JT -

My friend’s mom is very attractive and we recently began dating. I found out after the fact that she is very high maintenance in that she has expensive taste. I’m a junior accountant for a law firm in Seattle, and I can’t afford to keep paying for everything when we go out but she has come to expect this.

Also, her sister – my friend’s aunt – is pretty hot and seems to be a bit more down to earth which is more along the lines of what I’m looking for in a cougar. Perhaps I should dump my friend’s mom and go out with his aunt instead?

I’m so fucking confused right now.

CH

Dear Dear Dear Confused,

Someone has done you a serious disservice if you’ve been led to believe either of these opportunities is a good idea . I can only assume you are very young with no experience in the ways of a cougar. I understand they are considered quite exotic and alluring, but… we do not date them. And if you thought for a moment that you were in control of this adventure, you are sadly mistaken. Cougars, by their very nature, are a stalk and ambush predator. Able to kill and devour prey many times their size. A duel operation such as this, is actually quite rare, but don’t be fooled into thinking there is a difference between these two sisters. One may portray herself as self-centered and demanding, while the other kind and generous, but the objective is one and the same. To lure you into their den, where you will be trapped into providing for their young.

Don’t be completely discouraged, however. There is a well known and domesticated alternative. The common house MILF. Although much tamer and predictable, they are nonetheless, not without their own charms. Often grateful for the extra attention, they will lovingly bring treats to your doorstep. And more often than not, when they’re done with you, they just want to be left alone to take a nap. You are free to come and go as you please, as these creatures are quite self sufficient. If a little excitement is still something you crave, sprinkle a little of that weed that drives them into a frenzy. You’ll soon have them writhing on their back, screaming for more.

JT