Like a defeated samurai in ancient Japan would fall upon his short sword when his shame was too unbearable, Mr. Toyota drove a midnight blue colored Prius with extra thick floormats across the Chuo Expressway, bringing about a silent and honorable death.

Wall Street had a mixed reaction to the move. Early investors interpreted Mr. Toyota’s act as a signal of a renewed commitment to quality and safety.  Other investors were less sure. Kevin Johnson, of Pinto Ventures, a large automobile industry investor group, said “Isn’t that kind of weird? He works for Toyota….and his last name is Toyota? Dude.”

As of July 2009, TwitterPornBots had conquered actual humans in our twitter-realm in terms of followermanship. WSFB was the clear favorite among bots in and around the global pornography industry.

The byproduct of a free and open social networking society means the WSFB has garnered a sizable contingent of TwitterPornBot followers.

However, due to our unrelenting efforts and consistent persistence, we have turned the tables on the TwitterPornBot brigade and have secured a 60% stake in the human twatter market as of October 1st.

While mostly harmless the TwitterPornBots may contain links to sites that harbor malicious code but may also have erotic and titillating profile photos that both stimulate and amuse. It’s a toss up, or off.

A sampling of our actual human follower base shows our popularity to be far reaching, transcending normal sociological borders to include folks such as West Seattle Hardcore, Chow Foods, candidate for King County Executive – Dow Constantine, and that kooky old supercrazy – Charles Manson.

Clearly we have the most broad follower base in the blogosphere and our efforts don’t go ignored.

Please feel free to follow us on the web via Twitter and join the growing diverse ranks of superior human twatters!

The painting, by a little known artist named Leonardo da Vinci, has been relegated to the rear wall in a cafeteria in Milan for almost 500 years and has gone practically unnoticed. That is, until textile worker Fabio Sforkinza noticed something unusual about the painting.

“I was just looking at the painting one day,” Sforkinza said. “It was just another painting of Christ, like all the others. Then, I noticed something. I could see the face of Jesus, plain as day, right there in the middle of the canvas. I fell to my knees and prayed.”

Since Sforkinza’s discovery, Christians from around the world have made the pilgrimage to Milan to lay eyes upon the miraculous appearance of Jesus in a painting of Christ. Kevin Johnson, of Tyler Texas, recently made the trip and was convinced that what he saw in the painting of Christ was none other than Jesus himself.

“I’ve seen Jesus in a Cheeto, a burrito, and a piece of bread. It’s the first time I’ve seen Jesus in something inedible though, and that’s about all I need to know. I don’t care what anyone says, that’s Jesus up there on that painting of Christ.”

http://www.jesuspan.com/

“They can take me away from my home, but they cannot have my hat” declares Zelaya. “There are two things I do without a hat, and being President of Honduras is only one of them, if you know what I’m saying. I also don’t wear a hat when having relations, and by relations I mean sex with my wife.”

Zelaya’s removal was the result of a coup concocted by Honduran elites who feared he was attempting to change their constitution to allow more than a single term, which is the current limit for presidential tenure.

“We don’t need another Hugo Chavez in Latin America” quips Juan de Llardo, Vice-President of the Honduran Project Management Institute. “One of those guys is enough!”

However, concern is growing about what may lay underneath Zelaya’s Stetson Lakota as two of the four Honduran nuclear warheads have been reported as missing and Zelaya was the last person to guard the shoebox that contained them prior to the coup.

“We’re attempting to rule out all other possibilities” says Jose de Huevos Rancheros, Honduran Minister of Nuclear Affairs. “Right now we are just trying to count these things.”

The Stetson Lakota – a 100% wool cowboy hat with a 4 5/8″ crown and 4″ brim – is large and luxurious enough to conceal two Honduran “el loco” class nuclear warheads while simultaneously providing the style, look, and comfort that only Stetson can deliver. The Lakota and all other publicly available Stetson hats can be found at stetsonhat.com.

Stetson. It fits.

“If you were missing a foot, you’d think you’d tell someone about it, right?” said the girl-screaming man, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “Look at me, two feet. If one was suddenly gone? BAM! Phone call. I’m not sure who I’d call, but I have enough minutes on my T-Mobile plan that I’d start hitting some digits. This is just too bizarre.”

The West Seattle Police Department was called to the scene and immediately began crowd dispersal. “Nothing to see here people. One foot in front of the other. Keep ‘em moving.” WSPD also confirmed that this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened.

It has been widely speculated that the foot, as well as previously beached feet, once belonged to members of a Qingdao, China dance troupe. The Stilted Shandongers, named after the province in which Qingdao is located, are notoriously dedicated to their trade. It has been rumored that initiation rites into the group require inductees to “sever their feet and throw them into the sea”. Stilts are then surgically implanted where the feet once were.

Asked if Pacific Ocean currents could feasibly carry severed feet from China to West Seattle, Jarl Cederholm of the Pacific Ocean Observation Party (POOP), replied, “Ja.”

When told of this dance troupe / self-mutilation theory, the baldish foot-finding man stated, “How are you supposed to be a real live action figure and kick someone’s ass if you don’t have any feet? That’s just fucking stupid.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

As the result of a search for “Henry Rollins”, we received the following communication from Angela Bennett who hails from Toronto, Canada.

Angela shares a press release about a global fundraiser she’s involved with in the name of former Black Flag frontman Henry Rollins:

Thanks to Hank.

WANTED: Personal stories from the fans, a.k.a, ‘fanatics’, of Henry Rollins. If Henry Rollins has moved you, inspired you to reach higher, helped you in some way, or just makes your life better by way of knowing he is out there, living art and inspiration, and you are willing to share your story in a future publication of Fanatic Stories of Thanks to Hank, please send your story!

The target goal is to complete the project by February of 2011, Henry’s 50th birthday. All potential proceeds will go to the charity of Henry’s choice.

Fanatic and novice writer, Angela Bennett, commented on the project, “Henry has made such a profound contribution to the lives of many thousands, perhaps even millions of people around the world. He is an inspiration to so many people regardless of age, race, or socioeconomic class. This is an opportunity for fanatics to share their stories with, and thank Henry. During the first week of this project, some really moving stories have come in from across North America, from 16 year olds to 50 year olds, in response to an early post on the internet. It’s one thing to be a fan of a band, or an actor, but often it’s about more than that when it comes to Henry. Henry moves people, he is a catalyst in people’s lives. There’s a quote from The Gift: Imagination and the Erotic Life of Property, by Lewis Hyde, that captures Henry well, “…the gift we long for, the gift that, when it comes, speaks commandingly to the soul and irresistibly moves us.”

People can contact Angela Bennett with questions & stories at bennettangela@rogers.com, or on Facebook (the Angela Bennett with the pic of Henry), or at http://open.salon.com/blog/angelalala. Angela does not work for, or represent Henry Rollins, other than being one of many grateful fanatics in the global neighbourhood.

Contact Angela Bennett with any Henry Rollins related content that meets the needs outlined above. You’ll be glad you did.

“It’s really unfair the way they are treating Conan,” the expectant mother cried as an emergency Red Cross medical technician tested her toes for feeling. Finding none, the teen accepted the grim news then shifted gears to a larger criticism of NBC-Universal corporate policy.

“Lie still,” requested a technician as they checked for signs of life in her baby. Finding signs of life, the technician breathed a sigh of relief and gave the mother-to-be the good news. Delocroix St-Sebastian was incensed.

“How you call that good news, knowing what that awful Jeff Zucker is doing to Late Night television?” she asked through tears. She was then loaded onto a stretcher to be taken to a part of town with less human carnage in order to try and save her legs from amputation.

“I am naming my child Coco in protest to all of this, and will boycott the Tonight Show as long as Jay Leno is on it!” Delocroix St-Sebastian proclaimed as she was carried off on a stretcher by the last two people left alive on her block.

Assistant Secretary of State Kevin Johnson told reporters, “This administration was elected on the promise of greater transparency and open dialogue with the rest of the world. Organizational charts are an extremely effective way to communicate the current and coming organizational structure of the planet. As we continue to fill top positions with extremists, Islamic Jews, Spinal Tap drummers, nanobots, and Illuminati and move the country away from being a free market society and sovereign county and toward an apocalyptic end-time, it will be useful to represent the changes visually.”

Christi Cormier, graphics designer and HR coordinator for the New World Order, says “I think an org chart is an excellent way to keep everyone on the same page as we go through this transition. I mean, it’s not like we are just combining accounts payable with the payroll department or something. We’re talking about eradicating individual rights and eliminating autonomous nation-states and turning a secret cabal of elitists into a single global über-government. I’m thinking of using that adorable “Curlz MT” font in size 10 or 12. Of course I want to make sure that the new country titles and lines of authority are clear…but who says it can’t still be fun!”

Due to an increase in population and development of consumerism around the globe,  Santa Claus recently announced that he would not be able to make all of his toy drops  this Christmas and would need assistance.  Some of his scientist elves at the North Pole alerted him to the issue late last week, citing particular concern with coverage in South America and Northern Asia.

Santa found himself left with little option other than to call Santana and Stalin Claus, who used to be fierce competitors of Santa Claus.  “I did not want to call Stalin, and I didn’t even know how to get a hold of Santana, but nobody else owns a sled capable of this size of delivery, and there are only so many flying reindeer in existence,” Santa told the WSFB.

Prior to Santa Claus gaining the majority of his fame during the 19th century, the industry of delivering toys during Christmas was a violent one. Three different Claus’s (Santa, Santana and Stalin) competed for territory across the globe in order to capitalize on the money and fame that was brought by making children happy.

For a century Santa Claus (representing North America and Europe), Santana Claus (representing South America) and Stalin Claus (Representing most of Northern Asia) met each year over the South Pacific ocean in order to battle each other with their sleds and determine who would deliver toys to emerging nations and civilizations around the planet.   These yearly fights were very violent, with many reindeer and innocent South Pacific islanders dying during the course of action.

While the ultimate prize was increased fame and money, there also were other reasons for the Claus trio to go to war with each other.   The Claus residence at the North Pole, as well as services from the infamous “Mrs. Claus”, were at stake each year. “The Mrs. has been around the block a few times,” Santa said.  “She can’t keep her hands off anyone, not even the elves.”

During the first few decades their battles were quite even, with each Claus winning once every three years, leaving the other participants bloodied, bruised and often near death.  However, as time went on Santa Claus and Stalin Claus became increasingly powerful as their territories and technology grew, while Santana Claus’ territory began to shrink.

Sometime around 1935 Santana Claus stopped coming to the yearly conflict, relinquishing much of his territory to Santa Claus. What happened after this is unclear, but many believe he became heavily involved, and found much success, in the drug trade that was flourishing between South and North America.  He was last photographed in Chile in 1976 and was believed to have gone underground.

With the exodus of Santana Claus, Santa and Stalin Claus were left to battle over the fate of toy delivery world.  While Santa Claus did enjoy fame and money, he also was overly concerned with whether or not the children he delivered toys to were naughty or nice each year, often times demonstrating his hard line stance on the issue by bringing bad children coal, or simply nothing at all during Christmas.  Stalin Claus on the other had was not as judgmental with his delivery process.  However, often times all the children he delivered toys to got the same toy, which kept down on his costs and was in line with his communist ways.  When the production run ended each year Stalin Claus refused to increase his supply, regardless of the demand, yet the money he spent on stockpiling sled weapons grew.  Children with Stalin Claus’ territory found themselves increasingly disappointed each year and often asking their parents if Santa Claus could come instead of Stalin Claus.  This, and a number of sled battle victories by Santa eventually forced Stalin Claus into retirement, leaving Santa Claus as the supreme ruler of December 25th.

Yet now in 2009 Santa Claus has found himself reaching out to his old enemies, and asking them to find their holiday spirit once again to help bring Christmas to children around the globe.  Stalin Claus, while at first suspect at Santa’s motives, agreed to assist Santa after bargaining for “one last night” with Mrs. Claus.  Santa, though reluctant at first, did agree to let Stalin nail Mrs. Claus one last time if he helped him out.

With Stalin Claus recruited, Santa then went out to find Santana Claus.  After hiring multiple private elf investigators Santana was found living in a highly fortified compound in Columbia.  Santana Claus agreed to help this year, as long as he could leverage his route this Christmas to also traffic drugs to some of the nations in South America and Asia.  Santa agreed with Santana’s terms, though he insisted that no drugs be smuggled via the toys destined for children, which Santana eventually conceded to.

Stalin Claus is apparently still somewhat skeptical of the arrangement, issuing a press release in which he declared his “hesitance to fully trust comrade Santa Claus.”  Santana Claus on the other hand is excited to resume a life he gave up nearly 80 years ago. “The only thing I enjoy trafficking more than drugs is toys, and I’m excited to see my Ese’s again,” Santana Claus said.

So this Christmas if you see a Russian or Latin man dressed as Santa in your living room don’t be alarmed, it is likely two old acquaintances of Santa just lending a hand.  And if you’re feeling generous consider leaving goulash and voldka, as well as flat soda and taquitos, next to the cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, as you never know which Claus might land on your roof.

During the ten one-hour sessions, global leaders will discuss ways to return to a “simpler time” when barter and exchangemanship were commonplace.

At the top of the agenda: total elimination of the notion of a customer, and full annihilation of the concept of customer service.

“True equality for everything that’s equal; equality or death” says Fjeld Lendensen of the Scandinavian Haircut Society (who, by the way, only charges $1.00 per side – Scandinavian males only).

Western leaders were not pleased with this plan, brought forward by delegates from Scandinavian countries, but were more open to this plan than those espoused by third world countries that included reparations and “death to everyone with money”.

“We’re mostly interested in getting out from underneath the crushing idea of ‘the customer is always right’, because let’s face it – that’s just not fucking true 100% of the time” says U.S. Delegate Brian Belladonna. “You can please everyone all of the time, but you can sure tell the rest to fuck off.”