Dear WTF,

I know as a dog owner that dog’s anal glands need to be expressed, but I refuse to do it. It’s gross. Should I try and get a boyfriend for the sole reason of exchanging sexual favors for doing that nasty chore for me?

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

How long have you been a straight female? Although it’s generous of you to offer up yourself in exchange for an unpleasant task, you’re setting your sights entirely too low. Men are already into all things ass. Farting, shitting, mooning, spooning, poking, and kicking. If it’s about an ass, near an ass, from an ass, or just acting like an ass, they’re in. Invite two of them over and they’ll fight over who gets to squirt that nasty shit.

Save the barter system for things that truly matter. Vacations, new appliances, a car. And for god sakes, never marry or move in with them. Besides the endless farting, shitting, and poking, there’s the belching, spitting and snoring. And who doesn’t love skid-marked tighty whities hanging from every doorknob? We need to go back to the days of mystery and intrigue about the opposite sex. No need to see firsthand how closely men are related to chimps, and of course once they find out what a raging bitch you are day and night, you can kiss those gifts goodbye.

I say your shallowness is to be applauded, but it’s a two way street. Use and be used.

JT

JT is a graduate of The University of Sarcasm’s Psychology Program. She also minored in the Veterinarian Arts, Proctology, and Thesbianism. For a copy of her diploma, please email WTFWJTD@gmail.com