What a tool!

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 30, 2010 (WSFB) – Most turned out to see the Beck who has charted mega-hits such as Devil’s Haircut, Loser, and Where it’s at (2 Turntables and a Microphone). Still others came to see guitar god/innovator Jeff Beck (Yardbirds, Jeff Beck Group, Rod Stewart…). All were misled, and pissed off. A handful of FOX-watchers aside, the general consensus among the group was “Let’s pelt him with rocks and garbage!” Their anger was directed toword FOX personality Glenn Beck, a “Loser” with a “Devil’s Haircut” to be sure, but only in a literal sense.

“They called this thing ‘Restoring Honor’,” says one disgruntled music fan and free-thinker. “I think ‘restoring HORSESHIT’ would be more appropriate. How about restoring the time I wasted?? Maybe even restoring complete, HONEST advertising? I guess the lack of amplification backline shoulda given it away. Now I have been photographed here @ GB’s 1,000 Moron Goose-step. This could have severe repercussions in my social, professional, family,  and political life!”

While neither artist could be reached for comment, sources close to both artists have expressed no desire whatsoever to be in any way associated with the blow-hard faux-journalist. “Jeff had gone so far as to consider a name change following the last US tour,” says a long time friend.

FOX entertainer Beck got permits specifically for both the anniversary AND location of Reverend Martin Luther King’s iconic “I have a dream” speech. Apparently Beck, too, had a dream… a dream of a richer, whiter, more corporate America… “Restoring Honor,” huh? Is “honor” really what this douche nozzle is attempting to restore? It all seems like a rather transparent to play upon the racist fears of the uneducated masses calling themselves the “tea-party” by lashing out against the current administration at a conveniently high-profile time and location. I contend the only missing honor is faux-journalist Beck’s, which I doubt he ever had to begin with. And is it really newsworthy… or our responsibility to help or observe him attempting to find???

Well, at any rate, the garbage definitely flew at this event.

In closing, I would like to say that for the record I, too, have a dream:

A dream of this FOX jester Beck meeting up with a similar fate as the iconic leader whose most impacting speech’s anniversary and location he has chosen to jack. Not that I would encourage such behavior, but hypothetically say a dude with two first names and a firearm was to find up with Beck, this blogger would not shed a tear.

DO NOT try to clear the jam!

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 10, 2010 (WSFB) -  In an effort to discourage the routine performance of bodily functions resulting in lost man hours, an emerging technology is making it possible for toilet paper to be even less usable in restrooms nationwide.

Previous innovations include the “one-sheeter”, the “folder”, “the Ripper”, the “80 Grit” the “why is this wet?”,  and now the state of the art… the MUTILATOR!

“Well, when you think about it,” says one ass-kissing mid-management suck-up,”when a worker drops a deuce, we here at Global Mega-Corp are paying for shit.”

“You get what you pay for,” states one restroom using employee, who wishes to remain anonymous.

The device Global Mega-Corp is counting on to stem the tide of number two they pay out for annually:

THE MUTILATOR

Employing a hybrid technology that attacks the toilet paper from numerous angles, the MUTILATOR really lives up to its name!

• a new improved over-sized spindle now features a sharper edge, rendering roll-rotation next to impossible.
• Our proprietary fluid emitted from dispenser onto toilet paper randomly serves to provide suspect moisture, AND to weaken its overall strength and structure.
• Mouth of dispenser now officially too small for even a nine year old sweatshop laborer to clear a jam.
• From above, a roll of razor tape rests atop the dampened roll. In the event that you get it rotating the razor tape provides an entirely new and unique inconvenience.

“We here at Global Mega-Corp are hoping to rein in those lost man hours,” says the ass-kiss, “and the MUTILATOR is going to help!”

Says the restroom user, “Am I wiping my ass or making confetti?? Ah, fuck it: I’ll just settle for using the slightly less inconvenient hand-towel dispenser… at least they are dry!”

The MUTILATOR is scheduled for roll-out later this month.

Several hundred jobs will be filled, from assembly to facilities, from logistics and materiel, to office administration and production / technical support. Low-end wage starts at 14 Loonies per hour for production, topping out at 32 Loonies per hour for management.

In addition to competitive wages, RIM jobs offer excellent benefits including affordable family healthcare and individual life insurance.

“The last RIM job I had back in Canada took pretty good care of me and met my family’s needs,” says Pierre LaFoote. “I’m looking forward to applying – and hopefully getting – a new RIM job down in Provo, eh.”

There will be a RIM job fair on August 22nd from 10:00AM – 4:00PM in the cafeteria of the Provo plant location.

While awaiting final approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission, Craigslist will begin seeding Facebook with its most predominant social networking entities known as “escorts”. These entities have already begun full scale operations on the now 500-million+ user strong Facebook and have friended family networks in an effort to solidify their future customer base.

“When I first received the friend request from Hannah Hotpants I went through our list of mutual friends,” says Yvette Nordstrong of Enumclaw, Washington. “Since we were both friends of Dave Blank, I figured this person was okay to add as a friend.”

Some individuals have been alarmed by the recent surge in unusual friend request and suggestion activity, citing many provocative and borderline racy photographs potentially unsuitable for younger users. Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, assures the user base that this is “just another chapter in the growth pattern of social media” and that “with great growth comes a little discomfort.”

Oil Wells: Tap that!

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 02, 2010 (WSFB) – Proprietors of Hedonism II, the sexually-oriented beach resort chain, claim that they make beaches much dirtier than anything BP, formerly British Petroleum, has come up with in the Gulf of Mexico with their “paltry Deepwater Horzion lube job,” as Hedonsim reps call it.

“Their beaches are made up of muck and gunk,” said Hedonism II CEO, Jurgen Kok. “Our beaches are more solidly grafted in fuck and spunk. Clearly, our beaches are much nastier than anything BP can throw on the sand.” Independent counsel was brought in to assess the situation.

Said Kevin Johnson, lead taste-tester at the Sex On The Beach Foundation based in Bayou LaBatre, LA, “That must be JAM, cuz jelly don’t shake like DAT!”

H2 representatives were quick to back Johnson’s brazenness.

“I can’t prove it,” said Kok, “but I’m pretty sure our guests also spew close to 2 million gallons per day.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Crunch, the top US commander in Volcanica and a senior official in Americas war against The Crunchium Thieves, told reporter Kevin Johnson that his recent meeting with President Obama was a “30 second commercial. I mean, here is the guy who is going to run this fucking war and he looked scared and intimated. The leader of the free world needs to grow a pair of crunch berries, if you catch my drift.”

President Obama was “angry” after reading Crunch’s remarks, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said. “He’s also more than a little bit hungry.”

“Now they’re not illegal,” said President Obama from the first family’s Independence Day Cancun bungalow. “So shut the fuck up.”

Mexico is a much larger country than that depicted in the map seen here. But this is the map the Obama Administration used to determine the new southern border of the United States, so it’s probably good enough for us Funbloggers, too.

Said Kevin Johnson, Obama Press Secretary: “Most of the Mexico our citizens already know is in the Northern half of the country. We know the beaches, the border crossings, and the Alaska and Delta Airlines flights that get us there. How handy would it be if they were part of the U.S. and we could all use American dollars and cross freely? That’s the point behind this remarkable piece of legislation. That and getting rid of this illegal alien problem.”

In Texas, the general consensus is more based on the weather.

“We’ve been part of Meh-hee-co for purt near all time, so this doesn’t do much for us in terms of who’s here and who’s not,” said Texas Lieutenant Governor, Bubba Pearl. “But this is surely gonna fuck up our weather. We’ve been a southern-most state and vacation destination for some time now. This lowereing of the southern border is likely to bring icy wind and snow. We don’t have mountains that can support skiing and snow-sports to the point of benefiting from this. Folks are now going to flock to the southernmost states of North Mexico, whatever the fuck those states are gonna be called.”

Johnson addressed this issue. “We’re leaning towards Americanizing Northern Mexico’s new state names,” he said. “Chihuahua, Coahuila, and Tamaulipas sound a little too…. Mexican for our tastes. We’re leaning in the direction of New Texas, Southern Southern California, Old New Mexico in Old Mexico, and Michelle. That last one was handpicked by the President and has lovely, sandy beaches.”

Addressing the protocol for annexation, Johnson said,”Considering the U.S military is tied up in Afghanistan and Iraq for the foreseeable future, we don’t anticipate military action to enforce the annexation. In fact, with the budget cuts, we only printed this law in English and didn’t really expect the Mexicans to understand it or even care. But they responded, surprisingly, and their response came in Spanish, which no one in the State Department can read.”

“This really is a quagmire,” mused Johnson. “It’s become a war of words that no one can win.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Mr. Ed Does Dallas

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July 12, 2010 (WSFB) – Startling new photographic evidence has surfaced which may reopen the investigation into the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. The photos are said to make the Zapruder film look old and grainy. The photos surfaced here in West Seattle and may exonerate Lee Harvey Oswald after almost five decades.

The photos show that Mr. Ed, beloved talking horse star of 1960’s television, was in the school book depository at the time of JFK’s death.

No one is certain why Mr. Ed would kill the President, but rumors persist to this day that the equine had a drug problem during his Hollywood days and was rumored to have been secretly involved with Marilyn Monroe. It is said that Mr. Ed didn’t approve of Monroe’s breathy rendition of “Happy Birthday” sung to JFK. He is further said to have become enraged and commenced a month-long horse pill bender in which the assassination plan was hatched.

The Warren Commission is not likely to be re-established to investigate as no one really cares about who killed JFK anymore. Funblog Leader Luigi Linguini has offered to open his own investigation, run by his nephew, Warren.

When asked his thoughts on possibly having his name cleared after all of this time, Oswald said nothing. Because he’s dead, because Jack Ruby shot him. When asked if he would put a guilt trip on Jack Ruby for wrongfully shooting him, Oswald once again said nothing. We here at the West Seattle Funblog take Oswald’s silence as a clear and definitive ”yes”.

Further quotes on the  matter by noteworthy heads of state:

President Barack Obama: “They shoot horses, don’t they? I guess horses shoot people too. The secret service has begun watching the movements of Trigger and Flicka. I feel mostly, naaaaaaaay, totally safe.”

Former President Fidel Castro: “Funblogging no es un crimen.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

NOT from Kyrgyzstan

BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan, June 30, 2010 (WSFB) – Warmer temps and the emergence of the sun have brought out the summer dresses in Kyrgyzstan’s capital city.

The photo at left is NOT one of those dresses.

Kyrgyzstani women are known for several things including weathered facial features, shrinking necklines, and a damn fine borscht. They are not known for showing a lot of skin as is pictured at left and, again, NOT a Kyrgyzstani woman.

The women of Bishkek take pride in their conservative values and show as much in their attire. When the sun comes out, they merely roll up their sleeves, of which they have plenty.

“You can’t milk a goat wearing something like that,” said Ekaterina, a 23-year old farmer’s daughter working the family goat farm in suburban Bishkek when shown the picture above, which was NOT taken in Kyrgyzstan. “I’ve never seen such a dress before. I have underwear bigger than that.”

Ekaterina then pointed out what traditional summer dresses in her region look like, as seen below.

“They’re beautiful, colorful, and quite functional. They protect the skin from the harshness unleashed by the summer sun,” she said. “Our faces may be weathered, but underneath our clothes, even our older female residents look like the woman above when naked. Her face is too supple. She is clearly not from Kyrgyzstan and this picture was NOT taken anywhere near Bishkek.”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

In simulcasts on its television, radio, and online broadcasts, Fox News said, “according to a top official with the universe, every bad thing that is happening now or ever has happened or ever will happen is directly attributable to the socialistic, Muslim, un-American, freedom hating, Mexican loving imposter, Barack Obama.” Fox News said the official could not be identified because he did not have authorization to speak on behalf of the universe.

Fox News, however, was happy to speak on behalf of the universe and presumably does believe it has such authorization. “It is Obama’s fault that we are in Iraq and Afghanistan. It is his fault that oil is spilling into the Gulf of Mexico. The sluggish economy is also all his fault. That horrible call in the US soccer match against Slovenia? Obama. Hunger? Obama. Obesity? Obama. Measles? Obama. The policies of this administration led directly to the American Civil War, the French and Indian War, both World Wars, the Korean Conflict, and Vietnam. Yesterday a 66 year old woman in India gave birth to triplets. Who do you think did that?”

Some observers have suggested that Fox News might be somewhat biased towards conservative political ideology in its reporting. Fox News denied such allegations, saying “We are fair and balanced. Look. It’s right there in our tag line.”