Dear JT,

I’ve spent a lot of time reading your articles and find them very informative. I especially like the piece you did on pleasing your man with only a toothpick and grape jelly.

My question today is about what I should do about these giant rats that invaded my apartment. I’ve tried everything. I’ve taken them to dinner, dancing, out to movies and am planning our first trip together this spring. After all of this they still won’t leave! In fact they seem to keep on inviting over more rats to meet me. What should I do?

Mickey

Mickey,

You poor dear. I don’t know what to say to help you, but I sure wish Western State would stop allowing writing privileges for patients. You may in fact be wining and dining rats, but there’s no way in hell I discussed pleasing your man. One, I absolutely hate grape jelly. Disgusting. I don’t know how anyone can put that in their mouth unless large quantities of drugs or alcohol are involved. It doesn’t even look appealing. Kind of all globby and translucent.

I tried it in High School. Everyone else seemed to like or at least tolerate the flavor, but I knew right away I was different. I finished it. No need to be rude, but I swear I almost hurled. Blech! They don’t make enough mouthwash to get that taste out.

And then, if you actually did read my column you’d know I’m all about the babes. No dudes for me. Although, pleasing a man is no big mystery. Beer, sex, sandwich, beer. What is that, 10-15 minutes of your life? I really don’t understand why so many straight couples have difficulties.

JT

That must be jam, cuz jelly don’t shake like that! Email JT at WTFWJTD@gmail.com.