Dear J.T.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Unfortunately, I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last 12 years, so I don’t really know if I have any marketable skills… unless you count sandwich making and fucking my husband.

I was wondering if you have any job advice for someone who is 39, has no college degree, has never mastered fractions, hates getting up early, and loathes being told what to do. Is there a job for me anywhere?

Thanks for your help!

Ex-mom

Dear E.M.,

Now and then, there is simply no easy way to right a wrong. You’ve obviously gotten married and chosen to breed. No putting that genie back in the bottle. Plus, I see you’ve developed a drinking/drug problem. No one married for that long is still fucking their husband and making sandwiches on a regular basis without some form of mother’s little helper. Which leads to the unfortunate reality that most employers perform random drug tests these days, more or less eliminating any legitimate position.

There is the obvious. Performing the same tasks you do now for someone else. Although, I see two problems. One, how incredibly boring. Where’s the challenge to keep you stimulated. Two, how incredibly boring. You’d be spending all your cash on drug refills and booze just to get through the day.

You could change it up a bit I suppose. What are your thoughts about women? I happen to know someone who would like nothing more than to have their very own personal house-girl. Drugs and booze included, of course. Think it over and if you any questions send them to JT@westseattlefunblog.com.

JT

If you get the job, please email photos of you, in your new uniform, performing your duties to Pete@westseattlefunblog.com.