- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

If you catch on fire this week, avoid looking in the mirror. I would imagine that would throw you into a panic. Elvis was Cappy, and apparently a hunk, a hunk of burning love.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You thrive on love and devotion, and grow sulky when you’re not the center of attention. The best way to keep an Aquarian happy is to walk around with a flag that says “You’re #1”, or “I’m so damn lucky to be with you!” That should do it.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You’re as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market. A very clear vision comes to you this week, and it’s sure to put a smile on your face. A new direction for you is on the horizon. Don’t forget your flask.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Never go to bed angry, always stay up and argue. However, make sure that you keep your ears covered, I heard that Van Gogh shares your sign, and we all know what lengths he went to in the name of love.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Taurean tidbit. Elves are born under the Taurus sign, due to the very short mating season at the end of July. That explains why the average height for a Taurus is 4’3”. Your great sense of humor works as an enabler against your height deficiency, and you’re a lousy dancer.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Geminis are clever, you’re the kind that can count the loose change inside your pocket without taking your hand or the money out. You’ve also mastered your own cop-a-feel. Niiiice!

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Even though you’re the sign of the crabs, it’s ironic that your sign is less likely to contract VD, as a matter of fact, Cancers are the healthiest of all the signs. Your phone should start ringing now…..you’re welcome.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

When your lover starts wearing more clothes to bed than to work, you’ve got a problem. This week will bring new bizarre occurrences. You find out that you can catch love in a jar, and spread it like a disease. Go ahead, slurp the face off of an unsuspecting Gemini.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’re so prim and proper that you don’t even appreciate a good fart joke on occasion. What’s funny is that when you pass wind, you have a tendency to blame it on the nearest Aries. Make a note that they’re on to you, and beware of flying pies.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Everyone talks about the weather, but no one wants to do anything about it. The rain gets to you this week, and so I suggest playing with monkeys. Put bananas in hidden places!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom. Remember, love is a thousand miles long, but comes in 9” installments. Get after it!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Time to panic. You hear gossip about your love life whilst sitting on the toilet this week. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy part, and there’s nothing rosy about it.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Cappies generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up, which is why you’re left off the astrological cocktail party list. You’re either totally on or totally off. Watch your obnoxiousness, and I’ll get you into a killer party soon.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You love to get sizzled, but you’re more fascinated with other drunk people, and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers, finding charm in everyone! You make the best designated drivers.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

High possibilities of loopy groping lie within the Piscean. Sagittarians make brilliant booty calls, and are fun…see above. You do it rock-star like, and can flirt with many groupies at the same time, making everyone feel sexy. It’s yours for the taking!

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

You people like to party, and sometimes don’t know when to stop, making you prone to closing-time shot contests. No need to worry, even though you’re a sloppy, fun drunk, all will be forgiven before sunrise.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

You prefer to drink at leisurely pace aiming for a mellow glow, rather than a full-on zonk. Your preference for wining and dining, over body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Amazingly enough, you Gemini’s can drink without changing your behavior much. You’re naturally chatty and your short-attention span, makes it hard to tell sometimes, unless you’re really drunk and start puking in everyone’s shoes. A good way to lose a few friends.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Crabs must guard their lushery. You’re a comfort drinker, an extra wine with dinner, a few beers after work. You never really get drunk; instead you become weepy and lubricated. Swap some stories over a bottle of wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second favorite Cancer will do.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Leo’s love to drink and dance! You’re usually fabulous dancers and pretty damn good drinkers as well. Let it loose and drink yourself into a low level of intelligence this week!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your famously fussy quest for purity leads you to drinking less than other signs. When you do, it leads you to drinking booze neat, and sucking down that organic wine. When shell-shacked, you’re dead sexy Virgo.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’re jusht a social drinker, slurs the Libra. “It’s jusht that I’m sho damn social.” Charming as you are, you lack self control, wearing your wobbly boots waaay too early in the evening, flirting with your best friends beau, or even blacking out the evening…oops!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Boy, I love a good Scorpio. With your addictive personality and the right Aquarian, a pitcher of margaritas could keep you in the bedroom for days. Lose yourself in dreamland this week.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You have a case of booze blurtiness, and when buttered up, have the tendency to spill secrets, many being your own. Tactlessness aside, you’re just plain fuuuuun to drink with. Maybe that’s why Anna Nicole Smith was a Sag.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’re having delusions of adequacy, and you’re simply a shiver looking for a spine to crawl up. Try to open your mind without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. I’ll say something nice next week Cappy, I promise.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

This week is a circus, and you feel like the 15^th clown stuffed into the Volkswagon. I say pick up that whip, because you’re more suited to be the leather clad ringmaster. Get out there and make them dance!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Having trouble taking the heat in the kitchen? I’m not worried about you, you’re a tough cookie, so hang in there. You’re not going to crumble because of a few nuts in the recipe.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

You’re one smooth pimp daddy. You’ve slipped into your dance shoes and are dancing around a touchy subject this week, but your friends are not falling for your big finish. They’ll wash their jazz hands of you, unless you come clean and face the music.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Your dreams don’t have an expiration date, like cottage cheese and lunchmeat, so why are you throwing them into the recycle bin? Dust them off and see if they still shine. You may find that you’ve been storing your greatest achievements next to the brown lettuce this whole time.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You haven’t been asking for the moon, just your own little chuck of green cheese. Your pleas have been heard, and the universe is sending a few well deserved blobs of Brie into your orbit!  Watch the skies with your eyes, and with your wallet wide open.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You finally have a dollar in your pocket, but the ice cream truck keeps speeding by. Time to think outside the frosty box. A few nails might slow down those tasty treats. Suggest something other than “Pop Goes the Weasel”. Hell, Led Zepplin would sell a few fudgecicles.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Not every question can be answered with a boot to the head, some require a whiffle ball to the groin. Step up to the plate and get your helping of cosmic knowledge. I suggest playing with a Virgo this week.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’ve pinched so many pennies, that Abraham Lincoln is afraid to wear tight jeans. Set aside some coin for a good cause, but let’s enjoy some of it this week too! Gimme a call, I’m happy to help out!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

There’s a tough fix for you this week, but thank goodness you have a good wrench in your hand. Tighten your lugs, but don’t try to bolt, because someone else has your nuts at the moment. A tactic of an angry Leo.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

That sexy, hot body of yours may be a weapon of mass seduction, but your mind missile remains stuck in the silo. Keep upgrading your moves, you probably wouldn’t want that smart bombshell to take advantage of you. Or would you?

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Time to de-geek this week, and get updated. Your jack is plugged into a peapod, not your iPod, and you need some serious help. Find some new friends to help you get tuned in, and you’ll be twittering….. twitting…. tweeting in no time.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You revel in romantic fantasies this week, enjoying your courtships. Add some flare to things and ask Lawrence Welk if you can borrow his bubble machine. Keep your eyes open for lovely Leos and spicy Pisceans this week.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

The very special Aquarian is ruled by both Uranus and Saturn, leaving you with a great combination of energy and sexual lust. As a well balanced sign, you have the wisdom to not let these traits take over. Please pass the sausage.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Time to change your hearing aid batteries and FYI, “There’s a bad moon on the rise”, not “There’s a bathroom on the right”, you old crab. Yes, really, and I have no idea why everyone sounds like Bob Dylan.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

This week I’d like you to come home from any destination (including the trip to the mailbox) at least once without heading straight to the bathroom. You might want to get that looked at.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Let it be known, the Bull will not be rushed. Stubborn Taureans refuse help from anyone mumbling about offering assistance. It’s your hearing aid, and no one is allowed to touch it!!!!

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Look out, someone is planning to rock your boat. Your power and fury are a force to be reckoned with however. No worries, your resolutions will be anything BUT going on a diet. You will remain slim amongst the calorie laden treats!

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Your nocturnal abilities seem to keep you up more than you should be. Are you worried that you’re going to miss something? You’re turning into a big crab, which totally makes more sense than my horoscopes.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Although you could care less about chocolate, you do appreciate someone to share it with… see Libra. With a reputation of being an aphrodisiac, who needs green? It’s all about brown…  chocolate brown.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

As the Goddess of the Harvest, you shall reap a bountiful crop this week. Mickey Mouse shares your sign, so I suggest an expensive bottle of wine, and cheese, lots of cheese!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You can’t cook, but will eat anything and everything. You are in your glory, Libra, and this week is full of leftovers! Beware of fuzzy meat, if you’re not hip on that sorta thing.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Ruled by Pluto, the path to the bedroom is laced with good food and good wine. You’re a volcano just under the surface, ready to burst into eruption at any moment. Is it getting hot in here or is it just Patty and her lava lane?

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

A bit moody now that celebrations are winding down, the lazy bull comes out. Use the downtime to contemplate resolutions. Make the first resolution to not make more resolutions than you can feasibly accomplish, which you just automatically failed to do.

Got a problem with your horoscope? Don’t bitch at Patty directly.  Bitch at her through Pete@westseattlefunblog.com!

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

I’m glad to see that you’ve slowed down and have made time to smell the roses. Take it easy and don’t let strangers touch you, unless it feels good.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Time to focus on the New Year and buckle down. Good things come to those that go for buckles. Bam, no pants!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Every good gardener knows that if not everything comes up roses, you should never squat in the bushes. I suggest keeping your pants on this week, or you could easily wind up with a pierced tuckus.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

I’m not sure why you keep having the same dream of beautiful naked women throwing pickles at you, but if you think the grass is greener over there, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Focus on variety this week. Even though you have a hard time reaching those new goals, a new bakery opens up in your neighborhood, that’s bound to make you forget those goals altogether. Give the chocolate lobster tail a try.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Next time you’re outside, check around the house and in the bushes, because your bullshit filter fell out again. After you find it, your family will agree to let you back in the house. The way some people place blame, you’d think there was a damn reward or something.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Well Crabs, this season has you being underpaid and underappreciated, but that’s all changing! Curb your insecurities, and take charge.Project Runway is looking for your number. That eyebrow needs a-waxin’.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

The universe will find a way to make it’s point this week. You’re grabbing the future by the Magic 8-ball, and you’re not taking any “Try Again” crap either. Shake it, but don’t break it.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You think you’re all that and a bag of chips? Someone would have to throw in a Cosmopolitan and a cheesecake to even come close. Go ahead and bask in your deliciousness, because you won’t be flavor of the month for very long.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’ve been meowing at the backdoor for far too long. Rip open that screen and let her roar like the king of the jungle that you are. You just might get some fresh kitty litter and a good scratch right where you need it.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You may have the mileage of a Ford Pinto, but you certainly have the moves of a fire-engine red Ferrari. Keep your rubber on the road and you could get your chassis waxed by an adoring fan.

Sagittarius: (Nov  22-Dec 21)

Quit telling people it’s your way or the highway Sag, everyone is tired of your yellow brick road. It’s time for you to get the point or it’s going to be the shaft.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’re swinging through this week like a big brass band, so don’t worry about how many zoots it took to make that suit.  Relax, and enjoy some  time for yourself.  At least you’re not re-living those love beads days.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Are you hot to trot this week, but having trouble getting your honey out of the barn?  Strap on those chaps and spurs, and you’ll get the attention that you need.  Yeehaw!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Hang in there Houdini, planning your escape takes time.  You’ll be able to drop those chains soon and wow your audience.  Ta-fucking-da!

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Feeling stylish and sleek?  Think again.  Your better half is thinking cash-for-clunkers. Get detailed and tuned up, then rev that engine up and roar back into your sweeties garage.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Your life seems to compare to a very bad Chinese algebra problem.  Something just isn’t adding up.  If you can’t figure it out by working the problem, pretend to make up a new kind of math.  Dig deep in the trash for those treasures.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You don’t have to be the fastest turtle in the race.  You just need to be quick enough to avoid having that commemorative portrait of Michael Jackson painted on your shell.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You’re feeling hotter than a homemade tamale, waiting for someone to come along and peel back your husk and take a biggo bite.  Before you head out, grab some of those antacids, because you may be spicier than anyone can handle.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

You’re even tempered, but oddly shaped.  It’s hard to find pants that fit, but don’t get discouraged Leo, you could have worse problems. Cherish those knobby knees and Dumbo ears.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

The moon is moving through your astral house this week, which is strange because it usually doesn’t make lunar house calls.  Perhaps that Publisher’s Clearing House. Check is finally on the way, or maybe  you just left the damn curtains open.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Try to look on the bright side of life; if you get your tighty whiteys in a twist, you could end up with a cosmic wedgy large enough to warp your mind and squeeze your fruit.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You’ve been the star of the show lately, and now you’re ready to relax and enjoy some much needed time off.  Before you slip into your sweats and grab that remote, step out and take one more bow.  You’ve earned it.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

This week a lucky break makes you happier than a hamster with a new wheel and a water bottle full of rum.  I would advise that you take it easy on the drinking and spinning.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Is the moon rising in your house, or are you just happy to see me? This week your destiny wears the bicycle helmet of a 9 year-old. I suggest getting your Google freak on, reality is way overrated this week.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Jan Feb 18)

You love water, which is great because water loves you! The Heavens recommend 8 glasses a day, but you and I both know that you’ll pee 16. Your call. Your lucky people are musicians.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

If you see a fat man, who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a funny red suit, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, let’s face it, your eggnog’s too strong.

Aries: (Mar 21-Apr 19)

A tender romantic encounter is out of the question this week. Plan to share your deepest emotions with a Red Baron Pizza. Eschew your food.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you little bull, do you need a hug? Your bluebird of happiness runs off with a fast talking parakeet this week. You’re going to have to make your own sunshine for a while. Or simply get even.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Pluto enters your sign, and I see a new love developing. Dark and dynamic, with eyes like chocolate, you’ll be swept off your feet. Instead of chilling out, you will no doubt be chilling in.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Most welfare recipients are Cancers. Will you ever make anything of yourself? Treat yourself to some extra strength Tylenol at dusk. You’re on the darkside of the stars.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Do you really think those balls of fire that are millions of light years away, and completely beyond our reach, actually affect daily occurrences in our lives? It’s either a damn coincidence, or it’s completely irrelevant. Get a grip.

Virgo: (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You think you have all the solutions, but when the hero blows up a giant squid in a bad movie, it rains calamari for days. Get some tartar sauce and consider it win/win.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Forget the white knight on his proud horse, you’d settle for an old graying hippie with a high limit credit card. Drop the damsel-in-distress and just stay groovy baby.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Opportunity is knocking at your door this week, aren’t you going to answer it? It’s one of those pesky bill collectors, I bet.  Where’s the opportunity in that, you ask? She’s hot you fool, answer the damn door.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You mean well, but your gestures are about as welcome as a punk rocker at a polka party. Instead, ask yourself “What would Paris do?” Get out there and slam dance to those accordion tunes.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Why is it that you love to be seen talking on your cellphone? First off, you have to turn it on, secondly, you don’t have any friends to call, goatboy. Capricorns went out of style back in the 80’s.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

When people are talking to you, you tend to zone out, leaving the conversation hopeless. Are you having an out of body experience, and talking to the guy 5 feet away? Try to focus more, and stop channeling strangers.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You will achieve historical greatness, by sheer fluke this week. Michelangelo, George Washington and Albert Einstein were all Piscean. But then again, so was Ted Kennedy, and the Geo Metro.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Keep your ego in the closet this week, you’re on the verge of becoming a pain in the ass Virgo. Your lengthy Christmas list will not do. Tell your family  that you want a sweater……or a screamer….or a  moaner.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

You’re up one minute and down the next. It probably stems from being beaten out the first spot in the zodiac, by Aries. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is wrong. Stop psychoanalyzing everything.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You’re always on the move, headed to your next delusional grandeur. Everywhere you go, there’s comedy and laughter, which would be great if you were trying to be funny. You’re capable of being very unhip.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You’re trying to grab attention any way you can this week. Please put self-immolation out of your mind, and make sure your morning breath doesn’t make it to the afternoon.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

You’ll be appointed to take all of your drooling, drunken friends home this week, and these friends are usually Pisceans. They’re dragging you down, and you’re lucky that Hell lets Leos bring beer.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Stop trying to regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. Instead of seeing things black and white, you only see them as clean or dirty. Have you ever been busted belching? No, I didn’t think so.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Everyone loves a Libra, because everyone loves a schizophrenic. Libra is Latin for “ I’m okay, I’m  okay.” You tend to take a lot of medications, although some are not always legal. Hollywood is full of Libras.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your strong sex drive is even stronger this week, which gives you another reason to smoke.When the itch of writing overcomes one, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You love to be naked, and most would prefer it if you were naked and crocked. 97% of all the Mad Dog has been consumed by Sagittarians. Stop confusing your ulcers with all that Pepto-Bismol this week.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

This is your week to celebrate, whether it be a new love interest or perhaps a job promotion.  Throw a party! One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

A 5-star hotel doesn’t compare to all those stars in the sky. Take time to notice them this week, and let them put a twinkle in your toes.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

There’s electricity in the air and you’re likely to be the recipient of more than one admiring glance. Suck that shit up! And change the sheets.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Danger, violence, excitement, nudity and sex are words that are used in movie advertisements, but rarely happen in your life. An old nutty cat lady with a crystal ball has more fun than you.  Get out there and shake it up!

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Whilst this horoscope may not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile to mention that you’ll have a great week if you’re name is Margaret. Or Maggie. Or Marge…. Or Mildred. Or Max. Or Marvin. You’re right, the stars are not all that clear.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Your much treasured intelligence gets a boost today, with a rush of insightful energy. Try probing areas of knowledge unknown to you such as stability, humility and sanity.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

The horrors of the baked bean legend may trouble you as last nights dinner  tries to catch up with last weeks. Unfortunately you’ll be crossed off many gift lists at the most inopportune time.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

An important job interview? Can’t find your clothes? They’re laying crumpled next to last night’s conquest’s bed. Your underwear and socks are nowhere to be found. But good luck!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’re feeling investigative this week, and may find yourself snooping around other peoples private belongings. They’ll find “yourself” too. Busted. You’re so pathetic.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Vegetables make you think naughty thoughts this week, so bear that in mind when visiting the market, it could leave you red-faced like a beetroot. Are you thinking about a beetroot? Cut it out.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

The best things in life are free, including back massages and sex. This is a good week for you Scorpio. You’re insane in the membrane.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Don’t worry, that cigarette burn on your arm will fade over the next few days, and be replaced by a tattoo of a young lady wearing nothing but roses.

Please direct any emails to Pete@westseattlefunblog.com.  He’ll be sure Patty gets them (the ones that don’t get censored, that is).

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Fortunately life insurance policies don’t exclude death benefits for those who die of venereal diseases, as a significant high percentage do.  Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You can turn the world on with your smile. Accept love and chocolate graciously.  Have you been bowling lately?

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Your  temper has and will get you a well deserved punch in the mouth.  People are tired of you sponging off everyone and you’re an expert dodger of restaurant checks.  A Pisces and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

You are inclined to carelessness, and impracticality,  making the same mistakes over and over again.  Kick you know who to the curb, their mind is in the gutter anyway.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Your demands are ridiculous, face it.  All of your fast-food orders will be wrong and you will no doubt starve. You’re only a bull on the outside.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Nobody needs to know the crappola you know.  Geminis are and should be beaten regularly.  The quickest way to stop organized crime is to export all of you.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Some Cancers use nude sculptures for masturbation, often finding contusions and abrasions on the genitalia.  Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Your sense of humor runs to bathroom jokes and your favorite limerick is “The young fellow named Dave, who kept a dead whore in a cave.”  Nice.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Cuckoo clock.  You’re on task by the hour on the hour.  Organization makes your heart flutter.  Note to self:  Change batteries in pacemaker.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Your whirled-class energy, dynamic spirit and bisexuality are what makes you so popular.  Your animated personality is a bit much, however.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will be out charmed by Aquarians this week, and you can’t understand it. Many exhibitionist are born under this sign, make it a stimulating week!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Time to clean out the trunk, I found Jesus.  He came back from Tijuana with you last week.  For my next magic trick, I’ll need a condom and a volunteer.