- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

There will be a confrontation with your least favorite neighbor. After using the tried and trued methods of expulsion,only then do you contemplate explosives.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarians have one rule, if it feels good, do it. If your bum hurts, you’re doing it wrong.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You speak very loudly this week in order to be heard, which is unfortunate since you consistently talk to yourself. Stop picking those animated arguments in the bathtub, and stop picking your nose from both sides, we realize that your ambidextrous

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Take those ram horns out of everyones asses. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole,and refuses to star in your phychodrama.  And a hard on doesn’t count as personal growth.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Your thighs look a little flabby this week, thank goodness  your stomach covers them.  That health club that you joined recently hasn’t helped, apparently you need to show up. Party off those pounds!

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Today is a fish Gemini, throw it back. Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.Consider taking Latin dancing or salsa making classes.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You’re a crab, all there is to it. Piss, bitch and moan, perpetual PMS.  When the moon is full, you become a raving lunatic, giving everyone around you relief from your insufferable whining. You  might try smoking your lunch and drinking your dinner.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Strut your stuff this week Leo, and take lessons from the cat.  “Look at my hair, don’t I look good, pet me, look at my hair, adore me, now go away.”  Yes, Mr. Shiny, you’re ruled by the sun.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Everything has it’s place Virgo, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, and a toothbrush looking for germs. Your perfectionist tendencies get in the way of your usual clear thinking. When you accidentally ram your bosses car in the parking lot, let them all know that the bastard had a fillthy car!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’ll have a flood of repressed childhood memories, which include cold beanie weenies and the old woman next door with 47 cats.  Consult your therapist or TV guide for help. And yes, that is a gray hair, but no need to freak Libra, there’s more where that came from.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You’re a magnate in your field, however you’ll unfortunately come in 6th place at something this week.. The only thing on your mind is being in an elevator with a naked Aquarian going up. A good time to reflect in the mirror behind you.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Someone needs to talk you down off that ledge Sagittarius. It is as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you. You will have some moments of joy and undoubtedly feel like giving your favorite teddy bear a hysterectomy. You’re nothing more than a paranoid Gemini.

Your Horoscope

By Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

A day that we celebrate death and dismemberment! You love the queasy movies this time of year, and were first in line when “Saw VI” came out. It is now a jigsaw franchise, thanks to fans like yourself. The last scary movie that I saw was “The Birds”, and it totally freaked me out.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You always worry about your ghoulish figure and stay far away from the candies if you can. The problem is that you can’t. The next three months of yummy goodness will drive you crazy, and ultimately put ten good pounds on you. Go with it. Enjoy it and embrace it. EAT IT.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

It’s time to be sexy and get hot, hot,  hot!  You love to tempt people into evil, even if it’s just for one night.  Your signature candy is anything spiked with booze, and you’re all about the party!  It’s obvious that you don’t care what you wear, since you consistently rotate the Lone Ranger and Scooby Doo. Woo!

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

It’s sad to see you sitting around watching yet another annual rerun of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” You hate dressing up and you don’t like candy, so Halloween was never a treat for you. Keep avoiding that doorbell and go back to bed, you know how it ends.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Come on now, did you really research the top ten worst trick-or-treat handouts? Inappropriate literature, dog bones, toothpaste and frozen chicken wings should score you a lot of points with the neighbors. Obviously you don’t have any children.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Your Sun sign is a fashionista at Halloween! You start scoping out costumes in March for your annual Halloween party. You were busted with a Bloody Mary costume on chanting in the mirror. Bloody Mary 13 times, does not summon a vengeful ghost. Really?

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You love everything about Halloween, the candy, the costumes, the candy, the trick-or-treaters, the candy and the parties. You’re the one that trades all the little treaters when they come. To complete your candy collection, you’re scouting retro stuff like Fundips, Dots and those wretched Mike and Ikes. It should be an easy trade, very clever.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

It’s a month of fright and flirtations for you tiger. Wear that lucky frog princess pendant, and meet some eligible cuties. Remember, some frogs have a prince hiding inside and some on the other hand carry amphibious deadly pathogens.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

We love Virgos during the holidays. They love to cook and their kitchens always smell inviting, and never better than Halloween with all it’s spices. Show us your saucy side, whip us up some Boo-ritoes, with a splash of bat guanum. YUM!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’re a very sensible Halloweener, inspecting all the treats, and explaining the meaning of Halloween, and it’s traditions, including the Mexican “Day of the Dead”. You’re known to take the kids to the local mall to do their treating where it’s warm and safe. BOO hoo.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, you own this holiday! You don’t scare easy, but you easily scare others, and your power gives you an advantage. Too bad you don’t use it to be the scariest or the meanest villian. You go for the funniest, every time. At any cost.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Candy is dandy, unless it’s candy corn, the most polarizing of them all. The fruitcake of Halloween that never goes away. You pass it out every year and buy more than enough so you can OD on the mutant orange goop yourself. Get a grip. How about trying those hard strawberry candies that have the red burst of goop in the middle.

Patty Seazle happens to be holding a 4×4 that matches the huge red spot on your face.

Your Horoscope

By Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’re waiting for the day that you can astound your friends with your cleverness. Don’t expect that day to come anytime soon. Romance, however, is in your future as long as you can afford the fee.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aren’t you glad that decided to get knocked up in your senior year instead of going to college? Instead of that nice house, car and decent lifestyle, you have an abusive, pot-bellied drunk. The fact that he has all those tattoos and rides a motorcycle more than makes up for the fact that you live in a trailer with 4 kids.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Your rich and crazy grandpa has you in his will and has become very demanding. He wants you to visit more, which includes bathing him while he plays with his “old soldier”. Isn’t it about time he had an accident?

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

This week all hell breaks loose when those pictures you thought you erased off your computer of you having sex with Loretta “Pork Chop” Borstad are hit by a computer virus and sent to all your email addresses, as well as Facebook and Myspace friends.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

You’ll find that the selfish bastard in your sign will keep you from giving money to the homeless woman at the laundromat, no matter how many times she claims she hasn’t eaten in three days. However, your sign’s sexual nature kicks in and you offer her $15 for a hand job while you wait for your clothes to dry.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You’re feeling a little sad this week; let’s face it, you’re a loser. If your whiny-ass, self-indulgent, psycho-self has any friends left, invite them over for a party! If you still aren’t having any fun, don’t worry. You didn’t really piss in the punchbowl before everyone showed up, did you?

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You will feel itchy and irritated. Could it be those crabs from the train station toilet? There’s a reason there’s paper liners, moron! Your bad habits get you a spanking, which is weird since it’s Your Mom spanking you and you’re 37 years old.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

If your boss grabs your ass at work, go for it! Getting a raise for putting out is awesome! Start putting out regularly – men, women, donkeys, parking meters… It feels good! You could probably play fireman and get the girls to drink from your hose!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Bad news! Your Uncle will reveal that he’s not really your uncle, but just a stranger who used to play “What’s in daddy’s pocket” with you. Do you know how much alcohol it would take to black out completely and forget? Google it.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

This week, anything is possible… except for you! Start the meds, and as soon as the Xanax kicks in the problems will start to fade away. Its time to close that relationship that’s going nowhere. Sindy Hardcore, the phone sex operator will just have to take NO for an answer!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You are the over-sexed group of the zodiac signs, but this last stunt tops them all. Playing “Booty Health Inspector” at the local bars, which involves the ladies removing their clothes so that you can inspect them with your “probe”, may have gotten you lots of tail but also prompts you to call your lawyer. There are lots of booty inspectors in prison!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Oh no, your spouse is coming home and you made a huge mess! Who spilled the cocaine and why is there a dead hooker on the living room floor? Word of advice: Duct tape, garbage bags, and bleach.

Patty Seazle kicks ass during the day and can be found taunting baristas at various Starbuck’s locations county-wide.

Your Horoscope

By Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You didn’t pay attention all semester, because you were staring down that girl’s shirt. Cramming the night before isn’t going to help you pass the final. Go get hammered! You won’t mind asking “Do you want fries with that?” for the rest of your life.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

The biggest turn on for an Aquarian, is location, location, location. Because they’re ruled by the moon, they like to do it at night. Under the stars, on the back of the bus, in the treehouse, or at the drive-in are just a few examples of places to keep your eyes open for those naughty Aquarians. Or Your Mom.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Pisces? What the hell is a Pisces? It must suck to be you. I would say that romance is in your future, but you have to get a personality first. Tell everyone you’re a Scorpio, it’s much better to be a pervert than a miserable loser like yourself.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Aries take teamwork to an all time high. Let them take the lead, because they’re not good with direction and authority. Cue cards are optional, so that the appropriate reactions can be interjected at the precise moment for optimum excitement.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

The Taurus is extremely selfish. Was it really necessary to knock the kid off his bike, so that you could stare at his mother’s ass when she bent over to pick him up? How would you like it if someone did that to Your Mom?

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You’ve worked so hard all year and when you asked the boss for a raise that wasn’t in the budget, you got mad huh? Do the right thing and make him some special brownies. Make sure there’s extra goodies in there, and when you find him passed out in the broom closet, make prank calls from his office and send out fake memos like “Friday is naked day” and “Heather from accounting likes to get kinky on rollercoasters.”

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You will feel itchy and irritated. Could it be those crabs from the train station toilet? There’s a reason there’s paper liners moron! Your bad habits get you a spanking, which is weird since it’s Your Mom spanking you, and you’re 37 years old.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

People will talk if they see you eat that candy bar floating in the pool. That’s not a candy bar you schmuck. It’s from your 2 year old cousin. Word of advice, telling people that the corn in the “candybar” was surprisingly “sweet and delicious” would not be a good idea.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You may find yourself adopting the persona of many different characters this month, depending on your mood swings. Man, you are seriously messed up. One minute you’re wearing a tutu, and the next you’re proclaiming to be Dustin Hoffman. Get back on those little pills, or else your only hope is electric shock and a straight jacket.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Stop wasting everyone’s oxygen and get with the program. You turn a simple decision such as “original” or “extra” crispy into a ten minute ordeal, as you mull over the endless possibilities. Here’s a hint dumbass, you’re going to be hungry tomorrow and perhaps the day after that, so it’s not a life and death situation.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpios use their tongue for everything, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING. They love to lick people in whip cream, alcohol, caramel sauce and guacamole. They’re always there to lend you a hand, or some other part of their anatomy. Also known for being the most perverted of all the signs.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Your arrogance is sickening this month. You’ve been seen kissing mirrors and sniffing bicycle seats. You could possibly achieve great success, because of your total lack of ethics. You’re a perfect son-of-a-bitch, and nobody is good enough for you. You masturbate a lot.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Word from the bird is saying get rid of the duck-ass, and shoot for the jelly roll, otherwise you need to look into a new hip lid. You fracture me.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

What’s buzzin’ cousin? Feeling like a fream? Don’t be a lame crumb, quit piling up the Z’s. Get up and get chrome plated, and head to the fat city!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

If you’re thinking of painting the town, those nuggets aren’t going to get you very far. You need some real scratch . Do you have enough for a hulahoop?

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Planning some backseat bingo with that classy barn burner in the back of your bent eight? Don’t let the big Daddio find out, he’ll snap his cap!

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Leave the ankle-biters at home and agitate the gravel! Get out of your crib for a few days and tear ass. Cut out of town!

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Stop noodlin’cat, and quit it with the clams, let‘s work that tune. Hop into your zoot suit, and let’s lay down some hot licks. Razz my berries!

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

What’s your tale nightingale? Don’t be a wet rag. I suggest a bag of some kick-ass muggles to change your attitude. Catch you on the flip-side.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Go ape and goose it greaser! Your hopped up hottie is going to attract some heat in no time, so if you’re cruising for a bruisin’, go ahead…lay a patch!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Be a Bose-bouncing’ cat, get those jitterbugs jumping, and you’ll be a bonafide hipster. Make the scene!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

This cat should get out the flip-top, fire it up, and flat out floor it! Go for pinks baby. Heels on fire!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Show off that classy chassis of yours, everyone digs a finger zinger, and you’ve got what it takes! Get that sugarband up to speed, and you’ll be waxing a disc in no time flat.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You are definitely radio active this week. Put on those peepers and head to the passion pit. Eyeball those fast dollies, but keep it real.

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

If you catch on fire this week, avoid looking in the mirror. I would imagine that would throw you into a panic. Elvis was Cappy, and apparently a hunk, a hunk of burning love.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You thrive on love and devotion, and grow sulky when you’re not the center of attention. The best way to keep an Aquarian happy is to walk around with a flag that says “You’re #1”, or “I’m so damn lucky to be with you!” That should do it.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You’re as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market. A very clear vision comes to you this week, and it’s sure to put a smile on your face. A new direction for you is on the horizon. Don’t forget your flask.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Never go to bed angry, always stay up and argue. However, make sure that you keep your ears covered, I heard that Van Gogh shares your sign, and we all know what lengths he went to in the name of love.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Taurean tidbit. Elves are born under the Taurus sign, due to the very short mating season at the end of July. That explains why the average height for a Taurus is 4’3”. Your great sense of humor works as an enabler against your height deficiency, and you’re a lousy dancer.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Geminis are clever, you’re the kind that can count the loose change inside your pocket without taking your hand or the money out. You’ve also mastered your own cop-a-feel. Niiiice!

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Even though you’re the sign of the crabs, it’s ironic that your sign is less likely to contract VD, as a matter of fact, Cancers are the healthiest of all the signs. Your phone should start ringing now…..you’re welcome.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

When your lover starts wearing more clothes to bed than to work, you’ve got a problem. This week will bring new bizarre occurrences. You find out that you can catch love in a jar, and spread it like a disease. Go ahead, slurp the face off of an unsuspecting Gemini.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’re so prim and proper that you don’t even appreciate a good fart joke on occasion. What’s funny is that when you pass wind, you have a tendency to blame it on the nearest Aries. Make a note that they’re on to you, and beware of flying pies.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Everyone talks about the weather, but no one wants to do anything about it. The rain gets to you this week, and so I suggest playing with monkeys. Put bananas in hidden places!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom. Remember, love is a thousand miles long, but comes in 9” installments. Get after it!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Time to panic. You hear gossip about your love life whilst sitting on the toilet this week. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy part, and there’s nothing rosy about it.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Cappies generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up, which is why you’re left off the astrological cocktail party list. You’re either totally on or totally off. Watch your obnoxiousness, and I’ll get you into a killer party soon.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You love to get sizzled, but you’re more fascinated with other drunk people, and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers, finding charm in everyone! You make the best designated drivers.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

High possibilities of loopy groping lie within the Piscean. Sagittarians make brilliant booty calls, and are fun…see above. You do it rock-star like, and can flirt with many groupies at the same time, making everyone feel sexy. It’s yours for the taking!

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

You people like to party, and sometimes don’t know when to stop, making you prone to closing-time shot contests. No need to worry, even though you’re a sloppy, fun drunk, all will be forgiven before sunrise.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

You prefer to drink at leisurely pace aiming for a mellow glow, rather than a full-on zonk. Your preference for wining and dining, over body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Amazingly enough, you Gemini’s can drink without changing your behavior much. You’re naturally chatty and your short-attention span, makes it hard to tell sometimes, unless you’re really drunk and start puking in everyone’s shoes. A good way to lose a few friends.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Crabs must guard their lushery. You’re a comfort drinker, an extra wine with dinner, a few beers after work. You never really get drunk; instead you become weepy and lubricated. Swap some stories over a bottle of wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second favorite Cancer will do.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Leo’s love to drink and dance! You’re usually fabulous dancers and pretty damn good drinkers as well. Let it loose and drink yourself into a low level of intelligence this week!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your famously fussy quest for purity leads you to drinking less than other signs. When you do, it leads you to drinking booze neat, and sucking down that organic wine. When shell-shacked, you’re dead sexy Virgo.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’re jusht a social drinker, slurs the Libra. “It’s jusht that I’m sho damn social.” Charming as you are, you lack self control, wearing your wobbly boots waaay too early in the evening, flirting with your best friends beau, or even blacking out the evening…oops!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Boy, I love a good Scorpio. With your addictive personality and the right Aquarian, a pitcher of margaritas could keep you in the bedroom for days. Lose yourself in dreamland this week.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You have a case of booze blurtiness, and when buttered up, have the tendency to spill secrets, many being your own. Tactlessness aside, you’re just plain fuuuuun to drink with. Maybe that’s why Anna Nicole Smith was a Sag.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’re having delusions of adequacy, and you’re simply a shiver looking for a spine to crawl up. Try to open your mind without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. I’ll say something nice next week Cappy, I promise.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

This week is a circus, and you feel like the 15^th clown stuffed into the Volkswagon. I say pick up that whip, because you’re more suited to be the leather clad ringmaster. Get out there and make them dance!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Having trouble taking the heat in the kitchen? I’m not worried about you, you’re a tough cookie, so hang in there. You’re not going to crumble because of a few nuts in the recipe.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

You’re one smooth pimp daddy. You’ve slipped into your dance shoes and are dancing around a touchy subject this week, but your friends are not falling for your big finish. They’ll wash their jazz hands of you, unless you come clean and face the music.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Your dreams don’t have an expiration date, like cottage cheese and lunchmeat, so why are you throwing them into the recycle bin? Dust them off and see if they still shine. You may find that you’ve been storing your greatest achievements next to the brown lettuce this whole time.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You haven’t been asking for the moon, just your own little chuck of green cheese. Your pleas have been heard, and the universe is sending a few well deserved blobs of Brie into your orbit!  Watch the skies with your eyes, and with your wallet wide open.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You finally have a dollar in your pocket, but the ice cream truck keeps speeding by. Time to think outside the frosty box. A few nails might slow down those tasty treats. Suggest something other than “Pop Goes the Weasel”. Hell, Led Zepplin would sell a few fudgecicles.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Not every question can be answered with a boot to the head, some require a whiffle ball to the groin. Step up to the plate and get your helping of cosmic knowledge. I suggest playing with a Virgo this week.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’ve pinched so many pennies, that Abraham Lincoln is afraid to wear tight jeans. Set aside some coin for a good cause, but let’s enjoy some of it this week too! Gimme a call, I’m happy to help out!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

There’s a tough fix for you this week, but thank goodness you have a good wrench in your hand. Tighten your lugs, but don’t try to bolt, because someone else has your nuts at the moment. A tactic of an angry Leo.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

That sexy, hot body of yours may be a weapon of mass seduction, but your mind missile remains stuck in the silo. Keep upgrading your moves, you probably wouldn’t want that smart bombshell to take advantage of you. Or would you?

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Time to de-geek this week, and get updated. Your jack is plugged into a peapod, not your iPod, and you need some serious help. Find some new friends to help you get tuned in, and you’ll be twittering….. twitting…. tweeting in no time.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.

Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You revel in romantic fantasies this week, enjoying your courtships. Add some flare to things and ask Lawrence Welk if you can borrow his bubble machine. Keep your eyes open for lovely Leos and spicy Pisceans this week.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

The very special Aquarian is ruled by both Uranus and Saturn, leaving you with a great combination of energy and sexual lust. As a well balanced sign, you have the wisdom to not let these traits take over. Please pass the sausage.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Time to change your hearing aid batteries and FYI, “There’s a bad moon on the rise”, not “There’s a bathroom on the right”, you old crab. Yes, really, and I have no idea why everyone sounds like Bob Dylan.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

This week I’d like you to come home from any destination (including the trip to the mailbox) at least once without heading straight to the bathroom. You might want to get that looked at.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Let it be known, the Bull will not be rushed. Stubborn Taureans refuse help from anyone mumbling about offering assistance. It’s your hearing aid, and no one is allowed to touch it!!!!

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Look out, someone is planning to rock your boat. Your power and fury are a force to be reckoned with however. No worries, your resolutions will be anything BUT going on a diet. You will remain slim amongst the calorie laden treats!

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Your nocturnal abilities seem to keep you up more than you should be. Are you worried that you’re going to miss something? You’re turning into a big crab, which totally makes more sense than my horoscopes.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Although you could care less about chocolate, you do appreciate someone to share it with… see Libra. With a reputation of being an aphrodisiac, who needs green? It’s all about brown…  chocolate brown.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

As the Goddess of the Harvest, you shall reap a bountiful crop this week. Mickey Mouse shares your sign, so I suggest an expensive bottle of wine, and cheese, lots of cheese!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You can’t cook, but will eat anything and everything. You are in your glory, Libra, and this week is full of leftovers! Beware of fuzzy meat, if you’re not hip on that sorta thing.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Ruled by Pluto, the path to the bedroom is laced with good food and good wine. You’re a volcano just under the surface, ready to burst into eruption at any moment. Is it getting hot in here or is it just Patty and her lava lane?

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

A bit moody now that celebrations are winding down, the lazy bull comes out. Use the downtime to contemplate resolutions. Make the first resolution to not make more resolutions than you can feasibly accomplish, which you just automatically failed to do.

Got a problem with your horoscope? Don’t bitch at Patty directly.  Bitch at her through Pete@westseattlefunblog.com!

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

I’m glad to see that you’ve slowed down and have made time to smell the roses. Take it easy and don’t let strangers touch you, unless it feels good.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Time to focus on the New Year and buckle down. Good things come to those that go for buckles. Bam, no pants!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Every good gardener knows that if not everything comes up roses, you should never squat in the bushes. I suggest keeping your pants on this week, or you could easily wind up with a pierced tuckus.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

I’m not sure why you keep having the same dream of beautiful naked women throwing pickles at you, but if you think the grass is greener over there, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Focus on variety this week. Even though you have a hard time reaching those new goals, a new bakery opens up in your neighborhood, that’s bound to make you forget those goals altogether. Give the chocolate lobster tail a try.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Next time you’re outside, check around the house and in the bushes, because your bullshit filter fell out again. After you find it, your family will agree to let you back in the house. The way some people place blame, you’d think there was a damn reward or something.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Well Crabs, this season has you being underpaid and underappreciated, but that’s all changing! Curb your insecurities, and take charge.Project Runway is looking for your number. That eyebrow needs a-waxin’.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

The universe will find a way to make it’s point this week. You’re grabbing the future by the Magic 8-ball, and you’re not taking any “Try Again” crap either. Shake it, but don’t break it.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You think you’re all that and a bag of chips? Someone would have to throw in a Cosmopolitan and a cheesecake to even come close. Go ahead and bask in your deliciousness, because you won’t be flavor of the month for very long.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’ve been meowing at the backdoor for far too long. Rip open that screen and let her roar like the king of the jungle that you are. You just might get some fresh kitty litter and a good scratch right where you need it.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You may have the mileage of a Ford Pinto, but you certainly have the moves of a fire-engine red Ferrari. Keep your rubber on the road and you could get your chassis waxed by an adoring fan.

Sagittarius: (Nov  22-Dec 21)

Quit telling people it’s your way or the highway Sag, everyone is tired of your yellow brick road. It’s time for you to get the point or it’s going to be the shaft.