Dear JT,

I’m a stay at home mom, who although quite busy facebooking while drunk, has plenty of time to ponder life’s mysteries. Lately, I’ve been wondering if my son is a budding serial killer. Mr. Jingles went missing a few months ago, and I just found a backyard shrine including his collar, and an empty tuna can. He’s also taken to experimenting with his sister’s Barbie dolls. At first it was simply blowing them up and stuff, but now he’s hanging them from the rafters in the basement. I try to talk with him, but he’ll only quote dialog from Silence of the Lambs. My name is Clarice, but I think it’s disrespectful to address me by anything other than yes ma’am. Do you think this is normal adolescent behavior or something to worry about?

CC

Dear Clarice,

I think you should stop drinking Absinthe with Xanax. That shit will fuck you up. Once, I was found sitting in the middle of the street, totally naked, singing Journey. “So now I come to you, with open arms / Nothing to hide, believe what I say “. Holy shit that was embarrassing. I cannot carry a tune if my life depended on it.

I wonder how hard I’d try though, if my life did actually depend on it.

Do you think anyone who has used that phrase ever had their life depend on something? Because it seems it’s always over something stupid. “I can’t open this jar of pickles if my life depended on it”. Makes me think of those annoying Klondike Bar commercials. What would you do? I’d walk into a fucking store and buy one. Jesus Christ! They aren’t that good. But you know what commercial really bugs the shit out of me? Mentos. If I could kill that guy, I so would. I wonder what he’d do if his life depended on it?

Now I’m extremely irritated, and I feel it’s all your doing. Remember that, when your son is featured on America’s Most Wanted. It’s always the mother’s fault. You can’t be on these binges all day and not expect some kind of repercussions. The little bastard probably is practicing up. Oh well. Not my problem.

JT

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