Hey… Wait!! This is just getting good! WTF??!! OH!!!

The Miners!!! AWESOME! Ok, they are all out now. Larry King… Really??!!
What about these “Delaware Aryans”?? What’s Delaware’s toughest prison anyhow??

Because you know that’s where those guys would be. Sussex Boot Camp, despite its menacing name, is for non-violent and parole-friendly offenders, so it must be one of the ones named after a dude… James T. Vaughn Correctional Center and Howard R. Young Correctional Institution sound pretty rough… But who gives a fuck about Delaware corrections Aryan population?

Well, maybe Christine O’Donnell should. Oh… and did I mention I figure I could likely manage to get a HJ from that one?? Hell… Someone of average intelligence should be able to easily coerce someone of her somewhat challenged intellect into performing such an act by assigning some inflated significance or patriotic quality to the deed. Hell, she might even live up the job title of “Head Administrator” if someone were to detail the duties as “administering head.” Just listening to her talk it is readily apparent that this person is painfully dumb. And while not very good for conversation, am I not correct that the dumb ones are easiest to nail? So looking back on some of life’s experiences, I am now beginning to warm up to the idea of meeting O’Donnell before the election ends “this phase” of her career.

So now I am frustrated about the whole Chilean Miner incident: Not the outcome, mind you: but the fact that this O’Donnell chick is funnier than her sister Rosie, and I am missing these gems! Not to mention that, while not exactly Megan Fox, she strikes me as one of those “slightly overweight/totally over the top in bed” types once you get her past her hangups about masturbation and whatnot…

Or maybe… there is something to this whole “Delaware Aryan” thing! What then?? Do we call them simply “Delawaryans”?  Should we then be affording them interstate health coverage? And WHY??!!

Well, here’s hoping the upcoming elecctions are not too severely impacted by those damned DelawAryans!

Again, you’re not alone. The Funblog’s colon is routinely spastic and misbehaved; the human organ equivalent of the contemporary stubborn post-pubescent male. However, we’ve found ways to cope with unbelievable groinal cramps and digestive disruption. Ten of them to be exact:

1. Take drugs. Go see your doctor, or do some research online. There’s all kind of swell pain killers, muscle relaxers, and the like freely available online.

2. Drink a little. After you secure your pharmaceuticals, wash a few of them down with a clear alcohol like vodka. Stay away from bourbon and tequila – these liquors have been identified to not be vodka.

3. Smoke some marijuana. If anything, it will take your mind off the heinous grumpy feeling in your lower gut. Don’t have any, or don’t know where to get some? If you’re reading this that means you’re on the Internet. Chances are you use some social media mechanism like Facebook and we guarantee one of your friends is a stoner. Probably like 2 degrees of separation.

4. Go for a drive. Assuming you drive a large, comfortable American car, this is the time to get up and out of the house. Hit I-90 east and drive until you don’t feel like driving any more. Ten bucks says that’ll be Yakima. They have a Taco Bell, but do not eat there. Long story.

5. Turn around at some point and go home. You left all your drugs and marijuana at home. Sure you can get more vodka. That’s easy. But the good stuff is back in your top left drawer.

6. Watch a movie. A good comedy or drama works wonders by drawing you into the story. Avoid Godzilla movies as the story lines are wafer thin and the plots are complex when you consider how the Big One ended.

7. Call a friend and let them know how you’re feeling. Give that co-worker you’ve been yukking it up with all week a call and make jokes about the pain, and more specifically the area of you body where it’s most painful. Don’t worry, it’s not during work hours.

8. Go somewhere uncomfortable. For us it’s Roxbury Lanes over by the Roxbury Safeway. Fucking place is c-r-e-e-p-y! However, there are several extremely attractive female types that apparently “work” there. In addition, a sultry business class cougar was spotted there about 2 weeks ago.

9. Build a business plan for a premium calling service such as 900 numbers. You’re tired of working that dead end day job and know there’s people out there leading an exciting work life and a lot of them run 900 number lines. Remember: It doesn’t matter what they look like as long as they can talk purdy.

10. Sell you colon on Craigslist. Look at the shit people sell on there. You can’t tell me there’s not an online market for human organs – even defective ones. Come on, don’t be a fool.

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 30, 2010 (WSFB)

SEAZLEIZM #5:

“As much as I love cats, they’re regrettably little more than glorified vermin…. wild animals traipsing around in domesticated civvies. Bathe a cat or try to clip its toenails and you put your life in its paws.

On the flip side, four little bitty strips of Scotch tape have never been funnier than when attached to the pads on cat’s feet in the kitchen.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 27, 2010 (WSFB)

SEAZLEIZM #8:

“Protesting en masse is an excellent means by which we, as free Americans, can express our disdain for government policy.

However, I highly recommend putting some thought into your choice of signs. They need to be thought out carefully for content and clarity. You can’t just take the path of least resistance and buy one at the dollar store.

Dumbass.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July XX, 2010 (WSFB)

SEAZLEIZM #7:

“It’s important to remember that you have the right to remain silent. If you fail to use this right, anything you say or imply that you dig can and will be pressed against you firmly, to ensure that it makes you feel good and keeps you from remaining silent.

Please fail to use this right.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Aimee Mullins

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July 28, 2010 (WSFB)

SEAZLEIZM #6:

“Unless it’s physically impossible, do not take the elevator to move up or down a single floor. Take the stairs. And try eating a salad sometime.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July 25, 2010 (WSFB) – Facebook has permeated every aspect of human life across the globe and has become the mechanism through which people connect with new friends and reconnect with old ones.

Originally designed by Mark Zuckerberg as means for college folk to connect with one another, Facebook has blossomed into a titanic cloud-based application with more than 500 million users and has transcended the now archaic paradigms of social media and social networking.

Not only can you connect with friends, fan pages, and entities (businesses, bands, personalities, celebrities, etc.), you can play a myriad of online games that are under constant development and keep yourself entertained – and your friends annoyed with relentless updates – for days and weeks on end.

However, it’s not all fun and games. Some folks take what Facebook has to offer seriously and utilize it as a means to promoting their product and/or brand.

The Funblog leans heavily on Facebook as a means to share blog posts, event information, to spread the word about opportunities for folks to get involved in their community.

A huge part of this process is tagging via update as it allows one to tag or call out friends by posting tagged content directly on said friends’ wall. Pretty cool functionality – if it works.

Recently, we’ve been unable to perform this operation and it has hobbled our efforts to connect with friends; in essence disabling our ability to cross-post or interact with people we’re trying to help. But we’re not the only one affected by this technical issue. Out of nearly 3,300 comments posted to the Facebook announcement of tagging via update functionality, there appear to be thousands of users experiencing the same issue.

There have been no formal announcements from Facebook in this regard and people are starting to get pissed. And rightfully so.

When you rub the public clitoris, you’re going to get a response and most of the time that response is going to be, “oooh…do that again!” People want Facebook to work so they can keep coming back time and time again to satiate their lust for attention and need for companionship.

One might speculate that an undocumented policy may exist that puts the kibosh on tagging capabilities once a user has exceeded a certain (undisclosed) threshold of x tags per month, but who the fuck really knows? It’s not as if Mark Zuckerberg will acknowledge the issue exists or provide a solution. We’d love to hear something like, “…you get what you pay for, and you should be happy for what you’ve got.” At least then we’d know where we stand as 500 million plus users that have turned Facebook into one of the most powerful and profitable Internet entities in human history.

So the ball is in your court, Facebook. Help people understand where your loyalties lie and do a better job of providing support to your customers – the people that “like” paid advertisements and support the businesses that promote themselves through your application.

Be honest with people and their loyalty will become unwavering.

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July 23, 2010 (WSFB)

SEAZLEIZM #5

“Why do the French riot with baseball bats?”

Baseball isn’t their national pastime. They don’t field a World Baseball Classic team. Their pro league is called Division E’lite and the team names are totally Canadian.

You can’t really use a baseball bat for anything other than baseball or crushing skulls.

And the French don’t crush skulls. They’ve proved this time and time again.

So why. The FUCK. Do they have baseball bats?

File this one with “Riots I Don’t Understand”, and that article “Denver: You Were Quite Peaceful Before John Elway Came Along” that never got published because it was “too edgy”.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

The article highlighted the meteoric rise of hyperlocal blogging in general, but put a focus on another blog in West Seattle that serves the community by observing and reporting on whale carcasses washed ashore and attending “15+ community meetings each month”.

“Every day we break stories,” quotes time.com. “”In the past hour, I learned a major parks project is being delayed because of drainage trouble and just broke that on our site.”

Isn’t that really what hyperlocal media is all about? And, who the fuck cares? This isn’t to say that everyone in the community doesn’t give a rip about the ability of a grassy knoll to shed water, but come on – is this really journalism we can’t live without?

Hyperlocal blogging is tough work. It requires sleepless nights, unrelenting pursuit of content, and severe obsessive compulsive disorder the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Idi Amin decided he had no tolerance for people of Lango and Acholi descent.

To understand the hyperlocal blogger, one must first step back and assess the core motivation. Like most people that pour their heart, soul, blood, tears, and hard earned money into something for which they have unbridled passion, the hyperlocal blogger is motivated by profit and personal gain (and for some, celebrity). Case in point: “[local non-fun blog] made six figures in revenue last year before taxes; the same is expected for 2010″ (obfuscated quote from the time.com article linked above.)

Don’t be fooled by a wolf in blogger’s clothing. It’s all about the Benjamins, and you’d pay to know what they want you to think.