Arnie Huginkiss: "gobble, gobble, gobble."

AUSTIN, Texas, May 3, 2010 (WSFB-AC) – If success could be measured by a “never give up” attitude and a beaming black smile that somewhat resembles the Penguin from Batman, then Arnie Huginkiss would be the most successful man on the planet.

Most people don’t realize there were originally five members of the world famous heavy metal band Kiss. Arnie, the tambourine player for Kiss, played with the band for approximately one month but was soon let go after the band realized that tambourine players were neither heavy metal, nor hard rock. There was also mention that Arnie resembled a brunette Carol Channing, which was not a look they were going for at the time.

States Arnie, “I feel that I made a significant contribution to the band with my tambourine playing. Unfortunately, tamborinists rarely get the credit they deserve and that is something that we have to adjust to.” Adds Huginkiss, “I also never got any credit for creating the Kiss logo. Who do you think the genius was that turned the S’s into lightning bolts?”

Though deeply depressed and dealing with public ridicule for his funny hair-do, Arnie wandered into an old video arcade one day where his life took on new meaning. A simple game of Pac-Man literally changed his life. Arnie found that he actually preferred to play Mrs. Pac-man and came to the realization that he wanted to become a she.

Jumping into action (the jump looked just like the one Paul Stanley does onstage while pretending to play his guitar), Arnie actually bought the video arcade, made a fortune on the kitschy old vintage machines, and is now using the money to fund his sex change operation. Soon Arnie will be Amanda Huginkiss.

Happier than ever, Arnie can currently be seen with his tender new B-cup breasts and his bright black smile, still playing video games at his arcade….appropriately named “Kiss This”.

Have you ever wondered what your socks are doing when you’re away? We here at the West Seattle Funblog have. But unlike Your Mom, ever since you moved out of the house, we still care about your sock issues. It’s our concern now.

Thus, we decided to pull a Palin and go rogue on this issue. We posted a hidden camera in our own bedroom (we all share one) to investigate what really happens to your socks.

We now present:

“SOCKS: When the Foot’s Away….the Socks Will Play”

Our hidden camera picked up all kinds of partying and carousing while you were gone. There appears to have been a sock slut sex party that would have truly made you, or at least Your Mom, blush. The evidence:

Socks usually start with a little foreplay.

One sock might prefer a different color of sock. And yes, it's true.

Some socks have fetishes. And sadly yes, these rumors are also true.

Some socks prefer more than one partner.

Some socks prefer a partner that just has more.

Some socks prefer multiple partners that aren’t physically attached to each other.

And some socks like it sick, twisted, and illegal.

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss!

So there you have it. Your socks are out having a good time and sometimes they just don’t go home. And those stray socks you find in the dryer without a match? Offspring. Genuine sock sex orphans. Don't throw them away. Pity them and help them find their families.

This article supplemented by Pete Seazle.

For many years, Hitler took daily injections of methamphetamine by his personal physician and meth tablets were routinely handed out to the German military. Meth is a drug that never brings out the best qualities in a person. Combine that with an insane dictator…and you have big trouble.  If Adolf had been into the devil’s lettuce, would some of history’s worst human atrocities have ever happened? We will never know but the scenarios are interesting to speculate on.

If cannabis had been handed out to the military as well as taken daily by Hitler, a calm and relaxed society would have existed.

• Love and acceptance for all people would have reigned as well as massive consumption of German chocolate cake.
• The Nazi symbol: A pot leaf and a beer stein, with the saying: Oktoberfest RULES!!!!
• Birkenstocks would most likely have been invented much earlier and been a popular and comfortable alternative to those military boots.
• Interesting mix of German Oompa with Reggae would have created a new type of cultural music.
• The fuehrer greeting the masses of people while eating a large bag of Cheetos and downing a gallon sized bottle of Big Red.
• Adolf’s obnoxious little mustache would have been changed into a long beard and a head full of dreadlocks.
• The salute, “Heil Hitler”…..changed to “High Times”
• Cheech and Chong would have ranked high in the German military for their happy tobaccy experiments.

So consider this scenario today as you celebrate 4/20, on how the tranquil effects of cannabis could have altered our history in a much more profound and loving way ( unless you get some bad skunk weed that makes you really paranoid in which case the thought of Hitler may make you crawl into a closet  and hide).   HAPPY  Smoking!

Wanda (L), Lois (M), Bertha (HOT)

AUSTIN, Texas, April 14, 2010 (WSFB-AC) – Take one part Jo Anne Worley, stir in some Stooges, add a pinch of the lord, a dash of some blasphemous erotica… and you’ve got the hottest all-girl band to hit the airwaves in years!

The Faith Tones!

Known for playing impromptu gigs at hometown Piggly Wigglies, these Arkansas natives can rock the lord like no other bible-beaters can. These whores of wholesomeness don’t just love the lord… they are IN LOVE with the lord.

Said Jesus, “I’m a little uncomfortable with this whole Faith Tones concept. I preach about love and salvation. They sing about latex body gloves and masturbation. I can see how that rhymes though… and I forgive them.”

Since relocating to Austin Texas, the FT’s have cut their debut studio album, “Jesus Uses Me ~ And I Like It!” With Lois Williamson on guitar and lead vocals, Wanda Stepford on drums, and Bertha Baker on bass and washboard, you’ll find garage-band flavors scattered liberally. Hang on to your rosaries as the passionate biblical themes leave you a bit sweaty and confused, chanting “The power of Christ compels you!”

Songs include:

“Jesus, Let’s Get Our Freak On”

“I’m Having a Glorygasm”

“Praising the Kingdom Cum”

“I’ll Lose Gomorrah If You Give Me The Sodom”

And their chart topper,

“Give It To Me Hard, Oh Lord”

Said fan Richard Head after seeing The Faith Tones live at a Emo’s in Austin, “Wait, this is Christian rock? Who the fuck cares. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick, these chicks rock! At least I think they’re chicks, but yeah, they kick ass. [aside] Dude, cock-check…”

This misguided religious fervor is the best music-making surprise since Creed fooled us all into believing they weren’t a Christian band. The Faith Tones are so cool, even Satan likes them.

“I have a nice warm spot in Hell reserved for The Faith Tones,” said the Prince of Darkness. “That Williamson chick looks hot in leather pants right here on Earth. She’ll be smokin‘ in Hell.”

When asked how they are coping with their new home and fame, Lois responded, “Well, we like it here in Austin.  We moved here for three reasons: the music, to find Sugar Weasel and save his soul, and because it’s hot. We need to train for our spot in Hell. Austin’s hot, but at least it ain’t Little Rock. That place sucks Lucifer’s balls.”

About me: Very in touch with my feminine side. TV celebrity- have been on MSNBC’s “To Catch A Predator, Season 3” and “Intervention”. The right girl gets full access to my special Barbie love and a chance to see my Hanna Montana bed sheets. Email me at creepiluv@hotmale.com.

Dash was taken into custody at the California border town of Tijuana, trying to re-enter the United States after being turned away for employment at a Donkey Show. Says Jose Cuero, proprietor of AY Caramba Burro, in Tijuana, “Si, she tried to get work in my show. I told her, ‘No way José’, since she is not a burro and she is not a HE. These two things are mucho necessito para la Donkey Show.”

Blood and alcohol tests revealed that Dash was under the influence of cheap Mexican beer, LSD, and multiple packs of Skittles®.

Rainbow Dash, once known globally as the glamour girl of Ponyville and a key member of the My Pretty Pony line by Hasbro, gained a huge fan-following for her colorful outfits, sparkling accessories, and sound advice on all things fun. The last few years have seen her spiraling out of control on booze and pills due to the popularity of the rival line, Bratz, which has put the entire cast of Pretty Ponies out of work.

Says good friend and co- pony, Pinky Pie, “Wow, she used to be so much fun. We would hang out together, brush our pretty manes, run and leap through the green grass. Now all she wants to do is smoke the grass and eat funny mushrooms. She has really ruined her reputation and had better get her shit together for our upcoming show in Vegas, Nude Ponies on Parade, at the Mirage Hotel.”

Dash is currently under treatment at the Pasadena Recovery Center where her recovery will be taped for the popular reality series, Dr. Dru Celebrity Rehab.

Said Kevin Johnson, Chief Prosecutor with the Los Angeles division of the U.S. Department of Justice, “They set the benchmark for setting a course for adventure. Never before have we seen such blatant crimey-ness. They did it on national television, right in front of our faces, and they did it for real. These two shows should be recognized as the first wave of Reality TV. Soon they’ll be making another run, alright. A run straight to prison.”

At the forefront of the scheme were the two major players: Captain Merrill Stubing and Mr. Roark. Both were the alleged drug kingpins in the scheme that trafficked drugs via air to ship to land, infiltrating the U.S. and Canada with an estimated 500 tons of popular street drugs throughout the late seventies and early eighties, including Cocaine (street names: California cornflakes, Foo Foo Dust, Society High), Marijuana (Aunt Mary, Colorado Cocktail, Green Goddess), Quaaludes (‘ludes), and Heroin (Hi, Courtney Love!).

Unknown to most viewers, The Love Boat was actually cruising to Fantasy Island on every episode, where it would pick up a shipment of drugs that had been dropped from an airplane. This may account for the overzealous reaction of Tattoo on every episode, anxiously awaiting the drug drop and uttering those famous words, “Ze Plane, Ze Plane”. From there, the Love Boat would sell drugs onboard the ship and then distribute the rest on its return back to the U.S.

Furthered Johnson, “We believe that the proceeds from these deals allowed Mr. Roark to continuously supply his own addiction to fine Corinthian leather.”

According to the DEA, the major players in the ring were:

Captain Stubing and Mr. Roarke – trafficking ringleaders.

Tattoo – communications officer between air and land; linguist

Dr. “Doc” Adam – overseer of overdoses or drug related maladies.

Gopher - Drug runner…. it wasn’t just a clever name.

Isaac -  Logistics, Personnel, DJ, and Bartender

Julie McCoy – on-board party organizer, known for drug and sex-themed parties such as “The High Seas” and “Coco Puffs and Coladas”.

Vicki Stubing (Captain Stubing’s daughter) – child prostitute / coke whore.

Upon arrest, Captain Stubing commented, “It took you guys long enough to figure this out. As if people would really go on a cruise just for love. It was the 70’s and 80’s, man. It was all about Coke and Ludes, big hair, big shoulder pads, and partying like it was 1999.”

“That was some good shit, ya betcha,” said former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin when asked about the Love Boat’s one Alaska run. “I remember looking west, keeping an eye on those commie bastards from Russia, and that boat would obscure my view. Maybe we should consider charges of hindering national defense, too, ya? I wonder if Isaac is related to Obaaaaaaama….”

All members of the syndicate are currently being held until bail is set at Aaron Spelling’s luxury mansion in Beverly Hills. Calls to the mansion by the WSFB were taken by Torii Spelling and typically involved her asking this reporter what she was wearing.

PICK YOUR BRAIN

Usage: I want to use you for your information, then steal it and make everyone believe that I am brilliant. Generally used by upper management when talking to a subordinate in hopes to pilfer new ideas.

Try instead:  Pick your position so that I can butt-rape you.

Translation: It’s the honest approach; someone always has to take it up the ass in the corporate world, and baby…today it’s you.

THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT

Usage: Everyone is waiting on you to do something so the project can move forward.

Try instead: Your balls may be cut off.

Translation: Hurry up and finish your task before I kick your balls into the roof of you mouth and then finish you off by kicking your ass to the curb.

HEADS UP!

Usage: Used to convey urgency on a forthcoming item that will most likely have a short turnaround time and cause you a huge amount of stress.

Try instead: Head Down (as in – someone’s lap)

Translation: There is a project coming that if you do not finish quickly, you will find your little booty on the street where you will be forced to give head to make a living.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

Usage: No one really knows. This is one of the most obnoxious and overused office phrases around. Probably meant to convey thinking creatively or developing unique ideas or some other bullshit like that.

Try instead: Think while inside of your box

Translation: This is a unique way to confuse someone into having sex, while at work.  Added Bonus: If caught, you can tell your HR department that you misunderstood the meaning of the original annoying catch phrase.

TOUCH BASE

Usage: Annoying sports talk meant to convey: Can we meet and talk?

Try instead:  Touch your bases (as in “I want to”) or, Can we get to 3^rd base?

Translation: Isn’t this really what is on most people’s mind anyway? Come on, no one really cares about meeting with you and talking.

TAKE THIS OFFLINE

Usage: You have just royally f’d up by talking about something not meant for everyone’s ears.

Try instead: Take this off

Translation: Because you just screwed up so bad, you will be forced to take off an item of clothing, slowly, in front of everyone, while they videotape for the corporate website.

The list goes on and on.  Some other buzz words that I think you can see right through: “on the same page” (porno page that is), “drill down” (your underwear); “sweat equity” (after you have sex with me).

By reading between the lines of these subliminal buzzwords, I think you will agree that there is always a double meaning in corporate talk.  While some hot shot thought these would be pro-active and politically correct ways to walk the walk and talk the talk, they are actually nothing more than carefully worded threats and sexual innuendos. So give some of the new phrases a try when you return to the office after the holidays.  Good luck.

LockDown ® Underwear is a lightweight but effective deterrent for men whose excitement gets the best of him.  With a special fabric weave made of sand paper and a super tight fit, LockDown ® will quickly stop any movement or blood flow to those pesky appendages, thus bringing a man to his knees in seconds.  The optional TaintLock ® and WangKey ® system will have him rushing home to see the little woman with a new sense of urgency.

“It is not widely known, but men actually think about sex quite a bit. They are getting aroused all the time, whether it is their wife or a co-worker or a stranger in a coffee shop, or Tinkerbell cartoons, or Broccoli and Cheese Hotpockets, the male mind turns to sex.  Does this mean that men are animals that can’t control themselves,” asks Richard Head, President of Engineering for BRONCO.  “Yes. That’s exactly what it means. But it’s really about a lack of focus. And trust me, when you’re wearing a pair of LockDown ® skivvies, you are very, very focused.”

Says Nan Patterson, VP of Production and Design for BRONCO, “There are a number of f-tards (sic) who will greatly benefit from this product. This isn’t your average S&M cock-locker, but a necessary product for some relationships. Men will now be able to think about the other two things that occupy their minds: football and beer.”

The Lock Down comes in three styles:

The Lockdown 1000 – Tight fitting, sand paper feel, lock and key.

The Lockdown 2000 – Extra tight with slight electric shock to the genitalia if the device is tampered with.

The Lockdown Supreme – For the well-endowed male, this style comes with a special strap allowing the wandering wand to be pulled backwards and given “thirty days in the hole” prison style, so the male can just go ahead and screw himself silly.