However, recent studies paint an entirely different picture; one of adaptive urban species and reproductive prosperity.

The infamous Coyotes of West Seattle are a prime example. Despite destruction of nearly 99% of their indigenous habitat, the species thrive in greenbelts and urban forest parks. Surviving primarily on a diet of human kitchen scraps and locally sustainable small household pets, the urban coyote has an average life span of 13 years.

Another urban forest species that demonstrate adaptive survival techniques is the Western Gray Squirrel. Frequently seen in the West Seattle Peninsular Nature Opportunity Zone (WSPNOZ), the Western Gray Squirrel is one of our most common animal neighbors.

Members of the Washington Arboreal Sciuridae Project (WASP) spent six months observing Western Gray Squirrels in Arbor Heights, in an effort to better understand just how the species managed to adapt – and flourish – in a densely populated urban neighborhood.

Their findings present a challenge to the way humans perceive their impact and interaction with nature.

Arguably the most marked observation was the squirrel’s use of crosswalks as a means to safely traverse boundary between wooded areas. The behavior, originally believed to be coincidence, was demonstrated repeatedly by more than 30 members of one squirrel cluster. Mother squirrels guided their young in repeated, deliberate safety exercises while juvenile and adult males functioned as lookouts, verbally warning of approaching vehicles or pedestrians.

“We’ve watched this happen for years,” said Elda Golthardt of Arbor Heights. “You should see what they do in the spring, on the roof of our shed, while we’re pouring our morning coffee.”

On the morning of August 14, 2011 at approximately 8:00AM, two pellet gun wielding rapscallions began a semi-vehicular assault in the Arbor Heights frontier neighborhood.

The two teens opened fire on passers by, seriously chipping one man’s windshield, hitting a young man in the shin, then putting the eye out of a small child waiting by the Christmas tree across the street.

The two teens were arrested four blocks away while sitting in a vehicle where they were observed downloading music from the Internet illegally.

Initial assessments put the damage at $29.87 making this the most costly pellet gun related crime in Washington State’s long and rich history.

So, why so much waste in such an environmentally conscious region?

The answer may surprise you: fashion.

With the dramatic shift away from man made materials in contemporary fashion, thousands of people are stuck with closets full to the brim with clothing made of such unfashionable materials as spandex, polyester, and even cotton/polyester blends.

No one in the right mind would be caught dead hauling these clothes out of their home. Instead, they work articles into the trash each week.

“I can’t stand the thought of anyone seeing my chartreuse spandex unitard,” says Rogl Hancock of Westwood. “It’s pretty small so it didn’t take up much room in the trash.”

Local activists are calling the bluff of people like Hancock, and have launched a campaign with an unlikely frontperson – regional blogging sensation, Trey C. Wrekkard.

Wrekkard joins a group of senior social experts from around the area to put the wheels of change in motion.

The principal group behind this initiative is Control Unwanted Neighborhood Trash who, circa 1996, was responsible for changes in storm water drainage practices and elimination of more than 3 billion tons of carbon footprints in local parks, and are regarded as environmental pioneers because they used the term “carbon footprint” before Al Gore invented it in 2004.

They’re hoping to obtain similar results with the yet-to-be-named neighborhood initiative.

“We’re going to hit the blogosphere hard in the coming weeks,” says Wrekkard. “People need to know what they’re doing wrong, and what our experts say about doing it right.”

Wrekkard’s blog – the highly noted and often quoted, WetSeattleBlog - is looked upon by many in the Puget Sound as a progressive guiding light, frequently teetering on the verge of a total sociological solution to the perils that exist in less affluent and therefore deprived areas of the country while simultaneously fostering a sense of community not felt since the Manson Family first gathered together at Spawn Ranch.

“We decided to work with Trey after more than two years of reading his blog,” says Myrtle Bedholder, chairperson of Control Unwanted Neighborhood Trash. “It all started during the 2006 West Seattle windstorm. You probably already heard all about it a hundred times!”

68-year old Dennison successfully sued the city of Little Rock for $1.2 million.

Canine fecal waste removal has become a major concern for municipalities across the nation as cash-strapped local governments are left holding the bag with regard to cost and liability. Dog poop is not only unsightly, but is also a significant public health concern as it is the vehicle by which many pathogens are carried through to our water supply.

“Most pet owners, they don’t even care if their pets poop in public,” says millionaire Dennison. “I look at every pile as if it is a pile of gold.”

While it’s the case that many in contemporary society share Dennison’s litigious perspective, this approach is clearly not sustainable and fails to address the core issues at hand.

“What we need to start thinking about is, how can we mitigate the affects” says Little Rock city council member Roscoe Haliburton. “I believe I have a plan for this.”

Haliburton helped facilitate a grant for his cousin and local University of Arkansas professor, Rondall Haliburton, to pursue the study of deleterious effects of feces in the ecosystem. During  the initial phases of research it was realized that Chinese scientists performing internships studying the genetic modification potential of poultry had engineered a chicken that did not pass waste in the form of feces.

“It immediately clicked,” says Halliburton. “We need to engineer pets that don’t poop. Problem solved!”

University scientists immediately began working on modifying the genes of five different dog breeds, and at least a dozen breed of cat. However, the program hit a snag when the first modified dog exploded in its kennel.

“We’ve decided to put the program on hold for now, but once we get through this blockage everything will come out just fine.”

Today is the second of three days of Summerfest and promises to be the most exciting of all thanks to the more-than-favorable weather conditions hovering over the region.

While most of West Seattle’s best and brightest will enjoy the most spectacular day of the year thus far, a group of individuals from the West Seattle Agoraphobic Support Alliance will be doing the opposite; lurking eerily about their homes and peering through the blinds to see what others are doing.

Easily startled by myriad seemingly uncomfortable situations, the local agoraphobic knows little true joy in real life and instead fill their days assuming alternative internet identities from which they can play the role of a functional citizen.

“I just can’t get past my front steps” says local agoraphobic and internet entrepreneur Geohsif Joerbels. “I see a world of doubt and fear and also a world that’s looking for the products and services I have to offer. Online.”

While the Funblog sympathizes with the plight of the contemporary agoraphobe, we also see it as an outstanding growth opportunity from which many deeply good things can arise.

Here’s our 5 tips on how to enjoy the West Seattle Summerfest event remotely from an un-intimidating and comfortable location:

1. Hire A Day Laborer

The day laborer can be equipped with a smartphone, helmet, and helmet cam to provide continuous streaming video and audio of all the happenings.

No, you don’t have to deal with them directly or shake their hand. There are numerous local organic Latino staffing agencies that do the administrative work for you.

2. Rent An Apartment Overlooking The Junction

Sure it’s too late now, but there’s always next year.

3. Become Virtual Friends With Someone Who Lives In An Apartment Overlooking The Junction

This is why Zuckerberg created Facebook.

4. Watch The Event On TV

Requires internet-connected TV and some kind of browser. Oh, and by “watch” we actually mean “read”.

5. Shoot Yourself

Let’s face it. This is no way to live. Under the chin, trigger out.

Just remember, it’s about the Greater Good and community.

Need to convert one data point to another? Want to take control of your shopping habits? Strong desire to have dirty pictures delivered automagically to your pocket?

There are apps for that.

In the current digital age where correctness is not only expected it’s required, infophiles will put you in your datalogically correct place with a couple swift gestures.

“When I heard some real estate agent bragging to a prospective client that the home prices in the neighborhood had gone against the national downward trend and actually gained value, well I opened up Zillow and proved him wrong. Right in front of his client.” says local data monger Chad Wheylard. “I was all like, ‘iPhone FTW!’”

However, with great connectivity comes great responsibility.

Academics have begun to chime in on the issue of “Digital Correctness”, and their answers may come as a surprise to many.

“You’re not actually smarter than someone else just because you have lightning-fast access to Wikipedia” suggests professor Lorne Lorneden of West Seattle University of Applied Science. “You’re actually just more connected. There’s a significant distinction between cognitive intelligence and conditioned response.”

Digital careers counselor for Institute for Technology Institute Toad Morgensen disagrees.

“Access to information and data across all academic, social, political, technical, and even pornographical spheres will be essential to industry in the coming years. Someone will need to program and maintain our robot masters.”

Whatever side you’re on, it’s clear: Technology will be the death of us all. Who can survive global warming? Robots.

Until about twenty years ago, the United States was the largest consumer of foreign crude. The entire US economy was predicated on the notion of cheap oil, and our industries took wholesale advantage of the circumstance.

Now, with previously-emerging economies in China and India consuming an ever growing amount of crude to fuel their booming industries and economy, America has fallen to the wayside and pushed down the ladder by the very countries we invested billions of dollars.

“Fuck OPEC,” says local resident Burt Blankenship. “They’re a cartel of marauding inbred royals who seem to have forgotten that we’re the ones that built their oil production infrastructure from the ground up. We brought the tools, people, and know-how to the table and now they’re treating us like we’re children. It’s not right.”

OPEC officials reacted in surprise to today’s International Energy Agency decision to release 60 million barrels into the supply chain to compensate for the shortage in oil production in Libya because Ghadaffi is a fucking idiot and doesn’t get the message that he’s an asshole and no one but his paid cronies want him around.

“We do not see any reason to release this much oil,” says OPEC official Achmed Achmenadaji. “If we do that, then we won’t have sufficient justification to continue price increases. We want 40 virgins, and we want them now.”

Obama administration officials countered Achmenadaji’s comment with, “who cares what they think?”

“I no longer use a towel to dry my hair” says local Patriot Ed Grumble. “I air dry, the American way.”

The time has clearly come for an invigoration of American ingenuity, and for a solution to dependence on foreign oil. Some posit that this will take a generation to achieve, but we’re more optimistic than that. We’re the pioneers of the Free World and our time has come.

America. Fuck Yeah!

Gingrich, who announced his candidacy via the popular social networking site Twitter, took the news in stride.

“This is when you level up and get back into the game,” says Gingrich. “I will continue to persevere until I get every gold coin.”

Despite his attempt to connect with younger voters, polls show Gingrich is the last person the prime demographic of 18-35 year olds would vote for.

“We’re not interested in another president that’s always on the verge of collapse,” says Don Njord of the West Seattle Citizens for Universal Medicare (WSCUM). “Everything he says is retarded.”

Pundits speculate this may be the end of the road for Newt’s presidential aspirations, and warn of staying course when you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the primary let alone the election.

However, Gingrich – in traditional Old Guard style – stands firm in his commitment to restoring personal freedom and smaller government.

“I refuse to let my dreams die because of some poll. That’s just poppycock.”

West Seattle in particular witnessed a 400% increase in ballot applications from women interested in running for everything from the coveted Mayor of West Seattle position to Superintendent of Communal Gardening.

“We’re finding that women have grown weary of a male-dominated political landscape,” says Urnja Goerdinger of the West Seattle Balloting Office. “Every time we turn around, some male politician is getting caught with his hand – or Weiner – in the proverbial cookie jar.”

Embattled Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) admitted earlier this week to cavorting on the Internet and sending lewd photographs via the popular social networking site Twitter. Despite calls from leaders of congress for immediate resignation, Weiner holds firm on his commitment to his constituency.

“Everyone’s seen my penis,” quips Weiner. “It’s large and it’s in charge. Get over it. I want to get back to doing the people’s business here in Washington.”

However, Weiner’s message doesn’t appear to resonate with the nation’s women.

“So typical that a MAN would go around showing off his PENIS. Talking about his COCK like it’s some kind of toy. Taking pictures of his SCHLONG and sending them to young college girls!” exclaims local feminist, Trey C. Wrekkard. “He’s not a representative of the people, he’s a representative of his PENIS. He should be CUT OFF from public office and held FIRMLY accountable for his actions. Men belong in the car, driving back and forth between coyote sightings and house fires, gathering pictures and information for WOMEN to post online. That’s just my opinion.”

Men be warned: This year’s ballots are likely to swell with anti-Weiner sentiment. Possession is 9/10ths the law.

Kyrgyzstan based Back To Your Future LLC provides physical transport through the fabric of time to the destination year of your choice for a premium fee.

“I strongly believe a Justin Bieber figure will be greeted with great respect,” says Nichols. “I want to be that Justin Bieber figure.”

Nichols first considered this endeavor after hearing Bieber’s breakout album, My World, and realizing that his then thirteen year old son closely resembled the soon to be superstar.

“I looked at a picture of Justin, then looked at my son, then looked back at Justin, then looked back at my son. This continued for 2-3 minutes until the degree of the situation struck me; Justin Bieber is poised to be the greatest pop star of all time.”

However, behind the scenes the family was falling apart. Nichols’ relationship with his son was crumbling as years of maintaining a close and respectful relationship degraded into a daily expletive-laden exchange of direction and rejection.

Justin Bieber’s music provided relief from the chaos, and despite the turmoil at home, Nichols remained dedicated to his project.

“Justin’s message of Never Say Never struck a chord with me. I realized he was sending encoded messages directly to my brain, and that I must travel back in time to set things straight” says Nichols in a very dry, unassuming tone. “I knew I had to find a way.”

The way came in the form of a small start up Chinese company based in Kyrgyzstan that specialized in disassembling the human body into sub-nucleic particles, transporting said particles via a highly guarded trade secret referred to as the “time hole”, and reassembling the transported particles back into the full physical representation of the subject including cognitive and memory functions carried over from the time of departure.

This revolutionary service comes at an extraordinary price: $1.2m per transport event.

Nichols, a sanitation engineer by trade, had no means at his disposal to raise such a large sum of money. Instead, he turned to his neighbors for help.

“We’ve had over a dozen yard sales, about eighteen bake sales, and even cooked some meth and sold that” describes Nichols. “We’ve raised over $537.00 to date and have more events in the hopper.”

If you’re interested in supporting the Nichols endeavor, visit the nearest Viking Bank and advise the teller that you’d like to make a donation to the Never Say Never Fund. Any amount helps.