Dear WTF:

Valentines Day was this past week, which is one of the most dreaded days of the year for me. Why does the world insist on celebrating the annoying happiness of couples? I want to open fire on couples in love. What should I do?

Bitter

Dear Bitter,

By open fire on, I’m going to assume you mean light their cigarette. I’d hate for anyone to mistakenly think we here at Useless Fake Advice® in any way condone or advocate criminal violence. What you do in the privacy of your own mind is one thing, but on paper we have to pretend we’re normal.

As to the holiday, I do think the joke is on us. Trying to follow the historical origins of Valentine’s Day leads us to three different Saints by the same name. However, prior to these martyrs was the Valentine of antiquity, also known as the God Lupercus, also-also known as Pan, Baul, or Nimrod. With another common name for Nimrod being sanctuc, or Santa. So near as I can figure we’re celebrating a Christmas Nimrod. Doesn’t get more idiotic than that.

Additionally, if you have to wait for one special day of the year to show your love you love them, more than likely one of you has already started apartment hunting. With exceptions for brand new relationships, where the ridiculous way you’ve been acting every day, for once is acceptable.

So what should you do? Why, pity the fool, of course. These poor bastards are one holiday away from divorce, being held together by nothing but a thin thread of Hallmark cards and cheap confections. While you, my friend, have it all going on. Secure enough in your own self-worth to know it’s perfectly okay to spend Saturday night in your snuggie, downing a fifth of tequila and maintaining relationships that really matter. The ones on Facebook.

JT

Did St. Nick messily deliver on your Mounds bar request? Or did he merely hit the Hershey’s with Snickers? Send pics to WTFWJTD@gmail.com.