WEST SEATTLE, Washington, January 23, 2012 (WSFB)

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

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What kinds of things do they say? “Oh you know, they ask me if I need a ride back to my house when we return to earth, they sarcastically quote passages from Kennedy’s moon speech, and sometimes they lock me outside the space station, saying that China will pick me up.”

“I’m supposed to be the captain of this mission, but they have no respect. The other day they grabbed me with the Canadian space arm and wouldn’t let go. I haven’t had a decent meal in weeks, because they replaced all my space food with toothpaste, which is especially confusing since they look so alike.”

President Obama sent word to Vladimir Putin insisting the Russians stop bullying Mr. Burbank, but Putin tersely responded, “Our vehicle, our rules.” In a show of moral support, major sports stars like Derek Jeter and Sydney Crosby are creating “It Gets Better” videos, hoping they will cheer up the American astronaut, though it doesn’t seem to be working.

“I just want to run away, but that’s kind of impossible. There’s nothing for light years around,” said Burbank, putting on his space helmet, which was filled with spaghetti.

“Not again.”

For more from Chason Gordon, check out his website at literallyhumor.com and follow him at twitter.com/chasongordon.  LIKE him, if you dare, on Facebook here.  <— click that!

Until about twenty years ago, the United States was the largest consumer of foreign crude. The entire US economy was predicated on the notion of cheap oil, and our industries took wholesale advantage of the circumstance.

Now, with previously-emerging economies in China and India consuming an ever growing amount of crude to fuel their booming industries and economy, America has fallen to the wayside and pushed down the ladder by the very countries we invested billions of dollars.

“Fuck OPEC,” says local resident Burt Blankenship. “They’re a cartel of marauding inbred royals who seem to have forgotten that we’re the ones that built their oil production infrastructure from the ground up. We brought the tools, people, and know-how to the table and now they’re treating us like we’re children. It’s not right.”

OPEC officials reacted in surprise to today’s International Energy Agency decision to release 60 million barrels into the supply chain to compensate for the shortage in oil production in Libya because Ghadaffi is a fucking idiot and doesn’t get the message that he’s an asshole and no one but his paid cronies want him around.

“We do not see any reason to release this much oil,” says OPEC official Achmed Achmenadaji. “If we do that, then we won’t have sufficient justification to continue price increases. We want 40 virgins, and we want them now.”

Obama administration officials countered Achmenadaji’s comment with, “who cares what they think?”

“I no longer use a towel to dry my hair” says local Patriot Ed Grumble. “I air dry, the American way.”

The time has clearly come for an invigoration of American ingenuity, and for a solution to dependence on foreign oil. Some posit that this will take a generation to achieve, but we’re more optimistic than that. We’re the pioneers of the Free World and our time has come.

America. Fuck Yeah!

Blind to the millions of protesters showing him the door, Mubarak is declaring stubbornly that he will remain in Egypt and retain power. We believe he is in de-Nile.

If the moderate tyrant does leave, however, this could create a power vacuum, a Dirt Devil if you will, and many in the West fear the well-organized Muslim Brotherhood would step in, seize power, and impose extremism on our Egyptian allies. We would prefer the more progressive Ya-Ya Sisterhood to the Muslim Brotherhood. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen over there.

Therefore, we feel there is only one individual with enough wisdom and experience to replace his legacy: King Tut. There is much that Mubarak has with King Tut-in-common. One thing is that they are both alive.

Yes! Tut has arisen from the grave. Some Cairenes (That is actually what they are called!) have spotted him straying through Tahrir Square and drinking molotov cocktails with some of the good ol’ boys at the Hilton Pyramids Golf Resort’s Island Bar, highly recommended by this reporter.

The new rein of King Tut may follow prophecy. If you play Steve Martin’s song “King Tut” backwards, the lyrics below become “Mubarak must leave. I will return!”

“He coulda won a Grammy,

Buried in his Jammies,

Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia,

He was born in Arizona, got a condo made of stone-a.”

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, January 14, 2011 (WSFB) – The consumer electronics research arm of the Funblog has discovered that certain global positioning systems, (which are referred to as “GPS” we just learned), recently given as Christmas gifts have a glitch. While many GPS devices feature “voice recognition”, the latest models offer “shape recognition.”

Simply hold up a sketch of the location you seek to the screen and your GPS finds it for you. This is handy if you are mute, eating a sandwich or drinking a beer and it cannot recognize your voice.

Problem is, some puzzled travelers using shape recognition have found themselves in Laos, the country bordering Vietnam, while aiming for Italy and vice versa. Their similar shapes confuse the GPS shape recognition electric eye.

Said Tony Ricatta, an Alki resident and victim of the shape recognition feature on his new Christmas gift, “I had two weeks off and wanted to visit my uncle Luigi in Milan. I found myself in Xiangkhoang instead. I’m looking around and I’m like, ‘What the frick is going on here?’ And I got to tell you, I couldn’t find my uncle anywhere.”

The Funblog also spoke to Choummaly Phommachanh of White Center who had just returned after inadvertently landing in Venice instead of Vientiane, the capital of Laos. “I took wooden boat on river but it not Mekong, it canal. So I come back home.”

Reports are coming in that another Seattle traveler, who is mute, thought she was on her way to Vancouver Island but ended up on the equally-oval island of Madagascar. “I was speechless,” she signed.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki with his new cabinet.

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, December 28, 2010 (WSFB) – Iraqi officials have given conflicting dates for the announcement of the country’s new cabinet which was expected to be unveiled by re-elected Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Monday.

An advisor to Prime Minister al-Maliki told the Funblog that the new cabinet would be named later on that day.

Al-Maliki was scheduled on Monday to unveil a list of minister designates to take the portfolios in his cabinet.

Iraq has been left without a government since the inconclusive parliamentary elections in March which did not give any of the electoral slates the parliamentary majority they required to name a new cabinet.

In the interest of advancing peace in that troubled part of the world, the Funblog would like to offer suggestions for cabinet names.

So far we’ve got:

1 ) Uncle Tom’s Cabinet

2 ) The Bagdad Bedroom Set

3 ) God is Great Cabinet

4 ) Cabinet of Mass Destruction

5 ) Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

6 ) Betty

7 ) The Saddam Hussein Will Not Be Inside This Cabinet

8 ) Osama bin Cabinet

Please post any further cabinet name ideas on the Facebook link that led you here.

Guys, we know what you are thinking, “Even if I could swing the cost of a vacation to one of those Hedonism Resorts in Jamaica, they have nude beaches and jacuzzis filled with hot chicks and I have a small penis.”

Unlike what Thomas Jefferson scribbled down in that bogus Declaration, we at the Funblog understand that while all men are created equal, some men are more equal than others. Well, our research department got on this and found the perfect solution, “Little Dix Bay” in Virgin Gorda, about five miles due east of Jamaica.

“Virgin Gorda” means “fat virgin” so basically everybody is welcome, especially if you are a fat virgin with a small penis.

Their slogan is, “Everybody is welcome at Little Dix Bay, where you have nothing to be ashamed of”. And men, for an added self-esteem boost, you can purchase an official Little Dix Bay t-shirt with an image of the late actor Herve Villechaize squeezing a small pistol that says, “Say hello to my little friend.”

However, the WSFB has received an anonymous tip from Assistant Secretary for South and Central Asian Affairs, Robert O. Blake, who revealed off the record that, before America declares war on North Korea, it has one last secret weapon up its sleeve: signing on Corporal Radar O’Reilly from M*A*S*H as a last line of defense.

Blake told WSFB, “This is not for publication, but we just brought RADAR out of retirement because he could answer my questions before I finished asking them.”

Blake played this taped high-level security conversation for the WSFB after we promised not to share its contents with the public:

Blake: “Do you think we should…”

RADAR: “…consider nuking Kim Jung-il? Yes sir.”

Blake: “Is it possible that…”

RADAR: “…North Korea will retaliate and nuke South Korea? Yes.”

Blake: “Well then, don’t you think…”

RADAR: “…that I better search for my teddy bear? Yes.”

Blake: “You are amazing! You know what I am going to…

RADAR: “…say before you finish asking it. I know sir.”

The tape audio then became indecipherable, but sounded like one long, loud, extended laugh track.

Vajazzle specializes in decorations for a female’s pubic region. Gems and non-gems are affixed to the midsection to highlight an otherwise boring crotch. The response has been nothing short of remarkable.

“Women are tired of the same old vagina,” said Kevin Johnson, spokesvajjjjjje for Vajazzle. “They do crazier things in bed than they used to do and their inhibitions have been markedly lowered. But after that, then what? We’ve provided the answer to that question.”

Pajizzle is the same thing for men.

“I never liked to look at my minature ears,” said Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Terrell Owens. “But, then I put some big-ass rocks on my lobes, and DAY-um if they didn’t look bad ass! I then realized I didn’t like looking at my balls…”

Fear your balls no more, T.O. Pajizzle has a wide variety of cubic zirconium and genuine conflict-free diamonds that can be firmly affixed to your nads!

Does your treasure trail offer no treasure? No problem. It’s now lined with rhinestones!

“You like me ?” asks Owens in the team hotel bar prior to facing the Indianapolis Colts the next day. “How you like me now?” he says as he shows off his latest acquisition to all of the bar’s patrons.

Jack Cunningham was in the bar that night. “I live here in Indy,” said Cunningham. “One, I really didn’t need to see T.O.’s junk. And Two, I’m not very happy about number One.”

When told about this response to his public display at the Airport Marriott, Owens said, “Yeah, let’s see how Pajizzle shines in the endzone tomorrow!”

The Bengals lost to the Colts, 23-17.

Pajizzle mah nizzle, indeed.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

At first I was attracted to the women in the website’s photos and was thinking it might be worth a trip across the pond to conduct a business transaction with one or two of the purveyors, that is, until I read that some of the women were £250 each!

“Mischa” who is pictured here, is listed as just 5′ 4″ tall. At first glance she looks to be about 120 pounds, so I can’t figure out where she hides the extra 130 pounds.