My best friend started dating my ex-girlfriend. Should I ever speak to him again?

Bouncer:

I’m very disappointed in both of you. Not mad. Just disappointed. I guess I expected more from the two of you.

I’m going to start with you, since you’re within arm’s reach. (Metaphorically speaking)

What the hell are you thinking? You’re making this a big deal and I’m trying for the life of me to understand why. You dated a girl. Maybe you dated her seriously. Maybe you lived together. Hell, maybe you were even engaged. But things didn’t work out right? Maybe she dumped you for all those nights she got called to come to the bar to pick up her blacked-out drunk boyfriend. Or maybe you kicked her to the curb for catching her in the kitchen of your favorite local pub making out with one (or more) of the Mexican cooks. Or maybe it just didn’t work out and you guys mutually decided to end it. Either way, I have a hard time comprehending why you can’t just forget this girl and move on. There are so many other women out there, why are you wasting even a moment of needless thought on this one?

And now for your best friend:

Hey, listen best friend, I don’t even know you but I already feel like you’re kind of an insecure douche bag that would probably be well-served by having a meaty hand slapped across the side of your head on principle. However, since you’re OUT of arm’s reach (metaphorically and literally speaking) you’re going to get away with a stern look of disapproval. Ready? Here it is: …

Seriously, though. Are you intentionally trying to fuck over your buddy because you’re mad or upset about something he did? Or do you feel that your options for actually getting a semi-legit girl on your own are so poor that you have to walk into the Good Will of relationships and pick up your best friend’s used girlfriend? Did she give you some line saying that she always liked you better and was dating your friend to get to you? Or maybe she said that your friend turned out not to be the right kind of guy for her, but since you and her had hung around so much, she realized she had fallen madly in love with you?

Dude, women are bat-shit crazy self-serving manipulative liars and I truly love them for that. But you can’t be letting yourself get all caught up in this after school special brand of high school drama. There are so many women out there, why are you wasting even a moment of needless thought on this one?

Since you guys seem to be failing to grasp basic relationship 101 stuff here, I’ve come up with a new easy-to-follow rule for you: If you and your friends meet a new chick and the first guy she makes out with isn’t you, just write her off.

A guy makes out with a girl for the first time because either a) he asked her out and they went out on a date, or b) she is an insecure attention whore who is happy to make out with random guys at a bar to get the attention she craves so badly.

If one of your buddies has gone on a date with a girl, that’s great. You should move her into the friendzone and never consider her a romantic option in the future. Look around, there are millions of other single girls out there, go pursue them.

If one of your buddies just had a little drunken make-out session with a girl at the bar, this girl is an attention whore. If you have any self-respect, you will steer well clear around this girl, because it’s only a matter of time before her attention addiction is going to make her start doing other things to get the spot light focused back on her. Namely, trying to make out with you or a different friend of yours, while complaining how the first guy was trying to “mark his territory” and how she only wanted to be friends.

Personally, any girl who might be interested in me is going to certainly forfeit her one and only shot if the first thing I see her do is start making out with a random town drunk. If you truly want a shot at the title sweetheart, you need to posses enough self-respect to keep your tongue from slipping down other guy’s throats for at least the first couple of times we meet.

But back to your question: One hand, your buddy is a douche and you are a douche. On the other, Bro’s before ho’s is how the saying goes. But really, since you’re both douches, just move on and find a less douchy friend instead. Maybe he’ll rub off on you and make you less of a douche as well.

Blonde:

I mean, you don’t have to be all melodramatic about it. But he sounds like a douche, so probably not.

Look, I understand guys and girls are WAY different when it comes to “codes”. With girls, even having a passing thought regarding a man and mentioning it to one of your girlfriends automatically makes that man off-limits to her. You can simply think a guy is “hot”, like, “Ohhh. Our waiter is fucking hot. He has a nice ass”, and all of a sudden there is an invisible sign on his forehead saying “taken”. Sure, girls break these rules all the time, which is why girls are so fucking annoying. None of the rules make sense, there are too many, and nobody follows them. There are some solid groups of girlfriends out there who actually give a shit about each other, but more times than not I just see a bunch of sluts who hang out and would turn on each other in half a second if the right opportunity arose.

With dudes, it’s different. In fact, most of the time dudes don’t care if their friend has their leftovers. We all know “that girl”, the one who’s fucked the whole group. Guy codes tend to be much less limiting. Still, one thing remains the same with men and women: your best friend is simply as it sounds. The friend you like the best. The BEST one. Out of all of them, this is the friend in which you share a mutual, extra special bond.

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that your best friend is not allowed to date your ex. Ever. In my opinion, it is the ultimate betrayal. As a best friend, you are instantly no longer allowed to EVER feel ANYTHING for your best friend’s significant other or ex. If a sexual thought even crosses your mind about this person, you immediately have to say ten Hail Mary’s. This person becomes platonic to you. No matter how hot they may be, you are never to cross that line. Dating your best friend’s ex is not only fucking shitty, but it is proof to your best friend that the whole time they dated this person, you secretly had some creepy little crush on them.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

So I recently started seeing this girl and things are going great. The problem is I got a call from a girl I’ve been chasing for a year, and she wants to hang out. How should I handle this untimely turn of events?

Bouncer:

An old police Sergeant I used to work with had a favorite, if politically incorrect, truism he was always fond of sharing. “Women are predators.”

I didn’t really understand what he meant at first, but after a while it finally dawned on me that he’s absolutely right. Women ARE predators.

You see, women really want to be adored. They want to be chased. They want to receive attention. They want to feel loved. Unfortunately, most of them are willing to do pretty much anything to achieve those feelings, the least of which is jerking guys around by leading them on when they have no actual romantic interest in them at all.

This plays into the age old question as to whether men and women can really be friends. (spoiler alert: no) Women are like some fairy tale princess preening in front of a magical mirror that only tells them how beautiful and awesome they are. They keep guy friends who want to sleep with them around because it boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel better about themselves. Guys on the other hand are like energetic little purse dogs yapping eagerly under the kitchen table during dinner time in hopeful anticipation of a dropped tasty treat, be it from charity or just plain old recklessness on the part of those eating. Dudes will waste weeks, months, and sometimes even years of their lives hanging around girls that they are into in the misplaced hope that the girl will some day just ‘come around” and decide to be with them. Or maybe sleep with them out of pity or perhaps sheer drunken recklessness.

The problem is that girls know this. They know that all their guy friends want to fuck them. They thrive on it while all the while pretending not to notice. Where as guys just continue to eagerly await a table scrap, wagging their tale and getting all excited anytime the “friend” they are pining for decides to be a little flirtatious. In fact, it often becomes a sad and amusing dark comedy, where the girl turns on the charm everytime she notices the guy starting to lose interest and focus on another girl, so she can make him think he has a chance with her after all and get him fawning over her again. Tossing in another log can keep that fire burning for a long while, missy.

To specifically answer your question, you have two things going on. The girl you’ve been chasing for over a year is yanking your chain because she’s a thoughtless predator who prefers to have you chasing her instead of letting you move on and find someone who likes you back. It’s the oldest trick in the book and you’re falling right for it. But even putting that aside, the bigger problem is that you’ve been chasing a girl for over a year! Have we learned nothing? You need to follow the Bouncer 5 Meeting rule. I’ll save you the price of my book and sum it up for you in one sentence: If you haven’t successfully asked a girl out by the 5th time you’ve met her, you need to write her off completely as a romantic interest. It’s really just for your own protection as a defense against the evil shitty things that women do to guys. If she was going to come around she would have already, just move on and never ever consider her an option in the future.

But you know, you should still buy my book.

Blonde:

Key word: “Chasing”.

Look. You have a good thing going. Don’t fuck it up. Dudes do this ALL the time. They have something great, but they destroy it all because of some fantasy they have in their head for someone else.

I know you’re probably convinced this girl you’ve been chasing is the total shit, your one and only, the Nancy to your Sid. (Minus the fact that Nancy was really, really annoying). The thing is, though, are you willing to drop everything you already have because it is now convenient for her to hang out? I don’t know all the circumstances as to why she’s been so hard to get, but the fact of the matter is exactly that: She’s been too hard to get. Don’t let her think she can play the unavailability card for all this time, and then one day just “pop out of the blue” and expect you to set aside your life for her. You began something new, and letting all that go at the drop of a hat will only make you look desperate. Chances are, you won’t end up with “the girl”, you’ll end up with no girl.

I understand it can be hard. You can’t help the way you feel sometimes, and it’s almost unbearable to be with someone while longing for someone else constantly. If you feel NOT taking a risk with this girl would forever eat at you, maybe you should, but weigh your options. Weigh them heavily. Ask yourself if this girl you’ve been chasing is really all she’s cracked up to be. Is she better than what you have? If so, why? Could it be a possibility that you may only desire her to such an extent because she’s been out of unattainable? We often want what we can’t have, and then when we get it we realize it has a weird, smelly vagina.

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Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

I am a nanny for a wonderful family with a darling toddler. The parents are great, involved parents who (I thought) have a very loving and happy marriage. The mom is very attentive to her child and husband. The dad is non-creepy and always very kind. Now here’s where things get weird. I was at a holiday party with friends recently at a local bar. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the dad. I thought it was a little awkward to be running into him at a bar but thought I should say hi anyway since he’d probably see me sooner or later. As I walked over, I saw him lean in and kiss a woman he was talking to. This was not a friendly kiss either. My question is, what do I do? He didn’t see me (I bolted out of there as fast as I could) and doesn’t know I know. Do I tell the mom? I would want to know if I was being cheated on. Still, I don’t want to break up the marriage and home of this child I adore.

Bouncer:

Have you lost your mind?

Let me just make sure I have this straight. You want to tell her that you think (yes, THINK) you saw him at a bar, kissing another woman in a way that you THINK was more than friendly, and you THINK this may be something she doesn’t know about and might not be okay with?

What is the best possible outcome in your mind here? You tell her, she confronts him, they have a meaningful discussion about their marriage, misconceptions are aired and resolved, recommitments are made, and everyone lives happily ever after, right? Holy shit, girl. You just saved the fucking day with your selfish meddling! If there was a Medal of Honor for Nannys, I’d recommend the President issue you one forthwith!

This isn’t some “no one likes a snitch” speech, either. In fact, I like snitches plenty. When someone rats out the guy who was around the corner trying to stuff a switch blade into his boot so he can sneak it into the club or drops a dime about how some dude is in the back hallway slapping around his girlfriend, it really helps avoid making everyone’s night a whole lot less shitty than it might otherwise turn out to be.

There are a couple of somewhat stylish black girls that work the streets in front of our club. And by “work” I don’t mean they are prostitutes. These girls are pretty damn skilled pickpockets and they make plenty of money each night by grinding up on drunk unsuspecting dudes and making off with their wallets. It’s actually pretty impressive to watch, to be honest. But anytime these girls are hanging on guys right outside the club, I’ll give the guys a heads up.

The difference is that I know exactly what is going on in this situation. I know that these guys are unsuspecting fools and those girls are making a few G’s a night. But even then, if the guys happen to be real assholes who try copping attitude with our staff or were getting all creepy aggressive on the girls in the club, I’ll just look the other way when the pick pockets decend on them like vultures. Street justice, yo.

But my point here is that you have no fucking idea what is going on. Are you positive they don’t have an open marriage where each of them is allowed to go out and play once a week? Are you sure that he wasn’t meeting this girl to try and arrange a threesome for them, some night in a hotel when you’re busy babysitting the kid? Is it out of the realm of possibility that maybe she lost all desire to have sex after giving birth and let’s him go out and get his rocks off elsewhere to keep their otherwise happy and healthy marriage in tact? Face it, you don’t know shit.

And really, at the end of the day, this isn’t about them. It’s about you. You’re standing there in the bar watching this guy kiss another woman, and you’re thinking about your own insecurities and how horrible you would feel if someone was cheating on you and no one told you. You’re transfering your own fears and concerns onto this situation and it’s making you want to come clean to the wife as a way to provide some slight temporary relief to your own batshit crazy phobia about being taken advantage of by a cheating boyfriend yourself.

Mind your own business and keep your lips shut, girlfriend.

Blonde:

This is a terrible situation. It’s similar to when someone tells you a juicy secret and you’re “not supposed to tell anyone”. Are you fucking kidding me? How could I not tell anyone that “_____ is a secret computer duster huffer”? It would be unfair to keep that all to myself. Hey, you told me, which means you can’t keep a secret either. And while we’re on the subject, why in god’s name would you tell ME a secret? On that note, let’s tell everyone!

A situation like this is far more tangled. You see, this little secret that you, and ONLY you know, has a lot of power. More than you can even imagine. It has the ability to break up a family, and not only that, totally fuck your job situation. There is a lot at stake, here. Are you willing to blow this shit outta the water? I can only advise you as to what I would do in your position……which is not say a fucking word.

The thing is, you didn’t get home from a day at the zoo and see Dad screwin’ some hoe on the family recliner. You didn’t stumble upon a crack pipe while folding laundry. What you saw left reasonable doubt, which is why you are not inclined to say anything. I realize the thought of this is now tugging on your conscience. I understand you empathize for the mom because of situations when you have been fucked over by dudes. I know that a small part of you just really, really, really wants to get this shit on the table. You have to ask yourself, though: Does the bad outweigh the good? Was what you saw so detrimental that you feel keeping this secret would do more damage than good? Spilling the beans could potentially really fuck things up for everyone, including you.

There is also a small chance this was nothing. You don’t know the whole story. What if the couple you nanny for are swingers? I realize that’s outlandish, but you never really know what’s goin’ on behind closed doors. Sometimes it’s just better for people not to know certain things. What if it was a huge, drunken mistake that dad feels horrible for and can’t get off his mind? Is it better if mom knows, just so she can feel shitty about it? Sometimes the truth is better left untold, or found out for yourself.

I hate to say it, but this seems like one of those times where, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. Go on with your daily life and pretend like you never saw that sultry kiss between the married man and the woman he’s probably fucking.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

I’ve been friends with this girl for the longest time. I’ve asked her out before and she turned me down. Is it ever possible to get out of the “friendzone”? If so, how?

Bouncer:

It never happens. Ever. Don’t waste another second of your life even thinking it could possibly happen, because it won’t.

The first time a girl meets you, she pretty much knows right away whether or not she’s interested in you. Occasionally it might take two or even three meetings before she’s figured it out, but by then she’s definitely made up her mind one way or another.

If a girl likes you, she’ll let you know. She’ll do things to show that she’s interested without coming right out and saying it. These indications can be as subtle as her just glancing over at you every time she thinks you’re not looking or as blatant as having a friend of hers tell you straight out that she likes you. The art of reading indicators of interest from women is one of the greatest scholarly pursuits in the history of man. There are plenty of books on the subject and many different schools of philosophy. Everyone has their own idea of what the signs are, whether it’s playing with her hair, or uncrossing her legs, or if she’s sitting facing you or away, or any of the other million things people think they have figured out.

To be honest, people waste too much time trying to read into all that stuff. Guys can save themselves a lot of time and trouble just by assuming that everything and anything a girl does, short of pepper-spraying you and running away, is a sign that she’s interested. And sometimes even then, the spray and the running might just be her way of playing hard to get.

But seriously, there’s no downside to assuming that every girl is into you. Worst case is that you ask her out and she says no. Big deal. Much better to ask out four girls and get turned down then to miss asking out that one really awesome girl who happens to really like you, because you were too much of a pussy and assumed that she couldn’t possibly be into you.

Anyway, back to your issue. If you ask a girl out and she says no, or she says maybe, or she says she’ll think about it, or pretty much anything other than a resounding yes, she’s not into you. She doesn’t want to date you and she will never want to date you. Listen carefully here, nothing is going to change the fact that she isn’t into you. You two are not going to be stranded together on a deserted island and fall madly in love with each other. When the zombies rise up and attack, you’re not going to bravely save her and have her totally fall for you. All this Hollywood bullshit that most of us were raised on is complete BS. She is never going to like you, no matter what.

And guys waste sooo much fucking time hanging around girls that don’t like them in the hopes that they will eventually come around. Man, it just kills me to see it. Hanging out with girls is a worthy and noble pursuit. I do it all the time. It actually makes you seem in more demand and less like some weird creeper if you’re able to hang out with some hotties. But for the love of all that is sacred, please just understand that you will never ever date any of them! Never!

In fact, a good general rule is this: If you’ve met a girl more than 5 or 6 times without having asked her out, you’re done. Give it up and pack it in. Hell, with any girl I am even remotely interested in, I mentally keep count in my head of how many times I’ve met her so I know when I need to fish or cut bait. After that, for better or worse, you’re going to be stuck in the friendship purgatory zone til the end of time.

Blonde:

No.

The truth is, once a girl labels you as her “friend”, that’s exactly what you are. Forever. You are not a friend she secretly wants to fuck. You are not a friend she is too scared of falling for because she doesn’t want to “ruin the friendship”. Girls don’t think that way. Of course there are going to be exceptions to every rule, but trust me on this one, if she’s turned you down before, her mind hasn’t and won’t change.

Women are very precise. We know what we want. The minute we meet you we mentally label you. Of course it is always possible for a man to change a woman’s mind. Many factors are involved. For instance, consistently smelling good. Or having an Australian accent. A woman CAN consider you a friend at first and CAN be convinced otherwise, but it’s rare. You would probably have to be really fucking funny.

I have a lot of dude friends, none of which I want to fuck. None of which I want to date. Why? Women don’t have dude friends that they want to fuck or want to date. With the way we over-analyze and torture ourselves on a regular basis already, why put ourselves through it? If you’re not into me, I have zero interest in being your “buddy”. In fact, that makes me feel so disgustingly unsexy. I’m not gonna sit around and fart with you. I’m not gonna be your bro while having endless sexual thoughts about you that will never come to fruition because you don’t like me like that. Men are completely the opposite. You see, men want to surround themselves with women they want to fuck 24/7. They call these women their “friends”. Sure, guys. They may be your friends, but that’s only because they won’t fuck you. The reason you hang out with them is because you think one day they will.

That is precisely your problem. You are holding onto some hope that ain’t there. I hate to break it to ya, but this girl does not want you like that. If she did, she would have said yes the first time.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

I just had a pretty shitty breakup with my long time girlfriend, and that’s what it is; however my city is a pretty small place all things considered and I’m bound to run into her when I’m out with other people. What’s the best way to go about not being rude but making sure she knows that it’s over?

Bouncer:

A good way to almost guarantee that something bad is going to happen is to continue to dwell on it until it you are so expecting it to happen that it does.

Someone who is worried about losing their job, usually ends up losing it. Or someone who is worried about losing their girlfriend, usually does. The universe has a way of giving us what we expect, and it’s important to maintain a positive frame of mind in these matters.

Even despite our best efforts, sometimes it can still happen. I had a particularly bad incident last summer that I’m not proud of. I was doing some security work at a particularly thug-heavy rap concert and I had a very ominous sense of foreboding from the moment I walked into work that night. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t shake this bad feeling that something horrible was going to happen. I was so convinced that I was going to get shot or something that I actually logged onto Facebook to change my profile picture from me swilling a bottle of Jack Daniels to me holding a cute puppy. This way, when my picture ended up on the evening news, people would feel really sad and say stuff like, “Awww, and he really loved puppies. Now that puppy is an orphan! This is such a tragedy I am going to donate to my local animal shelter” instead of just thinking, “Look at that fucking whiskey swilling asshole, he probably had it coming.” It certainly turned out to be one of the rougher shows I worked, and I made it home in one piece, but having a shitty attitude didn’t make things any safer for me.

In a small city, everyone pretty much knows where everyone else ends up drinking. So it’s unlikely that you’re going to run into your ex-girlfriend unless you really want to. Do you? If so, you may want to ask yourself why.

But motivations aside, a breakup is only as shitty as you make yourself believe it to be. When you do run into her, just pretend like nothing happened. Even if the sight of her makes you upset or angry or weepy, just fake it. Smile at her and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” then move on and go talk to other people. It makes it much harder for her to go around starting drama if you just act like it was all no big deal and everything is cool. But hey, if worse comes to worse and she starts running her mouth and convincing everyone you’re the devil incarnate, just change your Facebook profile picture to one of you holding a puppy and all will be well.

Blonde:

Yeah yeah yeah. “It’s a small world”. That’s what they all say. Look. People break up ALL the time. Ninety-percent of the time they are shitty break-ups. And everyone runs into everyone. But how often to you plan to run into this chick? Because clearly you are planning this. It is clear that you WANT to run into her. I’m sorry, but it’s pretty easy to stay away from someone that you don’t want to see. It’s even easier to “accidentally” show up places where you know that person you “don’t want to see” might be. Just a thought.

Let’s pretend, though, you are one-hundred-percent repulsed by your ex. Sure, you shouldn’t let her stupid fat face get in the way of your fun. She’s probably going to be parading her skanky ass around the majority of the city, so no matter what you do you will inevitably be forced to run into her at some point. Go out to the places you would normally go. Chances are those are places you went with her, so chances are she is going to be there. She’ll be drunk, too. Really drunk. You can do one of three things. The first, make direct eye contact with ugly, stupid, fat ex-girlfriend, quickly turn away, chug beer and begin laughing as hard as humanly possible at everything the people you’re with say/do so it looks like you’re having fun. Then continue to ignore ex for the rest of the night. It’s not necessarily rude, you guys are broken up. You’re not obligated to talk to her. This will guarantee she will “know it’s over”, although I’m not really sure why she wouldn’t already.

The second alternative would be the “we’re just acquaintances”, awkward, one-armed hug. Go over to your ugly, fat, stupid ex-girlfriend, say “Hey!” in a way that really says, “We are strangers now”. Then proceed into a one-armed, shitty hug that means nothing. This will defeat her in every way possible, and if she didn’t already know it was over she sure does now.

The third alternative, and the one you will probably end up choosing, is the one where you get really drunk, run into her, it kills you inside, you beg for her back via text, you guys have make-up sex, get back together the next day, never make it Facebook official because you’re embarrassed since you’ve been talking mad shit about her publicly, and try to patch up a relationship that’s probably fucked.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for well over a year. Before we started dating he went to rehab and once he got out and we got together, he continued drinking and smoking. It was ALWAYS been the only problem in our relationship. We get along really well and only fight when it comes to him drinking. I have basically stopped drinking because of how his drinking affects me. He makes promises he doesn’t keep, barely has a job and lies to me every once in a while about if he’s been drinking or who he is with. I trust him with my life and I love him like crazy, but I don’t know how many more times I can break up and get back together with him because of his drinking problem that he denies he has. I know that being with him is something that is bringing me down, but I continue to have hope that he will want to stop. I’m nineteen, go to school full time and work 30 hours a week. I feel like I could do way better, so what’s stopping me?

Bouncer:

Your boyfriend definitely has a problem.

His problem is the passive-aggressive naggy shrew of a girlfriend that he doesn’t have the balls to kick to the fucking curb.

People aren’t perfect. We all have little things that we do that make our lives a little less happier and healthier than if we avoided them. Maybe we overindulge on the boxed wine. Or are helpless to resist the siren call of greasy fried pub food late at night. Maybe we spend way too much money on stupid impulse buys when we have debt we should be paying off. Or maybe we’re just addicted to cigarettes, cigars, weed, meth, heroin, or even nicotine gum. Or we enjoy rough unhealthy sex. Or we watch too much TV. Or we spend our money on pull tabs and lottery scratch tickets. The list goes on.

You boyfriend smokes and drinks, so fucking what? Who are you to judge? Perhaps he is destined for an early grave due to his bad habits and addictions. More likely, he’ll probably go through this phase and eventually mature enough to learn the importance of moderation. And then he’ll live happily ever after. But only if he gets away from you.

If you really didn’t like what he was doing you would have left him after the first or second, or hundredth time you fought about his drinking and smoking. You are choosing to date a guy who you consider to have some addiction problems because there is something about it that you like. Maybe you’re just one of those shrill annoying women that always have to find something to nag about in a relationship. Maybe dude could give up his smoking and drinking and you’d still be bitching and writing into us about some other habit he does that you don’t like and wish he’d stop. Some habit that you guys fight about, that you break up over, and then eventually get back together to do the whole thing over again.

Or maybe you’re just super insecure and you don’t feel like you deserve a normal decent healthy boyfriend. So basically you decided to go out and purchase the male equivalent of the dinged-up floor model big-screen TV, knowing in your heart that you could never afford so much TV without the obvious flaws and blemishes that brought down the price.

Either way, YOU are the problem here, not his drinking and not his smoking. Accept your man for who he is and what he does, or don’t accept him and move on to find someone you feel is a better match. Just do him and everyone else a favor and stop bitching about HIS problems.

Blonde:

I have literally been in an identical situation, so I know exactly what you’re dealing with and exactly what you need to do. Whether you’ll actually do it, well, that’s on you.

Here’s the thing. Your man DOES NOT WANT TO QUIT DRINKING. He is absolutely and completely involved in his alcoholic lifestyle. At this point in time, this is what he wants. You are staying with him because your relationship has been built upon dependence. He is addicted to drinking, you are addicted to him.

When I was in a similar relationship we truly did love each other. In fact, we really had a lot in common at our core. The problem was, our relationship was completely based around booze. In the beginning I drank too. In fact, we would get fucked up together constantly. It was pretty much all we did. After long enough, though, the fights started to occur. The nights that began with getting a bottle and having a grand old time would end in screaming matches, tearing up the house, passing out, crying, neighbors complaining, and all-out disastrous hell. Then morning would come, reality would set in, and so would the devastation I felt that our relationship was failing. I would then beg and plead for him not to leave me. I would try to “talk” to him, try to make sense out of our senseless fight, try to come to a conclusion that was always completely unreachable. I’d leave him notes on the toilet before I went to work telling him how fucked up he acted the night before, how bad he hurt me. Yeah, that’ll show him!

It only got worse. Constant lies. Constant suspicion. Constant anxiety, heartache, hurt feelings, arguments. I would set these ridiculous ultimatums, claiming I’d leave if he didn’t stop, which I never stuck to. I would try time and time again to find ways to “fix” the problem. We would “try to stop drinking” or “just drink wine” or “only drink on the weekends”. Never worked. I, too, quit drinking because I thought it would somehow resolve the situation. You know what it resolved? My drinking problem. You know what it didn’t resolve? His.

We were completely dependent on each other, sucking the life out of each other. Toward the end we broke up and got back together every other week. It was literally the dumbest shit ever. He’d come to me when things got really bad, begging to get back together, that he was going to “really get sober this time”. And me? I was only too happy to have him back. I had so much hope for some fairytale outcome. Looking back it’s so clear how undeniably obsessed I was with him, but more-so with not being alone.

Needless to say, this relationship finally came to end, and I can’t stress how glad I am that it ended when it did. If I could go back, I probably would not have spent a good three years of my life in that kind of situation, but it was a learning experience. I was young, and it showed me what I would never do again. My advice to you is not to waste as much time as I did. The issue here is not whether he loves you or you love him. I’m sure you both love each other very much. The issue is, it is not possible to date an alcoholic. They will always, always, always choose alcohol over you. Until he gets sober, which may or may not ever happen, this will be a never-ending problem. It WILL NOT get better, and he WILL NOT get sober just because you want him to. Ultimatums don’t work. Claiming to leave him, even leaving him won’t get him sober. You know what will get him sober? His OWN desire to get sober. I hope one day he reaches a point where he chooses sobriety, for the sake of his life, but you never really know. What I can guarantee you is that you are 100% wasting your time.

Hope is a nice thing to have, unfortunately it’s not quite as nice as getting the fuck up and doing something about it.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, with the exception for a 3 month period when we broke up. He later confessed that during this time he dated another woman and slept with her, and even told her he loved her. He claims it was just a rebound relationship, but I am really bothered that he told her he loved her and I can’t get it out of my mind. What should I do?

Bouncer:

You’re really over thinking this one. Guys say all kinds of crazy stuff all the time and almost all of it is complete bullshit.

Words don’t mean the same thing to guys that they mean to girls. For women, what they say is the embodiment of their deepest and most emotional inner feelings. It’s a way to try and express what they feel inside their hearts and souls. Very little that a woman says should be taken lightly.

Guys, on the other hand, view words as simply a means to an end. Sure, maybe some drunk dude just seconds ago smashed a bottle over the head of another dude, like Thor wielding his mythical hammer, before we broke up the fight and threw him out of the club. That doesn’t mean I am not going to entirely agree with Viking wanna-be when he insists he’s a good guy and it wasn’t his fault. In fact, even if he makes it a weekly habit of shouting “Mazel Tov!” at the top of his lungs before braining someone silly with a hefty bottle of choice, I’m going to tell him that I know he never starts any trouble and I understand that the other guys always somehow start it. It’s just, you know, my boss, the one who no one ever sees because he is behind some secret curtain viewing things on camera like a modern day Wizard of Oz, told me that I have to kick him out for the night. Of course, if it was up to me he could stay, but maybe he should call it a night and come back next week and we can talk about it when he’s sober and his hand is no longer gushing blood.

You see, guys don’t care. I’m lying to this violent idiot and agreeing with whatever he says because I really just want him to go away and stop whining to me at the door about how he can’t come back into the club. And while I could certainly pound drunky into the ground if it came to it…I’m really tired and not in the mood to get all aerobic. Besides it’s cold out. And I really like this sweet shirt and tie I am wearing and I’d hate to get them messed up. Oh, and I’m trying to break in these new expensive shoes and with my luck he’d step on one when I clobbered him and leave a scuff mark that’ll piss me off for weeks.

This goes doubly true if a guy is drunk. Some guys are angry inside, and they get all argumentative and violent when drunk. But those of us who are slightly more well-adjusted just end up making out with random girls at the bar, then drunk texting or calling women we know to profess our love for them. Because for some reason, when a guy gets drunk it becomes really really important to proclaim how much you love a girl, often any girl. Trust me, it makes for awkward discussions the next day when you have to explain that you meant you love her as a friend and not as a lover. And how you weren’t serious about her moving in and she should probably cancel that plane ticket home she just bought.

Never mind if a guy is just trying to get laid. Guys will say pretty much anything to get laid. Sure, I’m a producer, I think you’d be great in a movie. Why yes in fact, I AM the owner of this club. Of course I love you, I’ve always loved you, I just wasn’t able to express it before because of that thing with that person. True story, I’m really a professor at this University and not just some creeper dressed in a suit trying to pick up young coeds. It goes on and on…

And you know what? There’s no reason guys should feel bad about it. Girls know what they are getting into. They like to act all innocent and naive, but at the end of the day, they are just looking for some plausible excuse to have sex without seeming like a complete and total slut. As long as they have some deniability the next day, they are happy. “I only slept with him because he said he was a big time producer who owned the club and that he’s always loved me, and I believed him!”

So just forget whatever your boyfriend said to that girl when you were broken up. What’s important is that you guys are back together and he’s with you now. Besides, he’s made it really clear that you’re the one for him and he loves you. I mean, why would he lie?

Blonde:

Stop torturing yourself. People say “I love you” all the time. Rarely does it mean anything.

Here’s the thing. You and your man broke up, and like any newly single, desperate, unstable, not-knowing-what-to-do-with-himself kind of guy, your man went out and found himself an interval girlfriend. A chick to fill the void you left in his sad little soul. A rebound. This girl meant NOTHING to him. There is no way he broke up with the love of his life and two days later met the other love of his life. Furthermore, had that been the case, don’t you think they’d still be together?

I don’t know the gory details of his three-month shenanigan, but I do know it is very rare that a person moves on that quick and is legitimately able to love another person. You two were broken up for three months. This means that it probably took him at least two weeks before he even met this chick, and they realistically dated for maybe three weeks before he started talking to you again. Is three weeks long enough to love somebody? You tell me.

It’s crystal clear to me what happened here. Your man got lonely, insecure, and most importantly, DRUNK. He found some village idiot to date for a little while to make himself look like he was movin’ and groovin’ without the likes of you. This is what every person tries to do after a long, devoted relationship. It’s also crystal clear that you are acting like every other chick and completely over-analyzing this. Your man even admitted to you that he told her he loved her, more proof that he really didn’t. If he still had deep-seated feelings for her, I guarantee he sure as fuck wouldn’t be filling you in on them.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, December 13, 2011 (WSFB) – I’m So Inexperienced That I Am Too Afraid To Ever Have Sex

I’m not a super experienced guy when it comes to sex, and I find that when I am in a relationship I tend to bail on it at the first sign that we’re heading to have sex. I never feel comfortable going past the kissing stage, and sometimes I don’t even get that far. I don’t want to keep quitting my relationships as soon as they get serious, but what can I do?

Bouncer:

Dude, the problem is you’re gay.

Lack of experience isn’t the issue here, it’s the fact that you’re not sexually attracted to women. Maybe you are really interested in other guys, or animals, or rocks or whatever, I don’t fucking know. But if you were interested in women, inexperience wouldn’t be stopping you.

But sure, being inexperienced can make a guy worry. You start to think that if you do something wrong she is going to tell all her friends, and they’ll tell everyone else, and suddenly you’ll be the big joke in town and you’ll never be able to even date anyone else. Same thing if you’re worried about having a small penis, or being unable to get it up, or lasting only 15 seconds, or having some weird fetish that involves peeled garlic. Everyone worries about these things and thinks it’ll be the end of the world, but most guys eventually learn that it doesn’t really matter.

The problem is that life is short. People don’t really think or talk about us as much as we think they do. (I personally assume everyone is ALWAYS talking about me since I am so fucking awesome) And people tend to forget stuff relatively quickly. So no matter what happens in the bedroom, it’s unlikely that anything will ever be said about it, and even if something was said, it’s not going to affect your life or your happiness one bit. So really, it’s stupid to worry about that sort of thing.

But your problem isn’t lack of experience. You just don’t like women, dude. Sex isn’t something you have to learn. It’s not like playing the piano or flying a helicopter where you are worthless unless you’ve taken lessons. Sex is more like mixing a drink. Sure, there are experienced bartenders out there who know lots of different stuff, but if I tell you to pour me a rum and coke, you can certainly do it. It may not be perfect, but it’s not like you’re going to be stuck trying to figure out how to unscrew the bottle cap or confused on whether to pour the liquid on the inside or outside of the glass.

Sex is about doing something that comes natural to you. When a guy thinks he has even the remotest chance of getting laid, the desire to stick his penis in the right place becomes overwhelming. Sometimes he wants to stick it in multiple places. And unless he’s some super experienced guy who is actually interested in helping to please the women, which is crazy talk if I ever heard it, then he’s not thinking about technique or skill or anything other than his basic raging desire to have sex RIGHT FUCKING NOW. It’s an overwhelming feeling where you just want to do things that come natural to you, whether it’s to fondle her breasts, or grab her ass, or just start hammering away like there is no tomorrow. Having sex isn’t something that’s difficult to do. NOT having sex is the hard part.

Dude, stop trying to live a lie or you’re never going to be happy. What ever you think about when you masturbate is what really turns you on. If you’re not imagining sex with a woman while you’re pleasuring yourself, then you’re not interested in sex with women and nothing is going to change that. And I don’t really care what it is that does actually turn you on, no matter how sick or perverted you may consider it to be, there are plenty of ways to satisfy that desire. However, none of them involve lying to yourself and others about what really interests you sexually.

Blonde:

Get over it.

Maybe the reason you’re not experienced in bed is because you NEVER HAVE SEX. How do you expect to gain knowledge on the subject if you don’t practice it? I know you feel embarrassed and insecure and you’re afraid when push comes to shove these women are going to call you a loser because you don’t know what you’re doing. The thing is, sex isn’t all that hard. Sure, after time you develop more skill in knowing what makes a woman feel good, but you have to start somewhere.

If you continue to bail every time the relationship starts heading to sex, you are going to have an extensive list of two week relationships on your hands. Are you a virgin? Did you have one really bad sexual encounter that is scaring you off forever? Whatever the case, you’re totally fucking yourself. Literally. You need to get past your insecurities. So you haven’t had a lot of sex. Who cares? If you’re dating someone, be honest with them. Let the woman know you’re not super experienced but you are willing to put it all out there. She will appreciate your honesty and will most likely find it hot that she can show you a thing or two. You’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll learn and feel comfortable. Sex is a natural thing. We kinda just know how to do it.

Honestly, what it REALLY takes to be truly good in bed is someone who’s a giver. Someone who isn’t purely consumed with stickin’ it in ya and humping you like a jack-rabbit for two minutes just to bust a nut. What I mean by this is, learn to eat the muff. I don’t care what you have to do. Research that shit. What do you think they made Google for? Look, you can always delete the history. No one’s ever gonna know you looked up “how to eat pussy”. Do it. If you know how to do this, you’ve already earned, like, ten points with every woman. Use the internet buddy. I’m shocked how many men still don’t know how to go downtown. If you dudes would just use your computer for something other than porn and your mouth for something other than jabbering about your fucking car you might get further ahead in life. Or get more head in life.

Look, maybe you don’t have a million tricks up your sleeve. Maybe you’re not Ron Jeremy. Maybe you have really huge balls. But just think, you don’t have herpes! And that’s always a plus.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

If you have a friend living with you and they have overstayed their welcome, but clearly THEY don’t think so, and they are not getting the subtle hints, how do you tell them to get the fuck out and you need your space? Not trying to be rude, I’m just being pushed to the end…

Bouncer:

The world would be a much better place if more people weren’t afraid to act like complete dicks.

Many people go through life being afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Like most things, the feeling is rooted in insecurity. People who are super nice tend to be that way because they want people to like them. And being rude, mean, or even just plain honest with someone, makes them run the risk of having someone get mad and dislike them. And for people that are insecure in that manner, they measure their self worth by how much everyone likes them. They really really really hate it when someone doesn’t.

I used to have a bouncer that worked for me who was a classic example of that type of person. Nice guy, no really, hell of a nice guy. But he wasn’t effective in his job because he just couldn’t get out of nice guy mode ever. He would apologize to people for everything. If he had to check their ID, if he couldn’t accept their ID, if he had to cut him off, hell…he would even apologize if he was throwing someone out.

He sucked at his job because no one took him seriously. And this ended up causing more problems, because when shit started to get out of hand, he was too busy trying to be a candy-assed nice guy to step in and put a stop to it once it started. A couple of full-on brawls erupted because this guy was too much of a pussy to grab someone, slam him against the wall and yell, “Knock it the fuck off!”

What I am saying is: Don’t be that guy. Don’t be so worried about hurting someone’s feelings and causing them to dislike you that you can’t do what needs to be done. It’s going to lead to more problems and make things even worse for everyone involved if you don’t don’t grow a pair of balls and deal with it.

And if you still can’t muster the courage to risk hurting your pal’s feelings by telling them to get the hell out, give me a call. For a reasonable rate, I’ll come clean up your mess for you and bounce your buddy out.

Blonde:

The grossest person on earth is a mooch. You MUST stop worrying about trying to be nice and start getting assertive.

Moochers are literally stupid people. They don’t get stuff. They are lazy, unproductive, entitled little assholes. Even if this person IS picking up on your subtle hints, they are not going to do shit about it. Why? Because they are looking out for number one.

Look, this is YOUR house. YOUR space. YOU did this person a favor by letting them stay with you. They are living off YOUR hard-earned money. Most likely they are also doing really annoying little things like drinking your beer or getting their pubes all over the toilet seat. NOT okay. There is a fine line between someone sleeping on your couch for a week or two when they’re in a bind and someone who has become a non-contributing new resident you didn’t ask for.

What do you do? Simple. Tell them the damn truth. At this point, you only have yourself to blame. Man up and realize that you’re not going to let this moochey little fuck live off of you any longer. Even if this is a close friend of yours, clearly they are being inconsiderate and bothersome at the very least. One thing you need to understand is that being assertive is NOT being rude. You have every right to tell this person what’s up. Sit down with them and just give them a date. Let them know that you simply just want your space back. You make the rules. Give them a deadline and stick by it. They have two weeks (or whatever feels right) to figure out what they’re going to do, then they are gonna have to go. You’ve been hospitable enough, and without a set date, they may never leave.

Plus, we all know you want to be able to masturbate in peace again.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde.

"You were a tiger lasht night, Moneypenny."

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, November 29, 2011 (WSFB) – Why do I get shot down by every woman I ask out?

I’m newly single, after a 5 year relationship, I have had the same job for 8 years, I own my own house, I don’t do drugs, I drink moderately, I have no children, I consider myself to be a good looking man, as do others, I have two cars one motorcycle. Have asked countless women out, I keep getting shot down each and every time, and then I see them with these guys who have not even half of what I have. I have asked girls out on fb but still get shot down. I have no idea how to be single again. Advice?

Blonde:

It’s not necessarily that you’re doing anything wrong. The problem is, girls don’t like normal dudes. Most likely though, you’re probably doing a lot wrong.

You’ve been off the market for five years so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for not realizing that girls are fucked up. The more moderate you are, the more you disappear in the eyes of every chick out there. Now, I’m not telling you to go pick up a couple assault charges or some nipple piercings. What I’m trying to say is, you don’t have an easy task at hand. Sometimes regular Joes tend to blend into the crowd. You’re not a dreadlocked bum playing ukulele on a street corner, you’re not a plastic surgeon with a big, fat wallet, and you’re not heavily tattooed and into body modification. You are not extreme, which means you are not going to attract an extreme woman or a woman who likes extreme men. This is perfectly okay. All it means is you need to understand what kind of girls are attracted to you. Not every kind is. What I want you to remember is that it is not weird that no one is going out with you. I’m not saying this because I think you’re ugly or stupid or useless. I don’t even know you. I’m saying this because it’s not easy for ANYONE to date. Just because you’re a stand-up guy doesn’t mean every chick is gonna flock to your nuts.

Start getting smarter with knowing who to go after. Realize that, although you have a lot going for you and you are an attractive dude, it does not mean everyone wants to date you. Not everyone wants to date me, either. There are plenty of men out there that are not attracted to me, and that’s fine. The point is, don’t set yourself up for failure. You are newly single so I understand your desire for a new girl as quickly as possible, but don’t go around asking everyone out like a madman. Stop adding every single girl in the entire world on Facebook and then frivolously commenting all their photos. Girls can tell when a man is desperate. Despite what you may think, girls want a picky man. It means he has standards and won’t just settle for any ugly broad that trots his way.

It’s time for you to get picky. You may think this is the last time on earth you want to be sifting through the ocean of ladies, deciding which ones don’t work for you, but this is the best time. Come up with five non-negotiables. Five factors in a woman that she absolutely has to have to date you. Do not date anyone that does not have these. An example for someone like you might be choosing not to go after girls who are too young. It’s a clear sign that they do not have life experience. Someone too young will not be compatible with you. You have created your life, you’ve been in a long, committed relationship. If you go after someone who is not in the same boat you will either get rejected or just end up having a really bad time. Do not go on countless random dates with countless random women because you’re lonely. This will get you nowhere. Realize that you may be single for awhile, and that’s okay. Oh, also remember, no one likes a creeper.

Bouncer:

Not only are you doing it all wrong, I’d be hard pressed to come up with a worse approach than the one you are taking.

First off, women don’t give a shit about the things you are listing. Sure, I know that everything you read everyplace else will say how girls are looking for nice stable guys without kids who don’t do drugs and yada yada yada, but it entirely one-hundred percent bullshit. It’s the kind of bullshit that spreads like manure all over the place until people start to assume it must be true. Just like global warming, healthy whole wheat, and that crap about guys landing on the moon.

Women don’t care how much you make. They don’t care how you dress. They don’t care how you look. They don’t care what kind of job you have. They don’t care if you do drugs. They don’t care if you have kids. They don’t care if you have four cars, three motorcycles, two donkeys, and one of those water powered flying jetpack things. Well…okay, maybe that jetpack thing would make a difference…

Women want guys that are confident, interesting, and in high demand. Those three things are all you need. Anything and everything else is unimportant and doesn’t matter. Take my word for it, I test it out all the time.

I’ll wake up, not shower, throw on mismatching sweat pants and t-shirt, ratty running shoes, and an old worn misshapen backwards baseball cap, go work out at the gym for an hour, still not shower, and then stop in at a local lunch place, coffee shop, or bar. This is when I should have my worst success meeting women, which would make sense since I should be feeling all self-conscious and insecure about stinking up the place and looking like a homeless panhandler. Any guy would be feeling the same way. And if you feel self-conscious and insecure, girls aren’t going to be attracted to you.

In my case, I happen to be one of people who gets an insanely euphoric high after a work out. Probably due to all my clean healthy living…or something. Anyway, so here I come looking and smelling my worst, but I’m hopped up on endorphins like some crack head and I am just full of confidence and witty jokes. I’ll roll into a place, making eye contact and grinning at everyone, start talking and joking with the whole place, making fun of myself and others, telling amusing short stories and quips, and suddenly everyone wants to be my friend. It feels so effortless.

On the other hand, say I go out for an early dinner and have a few drinks. Maybe even a few too many drinks. Then I come home and crash for a 2-3 hour nap before I have to go work the club. So I get up feeling like shit, I go and shower, throw on some cologne, put on my suit, grab my $300 leather fedora and my $400 Italian shoes and then slip out the door. I’m looking my best and in my best clothes. I should be able to pull mad chicks at this point, since I should be looking good and feeling good and should be my most confident.

Unfortunately, I have a day hangover, I’m tired as shit, it’s already dark, I have to go to work and deal with a bunch of drunken idiots all night. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to look at anyone. I don’t even want to think about anyone. So when I stop at the convenience store to buy a 5-Hour Energy drink, I’m not even making eye contract with the cute girl behind the counter. I’m looking down at the ground, hoping people don’t walk close enough to me that I need to interact with them, my conversation usually consists of one word answers. Not only am I not smiling, I look angry and pissed off. People even comment on it, which of course just makes me more angry that I have to mouth some response to them. It doesn’t matter how I look or what I do or how many hundreds are in my pocket, I am not going be able to get a girl to even give me the time of day. That’s the importance of confidence.

Being interesting is pretty straight forward. If you’re going to say something about yourself or tell a story, you need to pay attention to pacing. Don’t stop the busy waitress as she is rushing to deliver someone their food so you can tell her a two minute story. You’re just setting yourself up for failure. I see this shit all the time and it boggles my mind that people can be so unaware of the current attention span of their audience. If you out at some elegant sit down dinner with a group of people, it’s probably fine to tell a story that takes two minutes. If you’re standing in line at the check out behind a cute girl, your story or witty quip better be over in a few seconds.

People love to talk about themselves and their jobs, and other shit that bores the living fuck out of the rest of us. Don’t do it. It really don’t matter what you talk about as long as it’s not boring. Seriously, I just make shit up all the time. A girl will come by and ask how my weekend was, and I’ll spew some made up shit about how it was good except for the giant brawl that happened involving super-heroes, Russians, and lots of pepper spray. Well….uh, except that’s a bad example since that actually DID happened last weekend. But you get my point. People want to be entertained, they want to be amused. They don’t want you to be honest and boring. They want you to be daring and fun.

Being in demand is the third important aspect. One way to guarantee you are not in demand is to do just what you do, ask out every girl you see and even message some on facebook. You come across as a desperate loser who is willing to date anyone who would let you, which is probably true. So knock that shit off. If you want to ask a girl out, have the nuts to look her in the eye and ask her out in person. If you want to appear in demand, meet some really good looking women and make an intentional decision to NOT try and date them. Rule them out in your mind. Feel free to even tell them that they are not your type or that it would never work because they are: too needy, too high maintenance, too wild, too reserved, have a weird laugh, or whatever. And then stick to it. Girls are drawn to guys that don’t like them, so make it clear to some girls that they are off the table (and you need to seriously take them off your list as someone you’d date) and other girls will sense it and find you more attractive.

Be confident. Feel confident. Fake it if you have to. If you need some help, go buy a new pair of shoes, or hit the gym, or get a hair cut. It doesn’t matter what you use to motivate your self-confidence, just do it. Be interesting. Act interesting. Don’t talk to hear yourself talk. Share quick amusing stories and don’t drone on. Make shit up. Tell the girl you can only stay out til 2am because you need to be back on base in time for your space shuttle to launch you into space tomorrow morning. If she points out that there’s no space shuttle program anymore act all surprised and pissed and tell her how much that sucks because taking the space elevator makes you car sick. And act in demand. Don’t brag about being in demand, just act like it’s no big deal. Sure girls are into you. Maybe you even date one once in a while. But stop drooling over every girl on facebook and sending her repeated love messages asking her out. Slow your roll and try and take things a bit slow and you’ll find you have much better results.

Find more advice and submit your OWN questions here: Ask A Bouncer And A Blonde