on Alki and takes racers up Beach Drive, with off-road detours through Me-Kwa-Mooks Park and Lincoln Park. The turnaround leads up Fauntleroy and through Morgan Junction, with a jaunt through Camp Long for more woodsy wobbling.  The race’s final leg is Harbor Avenue, with a checkered flag back on Alki.

Said local resident Shorty “Dave” Wembley, “It’s not something that I’d do,” referring to donning a tube top and mini-skirt, “but I can relate. Back in college in Houston, I got so passed-out drunk one night, my buddies dressed me up like a lady and dropped my ass off in the parking lot of the Texas Rodeo.  When I woke up… well, let’s just say it was Texas in the 60’s and they didn’t go for that. I was in drag and running like hell, too.  Yeah, that still haunts me at night.”

Said Stefano Durango, a Morgan Junction resident, “It’s an organized event? I really didn’t think anything of it. Shit like that happens all the time around here.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

"You think you scored? Who's scoring now?"

SAN FRANCISCO, California, November 30, 2009 (WSFB-AC) – Recent evidence has surfaced proving once and for all what we have long suspected about the game of soccer: it’s here, and it’s queer.

Theories of soccer’s homosexuality first surfaced in 1983 when then 9^th grader Kevin Johnson skipped the school basketball tryouts in favor of the fledgling soccer team. In the cafeteria that afternoon, senior Ray Toney kicked Johnson squarely in the testicles and laughed, “Soccer? That is so gay.” Since that day many have believed that soccer is indeed a homosexual.

The speculation gained further steam in the late 1980’s when European players began the custom at the end of a match of stripping their musky, sweaty jerseys off of their lean, sculpted and hairless chests, glistening with moisture and what we can only imagine to be cocoa butter and embracing each other – beautifully, hotly, and with just a hint of passionate violence.

Soccer, or “football” as the sport is known in homosexual circles, is also full of overly dramatic nancies who are frequently seen wearing Capri pants and carrying “satchels” while out on the town.

The rumors were finally confirmed with the emergence of a recent photograph in which soccer appears to be engaging in homosexual activity.

However, in a possible sign that the world has evolved at least slightly since 1983, soccer’s recent confirmation that it does in fact live as a “happy, healthy, gay sport” has not affected its popularity at all. Those dire warnings about how coming out of the closet can destroy a sport’s viability seem like archaic and threadbare platitudes. Soccer remains incredibly popular, especially in extremely gay places like France and Italy.

Rachel Uchitel ~ Yeah you would...

ORLANDO, Florida, November 30, 2009 (WSFB) – He’s back. He’s black. He golfs and shloinks super-Swede models. Life is good.

Yet, times are tough in Florida for golfing’s own self-appointed Master of Kickassmanship, Tiger Woods.

Thanksgiving usually ends with pumpkin pie and a nap, but this year marked something different for the Woods household. Black Friday now has a whole new meaning: Tiger Woods shanking his SUV into a T-R-EE!

At 2:25 AM on Friday, Tiger drove his Cadillac Escalade into a neighbors tree after clipping a fire hydrant in the exclusive gated Windermere suburb of Orlando, FL. He was rescued from the non-fiery, non-inferno by his wife and supermodel, Elin Nordegren, who broke out the back window with…. a golf club.

I’m not shitting you. If I were, I would have eaten you first.

Tiger sustained injuries including a concussion and a broken back Cadillac window, both considered non-life threatening by doctors at Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, who had nothing to do with the incident.

“Tiger is coherent and aware of the situation,” said Cedars Sinai representative Kevin Johnson. “We’re pretty sure that he’s still able to compete in California’s Chevron World Challenge at the Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, California this Monday. That’s here in California, by the way.”

Johnson was then pistol-whipped for being a major suck-up douchebag.

Speculation among the sports world is swirling with theories that Tiger suffered from LTS (L-Tryptophan Syndrome) or perhaps was accosted by Nordegren for his alleged improprieties with Rachel Uchitel, a New York hottie socialite with a funny last name. It is also speculated that the injuries to Tiger’s upper and lower lips were inflicted by Nordegren, who then grabbed a pitching wedge and chased Tiger out into the driveway.

Tiger’s public relations rep had this to say: “Tiger has and will continue his quest for a hole-in-one. Elin supports him in this endeavor and will now caddy for him, beginning in Thousand Oaks.”

Said Nordegren, “I’ll carry his sticks, but he can wash his own balls. Lying, fucking bast….”