Dear wtfwjtd:
What is up with Facebook? I only have 240 friends. Other people have like a gazillion. Am I doing something wrong? I was thinking I should start posting nude photos of myself and see if that ups my numbers. Or should I post nude photos of other people like, say, ex-boyfriends, or their ex-girlfriends? I have access to lots of stuff. Would that be so wrong? I just need more friends. The 240 that I have are getting old. And what celebrity is my doppleganger? What the fuck is a doppleganger?
Bored
Dear Bored,
Like every other super cool thing, dopplegangers are something pop culture swallowed up and totally ruined. Of German origin, the word translates literally to double goer. Meaning your double, or lookalike. Traditionally, it signified death if you saw your own doppleganger, or illness if a friend or family member saw it. Now it’s just the latest obnoxious facebook trend. Change your profile picture to your celebrity lookalike. You go right ahead. Spit in the face of death, but don’t come crying to me at your funeral.
And the friend whore thing. Why? Do you even know the 240 you have? If every one of them showed up at your front door right now, would you be comfortable having them stay in your home for a few days? Alone? While you’re at work? Going through your shit?
I’m guessing you weren’t very popular in middle school. Instead of admitting you sell flowers in restaurants, you want people to think you’re important now. “Look, I have 738 super best friends and gosh darn it, people like me.” Wrong. People are looking at you the exact same way they look at men in BIG trucks. Just how small is it?
For myself, whenever I lose a friend I take comfort in knowing it’s just another little person who can’t handle how big I am and I thank them. Me, Jesse Taylor with the blue cartoon profile picture that says hooray for boobies, and my 58 friends, know exactly how important I am. And that’s what really matters. I, Jesse Taylor, don’t need the artificial comfort of having online connections with strangers. That’s right, Jesse Taylor is perfectly content with the genuine friends who are always there for me. Jesse Taylor is going to be just fine.
JT
Want to be JT’s friend? It’s not mutual. But you might try convincing her via email. WTFWJTD@gmail.com.
Ha! I thought for a minute you said if all 240 friends showed up to take a shit in my house would I like it….. And no, I wouldn’t. You are total awesomeness…….