Dear J.T.,

I need your opinion, please. I accepted a friend request on Facebook the other day from some stupid cartoony looking cat, named xxxxxxx. The only reason I accepted is because I saw we had some mutual friends. I’m not usually one to be paranoid, but the other day I was coming out of the grocery store, and I could SWEAR I saw … I know this sounds nuts, but I swear I saw a deranged looking cat sitting in the driver’s seat of a beat up old car… and it was…. looking at me with that look that says somebody either wants to fuck you or kill you.. you know, THAT look?

Anyway, yesterday I got an email from this cat. He says I’ve won some kinda lottery in Nigeria, and all he needs is my bank account routing number (?) to wire the cash to me. I could use some money, but …. I’m just not sure I trust this… cat. What should I do?

Thanks in advance for your help. I’m a big fan!!!

Dear BF,

You know what I really hate? When someone writes a long ass, rambling question. Then I feel like I have to write a long ass, rambling answer. Did it occur to you that I may have something better to do? I don’t, but that’s totally not the point. It could happen.

And while I appreciate and approve of you being a big fan, I am not such a fan of the stupid. Since the Nigerian wire fraud scam has been in existence from the early 80’s, you are either a) stupid to fall for this or b) really stupid to fall for this.

Now the fucking cat. That’s a totally different story. I blacked out his name to protect the c) borderline legally retarded. He is nothing but a blood sucking parasite, and not in a totally hot way like vampires and shit, but in a totally creepy, I’m a registered sex offender kind of way. Just back away from the fur. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, not all kitties are created equally. Some of them will claw your eyes out, even when they look safe to pet. And in this case, it’s never a good idea to trust a grown man acting like such a pussy.

JT

Are you not allowed with 500 feet of a particular person or perhaps a school or local playground? Send the details to JT at WTFWJTD@gmail.com.