Dear WTF,

My friend is demonstrating violent tendencies and is in need of immediate sedation. How should I go about protecting her from herself and others w/out needles or padded cells?

Sincerely,

Scared

Jesus, Scared. I get told that at least once a day and you know what I say: “♪ come a little closer, now don’t be shy ♪”. With the abundance of stupid walking the streets, how can you not want to slap some people silly? You may have to deal with a few pussies threatening to press charges, but two can play that game and I think intentional ignorance qualifies as willful incitement.

On the other hand, if your friend is plotting world domination and has a bedroom full of automatic weapons, I would bake her some cookies and speak in a calm, soothing voice, “I’ll be right back, just going out for some more milk.”

My guess is that neither of these scenarios apply or you wouldn’t be asking my advice. The expectation of me reading your mail, giving a shit, and responding all in the same month is quite simply, unrealistic.

So, what are you really after? Are you thinking I’m going to hook you up with something you ingest orally? I’ll have you know, Pete Seazle is my friend and I don’t pimp him out to just anyone. Photos and a clean health report are required with your application. In the mean time, I’m a big fan of www.sugarweasel.com. He should be able to help you out with whatever you need.

JT

Your list of things to send JT at [email protected]: sample photos of you in something sexy, that clean health report, and one head shot of you with white clown makeup all around your mouth.