Dear JT,

My name is Cindy and I’m 9 years old.  I asked Santa for a pony and didn’t get one. I asked my mom why Santa hates me and she said maybe he just couldn’t fit a pony in his sleigh. Then she said that it was probably because I’m getting what I deserve because I’m a friend of the devil.  I’m 9.  I don’t understand.

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

First, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but the Funblog is no place for a 9 year old. Too many stupid adults, doing stupid things. There’s no one here you want to listen to or follow. Except, perhaps me, but I swear too much and your mom sounds like a total nightmare who would be all over your ass if you picked up that habit.

Let me just say, she is 100 % full of shit. You are not a friend of the devil. The devil is nothing but a made up character. You probably didn’t get a pony for some very simple reason. Like they poop too much.

Believing in devils is for people who want an excuse for their bad behavior or a reason to not give a shit about something. Ordinarily that would make a perfect mascot for the Funblog, because if there’s anything we need, its excuses for what we did all weekend. But people like that horrible Mr. Pat Robertson had to go and ruin a perfectly good thing. Fucking bastard.

Now I’m probably going to have to get rid of my Hot Stuff little devil bobble head, and my devil woman coin holder, and my horny little devil stuffed animal, and my bad dog devil chew, and my red devil race car, and my dirt devil vacuum, and my Devil wears Prada DVD, and… all my beloved devil duckies. Tattoo devil duck, ninja devil duck, pirate devil duck. Fuck. Now I’m totally bummed out.

Just go tell your mom to go to hell.

JT

Do you live in Enumclaw and have a horse to donate? Pony up and email JT at WTFWJTD@gmail.com!