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Obama Engrossed By Republican Primaries, Forgets Presidential Duties

Chason Gordon — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 13:51:22 +0000

WASHINGTON, D.C., January 27, 2012 (WSFB) - According to a recent report, President Obama is so engrossed with the republican primaries that he’s forgotten all his responsibilities as Commander in Chief.

“He spends all day watching Fox News,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney, “we’re a little worried. I keep telling him he has to meet with some school children and sign a bill, but he just tells me to fuck off and give him another hour.”

The republican primaries have certainly kept the nation rapt with attention. Between the exits of Rick Perry and Jon Huntsman, and the late surge of Newt Gingrich, audiences are finding it impossible to predict what will come next.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” said a concerned Michelle Obama, banging on the door to the oval office. “He just keeps watching television and ordering in food, occasionally popping out to tell me the latest poll numbers.”

Many of the presidential duties have been ignored of late. The halls of the White House are packed with championship teams waiting to meet the President, all of whom are sitting on boxes of broken Solyndra solar panels. Additionally, various European leaders have had their phone calls ignored, and are greeted with an answering machine message that simply tells them to “Get your shit together.”

The assumption that Vice President Biden is running the White House appears to be wrong, because Obama has him flying to every primary state in order to bring back the local popular food.

“Republicans are having a field day with this,” said Carney, “which only makes the coverage more exciting. He’ll never come out.”

We got a chance to sit down with President Obama during the last South Carolina debate. The oval office was strewn with empty bags of white truffle popcorn, crushed beer cans, and a rope of licorice that appeared to be endless. In the middle of the room stood David Axelrod, roasting a pig over an eternal flame. Obama was sitting on the floor against the front of a futon.

POTUS: You want a chair? Axelrod! Get this guy a chair!

ME: So are you concerned at all that no one’s running the country?

POTUS: Oh man, Newt just pwned John King! Are you watching this shit? Put down that fucking notepad. I can’t believe that people don’t care about his cheating. Did you know that Scarlet Johansson wrote me a letter? I love my wife, but come on, if I had known that cheating was ok…I don’t know, I’m just saying.”

ME: Are you worried about potentially debating Gingrich?

POTUS: Wait a second. Ron Paul was a doctor? That’s hilarious. Here’s my impression of Dr. Ron Paul. You be the patient.

ME: Uhhh…

POTUS: Come on, just complain about something.

ME: Ok. Hi Dr. Paul, I’ve been having a pain in my chest.

POTUS: I know what the problem is: the Fed! Laughs hysterically

ME: That’s a good one.

POTUS: Thanks.

CARNEY: Sir we need you to approve-

POTUS: FUCK OFF CARNEY!!! Hey reporter, don’t you think that Carney looks like a guy who’s supposed to turn into a superhero, but never does? What a nerd.

ME: Well I suppose-

POTUS: Boy I love watching these debates. This Obama guy sounds like a jerk.

Aides quickly escorted me out the door, but I managed to ask Obama one more question.

ME: Does their angry rhetoric bother you?

POTUS: No, not at all. I’m just a fan. I can’t believe I get to meet one of them!

For more from Chason Gordon, check out his website at literallyhumor.comand follow him at twitter.com/chasongordon. LIKE him, if you dare, on Facebook here. <— click that!

Morality Found In Eye Of Newt

Chason Gordon — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:32:37 +0000

MACLEAN, Virginia, January 20, 2012 (WSFB) – It was discovered today that Newt Gingrich literally constructed his own moral universe, mostly built out of mirrors, birch bark, and headshots.

“It’s amazing,” confirmed one reporter, verifying the find. “When you walk inside, it’s impossible to be wrong. No matter where you stand, you always have the moral high ground. I didn’t want to leave.”

The moral universe was built in a shack behind the Gingrich property in McLean, Virginia. Visitors can only be inside it for minutes at a time due to high levels of electromagnetic radiation.

“We usually give people lead aprons,” said one guard, dressed in a hazmat suit, “although the radiation doesn’t seem to affect Gingrich at all.”

Jessica Morgan, a supporter of Gingrich, was taken aback. “I always wondered how he could justify his various infidelities with the excuse that he was working too hard for his country, or where he got the balls to say he was only a historian for Freddie Mac. But now that I know he’s constructed his own moral universe, it makes perfect sense. I’m a little relieved, frankly.”

When asked about the moral universe, Gingrich was happy to take credit. “As everyone knows I teach a class on constructing your own moral universe at Emory University. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I didn’t have one? That’s right, I wouldn’t be a hypocrite, because I have my own moral universe. You’ve been paying attention.”

The news however of Gingrich’s moral universe did not please everyone, especially Antonio Ereditato, the lead scientist at the CERN hadron collider. “We’ve spent millions of dollars trying to find the so called God particle, but now because of Gingrich, our search is over.”

He added, “This is going to put a lot of people out of work. I hope it doesn’t hurt his campaign.”

For more from Chason Gordon, check out his website at literallyhumor.comand follow him at twitter.com/chasongordon. LIKE him, if you dare, on Facebook here. <— click that!

Ron Paul Takes One Small Step For A Man

Pete Seazle — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:52:04 +0000

THE MOON, SOMEWHERE OVER WEST SEATTLE, Washington, January 13, 2012 (WSFB) – Ron Paul’s bid for the Republican Presidential nomination has slipped of late, most likely due to his campaign strategy.

Said Campaign Adviser Kevin Johnson, “We told Ron that our time would be best spent in New Hampshire and South Carolina as these early primaries are important for building and maintaining momentum. But he insisted on going to the moon instead.”

Mitt Romney and the other GOP idiots have been hitting small towns across these two critical primary states with vigor. Meanwhile, Paul is floundering in the polls. He doesn’t seem to mind.

“I just needed a break from those jackasses,” said Paul from his beach chair near the Sea of Tranquility. “Mitt’s really started to get on my pet peeves. Besides, the view from up here is amazing!”

Remarkably, even with Ron Paul’s absence from the New Hampshire campaign trail and obvious lunar-cy, he was able to garner 23% of the New Hampshire vote, second to Mitt Romney’s 39%.

Asked how he would recover from his trailing position, Paul sipped his Vodka Tang and said, “I’ll catch up at the end of the end of the month in Florida. Their voters are more my age anyway.”

Bachmann Angry Perry Did Not Exit Race With Her

Chason Gordon — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:32:58 +0000

Rick Perry prays they can hug this one out.

CHARLESTON, South Carolina, January 6, 2012 (WSFB) – Michelle Bachman announced today that she was very disappointed Rick Perry did not also exit the race like he promised her he would. “We had a pact,” she said, referencing an old Seinfeld episode. “I told him I would only exit the race if he did. We shook hands on it. He totally psyched me out.”

“Look, I don’t know what Michelle thinks I said, but I told her I was only considering it,” Perry remarked, approving the final touches on a South Carolina campaign poster. “I never shook Michelle’s hand, unless she was one of the random strangers who showed up at my campaign stops.”

Bachman however was not convinced. “It’s just not cool. We decided to do this together. I mean what if Thelma jumped out of the car at the last minute in the movie Thelma and Louise? You think Louise would have liked that as she sailed over a cliff to her certain death? I don’t think so.”

Anonymous sources close to the Perry campaign admitted that Perry only flirted with exiting to get Bachman to leave. “It was a total act,” said one insider, “he’s doing the same thing to Huntsman right now.”

For more from Chason Gordon, check out his website at literallyhumor.comand follow him at twitter.com/chasongordon. LIKE him, if you dare, on Facebook here. <— click that!

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Bachmann’s Failed “Pajama Party”

Pete Seazle — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:47:19 +0000

PHOENIX, Arizona, December 30, 2011 (WSFB) – In Michelle Bachmann’s absolutely ridiculous and preposterous bid for the Republican Presidential nomination, pandering to minorities seems to have become the norm.

Little known outside the confines of northern Arizona, Bachmann held a Pajama Party a couple of months ago and reached out to our neighbors to the south.

“I love Mexicans,” said Bachmann. “They do wonderful landscaping work and their food is just delicious. I’d like to meet more of them, thus my call out for more Mexicans to join our little sleepover.”

However, INS authorities apparently had different plans when they raided the PJ Party to check for illegals. Eleven guests were found without proper documentation. Guacamole was confiscated and the eleven were arrested and promptly deported to Canada.

Said Bachmann, “I asked them to bring that wonderful green avocado dip. GWOCK. That’s a funny word. I guess I should have told them to bring green cards too. Oh well.”

“C’est la vie, right? Is that Mexican?”

The Chocolate Angel: A Holiday Aberration

Pete Seazle — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 13:32:14 +0000

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, December 23, 2011 (WSFB) – Perhaps you’ve seen the face of Jesus on a tortilla or in a painting of Christ. Maybe it was tears of blood leaking from the eyes of the Virgin Mary in statue form.

Either way, there are countless anomalies and aberrations associated with Christianity that you’ve at least heard of, if not witnessed first hand. Most have been verified or debunked by Snopes.com.

But have you heard of The Chocolate Angel?

No? I didn’t think so.

The first recorded sighting of The Chocolate Angel was in December of 1864 and occurred at the White House, witnessed by Abraham Lincoln. He spoke of this incident in his memoirs. “The Chocolate Angel appeared in one of the White House bedrooms that had no official name at the time. She was brown and sweet and effused a sense of calm and tranquility. She was quite inspiring and told me to get out of the house more often. Perhaps catch a show.”

Many years later, in 1936, The Chocolate Angel appeared in the Boston home of Amelia Earhart as she was planning the first solo flight around the world by a woman. Said Earhart, “She exuded sweetness and told me my quest would be a major success.”

In December of 1962, The Chocolate Angel appeared in the Hyannisport, MA Kennedy compound to then-President John F. Kennedy. The Angel is said to have told Kennedy that the next year would be huge for him and he should definitely go to Dallas. Maybe take the Presidential Convertible and soak in some Texas sun!

In December of 1980, the Angel showed up in Manhattan at the Dakota apartment of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Ono did not witness this event, though by 1980, people were starting to see a connection with The Chocolate Angel and wished she had.

Said Lennon shortly before his death, “She spoke of peace, and told me to give peace a chance. I told her I’d said the same thing 11 years earlier. She then seemed to get a little hot under the collar and left a messy brown spot on the doily next to my tea and crumpets. Then poof, she was gone. Odd bird, that one.”

Yes, there were countless other sightings, but these were the most significant.

Though unverified at press time, it is said that The Chocolate Angel was sighted just last week in the home of Republican pundit, Ann Coulter. Calls to Coulter and her publicist were unanswered, though a cryptic Twitter message from Coulter on Thursday stated, “Leave me alone. I’m allergic to cocoa. And I’m Jewish for chrissake!”

Perry Campaigns, Loses Texas

Pete Seazle — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:51:02 +0000

AUSTIN, New New Mexico, Diciembre 9, 2011 (WSFB) – They say that becoming President is a full time job and they’re right. You have to campaign long and hard if you want your party’s nomination, let alone a desk in the oval office. But what if you already have a full time job?

Texas Governor Rick Perry found out the hard way that if you neglect your current duties, the worst can happen.

While Perry was campaigning over the weekend in New England, Mexico launched a strategically timed campaign of its own, only of the military persuasion, and took back Texas. Now named New New Mexico, it is the 32nd Mexican state.

“We had an opportunity in 1999 when Bush was running for President,” said Mexican President Felipe Calderon, “but we were taking a siesta and missed our chance. How fortunate for us that Governor Perry hasn’t been paying attention to his homeland. Viva Nuevo Nuevo Mexico!”

Reached at a fundraiser in New Haven, Connecticut, Perry responded to this devastating news by saying, “Oops.”

Paradise Returns to Amish Village

Shamus O'Toole — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:41:00 +0000

AKRON, Ohio, November 30, 2011 (WSFB) – While it is now being reported worldwide that seven Amish in Ohio are under arrest for hate crime hair attacks, the WSFB has learned through the grapevine, literally, that Amish women are now shaving to show solidarity with the men-folk.

We decided to fly to Akron, Ohio, then rent a horse and buggy to nearby Bergholz, where the scalping incidents took place. Because this story has gotten so much attention, all black buggies were already rented out once we arrived. We were, however, able to snag a metallic orange one, much to the embarrassment of our horse.

We interviewed Amish member Hannah Yoder who was clean-shaven. She said, “What is good for yee goose is good for yee gander. Would thee like to see other shaved Amish women? They are in yonder barn. And the barn door is open.”

Walmart Counters Critics: Carries Pepper Spray

Pete Seazle — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 13:09:18 +0000

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas, November 28, 2011 (WSFB) – To counteract the bad publicity of violence at its stores during last week’s Black Friday sales, Arkansas-based Walmart has started carrying Pepper Spray so it’s shoppers can protect themselves from Walmart shoppers.

“Bitches get crazy,” said Walmart spokeswoman Loquisha Rockefellatio. ”An Xbox game that usually sells for $60 goes on sale for $19.99 and that’s not a crime. That’s Walmart servicing its customers. But one bad apple gets down with the mist and its all Walmart’s fault? We don’t agree. And we’re reaching out to those customers who think that and feel threatened.”

“You can protect yourself from our own customers for $4.88. And ain’t that a muthafuckin’ win-win?”

Cans of ”Pepper Spray” are now on sale at Walmarts throughout 48 of the 50 United States.

Said Rockefellatio, “There ain’t been shit happenin’ at our stores in Alaska and Hawaii, so we’re keepin’ it real and keepin’ it contiguous, i’ight?”