Dear JT,

Thank you so much for giving me a realistic perspective into how other people think. By no means does it really matter, but it makes me feel almost….regular. Like other people have my problems. Not that I eat enough to be regular anyway, but you know how it is. Or maybe you don’t. Whatevs!

So I have another question for you! Last night I went out to a country bar. I wore an AMAZING tube top over my new boobs. My bestie convinced me to ride the mechanical bull after I’d had several wine coolers. I fell off a few seconds into the ride and wound up flashing my boobs. I mean, I’m glad the guys thought they were awesome (because they are!) but I think I popped a stitch or something. How do I explain to my plastic surgeon how this happened?

Smooches,

W Sea Celebrity

Dear WSC,

How special it is to hear from you again. And so soon. I’m touched. And by touched, I mean with the fever, and the nausea, and the splitting headache. Knowing I find you to be a shallow excuse for a human being, you continue to reach out to me. I’m starting to wonder if you might have a little JT crush. What with the need to tell me about your nice ass, working out, healthy eating regime, and now a story about your awesome boobs.

So, here’s the deal. Boobie doctors do not give a shit. Complications equal more income. Second, who the fuck are you kidding? This story has about as much of a chance of being true as I have of staying sober tonight. I mean go ahead, write to me every week if you like. You’re starting to become mildly entertaining. But don’t assume for a moment I think you’re anything other than some old, pasty, fat dude, sitting behind a computer screen.

Mind you, I’m totally open to being proved wrong. You are more than welcome to send me art quality, tastefully done, black and white photos of these alleged assets. Just kidding. Polaroids are fine.

JT

Proud of the mounds? Hip on the nips? Snap a pic and send them to JT at WTFWJTD@gmail.com.