Dearest JT,

The other night I had my first nocturnal emission since I was a kid. Let me clarify: one that I didn’t cause by myself. Is this unusual for someone who is well past 30?

Brgds,

Solo Wet Spot

Dearest Hands Solo,

I do not want to hear about your emissions. Not those during the day, not at night, not alone, not with someone. Not even the ones you fake to cover up for really being a bed wetter. What you do with that thing is of absolutely no interest to me. I may be a short, fat, German, but I am no fucking Dr. Ruth. I’m not even a real advice columnist. I am a real lesbian however, and would prefer you point that in another direction.

Besides, where the fuck is the request for advice in this post? I’m supposed to know why your body does shit in it’s sleep? And then what? Advise you how to do it more or less often? Fuck that. If I can affect people’s dream state, you can be sure I’m not headed into yours. I don’t care how big your man-boobs are.

Rather than wonder if you’re normal, let’s just assume you’re not. As a freak of nature who never grew out of puberty, take comfort in the knowledge you successfully got me to think about your dick for the last two and half minutes. I’d say you owe me at least a drink.

JT

What part of “she’s a lesbian” don’t you get? And you with the dick jokes…. Keep up the good work! Send your cock-related questions to WTFWJTD@gmail.com.