Dear JT,

I have a very close friend that is having a birthday on Wednesday. I want to throw her a big ass party, but don’t think she’s the type that would go for it. Should I get her a box of cigars instead? Any other ideas?

Best,

Gifts Are Glorious?

Dearest G.A.G. (me),

I’m going to assume this question refers to the ominous day of my birth, when the earth stood still, clouds filled the sky, and baby jesus cried. It’s true, I am opposed to all celebratory events involving myself and other people. Why would I want to ruin a perfectly acceptable Wednesday? I’m curious as to whether this party was going to focus on my big ass, or the fact that I am a big ass. Either would be appropriate, but I imagine the gifts would be more interesting for the latter. Although, if Mike J. Clark were attending…

And gifts. Gifts make me uncomfortable. Invariably some form of positive reaction is desired and that’s an emotion I simply was not born with. I can fake many things, but being grateful for Halloween themed cheese spreaders is not one of them. And why does the best shit come from the person you despise the most? “These tickets to Tahiti are great mom, but I’m still not speaking to you!”

For the seven of you who now read this column (that’s right bitches, up from three!) and don’t wish to be singled out for abuse, let’s still buy me shit and call it bribes. Cigars, as you mention, are an excellent idea. Hella expensive ones though. No plastic tipped swisher sweets even though you think cherry flavor would be fucking hilarious. And booze. Booze is always good. I like vodka. And for those with limited or no funds, the obvious trifecta, boobs. Pictures would be my preference, but I’ll accept an interesting story as long as it’s accompanied by illustrations.

Thank you I guess,

JT

For cigars and booze, please email JT at [email protected] for shipping instructions. For the boob trifecta, please cc: [email protected].