Mom?

Dear JT,

I have had a strong desire to key someone’s car lately. Mostly because I’m only getting older and it’s an experience I’ve yet to have. But since I’m not mad at anyone, I don’t know how to go about it. What are your takes on this?

Thanks,

Scratcher

Dear Scratcher,

What an excellent question. Mostly because I have never had this experience either. I did scratch the hell out of my own car once. Well not so much scratch it as put a chain link fence pattern along the side. I went ahead and used my lights to drive in the dark after that. And then there was the time I drove a friend’s car too close to some branches. Oopsy daisy. I didn’t like her very much though, so it was okay. I thought I had spray painted prick on someone’s car door once, but then I remembered that was actually a scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Do you ever dream about shit and then become convinced it’s real? I hid for a whole year after I thought I’d killed someone. Reminds me. Has anyone seen my family? Let’s move on.

I’d love to help you with your problem. That’s not true. I would help you with your problem, except there’s that whole vandalism is a crime bullshit. That doesn’t really bother me as much as if I helped you, you’d probably do it wrong, get caught, and end up in a jail cell. Since you’re obviously inexperienced, before long you’d be crying like a baby and calling me to fix everything. Like I need one more person to bail out.

Why don’t you just stay home and do something gentle and safe? Knitting, perhaps?

JT

Have an ethical or moral itch that needs scratching? Call your shrink. Everything else, send to WTFWJTD@gmail.com.