Dear JT,

I don’t get it. I am supposed to do a bunch of healthy shit so I don’t have to pay so much for my health insurance, including only one glass of wine per day. Why should I do this when 30-year-olds have heart attacks? How do I really know that I am doing the right thing for my body? What should I tell my health coach?

Desperately confused,

Scaryb4coffee

Dear Scary,

Might I first say, I absolutely love your moniker. I may in fact steal it at some point without attribution or monetary compensation. That’s okay, right?

I have put an awful lot of thought into the topic of your question. Exactly how much wine is appropriate every day? It happens to be a very complicated formula. 24 hours in a day minus sleep, work, commuting….blah. blah, etc. An errand or two, a quickie if we’re lucky, leaves us about six hours for adult beverages, but we’ll go with five in case traffic is bad or your boss is an ass.

A party planner will recommend two glasses for the first hour and one per hour thereafter. Times this by two people. Divide each bottle by five and carry over the three equals 7.5 glasses each. Depending on your body weight (in my case I can double this amount), your tolerance (in my case I can triple this amount), and whether or not you wish to exceed what you metabolize (in my case I do), most people will require at least ten, if not fifteen glasses of wine per setting.

Further complicating matters is the knowledge that we’re all going to die in 2012 anyway, so why the fuck should we give a shit about work, insurance, or a healthy lifestyle to begin with. Order the bacon cheeseburger, quit your lousy job, max out your credit and go buy wine by the barrel.

That’s what I’d do anyway.

JT

Joo gosh a queshhton fer Jesh (hic) Jeshie? Jusht email her at…. where the fuck, my fucking wine glassshh, oh fuck it….. zzzzzzzzzzzzz