Dear JT,

I’m a freshman at a local high school and I’m a little confused. All of the other kids are getting hazed. You know, swirlies and noogies and horrible signs taped on their backs. Some of them are left alone and accepted after they get targeted, but others continue to be abused repeatedly.

I’m not a small boy by any means and maybe that’s why I haven’t been messed with yet. But I feel a sense of isolationism happening. I’m not a part of the hazed and I’m not a part of the hazers. I’m all alone in this big new school and I just can’t find my niche. I don’t think they like me.

So my question: Should I join the hazers and haze the hazed or utilize my size and haze the hazers? I just want to fit in somewhere.

TR’s Boy

Dear TR’s Boy,

This is a really difficult question. Mostly because I’ve been fundrinking and I’m having a hard time reading hazers and haze the hazed and haze the hazers, all in one sentence. Can there be a third choice? You seem like a special boy who could perhaps benefit from home schooling. Maybe hang out with your mom. Get some nice sweater vests. Big boys always look so nice in those. Mom could help you pick them out of the JCPenney’s catalog and later you could get ice cream and sit for a family portrait. Don’t worry about socializing, age appropriate activities, or experiencing life in the big city. None of that is going to prepare you for a lifetime of living in her basement. Stay where you already fit in and are guaranteed to be loved and accepted for who you are. Mom will be happy having you to herself, and you were never going to make it out there anyway.

JT