Then Mikey laid it all out for me.

Mikey’s plan was so fucking insane, he was all “OK, bro, we are going to fucking run to Canada.”  Mikey said it would only take us a couple days if we ran the whole time and you know what?  It sounded pretty fucking cool and totally green like in an environment kind of way.  He also brought up a good point, if we run to Canada we don’t have to deal with the border police because they don’t even check you if you run across.  It was a fucking crazy sweet idea!

Well Mikey was really fucking wrong about this whole running man plan, it took us four weeks just to get from West Seattle to Everett, and once we managed to get to the border like infinitely later we had to ditch all the cool shit we had in our backpacks.

You see, Mikey’s game plan had a major league chew hole in it dude, apparently you can’t run across the border without some Canadican douchebag asking questions  like “why are you going to Canada” and “where is your passport” or “what’s in the bag?”  Passport?  I have no fucking clue how to even get a hold of the US Department of Passports, and believe me I googled the shit out of that one.  Then the border agents took all of our medical grade shit and sent us back into the US.

Then, even though the Canadicans wouldn’t let us through we did find a trucker dude that took us across.  All we had to do was let him take some pictures of us dressed up in these weird adult diaper things he had in his cab, but whatever dude, neither Mikey or I really like to talk about that one.

Well now it’s January and guess what, no fucking Olympic events are even happening until next month, and it took us three months to get up here because we came up with our genius idea back in October.  Plus, Mikey forgot his wallet somewhere but I think that nasty stripper in Surrey stole it.  The good news was that even though that stripper ho stole Mikey’s wallet she did tell us the Winter Olympics had a scheduling issue in Vancouver and got moved to Toronto.  Thank God we talked to her bro, without that little nugget of intelligence we would have been holding our dicks in Whistler when we should have been at some place called Mt. Quebec in Toronto.  Plus she said it’s way closer to go from Vancouver to Toronto vs. Vancouver to Whistler.  Who’s the loser now dad?

Anyways we’re on our way to Toronto by way of Greyhound, and some dude just told us that some other dude chopped some other dude’s head off a while ago on the same bus we are on right now, and I was all dude, that is fucking insane!  Then I told Mikey and he was all “ho-ly-fuck!”  But head chopper dude or no head chopper dude, as long as we get to Mt. Quebec by February 1 so we can qualify for the men’s snowboard halfpipe it’s all gravytrain.  Hope to see you there!

I know, I know…you cause dispersed matter to coalesce, thus accounting for the existence of the Earth, the Sun and the entire universe. Big whoop, cockface. And you’re responsible for keeping the planets in orbit? Congratulations! How about I buy you a big steaming hot cup of I don’t give a fuck? Douchebag.

Just because you can make me fall down doesn’t mean you should make me fall down. Besides that, I was drunk. Why don’t you pick a fair fight, bitch? Because you’re the weakest of the four fundamental forces, that’s why. Didn’t think I knew about that did you, cocksucker? It’s a little thing call the internet, Mr. Fucky McFucksalot. Maybe you should stop being so relative and read a damn book every once in a while. I hate your stupid guts. Why don’t you just tuck your “space time continuum” between your legs and do the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies? God…you’re so stupid

A Commentary by Killboy Powerhead

AUSTIN, Texas, November 12, 2009 (WSFB) – Both houses of the U.S. Congress are passing versions of the U.S. Armed Services Appropriations Bill. Once again, the politicians in Washington have shown us just how out of touch they are with the American people by including a so-called “public-option” military plan where the entire Department of Defense would become socialized – owned and operated by the government.

That’s right, the government will be in charge of the armed forces.  I don’t know why these politicians refuse to understand that Americans do not want a public-option with their military! The government wants to be the gatekeeper between Americans and their God-given right to shoot people who are not Americans.

Here is an example of what Americans fear about a “public-option” military.

Today I was walking down the street in downtown Tehran, and I saw a suspicious looking fellow of Middle-Eastern descent staggering around shouting “Allah Ahkbar!” I picked up my perfectly legal assault rifle and shot the crazy bastard dead where he stood.

The left-leaning media will be quick to point out that the man I killed was actually an Italian businessman asking where he could find “a latte bar”, but that misses the point entirely. The point is I was able to take foreign policy into my own hands and stand up for American ideology.

Do you really, REALLY, think that a socialized military will provide that sort of freedom?

You reading this RIGHT NOW is like a personal congratulation from you, to ME!

So thanks!  Y’all totally kick balls!

Yes, this post marks my 50th post.  Yes, my 50th post is about just that, my 50th post.  And what is it really about?  My 50th post?  Yes.  My 50th post.  (are you lisping? I am.)

I used to have the lingo all backwards and call a post a blog and a post a blog and vice versa.  But, then Luigi started beating me like I owed him money until I realized the errors of my ways.  This is not my 50th blog, nay, young beautiful luscious frothy delicious thermally thighed samples of readermanshipmanship (lisping again? I am).

No.  It’s my 50th post.

Thank you for being a part of this auspicious occasion.  I bet you can’t wait for my 100th blog to come… motherFUCKER….  my100th POST…. (jesus) to come out.

Sorry, sir.

No sir, please.  Not the guitar spatula…… AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

☆ .•´¯`•.¸ ☆ .•´¯`•.¸☆ .•´¯`•.¸☆•´.¯`•.¸☆•´¯`•.¸☆

To all of you in FunblogLand:

Thank you for sticking with me and reading my nutjobmanship.  Without you, I’d probably work out more.

And a special thanks to JT and Bryce for the most wicked spatula ever built!  I plan on celebrating this weekend by making pancakes in the shape of the symbol of the artist formerly know as Prince.

And serving them with some kinda Purple syrup Raining down on them.

A Commentary by Pete Seazle

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, November 10, 2009 (WSFB) – A friend of mine called the other day and told me that his wife had succumbed to “Ovarian H1N1″.  I quickly repressed my true feelings, wished them well, and signed off, allowing him to get back his home health-care duties.  Surely this was the most dire of situations this young family had encountered in recent years.

This truly comes as a shock to me.  I’m not a doctor, and I certainly don’t play one on TV, but how. The fuck. Do ovaries get the flu?  My testicles have never had bronchitis; my penis has never had a broken bone.  I’m pretty sure none of you knows anyone whose anus has had the sniffles.  What have we become?

It’s  a sad day when the greatest country in the world can’t keep our gentler sex’s baby-making parts safe from Swine Flu.  This is not a new virus, after all.  Could the doctors and scientists of the Center for Disease Control (CDC) not see this mid-body, crotchal attack in its infancy and perhaps done something to prevent this travesty?

Our politicians haggle over the nuances of health care reform as a bi-partisan virus attacks us at our core.  Will there be lasting side effects?  Will our children be born with snouts?  Will our teens actually live in a real sty and not the false sty we’ve accused them of living in for most of their second decade?

I hereby call on all politicians, both Democrats and Republicans, to put their petty differences aside and save the posterity of our great country.  There is no point-counterpoint when our eggs are at stake.

Thank you,

Pete Seazle

UPDATE: 06:53, November 10, 2009 – Okay, my bad.  He said “a variant of H1N1″, not “Ovarian H1N1″.  Please disregard everything above “UPDATE”.

And all the best to one of our own who in reality has been infected with this virus.  It really does strike close to home.  Stay healthy, wash your hands, and cover your damn mouth when you cough and sneeze people because maybe I’m wrong and your anus really can get the sniffles. ~ PSz

The Canadian diagnoses almost always begins at birth, though in some rare cases those not born with Canadian tendencies develop them later in life.   This is almost always due to spending time in Canada or associating with those already showing symptoms of being Canadian.  However, sometimes individuals are misdiagnosed with Canadianism, suffering though an unnecessary amount of treatments and ridicule.  If not properly treated serious side affects could result.

De-Canadianization is the most successful treatment for the Canadian diagnosis, and often involves being submerged into American culture and the burning of all Roots Canadian clothing.  Medication, physical therapy and psychoanalysis are also viable solutions.

However, if you’ve been diagnosed as Canadian the most important thing to remember is that it won’t just simply go away.  Avoid eating Canadian bacon.  Keep your nationality options open and don’t be afraid to take a permanent vacation.

Remember, rely on your friends and family to help you through your Canadianism.  Only with the support of professionals and loved ones can you truly overcome this affliction.

WSFB has worked effortlessly for months to seek out these censorship do-badders and melt them at their cores. Understand when you log our address in your web browser that we fight for Fun, Truth, Justice and the American Way (whatever that is). Trust in the fact that your opinion counts here, even if you’re a fishstick. You have a voice on WSFB, so feel free to speak your mind.

We Welcome All and Hope All Come Well.

Blogcontent of late has included much about one of our favorite topics: funbags.   From their domination in a recent WSFB Poll to the recurring appearances by our beloved Jessica Simpson and her ever-present chesticles, it is easy to discern that West Seattle likes the ta-tas.   Big ones, small ones, champagne glass shaped or ovally-inclined, bra-less babies or the nippleless “schmoo”, funbags are our mainstay.

That being said, one must wonder why there are no strip clubs in West Seattle.   Are we so staid that our girls can’t get paid to shake it, don’t break it, it took mother nature nine months to make it?   Is that dollar bill better off slipped under the mattress with its lonely brothers or slipped in the g-string of a lovely lady by a lonely brother?   Are we more interested in our lap tops than our lap dances?

The recent uproar in Sodo over a new strip club 400 ft from the home plate entrance of Safeco Field makes me wonder how we got left out.   Surely, the fine folks at sister club Déjà vu could have found a location West of Seattle with just as much earning potential.   Surely a spot could be found that would come without the hubbub of desecrating our national pastime: whining about the Mariners.

Perhaps they should have considered the intersection of Fauntleroy and Alaska where a once mighty car dealership was taken down by the acts of a few (oxymoron alert) sleazy car salesmen.   They could have called it Drooling Brothers.   There are open spaces in Lincoln Park where fat men are already scaring away the general populace.   And what about White Center?   Do we really need another World War I themed dog park, rife with faux mustard gas and bichon frise?

If Fremont is the center of the universe, then West Seattle is the Areola Borealis.

How could we have let this opportunity nipple-slip on us like this?