WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 25, 2010 (WSFB) – “Its too close,” says Luigi Linguini of the West Seattle Funblog. “I mean if  you look at the address bar, only one character is different… Obviously, I am a little concerned over what’s going on here.” Linguini’s comments are in reference to emerging news of a new startup: WestseattleFUblog.com, which is being started by a former WSFB contributor who wishes to remain anonymous until this issue is resolved.

“I considered ‘WestSeattlePhónblog.com’, but did not want to be limited to soup,” says the contributor. “I have always been a big proponent of ‘FU’. Ask anyone. They should really get over it. So what if only one character separates our domain names? FU Blogging and Fun Blogging are different things altogether. ”

Indeed, all neighborhoods in our fair city have their own unique ways of issuing an FU, but we feel that WSFB had cornered the market on the Westside style of FU. Whether intentional or not, our posts have been interpreted as ”a big FU“ by enough people that we had established a position as the widely acknowledged purveyors of WSFU here at WSFB. Between the local non-fun blog and this emerging FU blog, we here at WSFB are beginning to feel a bit crowded.

In this reporter’s opinion, it does appear that the new startup is all about issuing FUs, starting with WSFB. It is our position that there should be plenty of FU in FUNBLOGGING to begin with. It is puzzling why someone would feel the need to depart from the WSFB in order to issue an FU.

“If anyone feels that the West Seattle Funblog does not meet their needs in the “FU” department,” asserts Linguini, “I would like to assure all of you that we here at the West Seattle Funblog are recommitting ourselves to putting the FU in FUN!”

We attempted to contact the local non-fun blog, but they could not be reached for comment.

The question we can’t seem to escape here remains, “Is West Seattle big enough for all this FU?”

West Seattle Psychiatric Ward intern Kevin Johnson violated state medical edicts last week when he posted on his personal blog, “Bitches is crazy to start with. And wine makes ‘em crazier! That’s medical science, yo.”

“Men tend to just have a few beers and say stupid shit,” said Johnson a week later. “I’m an excellent example of that and its a known factor in the equation. But women… well, they have a glass of Pinot Noir or a HoneyBush at the Feedback and it’s fucking game on.”

“Men can’t seem to do anything right and there’s NO room for discussion,” finished Johnson. “A liquored man versus a liquored woman is going to be wrong all of the time. The less fair sex needs to understand this and deal with it.”

West Seattle socialite Dah-veed Blanco told us, “Yep, that’s fact right there. But you can work that sweet action.”

“Lookit, the drunker I get, and the drunker they get, the less they seem to care about what comes out of my mouth,” quipped Blanco. “At that point, it’s all about inebriated interpersonal relationships and tight pants.

Yeah, baby. It’s all good.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

“We’ve heard reports that the family that adopted that section of Beach Drive have in fact been neglecting and abusing the road on a regular basis,” Urban Transportation Secretary Jimmy James told the West Seattle Funblog.  “Unfortunately we see situations like this all the time, and typically the road goes back into a foster pool and is hopefully adopted by a better couple.”

Officials said that this particular instance of adoption abuse of a road was difficult due to “multiple reports of physical abuse” by the Norgaard’s, which was described as “really weird.”  An anonymous source  even went so far as to claim that both husband and wife recently sought treatment for “severe road rash” which is typically caused by having unprotected sex with pavement.

Neglecting an adopted road is a tragic, yet real occurrence around West Seattle.  The only real way to ensure adopted roads are cared and maintained for is by reading the mother fucking West Seattle Funblog.

Shortly after West Seattle residents had rejected the idea of being annexed into Seattle in the early 20th century and then, when in mid-century wanted to secede, city planners came up with a way to get back at them – design land use rules and transportation projects to inhibit the quality of life in West Seattle.

We don’t have to go back very far to see some of the projects the city council enacted, such as the disabling of the former draw bridge over the Duwamishwaterway and Harbor Island in the late ‘70’s (though to their chagrin, a new bridge was built). Recently, to keep with a timeline set forth at the time the Spokane St viaduct was built (including 90 degree off-ramps and exits to travel only one direction), land use officials encouraged small houses along Alki Ave SW to be replaced by large condominiums, parking in the Alaska Junction area to be replaced by condominiums, and residential homes in the historic Admiral District to be replaced by condominiums. Not to be outdone, town home builders lobbied for, and received permits to fill existing backyards with multi-story houses on 12’x12’ footprints (reports are that the lobbyists used promises of packs of bubble gum and 2-for-1 coupons at the local Blockbuster to sweeten the deal).

Other, more successful projects have taken off recently, such as evicting long-time West Seattle business Hancock Fabrics in favor of a giant hole 3 stories deep at one of the most prominent intersections of the area, narrowing Fauntleroy Ave SW to one lane in either direction (especially handy for ferry traffic), and removing all on-ramps to the Spokane St. viaduct during it’s timely retrofit.

The latest, though, and the one that has the city buzzing is the impending removal of the now defunct South Park Bridge without any plan to rebuild it – leaving only two bridges across the Duwamish Waterway. A source close to the action has reported plans are also underway to find the 1st South Bridge unstable and close it permanently, leaving only the high-rise bridge left. Of course, that may have to wait until the biggest addition to the aggressive “So you don’t want to be a part of Seattle?! Well, we’ll show you!” plan is enacted. That, of course is the removal of the Alaskan Way Viaduct – the “ace in the hole” for the city council and the Mayor. “Once the link to highway 99 is removed, it should be smooth sailing to finish of West Seattle once and for all”, states a source that has asked to remain anonymous. “Now that people are stuck in mortgages and can’t afford to move, the Jeanette Memorial Bridge is all that stands in our way to completely alienate West Seattle”. Another member of the secret committee added, “You want to be sustainable, huh? Well, let’s see it now!”

Admittedly, most West Seattle residents are busy walking their dogs after yoga class and sneering at cars from their bicycles to even appreciate all that the city has done for them, but in time it should be apparent.

There's always time for a Phó-Cup!™

No time for a bowl of delicious Phó?

Well there’s always time for Phó-Cups!™

Local businessman Ng Nguyen has taken the family business to a whole new level, while providing a hungry public a convenient way to enjoy Phó on the go!

The big question being asked about Nguyen:

Is this Phó King amazing or what??!!

“Phó-Cups!™ have been a big part of my plan since I was a kid,” says Nguyen. “I am so happy to be making such a big splash with my Phó-Cups!™ I would really like to encourage others to embrace and even pursue their own Phó-Cups!™”

Look for Phó-Cups!™ in your local grocer’s dry goods…

NOW Re-sealable…

For those who can’t seem to shut the Phó-Cup!™

This feel-good story should inspire you that you are capable of your own Phó-Cups!™

If twue, Fudd’s wequest could be gwanted. The outdoorsman’s claim is faw-weaching, and impwicates Fowl, Water fowl, rabbits, canines, swine, extwatewwestwials, and thewe is even wumor of a high wanking “wodent” with the initials of “MM”…

If the disgwaced fowmer Warner Bwothers alum has his way he will be entering Witness wewocation instead of pwison.

“Neah… I can’t believe he’d trow us all under da bus like dat, Doc,” says one long-time cohort of Fudd’s.

“Now, Boy: I say Boy… that is NOOOO way to behave toward your family, son,” expressed one F. Leghorn.

“I am not easily convinced that Mr. Fudd is twuwy contwite, and not just acting out of self-pweservation instinct.” Says judge High. “He may not have much, but he has evewything to lose, and that’s when people get despawate.”

One thing is certain, as the indictments are handed down, Saturday Morning’s cartoon line-up may be impacted in a manner not seen since the Kroft Brothers’ Saturday morning powerhouse was shut down.

Mowe on this twuwy wemawkabwe stowy as it devewops.

Jillian BaBar of Admiral is unorthodox.

“The armpit is where most of the body’s high temperature lives, hence all of the perspiration,” said BaBar. “The body sweats to cool itself and that glorious coolant is just slipping away, creating stains on your shirts.”

The Solution? Mass quantities of armpit hair.

BaBar is at the forefront of a movement on the West Side that seeks to chill as well as redefine sexy. She not only doesn’t shave her pits, she brushes them and occasionally adds braids and beads.

“This is the most effective manner to stay as cool as I am,” said BaBar, as she long-stroked her sub-clavicle mane. “In hot weather, you have to wrap yourself in absorbents, to lock all that glorious coolant in. But you don’t have to look like Sasquatch about it. You can accentuate the pittal region and make it hot.”

When wryly informed that making her armpits “hot” would defeat the purpose of her coolant theory, Babar stated, “Oh, this is that fucking satire thing again, isn’t it? You’re just crackin’ wise, right?”

Blank stare.

“It’s really not as gross as it looks, Seazle. I’ve seen your back, you know….”

Pete’s back is officially cool and aroused and anticipating a back-hair manicure….

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

TACOMA, Washington, Juwy 29, 2010 (WSFB) – Famed outdoorsman, avid huntah, and tewevision personawity Elmer Fudd was awwested Tuesday afternoon in his Piewce County mob0w estate.

A local phawmacist suspected iwwicit behaviow with the gwowing fwequency of Fudd’s Sudafed purchases and awerted the authowities to a possible mefwab opewation.

Fudd, a 68 year old former Saturday morning cartoon staple, incweasingly aware of his decwining wevenue and woyalty stweam was seeking altewnative methods of genewating income in today’s volatiwle economy and discovewed the profitabiwity and ease manufacture of street gwade mefamphetamine.

Enthused by the ease with which he could manufacture his pwoduct, Fudd setup shop in a shed behind his Piewce Country mobow estate.

Local residents were alawmed by the all day and all night goings on at the Fudd wesidence. Acting on an anonymous tip, the Piewce County Shewiff began a surveiwance opewation two weeks ago which culminated in an early Tuesday morning standoff when Piewce County Deputies attempted to serve a search warrant. Fudd bawwicaded himself in his shed and began shouting “WEMEMBAH WACO!” over a buwlhorn while discharging wounds from his 12-gauge Wemington shotgun. After six hours Deputies stormed the mobiwle estate and awwested Fudd.

“I’m outraged by the inthufferable, inthenthitive, scathing, and incomprehenthible behavior we have experienthed!” slathered Fudd’s wife partner, an Anatidae who wishes to wemain anonymous. “He uthed to be thuch a thweet fellow.”

Fudd is scheduled to be awwaigned next Wednesday at the Piewce County courthouse.