Check out the newly launched Austin Funblog at www.austinfunblog.com. We’re so proud, we might just shit in our own appliances! ~ Pete Seazle

Mr. Gibbs, (born September 1, 1946) is a singer, songwriter and producer. With his brothers Robin and Maurice, he formed The Bee Gees, one of the most successful pop groups of all time.

The intoxicated Gibb apparently had stumbled into a known gay bar looking for his brother, Robin.  Witnesses claim to have heard him shouting that he wanted “More Than a Woman” as he was escorted out to the curb.  On his way home, things took a turn for the worse.

The 63 yr-old Gibb was found slumped over a water fountain, the apparent victim of a skull-fucking by a group of strung out meth-heads.  With a double-yellow line drawn down his nose and his trademark coiffe crudely shaved into a mohawk, the singer, songwriter and producer experienced severe trauma to the orbital sockets after being ridiculed and brutally eye-poked.

A witness jogging nearby, Mr. Killboy Powerhead, was the first on the scene. “I heard a huge commotion, loud screaming in falsetto and someone repeatedly yelling ‘How Deep is My Love’ in between grunts – it was sickening, even to me.”

The good Samaritan was the first to aid Gibb.  Said Powerhead, “I asked him ‘What the hell happened here!?’ and he could only say, ‘You can tell by the way they abused my ‘hawk, I’ve been skull-fucked man, no time to talk’ ”.

The motive for the attack is being questioned but it appears the incident may have been retribution for the release of The Bee Gee’s seventh album, Cucumber Castle.

We don’t really know why we eat it; we just do it in the tradition of the Thanksgiving Feast. In fact, we really don’t give a shit if the pilgrims, who wouldn’t know a can of cranberry from a cockring, would approve. We Americans tend to cut corners on a Thanksgiving favorite by simply twisting open a trusty can and saying “Bon Appetit!”, leaving all the glory to the stuffing.

It is typically served on its side with 8-10 leaning cross slices, though there are variations on this theme. I have seen the simplest presentation (the Beached Whale) where the can is served long-side down, uncut and presented in its purest form. Less common presentations include the single can straight up (or Standing Hampton), two cans side-by-side long ways (the Cran-butt), or two cans standing up (the Twin Towers).

Well, I for one am tired with the usual treatment of this often disrespected fruit and offer these 10 ways to make your cranberry sauce experience more enjoyable:

Top Ten Ways to Make Your Canned Cranberry Sauce Experience More Enjoyable

10. Unload a dozen cans into a kiddie pool in the living area, climb in, and see if anyone “wants a piece of this”.

9.  Cube the contents and drop the cubes in a washtub of cider and call it “Bobbing for High School Fetuses”.

8.  Tell them it’s imported from Ireland and hum the song Linger as it is passed down the line.

7. Stand the can up and slice it across and down and play Cranberry Sauce Jenga with the whole family.

6. Stand it up in the center of the table and apply Mr. Potato Head parts to make it look like various guests and family members.

5. Poke some quarters into the sauce and see who gets a “money” slice.

4. Set in a small box with a hole in the side and call it “Pilgrim’s Glory Hole”.  Adding a random “Plymouth Rock” joke would be a nice touch.

3. Put two slices over your eyes and say “Look, I’m craaaazy Mr. Cranberry Sauce Face!”

2. Give it that appealing English arrogance by referring to it the whole dinner as “Crahn-bree Soss”.

1. Put one slice over your eye, stretch out your arms and yell, “Adrianne!!” until someone gives you a hug.

Happy Thanksgiving!

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, November 24, 2009 (WSFB-AC) -Longtime resident of West Seattle, Ruth Lessness, has had enough and this Thanksgiving she’s ready to kick some breast.

“Every year it’s ‘Here, Gran, you can have the neck, you like the neck, right?’ or ‘How about a nice big leg?’ Well, this year it’s all about the white meat and if anyone challenges me, they’ll get a size 6 Rockport with an orthopedic insert put so far up their ass they’ll be shitting nylons until 2010,” snarled a determined Ms. Lessness.

This octogenarian is serious about her bird and is taking off the gloves in order to make a point. “I may be old but I appreciate a two-handed helping of juicy breast as much as any man.” Can we argue with her? This reporter sure as hell isn’t.

Training for almost 20 minutes a day in between naps, Ruth explained her strength conditioning regimen. “I start by arm-curling my cat, Mr. Boots, for about 20 reps. Then I move on to leg lifts and crunches, but I have to take it easy on the crunches because yesterday I blew some mud.”

“I’m telling you now, if that fat little fuck I call my grandson offers me a wing, he’ll be thankful if I don’t garrote his ass with my LifeAlert necklace!” With all that determination, this is one black-and-blue hair I would not cross. “I’ll knit that fucker a noose AND a decorative quilt to cover his corpse if he comes at me.”

On the way out of the interview, Ms. Lessness rolled over my foot with her wheelchair. As I started to make a startled “Ouch” sound, I could hear her mumble “Don’t be a pussy, Tony.” Then she rolled out the door.

WSFB – Austin Chapter: So you’re getting ready for the holiday season. With so much going on between your political aspirations and the new book, what do you do to relax?”

Sarah Palin: Well, ya’ know, Tony, sometimes I just like to “chill” (using air quotes) and take care of the little details that I miss when I’m so busy.  One thing I am really excited about is doing some work on my Beaver Lodge.  It’s been a while since I have had anyone visit and I want it to be ready for guests…so I thought I would get to work on that little sucker.  In the past, Beaver has been accessed by numerous heads of state including Senator McCain and former President Bush.  Even Joe the Plumber got his groove on there.  By the way, did you know John used to refer to me as “Sugar Tits” while on the campaign trail?   Yup yup!  That joker!

WSFB-AC: So what do you have in mind for the lodge?

SP: Right now I have some 10-year old shag at the entry, or the “foyer” as the French say (chuckling). But it’s so worn it’s downright crusty. And gosh darnit, I want an entry that is cozy and inviting. I mean, that ain’t no walk-in closet, Tony! At first I was thinking about just steam cleaning the shag, then I thought why not get a little “rogue” (again with the air quotes) and go with nice smooth tile, maybe travertine? I needed something that could take some abuse even though it can be cold and very slippery. I also considered just a simple carpet runner right up the middle but that seemed too much like a landing strip. But in the end, I went with the tile and a nice accent piece, something that catches your attention and looks stylish but can still be hand washed.

WSFB-AC: Where to you get your inspiration?

SP: Well gosh, my daughter, Bristol, I suppose.  She has a lot of experience in this area and she suggested I “get with it”.  But she is all about the tile – no carpet for her!  Ultimately, I think it is God’s will that made me do it.

WSFB-AC: With the success of the Beaver Lodge entry, do you have any other projects planned for the future?

SP: Well, heck yes I do!  Just down the breezeway from my foyer is my mudroom.  I would love to get something brewing in there soon in case Katie Couric ever visits.  She likes to “get dirty”, if ya’ know what I mean? (winking)  You betcha!

Pleaseda meetcha!

AUSTIN, Texas, November 18, 2009 (WSFB-AC) - In a press conference early Wednesday morning, Joe Eliot of the English rock band, Def Leppard, addressed the mysterious circumstances surrounding the October 17, 2009 cancellation of the last leg (sic) of their North American tour of the U.S. and Canada. Until this point, it had only explained as “due to unforeseen personal matters.”

It seems the drummer, Rick Allen, is once again the focus of massive band tragedy.

Details of the original band angst involving the 46 year-old Rick Allen, the formerly right-armed drummer of the band and his December 31, 1984 car crash that claimed his left arm, were never divulged, but are coming back to haunt the band now.

In what appears to be a dismemberment déjà vu incident, Allen again crashed his car on Oct 17, 2009, after reportedly losing control of the vehicle while texting on his cell phone.

Allen’s 2009 Porsche 911 Carrera S was found on the right shoulder of Chesterfield Road, just north of Hull, where it impacted a road sign on the driver’s side causing the immediate amputation of his only remaining arm at the…well…the right shoulder.

Allen is recovering nicely at his home in Derbyshire and reported as being in good spirits despite the repeated heckling of his band members.

“At first we thought it best to simply bow out of the tour without a fuss in order to preserve Rick the embarrassment of his fucking it up royally, AGAIN.  But after some consideration, it really pissed me off that he was so bloody stew-pid.   I mean, sweet Christ on po-go stick, what will it take to get through to this lad?  I suppose next year we will be rigging his kit to his wanker to get our next album completed?”

After leaving the podium, Eliot was reportedly overheard mumbling “We’ve got to do something.  Maybe we can call the next album, Cauterize, or no, no, maybe Amputize.  Yeah, Amputize, for sure.  We’re gonna make a killing with mullet-wearing quadraplegics across the world!”

Guitarist Vivian Campbell, a passenger in the collision, suffered minor injuries and reportedly retrieved the arm from the scene and repeatedly smacked Allen in the face with the limb yelling “You!  Are!  A!  Stew-pid, TWAT!” before attempting to twist the severed limb up an unconscious Allen’s arse.

It appears Allen was in the last remaining clicks of sending a text to his girlfriend allegedly stating “brb, gotta drive”.

He was unable to press send before the collision.

Bassist Rick Savage could only babble incoherently, “Bloody arse, that dim-fuck, bladdered toss-pot! Umpteen times I tole him!?  iPhone malarkey!  Simply cock and bull!”

Known for her hands-on approach to immigration issues and intimate knowledge of Chuck Norris’ ass, Napolitano was quoted as saying, “Look, I’ve been banging illegals during my summer vacations in Arizona since 1993, and I’m here to tell you, the numbers are down.  At this rate, I don’t know who the fuck is going to clean my pool, literally or metaphorically.”

With over 600 miles of the 2,000 mile border fence secured with state of the art wall technology (as seen in this recent photo), the announcement was not well-received and was repeatedly interrupted by a small group of men dressed in khaki-green pantsuits revving leafblowers over their heads.

“At $10 million per mile, this gawdamn thing better sing the gawdamn National Anthem, and I mean the ‘merican one!” responded an angry Lamar Smith (R-TX) to Napolitano’s announcement.  “I mean, this gawdamn thing has gaps in it wider than Kirstie Alley’s gawdamn whisker biscuit.”

Republicans continue to contend that the failure to control illegals crossing the border results in the loss of valuable U.S. jobs but acknowledged that the landscaping along the fence was really quite lovely.

Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y) stated he would introduce legislation sometime in the future to determine how we can spend the equivalent of one billion enchiritos on the continued construction of the Great Wall.  “We are on a roll here, kids.  I tell you, there hasn’t been this much material erected since the Janet Jackson’s boob fell out during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show.”

We may never know the if Obama had the “right angle” on the greeting, but we can speculate as to why President O-bow-ma looked more like Michael Phelps in the blocks at a swim meet than the Leader of the Free World.

Top Ten Reasons Barack Obama Got Low

10.  The weight of the Nobel Peace Prize medal he still wears under his shirt caused him to collapse.

9   He was looking on the ground for change to help pay the $770B of U.S. debt financed by the Chinese.

8.  He wanted to subtly give the 1,500 Japanese onlookers and diplomats the “stinkeye”.

7.  His aides left his spine aboard Air Force One.

6.  He shaved a yin-yang symbol into the top of his head and wanted to show the Emperor he is in tune with Asian culture.

5.  He saw The Karate Kid last week and thought he was greeting Mr. Miyagi.

4.  He was trying to catch a glimpse up Empress Michiko’s kimono off the high shine on his Johnston and Murphy’s.

3.  He thought a simple hygienic fist-bump would be awkward.

2.  It was better than saying “WWII, our bad.”

1.  Dick Cheney told him it would be “cooler” than Bush’s backrub of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

The initial find was based on data collected when the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite, or “LCROSS”, intentionally crashed October 9, 2009 into the permanently shadowed region of the Cabeus Crater near the moon’s South Pole.

In what amounted to dropping a pipe bomb into a ripe restroom toilet, project leader Anthony Colaprete confided that the admission was difficult to swallow, but it was “sterile, and he liked the taste”.

“I’m here today to tell you that indeed, yes, we found urine.  And we didn’t find just a little bit; we found a significant amount.”   Colaprete then produced about a dozen two-gallon, white, plastic buckets, filled to the brim.  “This guy wasn’t playing around – he would give Chuck Berry a run for his money”.

A noticeably intoxicated Aldrin recounted the events leading up to what will now become known as “one small step for man; one giant leak for mankind“.

“Hey, we cracked our first brew after breaking through Earth’s atmosphere and each pounded at least 16 more before landing,” Aldrin said.  ”By the time we touched down, I had to piss like a space racehorse.”

In what appears to have been an act of jealous defiance, Aldrin went on a rant that lasted almost 3 minutes, including two shakes and a full-on body shiver.

“So fuck all you guys, it’s always Neil this and Neil that.  This time I am definitely Number 1!”, at which point Aldrin exposed himself to show a tiny American flag flying from his own private command module which he referred to as the “bald eagle”.

“You walk around that barren shithole for over 20 hours and see if you don’t have to take a leak.  And look, I was also sitting on my breakfast for 2 days, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they found another little diddy I left them on the North side of the crater.”

Aldrin, seemingly proud of the attention he was receiving, asked NASA to revise the lunar plaque bearing President Nixon’s signature and an inscription to read: “Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the Moon July 1969 AD. We came and pissed for all mankind.”

NASA officials would not comment on the suggested revisions but announced that they are planning another project this summer at an estimated $150M to install lunar HoneyBuckets / Port-O-Cans for future missions.