Several hundred jobs will be filled, from assembly to facilities, from logistics and materiel, to office administration and production / technical support. Low-end wage starts at 14 Loonies per hour for production, topping out at 32 Loonies per hour for management.

In addition to competitive wages, RIM jobs offer excellent benefits including affordable family healthcare and individual life insurance.

“The last RIM job I had back in Canada took pretty good care of me and met my family’s needs,” says Pierre LaFoote. “I’m looking forward to applying – and hopefully getting – a new RIM job down in Provo, eh.”

There will be a RIM job fair on August 22nd from 10:00AM – 4:00PM in the cafeteria of the Provo plant location.

NOT from Kyrgyzstan

BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan, June 30, 2010 (WSFB) – Warmer temps and the emergence of the sun have brought out the summer dresses in Kyrgyzstan’s capital city.

The photo at left is NOT one of those dresses.

Kyrgyzstani women are known for several things including weathered facial features, shrinking necklines, and a damn fine borscht. They are not known for showing a lot of skin as is pictured at left and, again, NOT a Kyrgyzstani woman.

The women of Bishkek take pride in their conservative values and show as much in their attire. When the sun comes out, they merely roll up their sleeves, of which they have plenty.

“You can’t milk a goat wearing something like that,” said Ekaterina, a 23-year old farmer’s daughter working the family goat farm in suburban Bishkek when shown the picture above, which was NOT taken in Kyrgyzstan. “I’ve never seen such a dress before. I have underwear bigger than that.”

Ekaterina then pointed out what traditional summer dresses in her region look like, as seen below.

“They’re beautiful, colorful, and quite functional. They protect the skin from the harshness unleashed by the summer sun,” she said. “Our faces may be weathered, but underneath our clothes, even our older female residents look like the woman above when naked. Her face is too supple. She is clearly not from Kyrgyzstan and this picture was NOT taken anywhere near Bishkek.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

There was immediate outage in both countries when news was announced, but the leaders of each nation state that they believe that change is needed. In an afternoon press conference, President Preval stated, “Look at our countries. Shit’s fucked up. The more President Pinera and I drank last night, the more we realized that crazy American bastard, Pat Robertson, was right. Look at our countries fucking name… Haiti. We’re named after fucking hate! We need more love, so from now on our land will be known as Lovi”.

Soon afterwards President Pinera spoke and stated “Our tourism has been awful for many years. This was mainly because everyone in the world thought that our country is cold since it’s named Chile. I can’t help it if the world is a bunch of fucking idiots, but I can help my countries name. Moving forward, we will be known as Hottians because we live in Hotte”.

Reaction from the White House was quick. President Obama made a quick stop in appropriately named, Terre Haute, IN on his “2010 Medical Mayhem” Tour to discuss the odd name changes. President Obama commented, “Although I initially thought the name changes were quite whack, I have learned to “warm” up to them and “love” them.  My staff and I have kicked around the idea of renaming the United States to better reflect our multicultural status to the International United Democracy, but I know the Repubs wouldn’t want that stuck up Capitol Hill..heh…heh”.

Although the proceedings still have many hurdles to clear, both leaders said they feel confident in their decisions and asked the public to “Don’t Haiti. Put A Little Lovi In Your Heart”.

The previously in high demand Eastern European substitute child model has become the least in demand and the model with the highest rate of return for refund due in large part to defective and borderline life-threatening behavioral engineering flaws. The US Department of Human Engineering has uncovered numerous instances of poor workmanship, broken or malfunctioning parts, and entire code libraries missing from personality modules. The end result is a violent, ill-behaved, and often dangerous to themselves and others model of substitute child.

Through the late 1980’s the Soviet era substitute child was known for its stability and obedience. However, after the collapse of Communism and stringent quality control, the model became subject to the influence of entrepreneurs who sought to increase production at the expense of quality. The 2003 model is regarded as the “last of the really not so good” versions and all subsequent models have been fraught with severe psychological defects likely due to rampant fetal alcohol syndrome that plague the surrogate mothers used to initially incubate and foster embryos.

With a staggering 42% of all post-2003 models returned within the first six months, the Eastern European child farming industry is poised for imminent collapse.

In contrast, the Chinese have perfected their substitute child farming model and brought many improvements over their Eastern European competitors with a rock solid behavior protocol and superior etiquette chipset. Offered at a reduced price and in a wide variety of styles, the Chinese model will likely gain market share in the coming months and years.

North Korea is crazy and decides to fire a torpedo into a South Korean warship, sinking it and killing 46 South Korean sailors

North Korea denies firing a torpedo

South Korea knows the North did it because who else besides Al Qaeda would pull that shit in 2010 but decides to hold off on fully blaming them  because they are a rational nation

North Korea denies their shit again

South Korea is pretty much like OK, fuck you, we’re going to pull up this ship and prove you did it using independent investigators

Independent investigators are all “yep, those motherfuckers did it” and then they fist bump South Korea

South Korea is like c’mon Kim Jong, just apologize little man, we know you did it

North Korea is all no way we didn’t do that and to prove it we’re going to threaten war so the international community will calm us down with some free shit

Hillary Clinton visits Japan and the Japanese would have been all “please leave you annoy us” but they don’t  because they’re too polite

North Korea continues to be little, angry and poor

The rearrity, I mean reality, of the situation is that anybody worried more about the threats of a tiny dick country like North Korea more than the ecological disaster occurring in the Gulf of Mexico should check themselves before they wreck themselves.  Especially considering how cool the name of the BP led fix is, “TOP KILL”.  It’s almost like the BP execs met and said “let’s make people think this is a cool fix for our colossal fuck up” .  In fact I dreamed I changed my name to “Top Kill” the other night and in my dream I flew over to North Korea and incinerated Kim Jong Il with my laser vision Superman style.  Then I flew into the Gulf of Mexico and plugged the oil leak with a bunch of dead Taliban terrorists.  Then everyone in the world was like “Oh man, who are you and what’s your favorite website?”  and  I declared “TOOOOPPPPPP KIIIIIILLLLLL  and I only read the West Seattle Funblog, bitches!”

Have a great summer, don’t change!

EZB

Located deep in the Earth’s crust underneath the French-Swiss border, the world’s largest world-destroying device has been offline for repairs during the past 10 months following the catastrophic failure of one of the device’s 1600 superconducting magnets, killing 13, including the media journalist at fault for the failure.

“You don’t dunk a wrench into a magnet’s helium coolant tank just to see if it will shatter when you drop it,” said a CERN press release at the time. “That’s just common sense, or at least all the physicists here thought so.”

Initially, CERN scientists termed the failure a “tragic albeit hilarious accident,” but after a series of increasingly suspicious roadblocks, they have reconsidered.

“First of all there was the demand by the City of Geneva that we cease operations during the winter months so that they can have heat. It’s a ridiculous constraint. They know perfectly well it was their curling iron that caused the 2007 blackout,” CERN spokesman Dark Lord James Gillies told WSFB reporters Friday.

Then, before the scheduled September startup, two lawsuits were filed to stop the launch, claiming the device could create miniature black holes or strangelets that could swallow the planet whole. CERN scientists dismissed the charges as absurd.

“Those cockmonkeys don’t know what they’re talking about. The RHIC in New York creates those [Earth-destroying particles] all the time,” said Dark Lord Gillies. “They just sink quietly to the center of the Earth where they don’t bother anybody. Our mission is to harness that wasted energy and put it to better use.”

As if that wasn’t enough, a March incident in which a saboteur shoved a potato into the beam pipe delayed startup further. “We spent three months cleaning mashed potato out of all 17 miles of pipe,” said Dark Lord Gilles. “Do you know what mashed potato smells like after twelve weeks?”

Most recently, a series of antimatter thefts from the underground facility have left the LHC’s doomsday apparatus, codenamed ATLAS, without fuel. “We thought that storing the antimatter in easy-to-transport 10-kiloton [TNT equivalent] canisters would simplify the loading mechanism,” intoned the Dark Lord. “But it turns out it also makes it very easy to steal.”

Follwing allegations by “some Harvard intellectual” that these thefts were carried out by the Illuminati, scientists have linked the incidents into an orchestrated plot headed by “freelance madmen” intent on keeping the LHC shut down and carrying out planetwide destruction on their own terms.

“We’ve beefed up security considerably since then, and flooded the circular beam track with helium gas to asphyxiate any trespassers. At least we learned that much from the magnet incident,” said Dark Lord Gillies.

“We can’t afford any more delays, because frankly we will never get our demands met if we can’t maintain the fear factor. We’ve already had to push back our ultimatum date into Q4 2012, God forbid we have to push it into 2013.”

“Not that I believe in God,” he quickly added.

Like a defeated samurai in ancient Japan would fall upon his short sword when his shame was too unbearable, Mr. Toyota drove a midnight blue colored Prius with extra thick floormats across the Chuo Expressway, bringing about a silent and honorable death.

Wall Street had a mixed reaction to the move. Early investors interpreted Mr. Toyota’s act as a signal of a renewed commitment to quality and safety.  Other investors were less sure. Kevin Johnson, of Pinto Ventures, a large automobile industry investor group, said “Isn’t that kind of weird? He works for Toyota….and his last name is Toyota? Dude.”

As of July 2009, TwitterPornBots had conquered actual humans in our twitter-realm in terms of followermanship. WSFB was the clear favorite among bots in and around the global pornography industry.

The byproduct of a free and open social networking society means the WSFB has garnered a sizable contingent of TwitterPornBot followers.

However, due to our unrelenting efforts and consistent persistence, we have turned the tables on the TwitterPornBot brigade and have secured a 60% stake in the human twatter market as of October 1st.

While mostly harmless the TwitterPornBots may contain links to sites that harbor malicious code but may also have erotic and titillating profile photos that both stimulate and amuse. It’s a toss up, or off.

A sampling of our actual human follower base shows our popularity to be far reaching, transcending normal sociological borders to include folks such as West Seattle Hardcore, Chow Foods, candidate for King County Executive – Dow Constantine, and that kooky old supercrazy – Charles Manson.

Clearly we have the most broad follower base in the blogosphere and our efforts don’t go ignored.

Please feel free to follow us on the web via Twitter and join the growing diverse ranks of superior human twatters!

The painting, by a little known artist named Leonardo da Vinci, has been relegated to the rear wall in a cafeteria in Milan for almost 500 years and has gone practically unnoticed. That is, until textile worker Fabio Sforkinza noticed something unusual about the painting.

“I was just looking at the painting one day,” Sforkinza said. “It was just another painting of Christ, like all the others. Then, I noticed something. I could see the face of Jesus, plain as day, right there in the middle of the canvas. I fell to my knees and prayed.”

Since Sforkinza’s discovery, Christians from around the world have made the pilgrimage to Milan to lay eyes upon the miraculous appearance of Jesus in a painting of Christ. Kevin Johnson, of Tyler Texas, recently made the trip and was convinced that what he saw in the painting of Christ was none other than Jesus himself.

“I’ve seen Jesus in a Cheeto, a burrito, and a piece of bread. It’s the first time I’ve seen Jesus in something inedible though, and that’s about all I need to know. I don’t care what anyone says, that’s Jesus up there on that painting of Christ.”

http://www.jesuspan.com/

“They can take me away from my home, but they cannot have my hat” declares Zelaya. “There are two things I do without a hat, and being President of Honduras is only one of them, if you know what I’m saying. I also don’t wear a hat when having relations, and by relations I mean sex with my wife.”

Zelaya’s removal was the result of a coup concocted by Honduran elites who feared he was attempting to change their constitution to allow more than a single term, which is the current limit for presidential tenure.

“We don’t need another Hugo Chavez in Latin America” quips Juan de Llardo, Vice-President of the Honduran Project Management Institute. “One of those guys is enough!”

However, concern is growing about what may lay underneath Zelaya’s Stetson Lakota as two of the four Honduran nuclear warheads have been reported as missing and Zelaya was the last person to guard the shoebox that contained them prior to the coup.

“We’re attempting to rule out all other possibilities” says Jose de Huevos Rancheros, Honduran Minister of Nuclear Affairs. “Right now we are just trying to count these things.”

The Stetson Lakota – a 100% wool cowboy hat with a 4 5/8″ crown and 4″ brim – is large and luxurious enough to conceal two Honduran “el loco” class nuclear warheads while simultaneously providing the style, look, and comfort that only Stetson can deliver. The Lakota and all other publicly available Stetson hats can be found at stetsonhat.com.

Stetson. It fits.