The West Seattle Funblog &#187; Classifieds

Classifieds: Free To Good Home ~ Pet Frog

Pete Seazle — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 12:39:24 +0000

I have a male frog that hit puberty and has been out of control ever since. I’m a 73-year-old woman and just don’t have the knowledge, energy, or ability to care for a pet exploring its sexuality and has…. such unorthodox desires, to say the least.

He’s quite fond of salami, knackwurst, bacon, and any pork product. Looking for a good home with owners that can assist my little green man in conforming to society’s parameters.

Fuck it; just get this horny bastard out of my hair before I sell his skinny little ass to a Cajun restaurant. Good home, nothin’; free to ANY home!

Classifieds ~ For Sale: The Meatcase™

Pete Seazle — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 12:20:36 +0000

Ever been accused of smuggling wieners or been invited to a Sausage Fest? How the hell are you supposed to transport large quantities of meat?

The Meatcase™, that’s how!

This handsome case is made of a space age polymer and plastic composite that is virtually indestructible. Within the walls of the case is a freezable gel. Just throw this bad boy into the freezer prior to use and the freshness of your meat won’t be beat.

Various sized slots provide the perfect fit for your Salami, Cervelat, Knackwurst, Bockwurst, and Boudin Blanc. Also comes with an ergonomically designed Meat Hammer (not pictured).

Email Pete@westseattlefunblog.com to place your order!

Classifieds ~ Concert Tix Available

Pete Seazle — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 12:16:21 +0000

Available: Several pairs of concert tickets for an upcoming event at Benaroya Hall next month. Local West Seattleite and Internationally reknowned cellist Yo MaMa will perform her favorite Beatles songs.

Not to be confused with cellist Yo Yo Ma, Yo MaMa is a cellist as well as a clothing desinger and will be displaying her handmade wares in Paris this spring. For each musical piece performed at the concert, she will model a unique dress, like that seen at left, that was crafted on her Photoshop SewMaster. Contact the West Seattle Funblog for details on how to get tickets.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Classifieds ~ Wanted: Quality Dating Material

Pete Seazle — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 14:50:21 +0000

Wanted: Just one damn quality date. Do you know how hard it is to find a normal person? Set ups by friends usually fail. And blind dates usually go like a recent one I went on, as evidenced by this picture.

I’m a good person. I’m funny. I’m intelligent. My mom tells me these things all the time. But a quality date? I mean check this loser out! She wasn’t even impressed with my Rubik’s Cube mastery!

Someone please shoot me.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com

Classifieds ~ Seamstress Available For Hire

Pete Seazle — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 17:52:26 +0000

Wanted: Seamstress position. Have 5 years experience. Ran my own home business in which I brought my services directly to customers’ homes and offices.

Bonus skill: can mend clothing while still being worn. Made yellow dress shown in picture with my Photoshop SewMaster (click pic to see detail).

Have excellent oral skills, know how to follow instructions, and specialize in zippers and crotch repair. Very limber for even the most difficult jobs.

Classifieds: Swimming Lessons For Dogs

Pete Seazle — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 18:11:13 +0000

Did you hear about the family in Atlanta who had a backyard BBQ around their swimming pool? One of the children started to drown; prompting a lively discussion among the adults which resulted in the consensus that no one knew how to swim.

Fortunately, Leonard Pope, a locked-out NFL tight end with the Kansas City Chiefs was on hand and saved the boy.

People, the same thing could happen to your dog.

For the low low price of $79.99 I’ll teach your dog to swim. We’ll pick your pooch up, take him to our secret Olympic Quality Aquatic Center (OQAC), and return your dog a happy, tired, and seasoned swimmer! All in 4 short hours!

(Disclaimer: Your dog may be wet upon return from OQAC.)

Not sure if your dog is the most succulent kibble in the bag? Not a problem. Some dogs will forget how to swim, but refresher courses are available for the low, low price of $89.99!

Teaching a dog to swim is no simple task. But our certified* instructors can handle the task, no matter the size or age of your dog.

Classifieds: Etch-A-Sketch For Sale

Pete Seazle — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 12:51:56 +0000

FOR SALE: One vintage Etch-A-Sketch that I drew a sexy picture on. I promise not to shake it up and trace my junk again before you come pick it up.

$50: As Is.

$15: if it’s an outline of my junk.

It could happen…

Classifieds: Lothario Manning Tube Tops

Pete Seazle — Thu, 26 May 2011 14:51:06 +0000

"Issa still tuba top, no? So confuse...." ~ Lothario

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, May 26, 2011 (WSFB) - There seems to have been a little language barrier thing happening with Lothario when he ran he Shorta Shorts and Tuba Tops piece yesterday.

But we here at your West Seattle Funblog are entrepreneurs and saw a golden opportunity.

Introducing the Lothario Manning Tube Top!

This garment says “West Seattle Pride” like nothing since Guppies was still open for business and is already very popular in Sicily for some damn reason.

Each Lothario Tube Top is made of 100% unshrunk cotton in a “one-size fits all” specification to allow for maximum shrinkage (i.e. “better fit”) after washing. The image of Lothario wearing sunglasses will be proudly nestled in the middle of your Junction Quality Cleavage for all to see.

This design was chosen by committee (Luigi, Pete, and Lothario) and beat out the version in which there were TWO Lotharios, one on each breast.

“That version,” said Lothario, “she made Lothario looka like the boob. Twice. Issa no verrrr nice for Lothario.”

Lothario Tube Tops can only be purchased at West Seattle Funblog events. We had an online PayPal feature ready to roll out, but Lothario shot it down.

“Each image of Lothario must be properly sized anna placed inna person,” said Lothario. “And a full Funbag analysis must be performed forra this to happen. Bring-a you Funbags! Issa verrrr nice time, no?!”

Junction Quality Cleavage is very nice. Indeed.

Classified Personals: M4W

Pete Seazle — Wed, 18 May 2011 12:44:08 +0000

MEAN DRUNK SEEKS DOORMAT WOMAN.

I’m a White Center resident, 52 years-old and goddammit I’m an alcoholic if you must know, you nosy little bitch. You got somethin’ else to say about that? I’ll pop you in the fuckin’ mouth, sweet cheeks’!

Anyhoo, my names Donald and I’m recently single and lookin’ for a little sump’n sump’n to tide me over until I get hitched again. I’m not sayin’ you have to be wife material, but you should good and goddamn well know yer place. I like corn dogs, cold beer, Marlboro Reds, and porn. You better not have no back fat neither, cuz I like to have a nice stable place for my ashtray while I’m gettin’ my lovin’ on.

You should be purdy and have most of your teeth. Any that get in the way and hurt my manhood will likely get knocked out if you don’t get me a goddamn corn dog and but quick! If you got any family, they need to live far away, cuz I don’t like company.

If you don’t know who Vince McMahon is, you probably shouldn’t reply. Hell, if you don’t know Vince, you probably can’t read none too good neither, so I just wasted four bucks on this paragraph. Bitch, gimme five bucks!

I don’t have a phone, so you can’t call me. But I’m usually at Marv’s Broiler by 2:00. If I’m not there, I’m at Stan’s Adult Superstore and I’ll be right back, so you better show some fuckin’ patience!

Come on down and buy me a drink, little lady. And don’t skimp with no well bourbon. I’ll pop you in the fuckin’ fuckhole, woman.