For Sale: Car with unusually low mileage.
This royal blue 2007 Prius is a steal at $12,850. It doesn’t have a single door ding like most 4-year old vehicles. And with only 22 actual miles on the odometer, you know this baby is clean. This Prius comes with a limited 2-year, 50-mile bumper-to-bumper warranty. All-weather tires [...]

Customers Wanted:
The new Na-Il Na-Il Nail Salon at Roxbury and 14th Ave SW now has custom nail graphic artist Lindsay Lohan on staff. She’s revamping her life and wants to take care of your nails, as well as those of Your Mom!
“I’m not quite ready to take on new customers yet, but that day is [...]

For Sale: Judas Iscariot Penis Pancake Pans
You’ve seen the cookware that can imprint lifelike Jesus images on your food (www.jesuspan.com), but those are so 2009.
You can now go a full 180° by pimping Judas Iscariot, the disciple who turned Jesus in to die at the Romans’ hands, with the new Judas Iscariot Penis Pancake Pan!
Face it, Jesus [...]

Are you sick of your 9 to 5 job working for the man? Have you ever wanted to be your own boss? Do you have an affinity for sweets in general and gum in specific?
This is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. The makers of Camel Balls Bubble Gum are seeking distributors in Western Washington.
“These [...]

FOR SALE: 2010 Model Depression Bed.
Ever wanted to just curl up and die? Ever curled up to die in your own bed and thought maybe your curling up/dying performance wasn’t up to snuff? Ever gone even deeper into depression because of your CU&D posture?
Well cry no more, at least not over your form. The all [...]

For Pre-Sale: Locally made wine glass openers.
A fine wine needs to breathe, to let out the storage gasses and allow the flavors to commingle, to aerate. But allowing wine to breathe in the bottle just doesn’t suffice. The opening is too small; it’s like doing coke through a coffee straw versus one of those honkers [...]

A true English double-action classic from 1975. Has been used liberally by the owner but only in the evenings. This hand-held beauty has a clean, smooth finish and evokes a warm rich tone (an almost whimsical groan) as it is pulled in and out. Buttons are spaced nicely and will accommodate even the largest hands for high-energy [...]

For Sale: Stress-Tested Bed
This orthopedic queen-sized beauty is available for your back-supporting nighttime needs. Tested extensively for support, durability, and comfort, this bed is not only reliable, but comes with a mandatory/optional photo-spread of use by the previous owners.
Pictured above, the previous owners were exchange students who studied so much they had little time to sleep [...]

FOR SALE: 6P9CK Abs©
The sun is out, the beach is calling, and you’re about to reveal your ginormous gut to the masses. You don’t have time to work out, but you want to look good for the ladies and gents!
6P9CK Abs© is the answer!
Each set comes with six patented 6P9CK Abs© containers filled with your favorite [...]

WANTED: Male/Female to exercise and couple swap with. Must be extremely fit and preferably spray-tanned to resemble a roasted turkey. Blondes preferred; bleached or highlighted hair acceptable. Bonus if male has bleached boy-band hair. Bonus if female has Brazilian bikini wax AND acrylic nails. Us: fun, fit, vegan, robot-faced (male). You: fun, fit, no aversions [...]