Dear JT,

I have a very close friend that is having a birthday on Wednesday. I want to throw her a big ass party, but don’t think she’s the type that would go for it. Should I get her a box of cigars instead? Any other ideas?

Best,

Gifts Are Glorious?

Dearest G.A.G. (me),

I’m going to assume this question refers to the ominous day of my birth, when the earth stood still, clouds filled the sky, and baby jesus cried. It’s true, I am opposed to all celebratory events involving myself and other people. Why would I want to ruin a perfectly acceptable Wednesday? I’m curious as to whether this party was going to focus on my big ass, or the fact that I am a big ass. Either would be appropriate, but I imagine the gifts would be more interesting for the latter. Although, if Mike J. Clark were attending…

And gifts. Gifts make me uncomfortable. Invariably some form of positive reaction is desired and that’s an emotion I simply was not born with. I can fake many things, but being grateful for Halloween themed cheese spreaders is not one of them. And why does the best shit come from the person you despise the most? “These tickets to Tahiti are great mom, but I’m still not speaking to you!”

For the seven of you who now read this column (that’s right bitches, up from three!) and don’t wish to be singled out for abuse, let’s still buy me shit and call it bribes. Cigars, as you mention, are an excellent idea. Hella expensive ones though. No plastic tipped swisher sweets even though you think cherry flavor would be fucking hilarious. And booze. Booze is always good. I like vodka. And for those with limited or no funds, the obvious trifecta, boobs. Pictures would be my preference, but I’ll accept an interesting story as long as it’s accompanied by illustrations.

Thank you I guess,

JT

For cigars and booze, please email JT at WTFWJTD@gmail.com for shipping instructions. For the boob trifecta, please cc: Pete@westseattlefunblog.com.

Dear WTF,

I know as a dog owner that dog’s anal glands need to be expressed, but I refuse to do it. It’s gross. Should I try and get a boyfriend for the sole reason of exchanging sexual favors for doing that nasty chore for me?

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

How long have you been a straight female? Although it’s generous of you to offer up yourself in exchange for an unpleasant task, you’re setting your sights entirely too low. Men are already into all things ass. Farting, shitting, mooning, spooning, poking, and kicking. If it’s about an ass, near an ass, from an ass, or just acting like an ass, they’re in. Invite two of them over and they’ll fight over who gets to squirt that nasty shit.

Save the barter system for things that truly matter. Vacations, new appliances, a car. And for god sakes, never marry or move in with them. Besides the endless farting, shitting, and poking, there’s the belching, spitting and snoring. And who doesn’t love skid-marked tighty whities hanging from every doorknob? We need to go back to the days of mystery and intrigue about the opposite sex. No need to see firsthand how closely men are related to chimps, and of course once they find out what a raging bitch you are day and night, you can kiss those gifts goodbye.

I say your shallowness is to be applauded, but it’s a two way street. Use and be used.

JT

JT is a graduate of The University of Sarcasm’s Psychology Program. She also minored in the Veterinarian Arts, Proctology, and Thesbianism. For a copy of her diploma, please email WTFWJTD@gmail.com

Dear JT,

I have a friend who has lost a TON of weight on some new diet. The diet involves eating 300 calories a day and injecting herself with saliva from elderly feral cats. I know it sounds kinda barbaric, and maybe even a little gross, but ….. she’s lost like 40lbs in a month and … truthfully? I’ve got a high school reunion coming up and I’m thinking about trying it.

What do you think?

McFatty

Dear McFatty,

WTF? Were they out of urine from pregnant women at the spa or something? Too good for the tapeworm, grapefruit, or Jesus diet? What about the vomitorium vulgaris plan. All the rage in Caesar’s time. He had special rooms where you could go hurl between courses so you didn’t have to stop eating. I don’t understand all this diet bullshit. Could explain why I weigh well over two hundred pounds, but I’m thinking it’s more to crush you dead when you piss me off.

How ’bout instead of molesting defenseless animals, you get a real life that doesn’t involve me. Because frankly, I’m sick and tired of these super hot women rubbing up against me while I’m minding my own business, trying to have a beer on a Saturday night, at SkyLark or Feedback or Mission. Wearing my Funblogging is not a Crime T-shirt. Possibly outside hanging with the smokers. Occasionally by the bar, but mostly back in the corner where no one can even see if you’re trying to sit on my lap, and come to my rescue. No one. Can see.

JT

JT wants a gotDAMN sandwich. Maybe even a coupon for one. Send it to WTFWJTD@gmail.com

JT

My boyfriend wants to go out for seafood and I’m in the mood for a little Italian. He won’t even consider my choice and it seems like I’m the one who always has to give in. Every night we seem to get in a fight about the same stupid thing. I’m really getting sick of this and don’t know what to do. Any suggestions on what would make him more agreeable?

P.V.

P.V.

I empathize with your situation, I really do. And I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, but your boyfriend is never going to go for a little Italian. No matter how secure he may feel in his masculinity, there is something about that idea that simply puts men over the edge. I don’t know if it’s the utensil comparison, or genuine disgust for the meal. I know it’s not fair. He can probably sit down to a whole platter of oysters or fish tacos right in front of you, never thinking twice about your needs.

Forgive the cliche, but it is what is. You’re not going to change his tastes now. If it’s really that important to you, there are men who enjoy both seafood and a little Italian now and then. It might be time to consider your options and move on to a more fulfilling relationship. Good luck to you.

JT

If you have any questions for JT, email them to wtfwjtd@gmail.com

Dear JT,

I have really had it with people that feel the need to text while they drive.   I was coming up to an intersection the other day, and there was a woman sitting at the green light with her phone in  her hand texting away.   I honked and slammed on my brakes which caused me to drop my ipod in my chocolate sundae that I was eating, and  the  Mardi Gras mascara that I was applying  flew out the window.   I got so shook up that I had to light a cigarette and pour myself a drink as soon as I hit the freeway.    After  I set  my  cruise control, I crawled in the backseat and changed my pants.   How do we make people more aware about safe driving on the road?

A.Y.

A.Y.

Now this just pisses me off.  Does she not have any idea how much mascara costs?  I don’t have any idea, but I bet it’s not cheap.  To so wantonly, so carelessly, disregard the importance of looking amazing.  This small, but dexterous minority, are turning the female population into something ugly and unspeakable.  We will not turn a blind eye and allow this to happen.  That is why we here at funblog headquarters, have come together to put an end to this horrific practice, by supporting Mascara Awareness Day.  Ban Intersection Texting Chick Haters, or M.A.D.B.I.T.C.H.  We will be promoting this campaign for 3-5 days each month.  Please donate generously.

JT

If you have any questions for JT, email them to wtfwjtd@gmail.com

Dear WTF:

Is it unethical to spike someone’s food with Viagra to get him interested in me?

Hungry for lovin’

Dear Hungry,

Absolutely. Not. Although, do you actually know any men who wouldn’t willingly take Viagra? Between the current street price and the number of über drunks in this crowd needing them, I would imagine they’re quite popular. And how hard could it be to find a man who wouldn’t willingly have sex with you, for that matter? I’m a middle aged fat lesbian with a unpleasant disposition and I still get hit on by men. Sometimes they’re even sober. So WTF is your problem?

Maybe you’re confused. Are you aware of the function of Viagra? It increases blood flow; it doesn’t increase your personality. If it’s a relationship you’re looking for, you asked the wrong question and the wrong person. There’s no way in hell I’m going to start giving dating advice. Perhaps it’s time you renewed that eHarmony membership?

JT

Take that Funstick and put it away right now. At least stop pointing it at JT. Seriously. Why don’t you send pics of boobs to WTFWJTD@gmail.com instead?

Dear JT,

I keep seeing Facebook friends join a group saying they don’t want to pay a $3.99 monthly fee. I like FB as much as the next fucktard (w sea celebrity, for example), but I’m not really sure how I feel about being charged. If they allowed porn, it’d be a no-brainer. Are you going to pay for it?

Thanks,

MySpace Tom

Dear Tom,

I’m actually surprised by this myself, but so far I have never had to pay for it. Not because I haven’t had the opportunity, mind you. When I worked nights downtown, the lovely ladies of the evening on Pike street would always be kind and ask me for a date. I thought that was sweet. And especially so, to know they were equal opportunity providers.

Luckily, I’ve always been fortunate obtaining it. Most of the time I can even get away without paying for anything. I did lose my favorite flannel shirt to a girl once. This was the late 80’s. Lesbians and grunge wannabes had to have an official flannel shirt that they wore everywhere. Mine was dark blue, and really soft and comfy.

Funfact: Neither I nor the shirt keeper are originally from West Seattle or the even the same city as each other. And here we are twenty something years later and she lives less than a mile from me, married with a child, connected to two unrelated Facebook friends. You just can’t put a price on finding out fun shit like that. $3.99, or otherwise.

JT

Local West Seattle businesses that would like to sponsor JT and her Facebook funmanship should contact her via WTFWJTD@mail.com to make payment arrangements.

Dear J.T.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Unfortunately, I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last 12 years, so I don’t really know if I have any marketable skills… unless you count sandwich making and fucking my husband.

I was wondering if you have any job advice for someone who is 39, has no college degree, has never mastered fractions, hates getting up early, and loathes being told what to do. Is there a job for me anywhere?

Thanks for your help!

Ex-mom

Dear E.M.,

Now and then, there is simply no easy way to right a wrong. You’ve obviously gotten married and chosen to breed. No putting that genie back in the bottle. Plus, I see you’ve developed a drinking/drug problem. No one married for that long is still fucking their husband and making sandwiches on a regular basis without some form of mother’s little helper. Which leads to the unfortunate reality that most employers perform random drug tests these days, more or less eliminating any legitimate position.

There is the obvious. Performing the same tasks you do now for someone else. Although, I see two problems. One, how incredibly boring. Where’s the challenge to keep you stimulated. Two, how incredibly boring. You’d be spending all your cash on drug refills and booze just to get through the day.

You could change it up a bit I suppose. What are your thoughts about women? I happen to know someone who would like nothing more than to have their very own personal house-girl. Drugs and booze included, of course. Think it over and if you any questions send them to JT@westseattlefunblog.com.

JT

If you get the job, please email photos of you, in your new uniform, performing your duties to Pete@westseattlefunblog.com.

Dear WTF:

Valentines Day was this past week, which is one of the most dreaded days of the year for me. Why does the world insist on celebrating the annoying happiness of couples? I want to open fire on couples in love. What should I do?

Bitter

Dear Bitter,

By open fire on, I’m going to assume you mean light their cigarette. I’d hate for anyone to mistakenly think we here at Useless Fake Advice® in any way condone or advocate criminal violence. What you do in the privacy of your own mind is one thing, but on paper we have to pretend we’re normal.

As to the holiday, I do think the joke is on us. Trying to follow the historical origins of Valentine’s Day leads us to three different Saints by the same name. However, prior to these martyrs was the Valentine of antiquity, also known as the God Lupercus, also-also known as Pan, Baul, or Nimrod. With another common name for Nimrod being sanctuc, or Santa. So near as I can figure we’re celebrating a Christmas Nimrod. Doesn’t get more idiotic than that.

Additionally, if you have to wait for one special day of the year to show your love you love them, more than likely one of you has already started apartment hunting. With exceptions for brand new relationships, where the ridiculous way you’ve been acting every day, for once is acceptable.

So what should you do? Why, pity the fool, of course. These poor bastards are one holiday away from divorce, being held together by nothing but a thin thread of Hallmark cards and cheap confections. While you, my friend, have it all going on. Secure enough in your own self-worth to know it’s perfectly okay to spend Saturday night in your snuggie, downing a fifth of tequila and maintaining relationships that really matter. The ones on Facebook.

JT

Did St. Nick messily deliver on your Mounds bar request? Or did he merely hit the Hershey’s with Snickers? Send pics to WTFWJTD@gmail.com.

Mom?

Dear JT,

I have had a strong desire to key someone’s car lately. Mostly because I’m only getting older and it’s an experience I’ve yet to have. But since I’m not mad at anyone, I don’t know how to go about it. What are your takes on this?

Thanks,

Scratcher

Dear Scratcher,

What an excellent question. Mostly because I have never had this experience either. I did scratch the hell out of my own car once. Well not so much scratch it as put a chain link fence pattern along the side. I went ahead and used my lights to drive in the dark after that. And then there was the time I drove a friend’s car too close to some branches. Oopsy daisy. I didn’t like her very much though, so it was okay. I thought I had spray painted prick on someone’s car door once, but then I remembered that was actually a scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Do you ever dream about shit and then become convinced it’s real? I hid for a whole year after I thought I’d killed someone. Reminds me. Has anyone seen my family? Let’s move on.

I’d love to help you with your problem. That’s not true. I would help you with your problem, except there’s that whole vandalism is a crime bullshit. That doesn’t really bother me as much as if I helped you, you’d probably do it wrong, get caught, and end up in a jail cell. Since you’re obviously inexperienced, before long you’d be crying like a baby and calling me to fix everything. Like I need one more person to bail out.

Why don’t you just stay home and do something gentle and safe? Knitting, perhaps?

JT

Have an ethical or moral itch that needs scratching? Call your shrink. Everything else, send to WTFWJTD@gmail.com.