“I have been humbled by all of the encouragement you’ve given me,” said my dick. “I stand before you today to tell you that it will be my honor and my privilege to lead this party and this country back to greatness.” My dick then reeled off a list of accomplishments and asked Americans to help it fight Barak Obama’s socialist policies.

My dick has visited the early voting states, shaking hands with blue collar workers at truck stops, kissing babies, and looking voters squarely in the eye. My dick will be doing the talk show circuit in the coming weeks, laying out its plan to create jobs, reign in spending, and fight terrorism. My dick really hates terrorism.

Inside the beltway, my dick has the reputation of being a straight shooter and stand-up guy. Of course, my dick has also made some enemies over the years. Some who have worked closely with my dick complain that it has something of a hair trigger, and frequently flies off half-cocked with little or no provocations, particularly in the morning.

In general, however, my dick is regarded as a dick dedicated to getting the job done. My dick is not above greasing palms or even crossing party lines if that’s what is needed.

My dick has devoted most of its adult life to public service, servicing the public at every opportunity, even if only for 30-45 seconds at a time. My dick is a native Texan, and is known by voters for strong family values and an excellent posture.

My dick said it has not decided on a running mate yet, but would definitely consider Sarah Palin. “I’m considering her at this very moment as a matter of fact,” my dick said breathily. “I’m also considering Michelle Bachman. I’ve always wanted to campaign with two chicks at the same time,” my dick said.

Crunch, the top US commander in Volcanica and a senior official in Americas war against The Crunchium Thieves, told reporter Kevin Johnson that his recent meeting with President Obama was a “30 second commercial. I mean, here is the guy who is going to run this fucking war and he looked scared and intimated. The leader of the free world needs to grow a pair of crunch berries, if you catch my drift.”

President Obama was “angry” after reading Crunch’s remarks, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said. “He’s also more than a little bit hungry.”

In simulcasts on its television, radio, and online broadcasts, Fox News said, “according to a top official with the universe, every bad thing that is happening now or ever has happened or ever will happen is directly attributable to the socialistic, Muslim, un-American, freedom hating, Mexican loving imposter, Barack Obama.” Fox News said the official could not be identified because he did not have authorization to speak on behalf of the universe.

Fox News, however, was happy to speak on behalf of the universe and presumably does believe it has such authorization. “It is Obama’s fault that we are in Iraq and Afghanistan. It is his fault that oil is spilling into the Gulf of Mexico. The sluggish economy is also all his fault. That horrible call in the US soccer match against Slovenia? Obama. Hunger? Obama. Obesity? Obama. Measles? Obama. The policies of this administration led directly to the American Civil War, the French and Indian War, both World Wars, the Korean Conflict, and Vietnam. Yesterday a 66 year old woman in India gave birth to triplets. Who do you think did that?”

Some observers have suggested that Fox News might be somewhat biased towards conservative political ideology in its reporting. Fox News denied such allegations, saying “We are fair and balanced. Look. It’s right there in our tag line.”

Just when one might think we’ve reached the limits of what porn machines can do, a group of researchers from The University of Texas at Austin are pioneering new frontiers of porn machine capability. A group of students, led by Professor Kevin Johnson, Ph.D., are experimenting with using porn machines for a wide range of new applications. “This research is really out on the cutting edge,” Johnson says. “We have successfully used porn machines to actually write alpha-numeric characters, conduct simple mathematical calculations, and even to store and transmit non-pornographic pictures. It’s truly remarkable. We have even coined a term to describe these non-pornographic uses. We call it ‘computing.’”

Of course there are questions about the practicality and the marketability of non-pornographic uses of porn machines, but the potential is certainly interesting. Will anyone actually use their machines for purposes other than viewing pornography, or is “computing” just the newest fad? The porn machine industry certainly wants to know. Market giants such as BangMySister.com, RustyTrombone.com, and DirtySanchez.com are reportedly investing dozens of dollars researching non-pornographic applications for the machines. “Time will tell,” Johnson says. “But it certainly is a brave new world.”

If you do attempt to use your porn machine for computing, please be sure to check out the West Seattle Funblog’s sister site, The Austin Funblog, at www.austinfunblog.com.

“We have reliable intelligence that a number of high ranking Funbloggers are planning major fun operations over the weekend,” Goodman said. “We believe this to be a credible threat and we are taking it seriously.”

Goodman added that some additional security measures were also underway. “We’ve enacted a mandatory evacuation of all leprechauns, banned condiments of all kinds, and we are currently sewing shut the orifices of area livestock.”

www.austinfunblog.com

The new campaign bares the tagline, “BP – Bringing Oil to America’s Shores.”

CEO Tony Hayward launched the new campaign at a lavish and ridiculously expensive media event on Friday. Hayward assured reporters that if this current effort does not stem the flow of negative publicity, the company has a series of contingency campaigns ready to go.

“One of my favorites is a big picture of one of those damned brown pelicans everyone is so worried about pinching off a loaf in midair with a banner reading ‘BP – Saving The Paint Job on Your Car.’ If that fails, we have plans to launch a campaign that shows some of the more startling statistics about the people in the impacted areas with a slogan ‘The Gulf States – Who Really Gives a Shit?’”

Check out the all new Austin Funblog as their celebrate their launch, today, June 7, 2010.

www.austinfunblog.com

Says coach Bob Bradley, “We are far ahead of where we normally are at this point in the Cup. Already this week we have started building unrealistic expectations. If we stay focused I think this squad can fail to meet those expectations as early as next week.” The American side is set to meet England on June 12, but Bradely thinks his team can be out of the running and wallowing in shame as early as June 10.

The Americans’ progress has come as a result of Bradley’s disciplined approach. They plan on a key player sustaining an untimely and devastating injury no later than this weekend, though Bradley is playing his cards close as to who might be. The U.S. organization also has plans to complain about officiating before the opening kick and to subtly imply that it is part of a political agenda no later than the 30^th minute of their first match.

Supporters celebrated the act as a tough crackdown on illegal immigration that will protect the nation from violent criminals. “Look,” said Navajo Nation President Kevin Johnson, “we’ve been trying stem the flow of illegal immigrants onto our land since 1540. 1540! During that time we estimate that about 5 and half million white immigrants have settled here illegally. They poison our neighborhoods with firewater, promote criminal activity, and spread influenza. And have you seen the shirts those people wear? I mean, my people like loud and garish colors, but Jesus Christ…don’t they get ‘What Not to Wear’ in their country?”

Opponents of the law claim that the measure is really nothing more than thinly veiled racism and encourages racial profiling against white American Navajos. Says area white man Rush Himmler, “this policy is nothing but anti-white sentiment and xenophobia. Just because my skin is white, I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and am built like a Nordic God with my tall, slender and muscular body, I have to carry documents proving that I am in this country legally?”

Says Johnson, “Is it wrong for police to ask for identification in a high crime, high density illegal alien area? The fact is that most of the crime in this nation is committed by whites. The safety of our citizens is our number one priority. Besides, white people come to our land seeking a better life, but then refuse to learn our language or respect our culture. They have had five centuries to assimilate, and I have to believe they’re just not trying. If they don’t like it here they should just leave.”

Johnson also claims that the law has been the victim of a massive misinformation campaign by the liberal media. “This law is not about racial profiling,” Johnson insists. “It simply makes it illegal to be illegal.” When asked if that is not just a bit redundant, Johnson paused and replied, “uhm…yeah. Now that you mention it. That’s pretty fucking stupid, isn’t it? Never mind. Scratch that part.”

To be sure, the nation remains divided about the benefits of polling. Nearly one-third of those polled say that polling is headed in the wrong direction. Republicans are twice as likely to enjoy “being polled” rather than “doing the polling”, while Democrats approve of polling anyone at any time provided they get to use someone else’s poll.

The poll also reflected a sharp split along gender lines. 80% of men “strongly approved” of polling, but also demonstrated a consistent tendency to overestimate their own polls. 72% of females responded that “polling is a necessary act” and reported that they “tolerated polling” an average of .38 times per week and on anniversaries.”

The poll of 1,071 adults has a margin of error of +/- 4 percentage points, whatever the fuck that means.

Roth, a Southern Baptist minister and former front man of the legal advocacy group Van Halen, is also widely respected in legal circles for his work on two different circuit Courts of Appeal and for wearing assless chaps on the bench.

Roth spoke briefly with reporters late in the day on Friday. “I’m gonna tell you this one tiyayayime, bebebebebaby…I can set politics aside, (indecipherable squeal), and serve every man. All my flavors are guaranteeieeieeieed, to satisfify”.

When questioneed about his views on abortion and Roe v. Wade, which is sure to be a critical issue in the nomination process, Roth said “I like the way the line runs up the back of the stockings. No no no, don’t take them off. Leave them on.”

Roth was also asked some challenging questions regarding his views on the role of the federal government in education. “I think of all the education that I missed. But then my home work was never quite like this. Uh. Ooh-ooh-ooh. Hey!”

The senior official said Obama has also met with two other known contenders – Tom Selleck and Ronnie James Dio and is carefully studying careers and integrity of the candidates. Roth’s moral stance and family values appear to be beyond reproach from even the most conservative factions.