Seal gon pop a cap off.

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, February 3, 2012 (WSFB) – To follow up on other “news media’s” scoop on this developing story, the West Seattle Funblog has learned that sea life violence is escalating on the peninsula, specifically around beach areas, and it’s not exactly in ways what one might think.

While authorities focus on hunters and miscreants in their search for the perpetrator(s), our street intel has narrowed the focus of the seal deaths to the seal community itself.

The recent shooting of seals whose bodies have washed up upon our shores were retaliation for what is known in the aquatic world as “The Atka Mackerel Incident.”

The seal bodies have been positively identified as members of The Mack Daddies Ocean Club.

“In 2009, the The Krill, a West Seattle-based seal gang, violated sea law by infiltrating the Aleutian Islands to feast on the oil-rich Atka Mackerel,” said NOAA’s Kevin Johnson, Seal Gang Unit Commander. “These grounds were clearly the territory of The Mack Daddies, who are now paying back The Krill by feasting on their halibut, rockfish, and Dungeness Crab off the shores of West Seattle. This region is Krill territory, from the beaches all the way to the 7/11 at Admiral Junction. Thus, this has become a territorial blood war, with seals sporting guns. The dead seal has been positively identified as a member of The Mack Daddies, as noted by his blue bandanna.”

Krill seals can be seen briefly surfacing off the coast of West Seattle, sporting their red bandannas and Nines. And they’re making their way to shore to reinforce their turf.

“I don’t feel safe partying on Alki anymore,” said Gertrude Butters. “I just can’t hang with The Krill. They smell like fish and pop caps off like its Jacques Cousteau Day in France. How can I have fun with all of this seal clubbing going on?”

"No comment. But Krill, yo."

Asked for comment, pop music sensation Seal, had no comment.

“I have no comment,” he said, sporting what might be construed as a Krill bandanna.

“An oceanic blood war may be fun to watch,” said West Seattle Police Chief Keven Seazle, “but it’s no place for children. Please respect the ocean.  Take your kids home and don’t use plastic bags from Safeway, QFC, or 7/11.”

Security expert and Funblog Street Intel Expert D.C. contributed to the article.

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So the mother is actually rather kind about asking the man to turn that bullshit off (get a life, holmes), and he grunts and spits out something along the lines of, “Yeah yeah yeah just a few more minutes.”

This isn’t a goddamn video game where you’re just about to hit the save point.

This is a worthless piece of trash that has no common decency other than to look at porn at the goddamn library.

There really isn’t a solid law that I’m aware of that doesn’t bar a man from looking at porn in a public place, but for the love of Lemmy don’t goddamn surf porn in the library! The mom even got the attention of a typical pussy bitch Seattleite to get this fuck to turn off the porn, and you know what the librarian does? Gives some sort of bitch-ass excuse that she can’t because it’s his right to look at whatever he wants for the time he has on the computer.

So everybody, this means that we can look up WHATEVER WE WANT TO ON A GODDAMN LIBRARY COMPUTER AND NOT GET KICKED OUT FOR IT. Well, as long as we’re doing it quietly without a gun, knife, mild explosive or your dick in your hand.

The proper response should have been that this cock-ass fucktard should have been booted from the library at a minimum, and if the librarian should have been so declined there could have possibly been some police called to beat the shit out of this slime.

The daughter of this mom-thing reported that her daughter cried her eyes out on the way home and something else, I really stopped giving a shit about the impact to the family for some reason at this point because all that struck me was that there was some fool in a library surfin’ porn for all of this earth’s population to see.

That shit’s just nasty.

He probably was that ‘Can You Gimmie Somethin’ To Eat’ guy that prowls South Lake Union. That dude is horrible.

Heh, I can kinda see it, “Can you gimmie some lotion to beat mah meat?” All scraggily with his beard and shit…

Anyway, where was I…

Oh, so election bullshit.

Stormin’ Mormon Mittens won Florida over Newty Tooty with a pretty sizable gap, everyone saw it coming. Newt won’t give up because he wants attention and more women to slay behind his wife’s back while Mittens blows money and doesn’t give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock about the poor. Ron Paul and Psycho Santorum didn’t really campaign there, which was rather smart of them since they don’t have the rabid mongrel horde of old nutty bitches and bastards that Newty has and neither has the fucking berserker cash that Mittens has to have thrown much into Florida.

Both, in fact, started campaigning out here in the western states to try to get a head start by the time the caucuses roll around up here.

And to round it all out, here’s a cheerful fun fact.

The city of Black Diamond is considering a name change, replacing the word “Black” with the word “King”, which some might thing is a racial move against the African American population. When the Black Diamond city council was asked of this decision, they punched the investigator in the testicles, screamed how much that Kiss song sucked and then summoned Satan while screaming about their grandmothers getting out of wheelchairs and wondering what their trip to a “holiday site” was like.

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Further, if you’ve run into a homeless person lately, you’ve probably noticed that homeless people can have a certain… fragrance.

This isn’t a slight on the homeless or whatever got them to where they currently are. It’s just a fact of life. Life on the street can be unhygienic.

But no longer!

Unilever, the British/Dutch makers of Axe Body Spray, have made a sizeable donation to help America’s homeless in the form of a thousand cases of Axe Body Spray which is being distributed at soup kitchens across the country.

“The first part of not being homeless is not smelling homeless,” said Kevin Johnson, an overly fragrant douche nozzle representing Unilever. “It’s hard to nail an interview when you smell like street, alcohol, and soup. I should know. I got my job with Axe by using their product to mask my own scents of alcohol and soup.  Praise be to Jesus I wasn’t homeless or I would have smelled like street too.”

Representatives from the Campbell Soup Company released a statement regarding this issue:

“We here at CSC admire the good intention behind Unilever’s ‘Axe The Homeless’ campaign, but disagree that soup smells bad. We’d be more inclined to hire a homeless person if he smelled like Tomato Bisque than that shit that comes out of those Axe cans.”

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SEATTLE, Washington, January 30, 2012 (WSFB) – The City of Seattle began removing homeless people who are currently living below the Alaskan Way Viaduct at 8:00 this morning. This move is part of preparing the area for tunnel boring and is considered a matter of “public safety”.

The City claims the operation will be organized and non-violent, though there has been no mention of where the homeless might go.

However, in a limited effort to help by the City, each displaced homeless person will receive a spritz of Axe Body Spray before they are sent on their way.

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But Harry is not the has-been opening a Vietnamese restaurant in White Center. That would be the artist born Robert Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, and his new haute Vietnamese restaurant Manok Ng Ina Mo, which is wide open for business as of last week.

“Honestly, a lot of people thought that I was on top of the world selling so many millions of records,” said Van Winkle, “and that this is the life that everybody would want, but I never got to enjoy any of my success.”

Vanilla Ice was clearly in his 14th minute of fame by the time the controversy erupted in which he allegedly ripped off the Queen/David Bowie collaboration “Under Pressure” for the foundation of the song that launched his career, “Ice, Ice Baby”. But the success of that one song gave him the freedom to pursue other interests, such as Vietnamese cuisine.

“I made some great investments and I held on to my money,” said Van Winkle, “which also enables me to have the freedom to do what I want now. But it’s not about finances. No matter what, it’s about keeping it real.”

Real tasty, that is.

Van Winkle is still cashing in on his Vanilla Ice fame though. New television and radio ads for Manok Ng Ina Mo are set to debut in December and feature Van Winkle in his douche-bag Ice attire.

“Yo yo, I gots the noodles, boyeee!” said Ice.

“Word. To my noodles. Yo.”

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Once again it’s been proven to us that the fact that we can’t handle the snow can be attributed to the hills, the misappropriation and ill use of the snow plows (and the roads that are mystically chosen to get plowed) and the fact that there’s this blindness to the fact that if we keep trees away from the power lines, the trees won’t fall on the power lines.

The more major the road, the more likeliness that the snow will be 75-85% removed, but not enough to where we can see the lanes though. Even Fairview Ave., which goes between the Mercer Street exit and Denny Way, was not even goddamn touched.

Better than 2008, but dammit Western Washington, could someone over here talk to Oregon and Eastern Washington and get a memo or a hint or fucking cheat sheet? It’s not that hard, it just all comes down to planning, foresight, and true grit. All of which I’ve never seen much of since I’ve lived here…

And now to politics.

It’s still just a back and forth between the venomous master of disguise, Newt, and his richer than Midas rival the Stormin’ Mormin Mittins. Florida is next, and Santorum has been laying low… low… so low he’s back home in Hell as the Rectal Master of Phallic Torture and Polka Fuhrer. Ron Paul is skipping campaigning in Florida to get a head start on other battleground states where he actually has a chance, them Florida folk apparently don’t done get too much smartness from that Ron Paul feller, he don’t none make the sense! Gawrsh!

From what I can see so far, is that Obama is still the clear winner in all of this. He’s accomplished much of what he set out with. We got out of Iraq, unemployment has gone down, we’re BEGINNING to get back on track – and that’s awesome. The weird thing is that he never really promised any flat fact on anything other than promising that we could do something. You know? “Yes, we can.” Well… I’m just still wondering what it is that we’re supposed to be being can doing.

I do believe that there’s going to be better incentives to have American companies stay in America while hiring American citizens, but I can’t be too sure… I’ve been without sleep for three days. Everything on my face feels like a melted, damp candle. It’s hard to understand that the feeling in my gums is a lie that’s been forced upon me by the imps living in my knee joints – but you know as well as I do that those little fuckers are LIARS.

Weather-wise, we’re on the way back to normal, blustery and wet weather. Which is tolerable.

We’re still stuck, though, with the same terrible politicians and unless the GOP plans on getting into the White House just to get me out of the country, Obama’s got a second term lined up and in his sights.

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Manning, uncle of West Seattle Funblog intern Lothario Manning, was issued his street performers license last Friday and has been causing traffic issues ever since.

“When the light turns red and the ALL WALK sign lights up, that’s when the mayhem begins,” said Kevin Johnson, day clerk at Superb Supplementals. “He walks into the middle of the intersection and hangs 30 seconds of Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, or Katy Perry. The local business women just can’t resist his allure. Right then and there, they shake it.”

Manning is well within his rights to perform. After all, it says “street performances” right there on his license. And he clears the intersection before the lights turn green, thus not violating any city ordinances. Yet the dancing often continues after the music has stopped.

“Once the organ starts grinding, my organs start grinding,” said Olivia Mung, an account executive. “And when my organs start grinding, they grind for at least 45 seconds. There’s nothing I can do about that.”

When asked his thoughts on the traffic situation, Guiseppe, who speaks no English said, “Gradice ballare! Lasci il suo ballo!”

As translated by Lothario, “She issa like to dance. Let her she dance.”

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“The Hygienic FistBump” taught our readers of the relative cleanliness of the knuckles versus the filth of the palm of the hand. Did you listen?

Most of you did, with Hygienic FistBumps referenced as recently as last night at the Feedback Lounge. Others of you did not, as evidenced by the photo above.

Lars Hanssen and Igor Ringenstad have taken another approach. Said Hanssen, “We’re tired of  your mamsy-pamsy fist thingy.  I’m 74 years old goddammit and I just don’t do that. I’m not hip, but I’ve had hip-replacement surgery. I’m not going to punch another man in the hand.”

“You punch me in the hand, Hanssen, and I’ll punch you square in the dick,” chimed in Ringenstad.

“You punch me in the dick, Iggy, and….. oh shaddup! I’m talking to the nice funny blogger boy here.” Hanssen added, “You see, we’re Scandinavian and we love FISH. It’s in our history and our blood. We’re not afraid of these scary viruses and we want to demonstrate that AND pay tribute to our heritage. Hence, The Fishhook.”

Older West Seattleites can now be seen on street corners sticking fingers in each other’s mouths. Younger locals have thus far avoided this new greeting.

“Au contraire,” said Hanssen. “I was at The Shipwreck in Admiral just the other night. Two separate women in their late-forties were sitting at different tables by the wall eyeing several young men in their twenties by the bar. The younger men didn’t pay them much attention, so I guess they decided they’d introduce and entertain themselves. They were putting their fingers in each other mouths alright. And tongues, too! It was quite the show for the young lads, but I had to explain to them that the women were Fishhooking all wrong. But they just laughed and laughed, until we finally agreed to disagree.”

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This is what freedom of speech and freedom of creativity over the internet would be in this dystopian terror future.

Welcome to silence, where everything is monitored, everything is censured, and nobody is given the basic human right to create and mold their ideas freely.

Big Government, you’re a fucking ass hole.

We’re pretty sure he’ll be back next week. That will give the Republicans 7 days to do more stupid shit.

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Our website will remain up and running in support of our Mexican neighbors.

Eat a sopapilla.

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