The West Seattle Center for Conventions and Trade Shows (WSCCTS) is hosting the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Association’s 2010 annual show. This year, the title of the show is “Pride: Own Our Philosophy!”

“This year’s POOP theme is about acknowledgement and acceptance for everyone with IBS,” said Horacio Honeybucket from the Washington Bureau of IBS. “We’re not lepers and our affliction is not contagious. We’re just normal people with active bowels who need to build up our pride just to get by in this cruel, shitty world.”

The Ramada Inn at High Point is honored to host the majority of the group’s members. “It’s truly a blessing to have been chosen as primary lodging for this important event,” said Kevin Johnson, regional manager for Ramada. “We’re making modifications to all of our bathrooms which include extra toilet paper dispensers and plungers in every room. We’re also bringing in West Seattle’s top chefs to design a menu suitable to our guests’ needs.”

This year’s Convention Kickoff dinner will consist of Jalepeño Poppers with Mustard, Barbecued Spare Ribs, Grilled Corn, and an assortment of hard cheeses. Beverage choices will consist of Jolt Cola for the squirts and, for the adults, Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer.

Said Johnson, “It’s a little early in the season for swimming, but we’ve fired up the water works at the West Seattle Ramada. So feel free to drop the kids off at the pool before you head to dinner.”

When asked why West Seattle and the Ramada were chosen for this event, Johnson explained, “We rallied so hard to host this event, we almost blew an O-ring. But in the end, our high altitude location was the deciding factor. Shit rolls downhill, and we sit atop Seattle, right here in High Point.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Funstick Enterprises, the makers of “Cock and Bulls” (an agricultural magazine) and “Blowjob” (a publication geared towards hair stylists), seem to be back to their old tricks again. And some local residents who were privy to a preview of the magazine are less than excited.

“It’s nothing but shock value for shock’s sake,” said Ivan Tül, a bagger at Safeway. “I’m sure this is a wonderful, educational magazine that is very helpful for young parents, but you won’t catch me buying it. Their use of implied smut to spawn readership is disgusting. Now, I’m a fan of the funstick; the actual funstick that is, not this parent company you speak of. This is just cheap sensationalism and has nothing about penis in it. This is false advertising and I’m very disappointed I was suckered.”

But opponents of smutty content aren’t the only ones disappointed in the new magazine. Said Jakislav Kuyper, owner and proprietor of Jak’s Adult Stuff Stores, “We don’t cater to Soccer Moms. This magazine isn’t about penis at all. This magazine is to smut what turkey basters are to making children. Sure, there’s a titty or two in there, but they’re all lactating. This goes beyond fetishism and we won’t carry it. Not at Jak’s.”

When asked about the controversy created by the debut of their latest rag, Funstick Spokes-dick Kevin Johnson said, “It’s all a big misunderstanding. As much as I personally like penis, this magazine is in fact called Parents. Due to the economic downturn, we’ve had to cut back on our staff. The graphics department took the worst hit. This cover was actually designed by one of the mailroom guys, Dick Peters. It still says Parents, it’s just a little obscured. We’ve spoken with Mr. Peters about it and he’s very sorry, though he did see a little humor in it. Downright laughed his ass off, he did.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Can a single, hot-bodied girl or guy not have a drink in peace?

It seems the “meat market” flair of other regions of our fair city have infiltrated West Seattle and are threatening our funmanship.

We are slowly becoming Pioneer Square. Fremont. Capital Hill. Kirkland. Bellevue. And dare I say, Auburnistan? It’s that bad.

“But there’s a fix for that,” says Ingrid Ibsen, 54, of High Point. Ibsen  has opened a new bar that essentially criminalizes shmoozemanship. Ease Off The Ass occupies a space at 35th and Morgan right next to mega-super-duper pharmacy store, Walgreens, and across the street from U-Haul.

Said Ibsen, “I’m a fan of several bars in West Seattle, but it got to the point where all I wanted to do was pick up hot young men. I realized this wasn’t fair to them and decided, as penance, I’d give them a safe place to inebriate.”

Ease Off The Ass’s mantra is simple: If the patrons get peeved, you’re asked to leave.

“You should hear some of the things I used to say to those poor young boys,” explained Ibsen. She then reached into her low-cut blouse and handed this reporter a laminated card which said the following:

• I may not be Wilma, but I can sure make your bedrock.
• Is that a keg in your pants, cuz I’m trying to tap that.
• Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or do you need me to walk by again?.
• Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“As you can clearly see, there was a distinct need for a place like Ease Off The Ass in West Seattle, ” Ibsen said. “We offer a darkwood environment with intimate lighting, fine Corinthian leather, and designer cocktails. We don’t have security per se, but rather Mood Monitors who keep tabs on the small talk and chatter. And they’re good. As little as a raised eyebrow has been cause for eviction.”

“And we have nachos.”

Asked for final comment, Ibsen said, “Don’t try to squeeze an ass at Ease Off The Ass. See that U-Haul sign across the street? Good. Now U-Haul your ass right on outta here!”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

The meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs.

The meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs,the meatballs, so right.

In the meantime the League of Funbloggers, the secret society that controls everything that happens in West Seattle, has begun planning a three point effort aimed at ensuring Funblog’s are never a victim of un-fun terror tactics on their own soil again.  The Funblog feels comfortable posting our plan online since only one guy in Afghanistan actually owns a computer, and he’s just really into World of Warcraft.

1.  Continue practicing unparalleled funmanship in and around West Seattle.  Terrorists hate funmanship, especially because it doesn’t involve strapping bombs to oneself in order to escape living in a crappy society.  Funmanship leads to spending money in the community, which leads to community businesses surviving, which leads to a big middle finger pointed toward terrorists that hate America and a free market economy.  Have you ever heard of the Jalalabad Funblog?  Exactly.

2. Funblog it.  Let’s get honest here, we don’t have thousands of unique visitors to the site every day, in fact we’re lucky to get five.  We provide 100% free advertising to some local businesses that we actually visit on a consistent basis.  We got rid of our forums because we really got tired of the moot topics and silly arguments that were discussed.  The truth is we started the Funblog for fun, to provide ourselves an avenue to voice opinions and attitudes that other blogs in this town chose to censor.  As you can probably guess, terrorists absolutely cannot stand the voice of reason, or funblogs.  Look for mildly funny funblog postings to continue showing up on this page from time to time.  We hope you enjoy them because this blog is for you and for Captain America.

3.  Funblog predator drones.  Not only will we be able to use the Funblog Predator Drone for finding Luigi but we will also be able to survey all of West Seattle for funmanship and showering lesbians, the two true pillars of society.  We might even be able to figure out what that weird “Hum” in West Seattle is all about…..

Luigi Linguini, our fearless leader, was said to have stated that the Funblog was going down for maintenance, an oil change, and perhaps an enema. And while the latter was likely a given due to recent colonoscopies, we here at the Funblog know it was merely a tactical diversion perpetrated by none other than Al-Qaeda. The NSA has verified these suspicions.

Said Kevin Johnson, Spokes-Douche for NSA: “Linguini has in fact been abducted. This has been confirmed by operatives in the field in Wherever-fuck-istan. When we know more, you’ll know slightly less. That’s all I can give you. But we certainly don’t know where he is or what condition he’s in. They could be really fucking him up, but we just don’t know.”

Linguini was said to have been “cavorting with neutrally-aligned associates, to propagate a creamy-filled Funblog center”, but details of with whom he cavorted are few.

Stay tuned to the West Seattle Funblog for further details and please pray for Luigi.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

UPDATE: 02/23/10 ~ 23:38/: Luigi is confirmed to be in Al Qaeda control and is said to be laughing uncontrollably at electrical interrogation due to the fact that it “kinda tickles.” Bless you, Luigi.  We’re coming….

This blog has been running at high RPMs since late May 2009 and is in desperate need of an oil change and tune-up. Also an enema.

The Events and Funmanship page will continue to be updated thanks to a long term outsourcing contact with a distant cousin in Estonia.

We’ll be back in the spring with more funbloggery and chicanery, so stay tuned!

Fumble with it, use it, burn rubber

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, December 07, 2009 (WSFB) – In our continued effort to aid the citizens of West Seattle, we’d like to take a moment to remind you about safe sex.

The West Seattle Funblog is out and about, in the streets with the peeps, and we see your funflirting firsthand. Your mother and I talked about you in bed this morning, and she asked me to have a word.

Please be seated for 10 helpful reminders about Safe Sex.

1. Abstinence is the most effective way of preventing STD’s. Yeah, whatever. That’s why we listed this one first. A handy slogan like “STD’s put the ew in screwing” won’t work with you. Let’s move on.

2. Use a condom. Some of the worst diseases and viruses come from fluid transfer. Crying on shoulders and sharing drinks are prime transfer modes. First, don’t cry. Second, put a condom on your drink! Poke a little hole in and use it like a baby bottle. It’s cute and won’t scare off the suitors, but will discourage others from drinking your delicious Feedback Lounge beverage. Do NOT use this condom later. There’s a hole in it.

3. Avoid having multiple partners. Yes, you like to get down and you like to booooo-gie, typically at the Yen Wor for Karaoke.  But that’s how it happens.  You subscribe to excessive drinkmanship and then you can’t remember who your last partner was. BAM! Multiple partners! We won’t tell you not to drink at the Yen Wor, because that’s what we do. But this is about your diseases, not ours.

4. Wear knee pads. STD’s aren’t the only hazards associated with unsafe sex. Many acts of sexmanship are not of the horizontal persuasion and may take place on hard surfaces. Usually, actually. You might opt for goggles and/or a helmet as well.

5. “AIDing and aBETting = Don’t BET against AIDs”.  You’ll lose. Okay, that’s a little cheesy. So fuck me.

No! Don’t fuck me! That was a total setup and you fell for it! You have GOT to be more careful out there. There’re Pete Seazles everywhere!

6. No Monkey Business. Speaking of which, AIDS is said to have originated with monkeys in Africa. Sure, they’re cute, but you should be very wary about participating in monkey business with them. They don’t dominate the organ grinding industry for nothing.

7. Only sleep with ugly people. You know no one else is hitting that. Set the bar low. Then use that bar to fend them off after your hideous, eye-watering inducing sexual encounter. But where do you meet these people to meat these people?

8. “Meating people the safe way means meeting people at Safeway“. The name “Safeway” provides a sense of security for people who consistently look for safe things. Like safe sex. These people are also less likely to have black-out evenings of random funsticking.

9. Sleep with someone’s Mom. Your Mom is generally loyal to one sex partner, it’s typically not Your Dad, and it’s usually a funblogger. But we trust Your Mom. She doesn’t go cougaring and rarely drinks anything but copious amounts of wine in the kitchen.

10. Utilize back door action. Your Mom’s husband could come home at any minute (thanks for the warning call, by the way). Use the back door, but(t) quick. Hit it and quit it, my friend.

Good luck!

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com (>_<)

As noted on a local website, you’re likely to be held unaccountable in the event you critically injure or kill a cyclist or pedestrian while operating a motor vehicle based on current state law.

The law is written this way because people on bicycles and on foot are a nuisance species and their population must be kept under control through thoughtful and coordinated vehicular manslaughter.

Here are some suggestions for making keeping your motor vehicle free from scratches and dents while you revel in the thrill of the hunt:

Use your bumper. Late model vehicle bumpers are engineered to absorb and withstand shock from objects that come in contact with them, while resisting scratches and dents through special composite materials and polymer-based coatings. Try using the corner of your bumper to propel the cyclist or pedestrian outward and away from your vehicle.

Attach towing mirrors. These are available for most vehicles, from smaller sedans to larger SUVs and trucks, you’re sure to find these handy accessories. Towing mirrors typically extend out and away from the vehicle giving you greater reach for headshots and sideways knockdowns. While most effective on cyclists, a well-placed drive-by on a pedestrian can also result in a successful take. The best part is towing mirrors are reasonably inexpensive and provide a high rate of return.

Hire day laborers. Human ingenuity can’t be beat when it comes to hunting, and nothing beats the physical output of the contemporary day laborer. Armed with push brooms, mops, baseball bats, or tire irons, the day laborer is certain to bring your limit without you so much as lifting a finger – other than to light that cigarette and tip back the cool refreshing Blogweiser beer. Oh yeah, Blogweiser beer – you know you want it in you.

Darrell, Harold, Panama Sam, and Spivey

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, January 1, 2010 (WSFB) – An Alki man has been arrested for child trafficking after offering to trade one of his sons for an office chair.

“Panama” Sam Pritchard was taken into custody by the West Seattle Police Department last Wednesday after posting an ad on Craigslist offering the deal.

“We were tipped by an anonymous person, named Dave Blank, that his neighbor might use Craigslist to offer some sort of a human trade for furniture,” said WSPD Officer Justin Gage.

“Pritchard had approached the anonymous tipster with the offer, but he declined and sarcastically recommended Craigslist as an alternative. Upon reflection, he thought Pritchard might take him literally. So he did the right thing and phoned us right away, at which point we initiated super-secret Operation Charred Chair.”

“OP CC”, as it was known, involved a 23 year-old female police officer posting a Craigslist response, posing as a 35 year-old male police officer, posing as a 23 year-old female office chair owner. Pritchard bit and was arrested at his Alki home, much to the hoo-hah of the children.

Kevin Johnson is Panama Sam Pritchard’s attorney.

“One of the boys set the chair on fire, just for kicks,” said Johnson. “Boys will be boys and we all like boys. It’s understandable. Darrell, Harold, and Spivey unified and would not divulge who actually did it. Apparently there’s dirt and none of them are innocent. None of them have money either. The boys offered their dad this option in lieu of the usual corporal punishment. This trade is completely voluntary, thus legal.”

Said Craigslist attorney Kelvin Johnston, “We strongly feel that nothing illegal was done. Look at those boys and look at the chair. Look at the chair beyond the singed parts. Even new it’s still a piece of shit. Any one of those boys for an unmarred chair is a fair trade. They picked Spivey. Everybody wins. This case is open and closed.”

“Shut”, said I. “Open and shut.”

“Open and shut, whatever. Close the fuck up,” said Johnston.

For the record, it was young Spivey who torched the chair. Spivey is now with Child Protective Services while his brothers, Darrell and Harold, are on Alki Beach building an Ikea bonfire. Panama Sam remains incarcerated.