Luigi Linguini once wrote, “If you’re going to cross the bridge, then really cross the bridge.”

Funblogger Pete Seazle (no relation to this reporter) was enlisted for the mission. Long story short, its been deemed “an utter failure” by the Blogfathers with no future plans to resurrect the program.

“In light of the success and stagnant growth of the Austin Chapter, Funblog Brass decided that Boston could be fertile ground to sow new seeds, based strictly on the fact that the names of the two cities rhyme,” said Seazle. “Dukakis and Bentsen tried it in ‘88 under the Boston-Austin banner. It failed. We kinda forgot about that.”

Recruiting was attempted in areas that included Copley Square, the convention center and theater districts, the area formerly known as “The Combat Zone”, and the campus of MIT.  Reactions varied, but only in the level of disinterest.

Said Sean McGillicutty, approached at the infamous Black Rose Tavern, “Are yoo fuckin’ lookin’ at me, yoo fuckin’ douchebag? Yoo some kinda fuckin’ fag or what? Fuckin’ wise guy.”

With Seazle’s heterosexuality reiterated, re-reiterated, and subsequently somewhat comprehended, McGillicutty went on to say, “Yoo’re still a fuckin’ tool. Now, piss off wit’yah before I dump this here fuckin’ chowdah on ya fuckin’ head, ya fuckin’ cahck.”

Efforts to garner support outside the Westin Copley under the smoking heater lamp were equally futile. “I flew in from Wiscaaaahnsin for the Seafood Show, yah know? I don’t know nuthin’ bout yah little bloggidy-boopity-doo, kay? Now get on wit’ yahself and let me finish cuttin’ my butt in peace, kay” said Linda Fernpepper of Madison, WI.

It should be noted that Fernpepper was rather portly, had feathered hair, and sported some unusually wide acid-washed jeans. She also reeked of fried shrimp.

Next up: MIT!

Prakash Krishnaraj is a student from India. Seazle caught up with him at the Rotch / Rotch Visual Collections Libray on campus.

“You’re not funny. You’re not smart.  You live 3048.67 miles away and have no relevance to what we do here,” said Krishnaraj. “You talk too loudly in a library and you reek of beer. Now go away.”

Plans for an exploratory mission to Mumbai and basically anywhere else have also been scrapped. Recruitment efforts have been refocused to locations WEST of the bridge.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Citing biological research into systems that become overloaded with one species, Grubersteinenmen asserts that it is more of the ecosystem attempting to balance itself than any real error of the car company. “I started looking into the crash data and was stuck by how elitest the cars were that were crashing, and I started thinking how I couldn’t throw a bag of Mickey D’s out the window without hitting a Liberal these days. From there it was simply a case of fitting the data to my assumption.”

“As most polls show, we are a right-of-center nation,” writes blogger Black River Wolf from the bastion of common sense, Red State.

“There are too many liberals in the world. They are in overwhelming numbers. Their sickness eats away at the fabric of the universe every day. They infest every area of government, media and all elements of the public sector. There is no escape from the liberal plague, ” opines Canadian Lib_Exposer on the internet behemoth youthink.

“As you can see,” Grubersteinenmen continues, “the country is overrun with a plague of liberals, and any time you get a plague you will see environmental limiting factors kicking in. So the fact that these cars are crashing and whatnot indicates not shoddy workmanship, poor design and unresponsive corporate execs totally asleep at the switch, but the environment itself acting to rebalance itself.”

“I have been saying it since the first reports came out. The only way to prevent these horrific crashes is to lower the number of liberals,” says social scientist Aden Mitler. “We have a moral imperative to get the liberals together in a camp-like setting and humanely but firmly reduce their numbers. Only then will we see a stop to these totally avoidable car crashes.”

Ohio Senator John Boner Boehner insists that there is a tie-in between this issue and the contentious health care debate. “We’ve known all along that the only way to deal with these car crashes is to mitigate the number of liberals. That is why we oppose getting health care to the poor, because we all know that poor people (especially the dark ones) are liberal, and therefore the more who do not receive health care and die, the safer our highways and roads will be.”

“Who will think of the poor corporations? ” asked Sarah Palin, the One Woman Think Tank , “No one seem to have though about the feelings of the Toyotas, the Exxons, the Haliburtons…We need to let the Free Market work without a government takeover of our ecosytems balancing proper. Also.”

Who will think of the corporations? Indeed.

Said Kevin Johnson, Chief Prosecutor with the Los Angeles division of the U.S. Department of Justice, “They set the benchmark for setting a course for adventure. Never before have we seen such blatant crimey-ness. They did it on national television, right in front of our faces, and they did it for real. These two shows should be recognized as the first wave of Reality TV. Soon they’ll be making another run, alright. A run straight to prison.”

At the forefront of the scheme were the two major players: Captain Merrill Stubing and Mr. Roark. Both were the alleged drug kingpins in the scheme that trafficked drugs via air to ship to land, infiltrating the U.S. and Canada with an estimated 500 tons of popular street drugs throughout the late seventies and early eighties, including Cocaine (street names: California cornflakes, Foo Foo Dust, Society High), Marijuana (Aunt Mary, Colorado Cocktail, Green Goddess), Quaaludes (‘ludes), and Heroin (Hi, Courtney Love!).

Unknown to most viewers, The Love Boat was actually cruising to Fantasy Island on every episode, where it would pick up a shipment of drugs that had been dropped from an airplane. This may account for the overzealous reaction of Tattoo on every episode, anxiously awaiting the drug drop and uttering those famous words, “Ze Plane, Ze Plane”. From there, the Love Boat would sell drugs onboard the ship and then distribute the rest on its return back to the U.S.

Furthered Johnson, “We believe that the proceeds from these deals allowed Mr. Roark to continuously supply his own addiction to fine Corinthian leather.”

According to the DEA, the major players in the ring were:

Captain Stubing and Mr. Roarke – trafficking ringleaders.

Tattoo – communications officer between air and land; linguist

Dr. “Doc” Adam – overseer of overdoses or drug related maladies.

Gopher - Drug runner…. it wasn’t just a clever name.

Isaac -  Logistics, Personnel, DJ, and Bartender

Julie McCoy – on-board party organizer, known for drug and sex-themed parties such as “The High Seas” and “Coco Puffs and Coladas”.

Vicki Stubing (Captain Stubing’s daughter) – child prostitute / coke whore.

Upon arrest, Captain Stubing commented, “It took you guys long enough to figure this out. As if people would really go on a cruise just for love. It was the 70’s and 80’s, man. It was all about Coke and Ludes, big hair, big shoulder pads, and partying like it was 1999.”

“That was some good shit, ya betcha,” said former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin when asked about the Love Boat’s one Alaska run. “I remember looking west, keeping an eye on those commie bastards from Russia, and that boat would obscure my view. Maybe we should consider charges of hindering national defense, too, ya? I wonder if Isaac is related to Obaaaaaaama….”

All members of the syndicate are currently being held until bail is set at Aaron Spelling’s luxury mansion in Beverly Hills. Calls to the mansion by the WSFB were taken by Torii Spelling and typically involved her asking this reporter what she was wearing.

“We’re sick and tired of not really having anything to protest about,” says event organizer Kevin Johnson. “Oops,” added Johnson, “I just ended a sentence with a preposition. That’s exactly the kind of mediocrity that has us so ambivalent! Our school system let me graduate using that kind of imperfect but not atrocious grammar, yet taught me enough to know that it’s incorrect. Where is the injustice of that? What are we supposed to protest about…sorry, about what are we supposed to protest?”

Added Johnson, “This Administration calls itself ‘progressive.’ We stand here today united against progress of any kind. Comrade Obama needs to understand: we’re here, we’re queer, and we have entirely too much discretionary time and money. Oh wait. We’re not queer. Well, Steve maybe, but not the rest of us.”

Like a defeated samurai in ancient Japan would fall upon his short sword when his shame was too unbearable, Mr. Toyota drove a midnight blue colored Prius with extra thick floormats across the Chuo Expressway, bringing about a silent and honorable death.

Wall Street had a mixed reaction to the move. Early investors interpreted Mr. Toyota’s act as a signal of a renewed commitment to quality and safety.  Other investors were less sure. Kevin Johnson, of Pinto Ventures, a large automobile industry investor group, said “Isn’t that kind of weird? He works for Toyota….and his last name is Toyota? Dude.”

As of July 2009, TwitterPornBots had conquered actual humans in our twitter-realm in terms of followermanship. WSFB was the clear favorite among bots in and around the global pornography industry.

The byproduct of a free and open social networking society means the WSFB has garnered a sizable contingent of TwitterPornBot followers.

However, due to our unrelenting efforts and consistent persistence, we have turned the tables on the TwitterPornBot brigade and have secured a 60% stake in the human twatter market as of October 1st.

While mostly harmless the TwitterPornBots may contain links to sites that harbor malicious code but may also have erotic and titillating profile photos that both stimulate and amuse. It’s a toss up, or off.

A sampling of our actual human follower base shows our popularity to be far reaching, transcending normal sociological borders to include folks such as West Seattle Hardcore, Chow Foods, candidate for King County Executive – Dow Constantine, and that kooky old supercrazy – Charles Manson.

Clearly we have the most broad follower base in the blogosphere and our efforts don’t go ignored.

Please feel free to follow us on the web via Twitter and join the growing diverse ranks of superior human twatters!

The painting, by a little known artist named Leonardo da Vinci, has been relegated to the rear wall in a cafeteria in Milan for almost 500 years and has gone practically unnoticed. That is, until textile worker Fabio Sforkinza noticed something unusual about the painting.

“I was just looking at the painting one day,” Sforkinza said. “It was just another painting of Christ, like all the others. Then, I noticed something. I could see the face of Jesus, plain as day, right there in the middle of the canvas. I fell to my knees and prayed.”

Since Sforkinza’s discovery, Christians from around the world have made the pilgrimage to Milan to lay eyes upon the miraculous appearance of Jesus in a painting of Christ. Kevin Johnson, of Tyler Texas, recently made the trip and was convinced that what he saw in the painting of Christ was none other than Jesus himself.

“I’ve seen Jesus in a Cheeto, a burrito, and a piece of bread. It’s the first time I’ve seen Jesus in something inedible though, and that’s about all I need to know. I don’t care what anyone says, that’s Jesus up there on that painting of Christ.”

http://www.jesuspan.com/

“They can take me away from my home, but they cannot have my hat” declares Zelaya. “There are two things I do without a hat, and being President of Honduras is only one of them, if you know what I’m saying. I also don’t wear a hat when having relations, and by relations I mean sex with my wife.”

Zelaya’s removal was the result of a coup concocted by Honduran elites who feared he was attempting to change their constitution to allow more than a single term, which is the current limit for presidential tenure.

“We don’t need another Hugo Chavez in Latin America” quips Juan de Llardo, Vice-President of the Honduran Project Management Institute. “One of those guys is enough!”

However, concern is growing about what may lay underneath Zelaya’s Stetson Lakota as two of the four Honduran nuclear warheads have been reported as missing and Zelaya was the last person to guard the shoebox that contained them prior to the coup.

“We’re attempting to rule out all other possibilities” says Jose de Huevos Rancheros, Honduran Minister of Nuclear Affairs. “Right now we are just trying to count these things.”

The Stetson Lakota – a 100% wool cowboy hat with a 4 5/8″ crown and 4″ brim – is large and luxurious enough to conceal two Honduran “el loco” class nuclear warheads while simultaneously providing the style, look, and comfort that only Stetson can deliver. The Lakota and all other publicly available Stetson hats can be found at stetsonhat.com.

Stetson. It fits.

The truth is this fucking thing has the ability to kill you and everyone around you. Dead.

Let’s step back from the organically sustainable section at your local organic green market shoppe, and take a good hard look at this deeply lobed assassin.

Scenario #1 – Picnic

You’re at the park with your family. Your picnic basket contains an array of delectable treats, including a freshly blanched artichoke. You’re standing while you prepare the table to receive your food items, when one of your children comes running up to you and you spiral around to grab the mayonnaise when you lance the poor child in the jugular vein and inflict mortal injury.

Scenario #2 – Sunday Dinner

You’re hosting a Sunday dinner. Aunt Fleaux from Boca Raton is in town and you decided to make a special dish; artichoke Parmesan dip. You’re in the kitchen, getting ready to prepare the uncooked artichoke when Aunt Fleaux enters the room unbeknown to you, and grabs you by the waist. You spiral around in fright, the artichoke stem firmly in your iron grip, and project the steely thistle into the belly of Aunt Fleaux causing her irreparable intestinal damage from which she later expires.

Scenario #3 – Those People

In this final scenario, you’re in the kitchen preparing an all artichoke dinner while  looking out the window that faces your street. You notice two of those people coveting your mailbox area and you decide to investigate. Because you’re in a fight or flight state of mind, you’ve still got the raw artichoke in your hand and you’re holding it like a dagger. You approach those people and say, “what’s all this then?”. They immediately flee towards Whiskey Woods and you do not give chase. Instead, you abruptly turn to go back into the house when you impale your neighbor Bob in the groin with your artichoke as he had come out to see what was going on and to assist you if necessary. You see, Bob is very tall and his groinal region is about elbow-level to you and well, it was an accident after all. Bob is not seriously injured, but he may as well be dead after having a raw artichoke jammed into his crotchal area omfg can you imagine the pain.

Clearly you can see the potential life threatening and reproductive  organ defecting capability of the modern artichoke. Don’t you think it’s about time you find another kind of thistle to eat?