Dear JT,

I have a friend who has lost a TON of weight on some new diet. The diet involves eating 300 calories a day and injecting herself with saliva from elderly feral cats. I know it sounds kinda barbaric, and maybe even a little gross, but ….. she’s lost like 40lbs in a month and … truthfully? I’ve got a high school reunion coming up and I’m thinking about trying it.

What do you think?

McFatty

Dear McFatty,

WTF? Were they out of urine from pregnant women at the spa or something? Too good for the tapeworm, grapefruit, or Jesus diet? What about the vomitorium vulgaris plan. All the rage in Caesar’s time. He had special rooms where you could go hurl between courses so you didn’t have to stop eating. I don’t understand all this diet bullshit. Could explain why I weigh well over two hundred pounds, but I’m thinking it’s more to crush you dead when you piss me off.

How ’bout instead of molesting defenseless animals, you get a real life that doesn’t involve me. Because frankly, I’m sick and tired of these super hot women rubbing up against me while I’m minding my own business, trying to have a beer on a Saturday night, at SkyLark or Feedback or Mission. Wearing my Funblogging is not a Crime T-shirt. Possibly outside hanging with the smokers. Occasionally by the bar, but mostly back in the corner where no one can even see if you’re trying to sit on my lap, and come to my rescue. No one. Can see.

JT

JT wants a gotDAMN sandwich. Maybe even a coupon for one. Send it to WTFWJTD@gmail.com