“I can’t believe they are turning The Walking Dead into a show about zombies,” John Candy, president of The Walking Dead Fanclub told the WSFB.  ”The show has always been about a bunch of annoying people that walk a lot and can’t seem to get along with each other, and then each episode ends on some random, meaningless cliff hanger.  And now they want to factor in zombies?  I don’t even know how that’s going to work.”

Show producers are hoping to sign a drugged out movie star like Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love to play the leader of the  zombies, “Carol the Zombie”.

“There have been lots of nice boys and girls out there this year, HO, HO, HO,” Santa Clause said.  ”But there have been a few naughty ones too.  Ahmadinejad was definitely on the naughty list.  He’s been a bad boy, HO, HO, HO!”

From developing  nuclear arms, threatening Israel and lying about the intentions of the United States, there have been many reasons why Ahmadinejad landed himself and Iran on Santa’s naughty list.

When asked how he felt about being on Santa’s naughty list, Ahmadinejad said “All I wanted was my stocking to be filled with little nuclear weapons and for death to be brought to the infidels, just like any other Iranian boy.  I really don’t get how that lands me on Santa’s naughty list.  Did you know Santa was responsible for 9/11?  It’s true.”

Enter Lon Paul.

Lon Paul is the little known twin brother of Ron Paul.  Further more, Lon Paul is a dirty, crusty hippie that goes far beyond the change the libertarian Ron Paul hopes to bring to America.

“Ron and Lon are twins, that’s true, but they are absolutely nothing alike,” Jimmy Jack, an old friend of the brothers, said.  ”Ron wants to be president and roll back the size of the Federal government.  Lon just wants to smoke weed in his van and miracle his way into Phish concerts, and frankly Ron is a little embarrassed of him.”

Lon Paul has managed to stay out of the spotlight due to his lifestyle of traveling around the country from hippie conclave to hippie conclave. He also does not own a phone and has never experienced the internet.  He apparently has spent the last several months camped out at the Seattle Occupy Wall Street protests on Capitol Hill though, and it was here that he caught wind of his twin brothers presidential campaign.

“I didn’t even know Ron was running for president until yesterday, that totally blew my mind, man,” Lon Paul told the WSFB.  ”I’ve been trying to find a place to lay down my roots for a minute, so if Ron moves into the White House maybe he can let me crash, that would be wild.  Hey, you want some of this grass?  It’ll fuck you up, I call it Potbama.”

Of course we want some Lon, thank you for asking.

“It’s not really a stretch for me,” Depp told the WSFB.  ”I get raped by the paparazzi’s cameras constantly, and this whole money thing is such a pain in the ass.  It only makes sense to incorporate my incredibly difficult existence into the Pirates films.  My life is really truly horrible, in fact I’m late for my flight back to Paris where I live and everyone understand’s how shitty it is to have fame, fortune, money and health.  Wait, you want to rape me don’t you?  You’re one of those guys that rapes millionaire actors with your cameras, aren’t you?  Get back, raper…”

The WSFB wants to remind you that nothing we say is true and we’re a completely satirical site that makes shit up for our own enjoyment, especially that Johnny Depp is an ungrateful piece of shit that wouldn’t know hard work if it slapped him in the face and he also basically hates America.

February 2009 – Luigi Linguini thinks to himself “fuck all this bullshit”

May 2009 – www.westseattlefublog.com launches

June 2009 – There are an estimated 10 Funbloggers in West Seattle, and they like to party

March 2010 – A massive DDOS assault on the Funblog occurs, nobody notices

April 2010 – Funbloggers write some shit and some folks in Austin start doing this shit well, son

October 2010 – Google Inc. tries to acquire  The West Seattle Funblog for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction.  Luigi Linguini says “fuck all that bullshit, we’re non-profit”

January 2011 – Pete Seazle tears shit up and there are an estimated 92 million Funbloggers online (some stats say over 100 million)

February 2011 – West Seattle Funblog surpasses one billion page views, EZB goes back in time in a DeLorean and prevents his parents from becoming total assholes at the Under The Sea Dance

March 2011 – 1.114 billion people use the Funblog according to Internet World Stats, though nobody knows exactly what they use it  for

April 2011 – The West Seattle and Austin Funblogs surpass Microsoft and Google as “the most valuable global brands,” and are also the most visited Web sites in the world.  At the same time nobody continues to read the White Center Funblog and only three people know of it’s existence

August 2011 – Pete Seazle shaves his head and all of a sudden a hurricane hits the East Coast

(click to engorge)

“Every jerk has one of those stupid hats, you know the kind, the ones that make you look like a member of the Buena Vista Social Club or something,” an anonymous source within the Mariners organization told the WSFB.  “Dave started wearing that hat right around the 4th of July and bam!  That’s when the team really started to tank.  It’s clearly his fault.”

Other  sources close to the clubhouse have confirmed that the M’s 53-69 record is the fault of announcer Sims.  Some players believe the hat itself may even have cursed the team for the foreseeable future.

“We were playing great in June,” the unnamed source said.  “Then Dave started wearing that hat and all kinds of bad things happened; Chone began tanking, guys started to make dumb mental errors, even the Moose began to get all depressed and down.  Truth be told when we really stepped back and asked ourselves what the problem was the answer was clear – it was Dave’s  hat.”

When asked if anyone had thought of asking Dave to not wear the hat in hopes of turning the season around, many of our sources proclaimed the same message – nobody asks Dave Sims to take off his hat.

“Sims is like the Godfather around here, people don’t even look him in the eye,” our source said.  “If anyone were to ask him to remove that hat they’d probably end up making sure they never worked in Baseball again, or at least he’d make sure they never got free rally fries.”

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 9, 2011 (WSFB) – It should come as no surprise that West Seattle would be at the center of the newest wave of competitive hair growing competitions – competitive pubic hair growing.

“West Seattle is the center of the pubic hair growing world, so it only makes sense that we would be at the forefront of competitive pubic hair growing as well,” Johan Johanansen told the West Seattle Funblog.  “Growing facial hair is a piece of cake, but pubic hair?  That takes talent.”

But why West Seattle  you might ask?  The primary reason for so many instances of abnormally long pubic hair in West Seattle comes down to two things – rain and coffee.

“People in West Seattle are exposed to lots of rain, that makes the pubic hair grow.  Also, people here drink shit tons of coffee, and a while back someone realized that if you spill some coffee on your junk and then pour rain water on it that you’re pubic hair just grows like wildfire.  It hurts at first but then it gets really long and curly,” Johanansen explains.

The first annual West Seattle Competitive Pubic Hair Growing Competition will take place this Saturday at the Delridge Community Center.  The event is limited to contestants and observers 18 years and older, for extremely clear reasons.